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  #1  
Old 10-06-2011, 03:18 AM
tonya16 tonya16 is offline
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Do adopted daughters get on with their adopted mothers?

Can anyone help me with this please?

I have been adopted for the last 31 years and I never seem to have had a proper mother daughter relationship with my a-mother, I was placed with her because she has an NNEB qualification and was told that she would be the best mother and role model for me. So after being her so called "daughter" for 31 years, I have looked up to her, done what I thought was needed from me and behaved a way that I thought she wanted, then when I started a relationship with my husband as he is now and has been for the past 10/11 years he has seen a woman that just constantly puts me down and critisises everything I do and I get no praise for the normal things a daughter would get praised for and then she wonders why I am so defensive towards her now. Does anyone else feel like this?

Thanks Tonya x
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  #2  
Old 10-06-2011, 08:10 AM
millie58 millie58 is offline
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I'm not adopted but my mother always criticized me. I had to physically move away in order to "cut the cord".
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  #3  
Old 10-06-2011, 11:23 AM
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wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
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I'm sure you'll have some adoptees weighing in

I'm in the same boat as Millie. My experiences with my mom are always in the back of my mind when engaging with my AD.

I make an extra effort to be supportive. I'm thinking thats ok at age 7 and hoping it'll become more natural as we get more bonded. I hope it doesn't feel "fake" or forced. The feeling of pride IS there.. the extra effort is in vocalizing it.

Won't know til she's grown up how its being received
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  #4  
Old 10-06-2011, 12:42 PM
Dickons Dickons is offline
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Tonya,

I think sometimes the fit is not there. I think sometimes it is just the personality of the individual or they way they were parented. The "shoulds" is what I call it. A word best banned in parenting...

Just assume the power position and either to choose not to let her comments impact you or choose to confront her in a quiet peaceful manner.

It may be more common in adoption that the fit is not there because of biology but it is not exclusive in adoption.

As long as YOU are happy where you are in life that is really all that matters.

Kind regards,
Dickons
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Old 10-06-2011, 03:19 PM
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EZ2Luv EZ2Luv is offline
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I am not able to relate as an adoptte because my Amom and I got along great. Then I would see my non adopted friends constantly complaining about the same thing with their moms so maybe is is just a mother/daughter type of thing n some realtionships. Not really because of adoption
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Old 10-06-2011, 03:38 PM
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RavenSong RavenSong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EZ2Luv
I am not able to relate as an adoptee because my Amom and I got along great. Then I would see my non adopted friends constantly complaining about the same thing with their moms so maybe is is just a mother/daughter type of thing in some relationships. Not really because of adoption
I agree with EZ about it being more of a personality thing than an adoption issue most of the time. Growing up, my two best friends were adopted...and they both were extremely close to their mother. I, on the other hand, had an extremely contentious relationship with my own mother, especially during the teenage years...and I'm not adopted. My mom and I just always locked horns with each other from the time I started having my own ideas. Until I was about 4 years old, she adored me...after that, well, I think she would have preferred if I had simply disappeared from her life.

I'm sorry you don't have a good relationship with your amom. That's one of the things I've really regretted most of my life, not having a close and nurturing relationship with my mom.
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  #7  
Old 10-08-2011, 07:44 PM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Hi Tonya,
I am an adoptee (42 years) and feel like you...my AMother was also extremely critical and affection was rare. I began playing the violin when I was four years old and was eventually concert mistress in high school, went to All-State 3 years, and earned a musuc college scholarship. It seemed like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. I tried to have a relationship with AMom my entire life and told her how much I really wanted to be close with her. She told me she could not "be that for me". I know it was at least partly because her Mom could be very cruel to her. I learned about some embarrasing and hurtful situations she experience with her Mom - not that that is an excuse. It really makes me question why she wanted to adopt a baby girl if she could not feel and act lovingly, though...Anyway, I have an ABrother who is their natural child, and she and ADad are very close with him (live 6 miles from he and his family), so I do wonder if it is the Son vs. Daughter thing or Natural child vs. Adoptive child thing. As mentioned, it is probably a personality difference, which is often different between Aparents and adoptees. I think it is harder to have a strained relationship with an AMom because you do not have the similar looks, personality, etc. drawing you back. Just want you to know there are others in similar situations. Warmly, Kris
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Old 11-04-2011, 09:16 AM
jp4ga jp4ga is offline
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My mom and I were like oil and water never did get along and still don't. I tolerate her for the rest of the family. That being said, I lived in a group home for many years... not adopted but had the most wonderful house parents and I and my (Foster, house parent, adoptive (but not legally) "MOM" got along great.

I think it has more to do with personality than with the mode of relationship (but I may be wrong).
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  #9  
Old 11-14-2011, 10:11 PM
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mymotherssacrifice mymotherssacrifice is offline
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I'm late to joining this thread but I could have wrote your post. I didn't even know I was adopted for sure because of my mother lying to me but my teenage years were horrible. I was a good kid growing up and never felt she recognized it even though people would tell me, your mom is so proud of you, she never actually told me. Not when I earned awards in school, not when I graduated college, not when I got married, nor when I had children. It even extended to my children, she would always compare my son to other people's babies. Due to a lot of complicated things that I won't get in to, we stopped having contact almost 4 years ago and it has been a blessing. I do not feel like my adoptive mother ever bonded with me, I do not feel like she geniunely love(d) me, and I do not miss the drama or the put downs. She believes I am a horrible person and would often make me feel bad and have me in tears. Well everyone else in the world that actually knows me, thinks I am okay, most people think I am a good person, so I can't be that bad. Sorry for the vent but you are not alone. Do what you need to do to be happy and healthy and if she can't conform to what that is than you need to create boundaries that allow you to feel better about yourself. For my mother and me the terms were, be honest about the past, allow me to discuss my birth mother and stop critisizing my parenting, husband and religion. The main one was the honesty, after 28 years of being lied to about being adopted I believe that is something I deserve, but it was a deal breaker for her. Sometimes I miss having a mom, but the truth is I had that void when she was in my life, I miss that I never had a sincere and loving mother, not her.
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:41 AM
msmelrichard msmelrichard is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ready4BMom
Hi Tonya,
I am an adoptee (42 years) and feel like you...my AMother was also extremely critical and affection was rare. I began playing the violin when I was four years old and was eventually concert mistress in high school, went to All-State 3 years, and earned a musuc college scholarship. It seemed like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. I tried to have a relationship with AMom my entire life and told her how much I really wanted to be close with her. She told me she could not "be that for me". I know it was at least partly because her Mom could be very cruel to her. I learned about some embarrasing and hurtful situations she experience with her Mom - not that that is an excuse. It really makes me question why she wanted to adopt a baby girl if she could not feel and act lovingly, though...Anyway, I have an ABrother who is their natural child, and she and ADad are very close with him (live 6 miles from he and his family), so I do wonder if it is the Son vs. Daughter thing or Natural child vs. Adoptive child thing. As mentioned, it is probably a personality difference, which is often different between Aparents and adoptees. I think it is harder to have a strained relationship with an AMom because you do not have the similar looks, personality, etc. drawing you back. Just want you to know there are others in similar situations. Warmly, Kris


WOW that's crazy....sounds just like my mom. I was the classic overachiever too (still am), and get
the same response from my mother. I'd like to be her friend and have a closer relationship now that I'm an adult (I'm almost 30 with three children of my own), but it doesn't look like it will ever happen. She's also expressed that it won't ever "be that way".

The thing that super, duper hurts me is that a few weeks ago, I saw a young, pretty, conservatively dressed woman post on my mom's wall, "I got the job...thanks for all your help!" and it was a HUGE slap in the face. So.....all I have to do is dress like Martha Stewart and NOT be myself for the REST of my life for you to "love" me? Accept me? Have a relationship with me?

Forgive me if I think that's bull. Mothers, adoptive or biological, should be able to accept their adult daughters and at least have a civil relationship. And that they especially shouldn't desperately seek other young women who they *wish* their daughter was like to form relationships with.

My mother hasn't spoken to me in over a year. She disapproves of my tattoos, my work with the AIDS community and the gay community, my lifestyle (being divorced and remarried), my choices in raising my children (not as militant-strict as she was)...basically, everything about me is a huge disappointment to HER. To me, I'm proud of myself. I'm a military veteran, I am currently the youngest member of a nonprofit Board of Directors, I have a good position with a respected AIDS agency in our area, my husband and I are raising three smart, insightful, talented children....I love my life and I love the contribution I make to the world. Would I like to have her approval and her involvement in my life? Sure! But not at the price of my dignity....I am no longer going begging for her attention (per my therapist). I am no longer changing my persona or who I am to please a woman who is never going to be pleased with me, regardless. I am no longer chaining myself to her standards of "success" but rather accepting my own and achieving the high standards I set for MYSELF.

It sure does hurt, however, to not have a family.....closed adoption, so no biological family that I can connect with, my bio brother was adopted with me and he and I communicate, but my adoptive parents just don't give me the time of day. It sucks.
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Old 12-20-2011, 05:10 PM
Nyctimene Nyctimene is offline
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My adoptive mother is exactly the same.

She has an identical twin sister who is not that way at all and seemed to be much more relaxed and free with praise for her sons (my cousins).

I think it's just personality, not necessarily adoption vs non-adoption.

Some mothers aren't cuddly and don't offer praise and many basically act like things like putting a roof over your head and food on the table is the be all and end all of parenting and showing love. That love can be assumed even if it's never spoken aloud.

It's a miserable thing and incredibly hurtful for the children raised in these households. There's really nothing that ever takes that away, I think we just learn not to let it rule us after a certain point. And most of all, not to take it personally. It's not you. It's absolutely a problem within herself that often does stem back to their own childhoods and how they were raised and they just choose not to try better (I don't buy that anyone is 'too old to learn/change') with their own children.
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:12 PM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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It is helpful to hear that you are not alone, when you are in a situation that is painful - to know it "is not you". However, it is much easier said than done to, "not to let it rule us after a certain point". I can say over and over to myself that I do not care what my adoptive Mother says, but the truth is...I am not sure I can ever completely mean that. No matter how much anger I carry, I still want her approval and care how she treats me and what she says. I do not want to and try so hard not to. I do not want to be around her because it always ends up being so incredibly painful - but now I found out my Birth Mother will probably not be in my life (more importantly - not in my daughter's life) and I cannot remove my daughter's Grandmother from her life (she is good to my daughter) because of how she is with me. It may be very hard to be around her, but I know I will "call her out" on the spot, if she crosses any lines that are really bad, that I wouldn't have before. I agree we learn as we get older, but I still feel like a child, at times - crazy.
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Old 12-21-2011, 09:47 AM
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Tonya,

I was not close with my adoptive mother. I was closer wtih my adoptive father. The parents I was raised with had one bio child already, a son. He could do no wrong it seemed in the eyes of my mother. But I could.
Sometimes things just aren't what they should be. If your husband loves you and treats you right. Put yourself in his arms and be loved by him. If your mother cannot love you, compliment you just try to make the best out of it. I know it's not easy. I know you may hurt from her actions but it's not worth it to bring you down.
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Old 12-27-2011, 08:35 PM
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Elizabethakasdi Elizabethakasdi is offline
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It saddens me to read so many didn't have a good relationship with their mothers. I do think it was more personality than the adoption, because someone very close to me had the same problems with their natural mom.

I was adopted 49 years ago, and guess I was extremely lucky, my amom has been dead for 17 years and I miss her so much sometimes it hurts, She was my best friend. I shared everything with her.

She would listen, be understanding and caring; but she would tell me when I was wrong too. We had our problems when I was a teenager like all my friends with natural moms. I would tell my friends about things my mom and would talk about boys, sex and drugs, and my friends would tell how they couldn't talk to their moms about those things. And how luck I was to have such a cool mom!

She would told me she couldn't talk to her mom like we talked. That's why she wanted me to feel free to come to her. Don't get me wrong, my mom was no push over. She always let me know she was the adult in the situation. But she was open and honest with me about the adoption as well as many other things.
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Old 12-28-2011, 09:47 AM
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I dont think this is isolated to adoption. Mothers and daughters, bios and adopted, have been at odds since time began.

Just like all relationships, some people click together better than others.
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