[chicha]

My husband and I are proud parents of a 4 month old boy we adopted domestically. We are currently in the process of adopting from Colombia and were approved by ICBF this last year. Originally, we were hoping for an infant, but now, we think we would like to have an older child.
I guess we have several questions.

1. Why do older children become available? Have they been in the casa privadas the entire time, or are they removed from their homes for reasons?

2. How would we go about changing? Would we have to start our wait time over again, or does it count from when we were accepted for a 0-2 year old?

3. For those of you who have adopted older children, how was the transition and how are they doing now? My husband is from Argentina, so we speak Spanish in the home, which will help the transition process.

Thanks so much for all your help.
Cathy and Diego

[Bogota Girl]

We adopted an older child, daughter, from Colombia in October 2003. She was 12. It has been a little while since I have been through the process, but hopefully I have some information.

I'm sure you're probably not thinking quite that old, but either way, adopting the older child is a grand adventure and one full of challenges and rewards.

Older children become available through many different ways. There are actually many, many children in the care and custody of ICBF in Colombia, a great deal of whom are not adoptable children. It is not uncommon to find that they have some family, but they are unable to be cared for by existing family. However, those who are adoptable are there because either they have been abandoned, relinquished or removed from their parents or due to death of parents.

In our case, our daughter was initially placed in an orphanage having been removed from her mother because of abuses, neglect, transient behavior, addictive behavior, etc. The initial intent was to work to restore the family by improving the conditions at home. After several years, it was determined that was not going to happen and the state removed parental rights. At that point, our daughter was declared abandoned and, after four years in the orphanage, now adoptable.

The children could be currently living in and adopted from any number of living situations as well. They might be in foster homes, they might be in casas privadas and even in government institutions. Our daughter was adopted through ICBF, but actually lived in an hogar run by the Diocese. You will also find that the cost of adoption is variable somewhat dependent upon the above.

I don't know how to answer your question about changing from infant to older child. I'll leave that to someone else.

I know of numerous older children who have been adopted to families in the US. My experience and the experience of those I know is that it has been a challenging time. The transition can be difficult and slow. It has been just shy of five years for us and I can finally say that our daughter has reached a place of contentment. She still has highs and lows and there are still things that come into her life that cause her to revisit her loss and experience grief, but overall she manages those instances quite well. Each child will be different. It will vary with each child based on their own experiences and how you work with them to help them.

There are so many things that enter into an older child adoption and the success of that situation, some of which will be out of your control. I suggest you read, ask questions, find someone who has "been there-done that" and gain as much information as possible. The more prepared you are for every possible scenario, the more you all will benefit and thrive.

I hope that helps. I'm happy to answer any questions that you might have. I enjoy being a "mentor". I believe our experiences are as much for our own gain as they are so that we can be of service to others.

Blessings to you.

Robin

[chicha]

Robin,
Thank you so much for your reply. It really helped see the big picture. My husband and I both feel pulled (in a good way!) to adopt an older child (under 7) or sibling group of two, so it really helps hearing how things are going with you. If you don't mind me asking, do you have any other children? Because we have a little one, we want it to be fair to him as well and be able to continue to give him the attention he needs.
If you have any other thoughts or anyone else, I would love the imput.

[kristibk]

We just found out that we will finally be bringing our daughter home in about 6 weeks. She is 6 and we are adopting from Guatemala. We don't speak spanish (I took 4 years in high school and hopefully it will come back) so we know we will have challenges. EVERYONE keeps telling me kids are like sponges and they pick up the language in 3 - 6 months. I have started the spanish CD's for refresher. My aunt and mother are from Mexico but moved here in their childhood. They remember enough to help us out in the beginning. We are so looking forward to all the ups and downs. We can't wait.

[AuntDonna]

Congratulations, and yes she will learn quick. My 6 year old was speaking in 3 months but she started to understand what I was saying in one month. I noticed that you live in Vermont. Where? My sister who adopted from Colombia and Guatemala live in Rutland. She doesn't know anyone who adopted from Guatemala or Colombia near her.

Hope you travel soon.

Donna

[adoptcolombia]

My husband and I switched from an infant to a sibling group before we officially received approval, but I believe that you will probably need to start over as far as the wait. But the wait is significantly shorter for older children or sibling groups, so (and anyone correct me if I'm wrong) you would probably be looking at a referral within about 9 months from your new approval, possibly much sooner as you said you were willing to go up to age 7. That's the impression I have at least. Looking forward to following your journey!
Christy

[DrLaura]

I think one of the main things that will need to be addressed is an amendment to your homestudy that deals with how you are preparing to deal with children in the home out of birthorder. Colombia likes to keep the kids in birth order if possible...so they will want to know how you plan to address that and possibly want to know that you have addressed this with your social worker.

Longest wait is for a single 3-4 year old. Even longer than infants. Typically those children come with a sibling so they are adopted out as sibling groups. So expect a single child 5-7 or sibling group. I think sibling groups up to age 7 go much faster than groups up to age 6.

[Bogota Girl]

How old is your child?

We had two other (bio) children when we adopted our third. They were 15 and 13 when we adopted our 12 year old.

Anytime your family grows there is certainly a period of adjustment and time needed to adapt to a new "normal" for the household. Each member learns a new role in some sense. In our case, it was an incredible life lesson for our "American teenagers" to sacrifice of themselves in such a way as to open our home to another. Although, I will say they were as committed to adding to our family through adoption as we were.

I will note that the older adopted child can have, depending upon their experiences and exposure to family, some unique and perhaps even misconstrued notions or ideas of what a family is and how it functions. So in that sense they are often the ones that struggle with issues of fairness, etc. Depending upon their "vision" for a family, it is often harder for them to grasp just what it means to be part of a community.

Certainly though it is important to consider how your child will be affected. Particularly in the early phase your new child will consume some extra time and may "impose" on what your child has become accustomed to. However, as I mentioned before even a new baby would do that. Just as in that case, you obviously need to pay attention and make sure you carve out special times - for both/all children.

[chicha]

Our child now is only 4 months old, so as far as birth order, I don't think it would affect him.?. I do however appreciate your experience with the "time factor" and fairness. I want to be sure it is fair to him, although he is only 4 months old.
Bogota girl, How long has it taken for your "third" to adjust? has it been difficult? I am sure it is an ongoing process..!
Laura, We just talked to our caseworker and the homestudy is one thing they said we need to update. I am excited to follow your journey as well. Can you request the number of siblings for your family?
Thanks SOOO much for all your help!
Cathy

[Bogota Girl]

Originally Posted by chicha

Our child now is only 4 months old, so as far as birth order, I don't think it would affect him.?. I do however appreciate your experience with the "time factor" and fairness. I want to be sure it is fair to him, although he is only 4 months old.
Bogota girl, How long has it taken for your "third" to adjust? has it been difficult? I am sure it is an ongoing process..!
Laura, We just talked to our caseworker and the homestudy is one thing they said we need to update. I am excited to follow your journey as well. Can you request the number of siblings for your family?
Thanks SOOO much for all your help!
Cathy

Our daughter has done fine. It will be five years in October that she has been with us. We have had moments of incredible highs and moments of incredible lows. And, in all honesty, it has only been within the past 6-9 months that I have seen her come to a place of true contentment. She still has moments were she encounters life struggles which usually result in her struggling to "handle" life, but unlike in the recent past, she now recovers mostly on her own and much more quickly than previously.

She is growing into a beautiful young woman. She readily admits that she would have prefered the circumstances of her life were different and she had been able to remain in her own country...if things had been ideal. However, she also realizes and readily admits she can see how, under the circumstances, there was little hope for her life apart from having been adopted and brought to the US.

We have been blessed with an incredible support system of family, friends and a professional counselor. She recognizes God's providential hand in her life to bring her to where she is at and now she could look upon some of the hurts of the past and see them as gifts. We have learned that the past is valuable in that it has contributed to who you are and who you will become, and she has worked to appreciate what is behind her, but not let it impede her ability to move forward.

I would say that our story can be labeled a success story. In spite of the hurdles, it has been a positive adoption story. I believe it is only such though because of how hard each and everyone of us worked toward that end and by God's grace.

I have seen failures in other families as well. Adopting the older child can be a true test to your committment to that child and to the family. I have seen some give up. My advice - be determined and be relentless on behalf of your child. Of course that would be absolutely the case regardless of how a child entered the family. It's just that I know some who saw their adopted child(ren) differently, as if the adoptive situation provided the option to quit. Shameful I know, but true. There needs to be the right mindset up front.

We look forward to watching her move through high school and out into the world. I guess that will be the true test of how she has done, but at this point, we see good things.

[emi]

I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences with older child adoptions. I don't know if we will ever adopt an older child or not, but I have enjoyed reading your honest and sincere accounts of your experiences. What a great thread!

[Sumerce]

I have enjoyed listening to your reports, but I think there is something about adopting older children out of birth order that has not been addressed. It is, unfortunately, something I have seen first hand through a good friend that adopted 2 boys from Kazahkstan. The boys were 9 & 10 and were brought home to join a family with 2 younger biological children. Unfortunately, there was no record of sexual abuse to the boys, but they had suffered from it. They began to abuse the younger kids and it wasn't discovered for a long time. The family was forced to disrupt the adoption and their little ones have had a MULTITUDE of issues.

Adopting older children is NOT for the faint of heart. It is not a faster way to adopt and you should certainly be well aware of ALL of the implications that bringing older children into you home my have. It would be ideal if the older kids available for adoption didn't have difficult backgrounds -- but the reality is that they Most likely do. Do your homework -- lots of it.

Another friend adopted a sib group of 3 from COlombia (6, 7, 9) and brought them home to join both bio and adopted siblings --4 of which were younger than the group. The family has had tons of problems with the sib group. They have been home for 4 years and literally there has been NO PEACE in the home since the kids came home. They have them working with attachment specialists, psychologists, etc. The sib group picks on the younger kids -- and hurts them violently at times. They seem to have no conscience -- mostly based on abuse they suffered from their birth family.

Read all the books you can get your hands on. Join attachment groups (there is one in Yahoo groups). Read Parenting the Hurt CHild and Attaching in Adoption and other attachment related books. It is more than updating your homestudy -- do your homework.

Interview psychologists in your area. Find one that speaks Spanish and has experience dealing with children with attachment issues an older child adoption. Be prepared to have your children's first appointment as soon as you get back. Your updated homestudy would have to reflect that you have prepared to take on an older sibling group that you have taken classes or read appropriate books. If not, ICBF will send it back asking for more information -- even then, they likely will send it back for more info anyway.

ICBF does not want to see disruption and they want to see that you are really prepared and committed to providing a forever home to their children. Talk to people who have adopted sib groups. COntact Colombian agencies and ask if they could have some of their families -- happy and not happy -- call you to talk about the ups & downs of sib group adoption. Unfortunately, when families get home -- few stick with these boards --especially those who are having problems. So, it might be helpful to try to find them through the agency. Most agencies can't give you the families names & numbers -- but you can give them yours and ask them to pass it on. Then pray for a response. I would call agencies that you are not planning on using so that the agency doesn't have the incentive of you as a client preventing them from giving you the whole story.

Study it out in your mind -- positives, negatives, plans of attack, backup plans -- then pray about it! See how you feel.