[Nicole28]

I think that deep inside of us all adoptees know and feel their birthmother's love for them. However, just a side note --> a lot of birthmothers say they are 'out there and waiting' for their children to contact them. Most of us adoptees have no way of doing so, because our records are (unfairly) sealed for 99 years without the possibility of release. I am sure that other adoptees can relate when I urge birthmom's who want to reunite to start doing their own search - you are way more likely to find us than we are to find YOU. At this point I have basically begun to try and come to terms with the fact that I will not find my birthmom myself, and I am praying that she is looking for me, too, and that she will have better success than I have had thus far.

BUT -- back to the original post. It is always comforting to read messages from birthmom's to their relinquished children. It reminds me that my birthmom probably feels the same way towards me, and that is a huge comfort.

[Pat laPier]

Hi Nicole,

I never really gave that much thought because I was told back then that if the birht mother left a note or letter in the file that contact would be welcome, that the agency had to release it upon request. There are several letters waiting for my son and I know for a fact he has been in that office seeking information before going to college. Now it makes me wonder if he was even told there were letters for him. Its so hard to trust these agencys at this time for me. I know there was a photo left there for me and the agency lost it before it got mailed to me. I recently sent a letter to his adoptive mom, thanking her for loving like I would, caring for him and asked if she would consider parting with another photo just so I could have it to love and hold. I am afraid of how much to search in fear he doesn't want to be found by me......I don't want to interfere in his life, or interrupt it. I want him to read my letters and make the choice. Right now, just having a picture to hold onto, or just knowing that he wasn't a part of 9-11 would make me feel better.
What hospital were you born in? I lived near Syracuse most of my life. Do you know what agency was used? Just curious. The agency that handled mine, had a person that was allowed to look into sealed records.

Pat

[daniel79andersen]

could you please tell me some more information about your son. i was born with the Andersen last name and have very little information about my adoption. I am currently seeking my birth parents and wish to talk to anyone who has any information. Thanks for your time.

[lilraskels]

Wow! Women of inspiration. I am an amom. I have a child that I have begged her bmom to write her. But my other children that are adopted the first think I asked of their mom/dad was to write the children and tell them how much they love them. You can never have enough love. My oldest craves that love from her mother. I love her I tell her I show her but it is not the same as if her mother would. She gets jealous of my others for getting that love from their parents. So yes this is very important.
The longing you all feel I am certain that the child feels the same. That is not something that any one can do. Even though my daughter says she would not live with her mother she still longs for that love. I hope this is somewhat encouraging that the same thing you feel is what my daughter expresses too.
I sure hope the reunion is sucessful for all and that each one can find the begening of their journey.

[anitac3]

When I gave my son up for adoption many years ago, I never thought that we would find each other. I wrote a letter and had the adoption agency put it in his file, that way if he did come looking for me, he would find that letter. I said all the things that you are wishing you could say in that letter. He did search and did contact the agency and read that letter. All those years growing up he thought I never wanted him, until he read the letter. write one today

[keds]

lilraskels, I am fortunate enough to have my bson in my life - sort of. We are blindly finding our way through the first years of reunion and, your recent post, hit a cord. I feel that longing. It's not that I want to be "his mother", he has a mom. It's just such a "pull" towards him - sorry hard to describe. When we met for the second time, he gave me a hug and I had to pull back as it felt "too right" and I was afraid to "give in". I wanted him to be comfortable and yet, that was the most peaceful feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. To belong and to be forgiven. Hopefully, he felt the same way but we have our own lives so we have to learn how to integrate. I do wish everyone success in their reunions. It is so hard.

[anitac3]

I just read your letter and I was glad to see how your feel. I am a birthmom, and cried all the time cause I missed my son so much. I was 20 yrs old when I gave him up for adoption, cause I knew I could not give him what he needed (except Love). I went to therapy for yrs and finally when I was turning 40 a new therapist says to me contact the adoption agency that you went through and get their address and write him a letter. I did just that. That was in 1988. In 1992 my son contacted me. He said he had been looking for a while and finally found out where he was adopted from and called them and asked about me. They told him to come in and talk. They gave him my letter. He called me a few days later. Am I glad I wrote that letter. All those years he said he never thought I wanted him. It was the letter that I wrote that explained my heartfelt love for him. Maybe this will help other birthmoms and adoptees. My thoughts are with you all. Anita

[daniel79andersen]

See, the thing is, I love my birth mother for the fact that she had the "adult" compassion and knowlege to know that she could not give me the life she felt "I deserved." She was 16 at the time of my birth. Just that fact alone makes me feel I WAS LOVED, and the respect for my birth family has come from that. Someday I'll be able to tell her this, but until then, I'm hope she knows in her heart that someday we'll be able to meet, catch up and discover.

[keds]

Daniel,

A beautiful post. Thanks. I wish you well.

[kat2560]

As I was reading all the stories on here, I was thinking of what I could tell my son. I relinquished my rights to my son when he was 10 yrs old. I remember the day I was at the court house and he begged me to come home, he told me to tell the judge he promised not to give me anymore problems. My heart broke at that time. I am a grateful recovering drug addict. I have almost 10 yrs clean. When I made the decision to relinquish my rights, no one told me that I would hurt so bad. No one said there would be a hole in my heart for so long. My son turned 18 last June, I started looking for my son on his birthday. I was told by the state that they contacted his adoptive parents with my personal information, it was up to them when I could have contact with him. It's been almost a year since I have heard anything else. I am looking everywhere that I can, I hired a private investigater to help find him, but no luck! The state really hid him from me. The state of Kansas is supposed to be an open record state, but they sealed my son's records and won't help me find him. When I do and I talk to him, I want to tell him that I Love him, I always have loved him. I have a daughter that was taken away from me at the same time, she is only 15yrs old they were both adopted by the same couple. My family say's that is probably why they won't let me have contact with my son. I wish I could tell my son that I loved him when he was born, and I will love him until I die. I feel that way about both of my children. Well that is all for now, I am getting to emotional, kat2560

[kat2560]

You said you encourage bmoms to write a letter, When I relinquished my rights to my children, I wrote letters to both of them, explaining to them that it wasn't their fault, and that I loved them very much, I also made special arrangements to meet at their counselors office, so if they got to upset someone was there to help them get through it all. The counselor couldn't beleive that I wanted to do that. I gave them their letters and the state of Kansas took them and lost their letters, I heard that my kids were growing up exactly like I didn't want them to, feeling like it was their fault, and blaming themselves. Am I angry? yes I am angry. Not at the adoptive parents, but at the state of Kansas for what they have done.

[Jackiejdajda]

I know the twelve steps say that the addict is the only one that can clean themselves up.. and I believe that the same applies to the one affected by the disease.. Your son is the one that will or will not deal with the consequences of living with an addict.. Accept or not.. be angry or not.

Putting the message out there is all you can do isn’t it..

I wrote letters to both of them, explaining to them that it wasn't their fault, and that I loved them very much, I also made special arrangements to meet at their counselors office, so if they got to upset someone was there to help them get through it all.

You took responsibly for your actions.. willing to stand in the truth of it..

Welcome to the forums.. I am glad you are here.. your words add to this life situation of giving children up for adoption..

Jackie

[reynoldki]

I was in the Navy. The dad wanted nothing to do with the thought of a baby. I knew that I couldn't do it on my own....but someone else would be able to. I was three weeks overdue when my dad called on a Sunday night to say that they were coming out to visit the next weekend. I hit the panic mode. I called my sister, who told me to tell him "now isn't a really good time to come out". I did that and his response was "are you pregnant?" When I told them I was three weeks late, his response was "okay, we can still take care of that". At that point I told him I was due three weeks ago. Needless to say, my parents came out, the visit was ok until the night before they were leaving, and my mom said "you know if you were keeping this baby I would stay and help you for a week or two"......that has weighed so heavily on my mind.....a week or two compared to a lifetime. I know that what I did was what was best at the time. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. To this day, I can remember laying in the hospital and looking over and seeing his beautiful eyes. Now all I can do is hope that I can see those beautiful eyes again.......even if it is just once. He has a brother and sister, who call him their step-brother. My son is always saying if his brother was around he would have someone to play baseball with. Not a day goes by that we don't think of him. This is a very hard thing to do.....takes a tough person with a heart of gold.

[kat2560]

Thank you I needed to hear that. I have felt that I am doing everything wrong. I feel everytime that I search and I am getting close the doors get slammed shut. I hired a private investigator to look for my son, I had his ss# we ran it and was told that it wasn't his number. I argued with this lady about it, that has been his # since he was born. Can the state change their ss#?

[Jackiejdajda]

I do not know about the changing of numbers but I do know that some people changed the birthdate of relinquished children...
Someone decides something that they think needs to be done and messes with folks lives.. knowing nothing about the real issues..

Hang in there..

Jackie