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  #1  
Old 12-02-2012, 02:36 PM
ae2007 ae2007 is offline
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Question regarding biological father's rights

My fiancé found out a few years back that he had a son with a woman from a one night stand. They were friends and she was in town visiting and she conceived her son. She was married and lived hours away. It wasn't until he was nearly two years old before she told him she believed he was the father, as they are identical. The problem was that her husband had signed the birth certificate and took the responsibilities of being his father. So out of respect for them, he never pursued a relationship with the child.

Three years later at the age of 5, I found out that she had divorced her husband and so we started communicating about the child and she was all for us developing a relationship with him. She had told me though that her ex husband had custody of him until she got on her feet (she struggled with alcohol and drug addiction). Then about 6 months later, which was about a month and a half ago, she came forward and told me that the state had taken him and she was given a certain amount of time to get on her feet and had failed to do so, so she was losing custody of him permanently. Her ex husband had also signed over his rights as he was not the biological father, which he had known as long as we had known, if not longer.

My question is, do we have a chance of gaining custody since my fiancé is the biological father? The only reason he never attempted a relationship with the child was because he was respecting the other man who had signed the birth certificate, and also she didn't really give the opportunity for him to have a relationship since she was married to the other man. She told me a few days ago that the adoption is supposed to be finalized two weeks before Christmas. She says his foster parents will allow us to go visit, but we were wanting more. He is currently in work release so he does not have the opportunity to go to the court hearing, and he will more than likely have to establish paternity for anything to be done. Does he have rights as the biological father even though he was not the one on the birth certificate? Shouldn't he have to consent before the adoption can be finalized so that he can state that he would like custody? We were never notified that he was even in state custody until recently, and I have no idea how long he has been there since she never told us. We are at a loss on what to do to get our boy! Please help and let me know if we have a chance. Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 12-02-2012, 03:02 PM
loveajax loveajax is offline
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I do not know the answer...but he should contact the social services agency in the state the boy is in....and try to find a lawyer asap.
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  #3  
Old 12-13-2012, 08:03 PM
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Cris89 Cris89 is offline
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Wow sounds like a mess. As loveajax stated, The first thing your husband needs to do is contact social services in the county that the little boy is in and tell them that he is the bio father and he wants to know how to go about getting custody of him. I know that isn't very helpful but you have to start somewhere and that is your best bet. Also schedule a free consultation with a lawyer regarding this issue and get some advice and find out his rights.
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  #4  
Old 12-14-2012, 02:08 PM
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RobinKay RobinKay is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ae2007
The problem was that her husband had signed the birth certificate and took the responsibilities of being his father. So out of respect for them, he never pursued a relationship with the child.

Three years later at the age of 5, I found out that she had divorced her husband and so we started communicating about the child and she was all for us developing a relationship with him. She had told me though that her ex husband had custody of him until she got on her feet (she struggled with alcohol and drug addiction). Then about 6 months later, which was about a month and a half ago, she came forward and told me that the state had taken him and she was given a certain amount of time to get on her feet and had failed to do so, so she was losing custody of him permanently. Her ex husband had also signed over his rights as he was not the biological father, which he had known as long as we had known, if not longer.

My question is, do we have a chance of gaining custody since my fiancé is the biological father? The only reason he never attempted a relationship with the child was because he was respecting the other man who had signed the birth certificate, and also she didn't really give the opportunity for him to have a relationship since she was married to the other man. She told me a few days ago that the adoption is supposed to be finalized two weeks before Christmas. She says his foster parents will allow us to go visit, but we were wanting more. He is currently in work release so he does not have the opportunity to go to the court hearing, and he will more than likely have to establish paternity for anything to be done. Does he have rights as the biological father even though he was not the one on the birth certificate? Shouldn't he have to consent before the adoption can be finalized so that he can state that he would like custody? We were never notified that he was even in state custody until recently, and I have no idea how long he has been there since she never told us. We are at a loss on what to do to get our boy! Please help and let me know if we have a chance. Thanks!

In my opinion--

Your husband was never the legal father. He does not have to consent to the adoption. Additionally, it's very last minute for you to intervene, the adoption is happening any day now, right?

From your description, the foster home is the first stable home your child has ever experienced. Do you really think it's in the child's best interests to move to you, people he has never met?

Interesting on this site, foster parents that are bonded to their foster children are supported in their attempts/desire to adopt their foster children. Yet, this man, who is in work release for a reason (we don't know what) is being encouraged to seek custody of this child. A man who has no relationship with the child, and was willing to forgo a relationship for all these years. It doesn't matter why to the child, the child does not know these people.

If the foster family is willing to have an open adoption, I am in favor of allowing the adoption to go forward. It's too little, too late.
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  #5  
Old 12-15-2012, 02:56 PM
ae2007 ae2007 is offline
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Ok first of all, let me say that it was not our choice for him to not be a part of his life. Considering the first years he was alive, we had no idea he was not her husband's child. Once he was made aware of this, the child's mother was on her way to rehab. So the child was with her husband, three hours away. Although he was never the legal father, as you so kindly pointed out, that does not change the fact he is the biological father. Im sorry, but in my opinion that means a little more than what a piece of paper says.

After she was released from rehab, she stuck around town for about a month and a half, during which we did see the child on two occasions. But after that, she was back with her husband and we had no communication, as we had no way of getting a phone number for them. Her husband, (who was abusive I might add), would not allow any contact, so until the divorce, we never heard from her.

As far as waiting so long to intervene, we had no idea that he was in foster care. I took her word about him still being with her ex-husband, because I didnt think she would lie about something so serious. So we had no way of discovering this any sooner. She had made promise after promise of bringing him here this past summer to spend time with me and the rest of our family. It never happened, and now we are fully aware of why.

You also pointed out that he does not know us. Did he know the foster parents when he was taken from his home and placed there? No he did not. But you seem to be okay with that. The fact he does not know us does not mean he would feel any less loved or taken care of. You can judge all you want, but I am currently finishing up my bachelor's degree in human services, so he would also have a stable home here. Believe it or not, biological parents are also able to provide just as nicely as foster parents.
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  #6  
Old 12-15-2012, 05:59 PM
Jensboys Jensboys is offline
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Knowing him is one thing -- but EVERY SINGLE MOVE is detrimental to a child. If he is stable and happy and yes no matter who you blame your husband chose not to be a parent to this child to this point. Now he is stable and has stable parents -- you need to put HIS needs first.

Send a picture and a letter and ask for contact. He is not "your boy" -- he is a child, with a very complicated history and that deserves to be respected
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  #7  
Old 12-15-2012, 06:15 PM
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RobinKay RobinKay is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ae2007
Ok first of all, let me say that it was not our choice for him to not be a part of his life. Considering the first years he was alive, we had no idea he was not her husband's child. Once he was made aware of this, the child's mother was on her way to rehab. So the child was with her husband, three hours away. Although he was never the legal father, as you so kindly pointed out, that does not change the fact he is the biological father. Im sorry, but in my opinion that means a little more than what a piece of paper says.
You also pointed out that he does not know us. Did he know the foster parents when he was taken from his home and placed there? No he did not. But you seem to be okay with that. The fact he does not know us does not mean he would feel any less loved or taken care of. You can judge all you want, but I am currently finishing up my bachelor's degree in human services, so he would also have a stable home here. Believe it or not, biological parents are also able to provide just as nicely as foster parents.
You and your husband always had the option of an attorney once you knew this was his child. You chose not to do anything to confirm this information. You are still not sure--no DNA test was ever done, right? Your opinion that your fiancé being the bio dad is more important than a piece of paper is just that--your opinion.

Yes, it's harsh to know you will not raise your husband's biological child. Life is not fair.

I am one of many members on this site who have been down this road. I know the pain, but it's not about your pain, it's about a child who is in a safe, stable home and likely very attached to his fparents. Be an aunt an uncle, and supportive of his new family. Once he is adopted, the new parents have NO obligation to ever communicate with you.

Last edited by RobinKay : 12-15-2012 at 06:32 PM.
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Old 01-03-2013, 08:33 PM
littletraveler littletraveler is offline
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This is for the original poster. If you are still checking in on this topic starter, I suggest you go to the adult adoptee boards because you will get some helpful advice from adult adoptees who have experienced being an adoptee and the consequences of that. Some there may have had an experience likes yours and can give you tips on how to preceed or continue.

Based on the little bit you have given, I encourage you to persue your husband getting his son. There is nothing wrong with his wanting to be in his son's life now that he is more aware of the big picture. I do think he should have started earlier, but it isn't too late. In the process, I hope you will obtain a DNA test to be sure.
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:10 AM
murphymalone murphymalone is offline
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I am an adopted person. I think it's commendable that you are interested in providing support to your husband's alleged biological child.

But we aren't talking about ownership here of a piece of property.

As many of the posters have stated, this child for a number of reasons has been uprooted and in having been so done; there are issues that may arise.

I can tell you first hand there are problems that may surface that couldn't be handled by 20 people with degrees, although having one is commendable.

There a few things that have happened. One due to infidelity on the part of one of the parents there is a void of truth. The fact is a child resulted from an encounter.

Unless your husband was unaware of the resulting child, there is some question about this concept that he was not able for a variety of reasons until recently to have taken some responsibility. Pointing fingers of blame to other parties does not negate that fact.

You say that the mother had substance abuse issues which of course impact the child whether through genes or through the course of her ability to cope.

You also mentioned that he is on work release. That statement can be interpreted in a number of ways. Has he deal with the issues that caused him to be incarcerated or not?

If he is on work release he certainly would not present in the minds of many as preferable guardian just because he happens to be the biological father. We could go into long debates about whether that's fair or not but it is a reality legally.

Getting into that is not what matters to decision makers. When people put the matter into the hands of "decision makers" they look at what's in the best interest of the child; as they should.

That's not to say that given some time and counseling your husband would not be a capable and adequate parent despite his incarceration.

Pointing fingers at the fact that other people stepped into to care for a child whose biological parents isn't going to change the situation. The reasons they weren't capable are water under the bridge. A decision maker will simply look at the situation at hand and decide what's in the best interest of the child.

Taking an accusatory position won't be interpreted as a good thing.
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Old 01-08-2013, 01:05 PM
PApplewhite78 PApplewhite78 is offline
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You may have a chance..It will be a really long and 'drawn' out process-if he is seeking rights back..and it can depend on the child, their age and their ability to make good choices...Visitation, may be a option, but not sure of anything else..courts are now being a bit more understanding towards dads...
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Old 01-26-2013, 08:23 AM
justin1 justin1 is offline
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question regarding biological father rights

A woman making an adoption plan may conceal the pregnancy from the biological father or indicate that the father has no interest in the child when this may not be the case. Unless the father learns of the pregnancy and/or the adoption plan and moves to stop it, the adoption will proceed. While most fathers either agree to an adoption plan or do not contest termination of their parental rights, there are those who want to parent their children, and some are exercising that right...
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:30 PM
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CRAZY_WOMAN CRAZY_WOMAN is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ae2007
You also pointed out that he does not know us. Did he know the foster parents when he was taken from his home and placed there? No he did not. But you seem to be okay with that.
How long has this child been in fostercare, because where I live she could have got atleast 3 years to improve herself. It's supposed to be 6 to 12 month, but they seem to give birth parents all these chances. Meaning he's been with these parents for awhile. Also kids can develope attactment problem, if they been raised bad. I'm guessing if her husband loved him, he wouldn't have signed his rights away, meaning no bond with him. Also an alcoholic may not bonded the best with her son. So he's finally able to have a secure place, where he bonded to foster parent, that are planing to adopted him. Now he's supposed to be yanked out. That could majorly screw up his attactment abilities, if he's removed again. Because every grownup in his life screwed up, including your husband. If your husband was a father to him, they would have had to contact him first. But for some reasons he choose not to. That being said nothing would surprise me , they might give a 5 yearold to a complete stanger. Is it the right thing to do? No.
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Old 03-15-2013, 04:33 AM
justin1 justin1 is offline
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If you are still following this thread then I would just like to add here that the child's future must always be the top priority whether or not he lives with his biological father or not. Please make sure that his interests are the most important matters.
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