[katieb55]

Hi there,

I am really struggling with something and I am hoping that someone can help. I am an adoptive mom of an 11 yr. old girl. She was adopted at birth and she is very close to both my husband and I and her sister, who is also adopted. In the past couple of years, she has started to cry periodically about missing her bmom and wanting to know what she looks like, etc. I know that this is very normal and we have always tried to be understanding and loving about her questions. We have told her that when she is 18 she can try and find her bmom and meet her. The problem is that she wants to meet her NOW. She keeps asking why she can't meet her now and that she doesn't want to wait.

The other side of this is that altough the adoption wasn't closed, it wasn't open either and both parties agreed to that in the beginning. We know where the birthmother is and send her pictures and letters regularly, unbeknownst to my 11 yr. old. I know that the birthmother wants contact with our daughter even though in the beginning she did not. The bmom never married and has no other children and she has made it clear that she pines for the one she gave away.

In the meantime, I feel like I am living a lie. I am telling my daughter that she can find her bmom someday (because I want her to wait until she is 18) and all the while I send the bmom photos and letters a couple of times per yr.

You might be wondering "If your daughter needs it and the bmom is fine with it, why don't you just let them meet or at least just show her a picture to satisfy some of the curiosity?"

Well, the reason is that knowing my daughter as we do, my husband and I both feel like showing our dd the only photo we have of the bmom will only make her want to meet her more. If we did arrange for them to meet, I know that the bmom would be all too happy to jump in and be her new bff. I am okay with communication of course, but I do not trust the bmom 100% to respect our boundaries as parents. PLUS, when she is a teen, do I need her contacting her bmom to complain about how mean and horrible we are (what teen doesn't hate their parents at some point in those years??).

In addition, I do not need a teenager telling me the advice her bmom gave to her regarding a sitution...especially if it goes against what we are saying as parents. Bottom line, we just think it will open up a pandora's box of strife for all of us. When she is
18, we have raised her and she will be able to navigate through her emotions better regarding adoption. At that point, I would fully support her meeting her bmom and so would my husband.

My plan is to continue to tell our dd that we understand, love her no matter what and then when she does reunite with the bmom as an older teen, tell her that we have sent pictures all these years and ask for her understanding about this. All I can hope for is that she understands this. I hate seeing my daughter suffer when she cries about not knowing her bmom (which happens every few months or so) and I feel selfish for not wanting anyone else to interfere with the me and my husband raising her.

Any thoughts?? I feel as if I am standing in the way of two people who want to meet each other, but then I feel like "What about me and my feelings? This baby was given to me for me and my husband to be her parents..so why can't it just be us for 18 yrs and then she can reconnect with her bmom??"

Any insight as to what an adoptee feels or any other advice would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Our other daughter is a toddler, so that is why this isn't an issue with her as yet.

Thank you

[Dickons]

I had a long drawn out reply typed and figured you would be upset if I posted it.

I think you need to figure out how to get out of the lies by omission you have told your daughter. If she is not mature enough to meet her mother but mature enough to start slowly corresponding "through you" to her mother, then tell her that. If it is your fears about your place in her life and value, then you need to think why those fears exist and if they are valid or not. Are they real based on fact or just fears without basis (FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real)?

Feelings of abandonment are real feelings for some adoptees. Your love cannot erase that because you didn't abandon her (regardless if the mother made an "adoption plan" it can be felt as abandonment) - pretty words don't make the feelings go away.

The need to know the why's and where you came from are not just reserved for the non-adopted. They are real, valid, part of forming who you are as an individual - do a stroll down your own identity lane and see how much is just you or how you identify things in you to those you are related to - artistic just like my mother, brown eyes and a funny dimple just like my grandmother, really good in math just like my dad - do you see the just like in your identity formation? The "just like" makes that trait good in you...

Good luck,
Dickons

[BethVA62]

the magic number 18. I'd rethink that one LOL there is nothing magic about it and most kids are not grown and out there on their own independantly to do what they are finally allowed to do at 18. And putting the idea in a kids head that they are magically free to do what THEY want regardless of what you want at 18, or that 18 is the finish line, isn't the best idea. LOL Plus they are usually pretty busy deciding what to do with their lives, not to mention trying to graduate high school, the prom, senior class fun, dating, choosing colleges, working.......!!

My son will be 18 in a couple of weeks, if he were adopted I can't imagine waiting to add in a new reunion and all the emotions that go with it to his life right now. Especially when it was possible to have done this long ago and to be there with him to help even more than I could when he is 18 and off to college alone in the fall. kwim? It can send the message that you don't want much to do with it, that you'd like to put it off, or forego it yourself altogether -a wait until you move away from us and you are on your own sort of thing.

Plus just seemingly loosing my son to college miles away is enough for me to deal with right now!

I think it's a good idea to try to help kids prepare for all they may face as they get older, not put it on them the day the become older.

I'd be careful with the secrets too. They can certainly backfire and all trust can be lost quickly and anger can grow into rage. I have a feeling this is a very important thing to your daughter, and you are her gatekeeper. When/if she does contact her bmom at 18 or sooner or later, as she is interested in doing, it's likely that her bmom will let her know that you have been in contact with her all along, even had a picture, and knew how to get in contact with her. I've seen that go all wrong for some.

Keep in mind that sometimes just one bit of info like a picture can keep someones curiosity fed for quite a while and give them an answer they've longed for. A picture could certainly calm the beast a little, and keep it busy for a while. If it were me, I think I would ask every question I could think of about what she thinks and feels about it all, and work from there. IMO, there is a lot of pre-work needed before a reunion begins, no matter how old you are. it takes time to process this stuff. It's really wise to do that work before, instead of during or after. And no one better to help you do that than your mommy

Being an adoptee, and wanting this info myself so badly when I was younger, being worried about my out there somewhere mother, knowing the pain all that caused me, there is no way I could keep it from my kids if they were adopted and wanted to know more. <<<pointing that out because that's the bias I am speaking from.

good luck mom, hang in there, do lots of talking and asking questions, I'm cheering for you

[katieb55]

Thanks for the replies. My husband and I are taking in everything and trying to decide what to do next. Kate

[BethVA62]

Just a few scattered things I just wanted to say just to help, hopefully.

First (of course) - you will always be Mom and Dad to her, always! No matter who she knows or meets, you will always be Mom and Dad even when she's 98.

!Unless of course you tick her off so bad she wants nothing to do with the selfish you's ever again and is so angry that she leaves the first chance she gets because she can't trust you! LOL
Hey, even then, you will always be Mom and Dad to her.
Can't erase it that easily.

Always Mom. Always Dad. Carry that with you always, it doesn't stop at 18, or 25 or even 50.

She's 11, she's beginning to develop her identity, thinking in larger more worldly thoughts, she wants to know more, she's crying about it, in obvious pain about it and asks why she has to wait to meet her.

The 'wait til your older' answer isn't working so well, right?
What other answers can you come up with? (like honest answers LOL)
What do you say when she asks why do I have to wait until 18? (I admit LOL I am curious about that one!) Mainly because neither one of my children were done being 'raised' at 18! And even at 40 I'm not sure I was mature enough for a reunion, not sure if anyone is ever mature enough for that. I really think it's best to start working at preparing for it as young as possible, even better to eliminate the need for a reunion to begin with.

One way I have found with kids is to ask more questions when the questions don't have a firm factual answer that you want to give at the time, or when you just don't know the right answer.
Like:
Do you think you are prepared or ready to actually meet her right now?
How do you think you will feel when you do meet her?
What about the day after you meet her?
Would you like to see a picture first and know more first?
Would you like to know what she does for a living?
what her talents are, if she has a cat or a dog?
Does she like math, can she swim, what size are her shoes?
Do you want to know about her ancestors, like your great great great great grandparents and where they might be from, etc.?
What do you think it will be like when you meet her?
What do you want to say to her?
What do you want to know about her?
Would you like to write her a letter?
Are you worried about her?
What do you think she is like?
Do you think she is exactly like you, or nothing at all like you?
What will you call her? Do you want to know her name?

Mom and Dad, do you already know the kind of questions she may have? I'd ask over and over to see if or how her thoughts change after you've found a few answers and discussed it.

Just talking about these things can wear her out and give her all sorts of things to think about. Kids think they know everything and jump for the finish line often, until you bring up new questions or lines of thinking, wise hints, other things to consider and advice. All sorts of things may come up and you may see what she might be having trouble with and how you can help her with each trouble just by talking, giving some new ways (more healthy ways if needed) to think about it or getting some questions answered some how.

Sometimes just talking helps more than anything. My daughter calls it 'dream talk' even at 27 she likes to hang out with mom and just talk, silly things, questions she has in the universe, things she knows will likely never happen but it's OK to dream about - I am not allowed to squash her dreams during 'dream talk" that's been established LOL Apparantly I am/was a silly dream squasher. No fun at all. So I dream about what I would do with all that lottery money I will win.

I'd suggest talking about other people, other regular ole humans, in the same convo when you are talking about bmom, like did you know my Grandma likes this or that? And say your questions, I wonder if my grandfather was good at cooking or whatever? Give her more info about the people she knows. talk about relationships with others, easy things and hard things that can go with a relationship with anyone. Ask questions about her friends, help guide her with those relationships.
And each time you talk remind her that you are always mom, always dad. I can pretty much guarantee she is or will be worried that you might not always be. Especially if another mother is in some way in her real life as a real human/versus what she imagines and thinks about. Just as much if not more than you. She needs to know that you are strong enough to always be Mom and Dad, like you say, no matter what.

Basically it's not all about if or when, it's more about helping to prepare her for it. Just like a parent would do for dating, or driving, or how to study, how to have friendships, how to put up with aunt sue, etc.. It all takes time and the more prepared she is the easier it will be for all.

Often adoptees just want to know that our mother/father are actually real human beings, not aliens, animals or ghosts, just to be sure! Often for adoptees especially, it's more helpful to know all about how babies are made as soon as possible. And about adult relationships and some of what can happen there. I suggest country songs as a part of this training LOL

Often it's not so much that we want to run off and be with bio people as much as we just want to know what is what and who is who.

I'd try to help her find answers to her questions. Then she will know that you really are there for her with this. And you will know more of what she wants and needs. She's jumping straight for a meeting, maybe the answer could be something like, let's talk about what you want to happen when you do meet. What do you expect her to give you? Do for you? What will it be like? What do you want me to do? What do you expect to do for her, give her? What does a meeting look like to you? I'd have to ask them both that LOL before any direct contact would happen on my watch. I'd have to know where bmom is thinking in all of this as well.

Sorry for typing too much, just couldn't help thinking about you and your daughter. I know what it can feel like in her situation, and it is far from pleasant. I'm sure it's no picnic for you either! So hugs to you all.

[alys1]

I liked the point Dickons made of "communicating through you." As a parent, I *totally* get your points about feeling you know the mom well enough to believe she'd want to bypass you and communicate directly with your daughter, and the likely potential problems and pitfalls of that. Maybe there's a solution in "communicating through", at least for now.

AFA the picture, perhaps you could ask for an updated one.

As a stepparent (otherwise known as 'parenting with a crowd' or 'emotionally land-mine filled parenting') and foster parent, (AKA 'parenting with an even larger opinionated crowd') I know first hand the pitfalls of parenting with groups with different ideas of what's right/wrong/should be done today. I also know the reality of parenting children who have another mom. As a FP, I parented children who'd already been abused & neglected by their moms. As a stepparent, I did the same. The children appreciated being treated well, in a way a child who'd only known good treatment (like your dtr?) would not. So that part was different.

I do think I can say that, for almost everyone I know who's dealt with "co-parenting" via divorce, or foster parenting (where up to 8 people can be giving you advice re the child, ugh!), the more people you add to decision-making about a child, the crazier it gets. And most children do naturally try to triangulate caregivers against each other, so as to get more of what they want.

AFA honesty, that's a big deal. I don't have a brilliant idea to suggest, but something needs to be worked out so that you're not announcing this at some future date. 18 -- I think no way would you get understanding about it. AFA thinking children are particularly mature at 18, agree with PP. Today's world? Really? I don't witness it often. 21, maybe. The average age of graduating from parental support in our country is... 27.

Just read BethVA62's 2nd response. So much in there is wise, preparing in advance with both parties, helping her to think through multiple situations -- through you as her safety net and advisor helping her ponder in advance.

[Dickons]

Alys,

I used that specifically and glad you picked up on it. When I was mid to late ? teens I had burning questions I needed answers to - long story short there was a way mom and dad could get some answers for me through others - I was limited to picking my most pressing questions I wanted answers too. Those answers even passed though several people made such a difference - I had answers and snippets of knowledge. Not that it stopped the wanting to know more or any of that but it made a huge difference all the same.

I still think the lies by omission has to stop because that destroys trust. I had trust in mom and dad and that is something that is priceless - I knew exactly what they knew and what they could do to help.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[beulahcarol]

Katie,

I am a 59y/o adoptee who grew up always knowing I was adopted (adopted at birth). I have been in reunion since 2006. I can truly appreciate your situation and concerns esp. regarding boundaries. I like the idea of starting out showing your daughter the original picture you have of her birthmother as this is what she looked like around the time she gave birth to your daughter. Starting at the beginning of your daughters life seems like a good place to begin. Giving your daughter a glimpse of her reality ie her birthmother and hope that a reunion is coming eventually might be enough for right now. Even as an adult in reunion, going slow was really helpful for me. I made contact in 2006 and didn't actually meet my birthmother until 2008. Being honest and going slow would be my suggestions.

My thoughts & best wishes are with you & your family.
Carol

[SweetLilyBugs]

Ok this is my first post in the forums...had this thing all typed out and it deleted...grrr.

I would say, put yourself in your daughters shoes. How would you feel if something was occupying your mind at all times, and your parents had the answers/resources at their fingertips but chose to keep it from you. I know it's difficult and our responses are likely difficult too. But I am going to be honest but hopefully not hurtful...

I believe it's best to be honest with your daughter. I think that if she finds out later on down the line that she will be very hurt and upset and maybe even betrayed that you were in contact with birth mother but never told her. Also, there is no guarantee she will be 18 when she finds all this out and does something about it. When I was a tween/teen I was very curious and dug around the house until I found the paperwork regarding my adoption/birth. I even found a photocopy of a document that had her name blocked out. when I was about 25 my mom gave me all the documents she had, but that one is missing. Accidental? Choice? Who's to say. I doubt it exists in her house anymore. But I am not happy that she didn't include it. There is a reason they say "where there's a will there's a way" especially nowadays with the internet at her fingertips. If she found those documents of contact with her birth mother, what do you think the repercussions would be? Would she contact her with you or without you? We always have plans and hopes as to how things will unfold when we raise our kids but sometimes the kids throw a wrench in those plans.

Also, I agree with Dickons that you have to look into your own reservations and fears as to why you are so hesitant for them to maintain any sort of contact. Slow and steady is a great idea. Is your daughter wondering why she was "abandoned"? It can certainly feel that way especially in those volatile teen/tween years. It's also different to have you say "she loved you and did this to give you the best life possible" because of course you are going to say that. It's different if you were to be able to hear it straight from the one who gave you up.

Is she struggling with the 'why was I given up'? Is she getting questions from kids at school? If she shared this information with them they may be giving her a hard time? We all know how kids can be. It's obviously a very very sensitive topic for her. You know her best and you have a sense of the birth mother and how she is. Maybe you can have them be "penpals" so to speak. But you could also tell the birth mother that this is your child and you will be setting the rules about when and how things happen and those rules will be followed if contact is to be maintained. Maybe even just one letter and a picture.

You are in a tough spot, it's definitely not an easy decision you have at hand here. I wish you all the best! Please keep us updated as to your decision.

[Dickons]

Just wanted to say welcome Sweet...nice to have new adoptees around...

Kind regards,
D

[SweetLilyBugs]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Just wanted to say welcome Sweet...nice to have new adoptees around...

Kind regards,
D

Thanks Dickons!

[captaintrps]

She knows. You think it's "unbeknownst" to her, but kids are smarter than that.

I'm adopted. I'm 43, I was adopted when I was a few months old.

My parents made myself and my sister, also adopted, two years older than me, adopted at 6 months, aware of the fact that we were adopted.

We both understood that our Mom couldn't have babies, so they CHOSE us. We felt special.

We both grew up without any urge or curiosity about who our birth parents were.

My parents were never in any contact with our birthmothers. Looking back on it, that was probably huge. Our identity was so closely tied to our parents and our family, that we never felt a need to find out who our birth parents were.

It didn't matter. We were raised to believe that our birth parents had a baby and they couldn't deal with it at that particular time in their lives, so they put us up for adoption.

And, my parents would always reinforce that they were blessed to have children, when they weren't able to have any themselves.

We felt special.

Your daughter knows that you're in touch with her birthmother...just a gut feeling, so for what it's worth, don't underestimate her inuitions.

Given what I've said above, if I were to adopt a toddler, I would talk to them about "where they're from" at age 3.

If your daughter wants to speak with her birthmother, let her. The cat's already out of the bag so to speak. Ask yourself if your decision is in any way based on your own feelings, or your husbands.

And then think about how much that doesn't matter to your daughter.

It's not about you. As parents of an adopted child and especially given that you've corresponded with the birthmother all the while; it's kind of like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey to get him curious enough to try to get to it.

Of course we want to see what's behind curtain number 1, if we think we have a true chance of finding out. What human being isn't curious?

Put your own fears and reservations aside. Look at it from your daughter's perspective.

[murphymalone]

"My plan is to continue to tell our dd that we understand, love her no matter what and then when she does reunite with the bmom as an older teen, tell her that we have sent pictures all these years and ask for her understanding about this. All I can hope for is that she understands this. I hate seeing my daughter suffer when she cries about not knowing her bmom (which happens every few months or so) and I feel selfish for not wanting anyone else to interfere with the me and my husband raising her."

You have said "We understand and love her no matter what". Okay. That's good. You have information that you have decided she isn't privy to and she's crying as you've said every few months or so. There seems to be some contradiction. If you don't want her to suffer give the information to her. You say you love her no matter what remember. That means that you know there will likely be repercussions and you will stand by her. Do it.

Be there for her through this. When she's eighteen means that she has 7 more years of being in a situation where you are withholding information that will ease her longing. That's a long sentence of suffering when you could help her now.

What are you afraid of? That the birthmother will swoop in and take your place? The chances of that happening is what I believe is the risk. Teenagers will rebel and us their peers or anyone they can relate to; to challenge the status quo.

Sit her down and explain what you know in terms she can understand now. Explain that you love her and want to help her through this. The chances of her understanding what is really "a fear of the unknown" for you and not resenting the fact that you held this from her down the road is a pretty big gamble.

Tell her that you are here for her. Isn't it better to introduce this now than to know that you have information that could help than if you didn't? It won't go away. You can ease this girl's longing.

I would contact the birth mother and set some boundaries. Tell her that your looking out for your/best daughter's best interests. Feel her out. Explain that you are going to show her a picture. Start out with letters. It gives you a chance to help her process. It will be far less shocking to the system. You can help her understand slowly. Then phone calls. Then you can see if this woman is in this for her self interest or not. I think it's realistic to want to protect your daughter.

Let things unfold and deal with things as they arise. She maybe satisfied with pictures and what you know up to now. Don't burden her with having her "understand" why you withheld information. Apologize to her and tell her that you wanted to wait until you think she is ready and that you don't want to see her hurt.

You can be there for her now. It's not too late to turn this around. Good Luck.

[margik]

i was adopted when i was only 2 months old. i love & cherish my adopted parents with every inch of my heart. i'm trying to think of how i would have felt, at such a young age, being introduced to my actual bmom. honestly, i'm 52, and i still just can't grasp the reality of what i would feel. i'm not sure why your daughter is feeling the way she is, i guess we all handle things differently. my brother is 3 years older, and his wife has told me that he is very angry about his bmom leaving hime in a hospital & giving him away. i don't see it like that. i feel blessed to have been adopted by two wonderful people who cared enough to rescue me. it's a very tough call. on one hand, people may feel...yes, let them meet. not only would this be hard on you and your feelings, it truly just may be creating a whole new level of emotions for your daughter. in my case, i kept a "fairytale" in my mind..that my bmom must have loved me, but just couldn't take care of me. i've had to keep that whole part of my life safely "tucked away". even at my age, the thought of finding & meeting her...just too much. in my opinion, she would be better off to wait until she is older. i would be more worried that she would get her hopes up....and the fairytale of the mom that gave her up would show up like prince charming, and it would be happily ever after, even if there is a limited relationship. the reality...she is YOUR daughter now. you raised her. you know her. her ups, her downs. her stregnths, her weaknesses. and if bmom decides after a few weeks, or months, or years, that she's better off going back to NOT having her in her life? your daughter would be crushed.
i don't know how other people feel on this, but for me, i think it's best to wait til she is more mature, and able to emotionally handle what the outcome will be. it may be great...it may not. i feel to this day, its better to feel in my heart that there's someone out there missing me, and wanting me, than to take the chance of being "given away" one more time in my life.
good luck on your decision. i hope i gave you a little insight the mind of an adopted daughter. your mom... you look after her heart, and protect her. do what you truly feel is best , for her. she'll understand when she is older why you wanted her to wait, if thats what you think is best for her.

[sunshinelil]

I have to respond to your post...it haunts me that you are going to keep the birthmom a secret until your daughter is 18. I am an adoptee who is 37 and has dealt with abandonment and relationship issues due to being adopted. Anger, hurt, resentment, loss, the biggest question...who do I look like??? HUGE one...I have always known i was adopted...I started searching with my adopted mom when i was 15 to find my birthmom, did not find her until I was 23 years old by hiring a private investigator. If I had found her earlier on in my life, I would be a different person today. I dealt with being a teenager who did not know where I belonged, I was angry, acted out and felt so sad because I did not know where I came from...I would still be struggling with abandonment if I had found her sooner in life because that is something that starts from birth...research the affects of being adopted and what it does to a baby when separated from birthmom at birth. In my heart I believe that your daughter will resent you if you do not tell her now and she finds out later in life..that would destroy your relationship as I have found things out that my adopted mom kept from me and I struggle with it everyday. There is a legal way that you can go about it to keep it so you are still her parents....you would be giving your daughter the best gift and that is a gift of life....if you are not adopted yourself you can never understand but please do not deprive her of know where she came from and who she looks like and let her heal her inner child now instead of waiting thirty years to do that......