[Katies_mom]

I found this site yesterday after receiving an email asking my husband and I to adopt my cousins baby due next summer. I knew she was pregnant and in a crisis pregnancy. DH and I had already prayed about the possibility of adopting her baby and decided not to approach her, but prayed if it were His will, she would approach us.



We already have a daughter born June 2001 and I had several problems with my pregnancy and things got kinda hairy in the delivery room. Thats why we considered adoption to begin with to finish our family.

My concerns are our extended family and this baby will have a half brother.....

have any of you dealt with a situation like this? any suggestions or advice?

Thanks!!!!
Janice

[Katies_mom]

Thanks Miranda! I had a huge reply typed out and hit submit and poof it was gone

So again.....

I would value any opinions you have! Would you mind sharing the ground rules you have with your sisters family?

My biggest concerns are not hurting her and how our large extended family is going to react to this.

How do I explain to her that I realize the sacrifice she is making and still show excitement at having a new baby in our life. I am going to call her later this morning so that we won't be playing tag team email. I am scared of saying something to offend her or hurt her, thats the last thing I want.

I already feel like this baby is mine. I spent yesterday having all the same thoughts and emotions I had when I found out I was pregnant.

She said at first she couldn't imagine chancing hearing about the baby, getting reports about growth, teeth, first steps and so on, then went on to say that this way she would know her baby is going to a loving home and wold know he/she would be well loved and taken care of.

Our first hurdle is the fact that she lives 3 hours away in another state. I am going to ask her to come here to stay to have the baby, so that he/she will be an Indiana resident, but what about after the baby is born....

I have a million questions and concerns and the longer I write, the more pop-up so I will call it quits for now.

Thank you so much for your time!

you can email me directly if you want.
katies_mom2@hotmail.com

Thanks again
Janice

[Katies_mom]

I talked to my cousin for about an hour the other day. It was so awkward at first, but once we started talking, it was like we had just seen each other last week.

She is adament about giving her baby to us. Or at least giving her up for adoption. We have talked a lot since then, even making jokes about who in our family not to tell first since they would spread the news like spam and we wouldn't be able to tell anyone else, they would already know.

I told my mom and she told her mom, her mom is being great about it, really supporting her, but worrying about after the baby is born, how will she be emotionally.

My mom is being a butt about it. She wants more grandkids, but she thinks this is going to cause all kinds of family issues. I said only if you let it. This will be MY baby, she will call me mom and you grandma. birthmom will be cousin A and her mom will be Aunt A. My mom wants the 4 of us to get together and "vent our concerns about this mess". I said NO WAY. Cousin A doesn't need that. She needs support and love, not controversy. You can sit down with me and Aunt A and we will talk.

Cousin A is concerned about what the rest of the family is going to think about her, giving up her baby. My response was that she is doing a very loving, selfless and courageous thing. She could have had an abortion and no one would even have known she was pregnant, instead she is taking responsibility for her actions and doing what she thinks is right.

How does your family handle the who's who issues?

[fivepickles]

We adopted a family members child. At first, she requested us not tell anyone where we were getting the baby since she kept her pregnancy a secret. She was afraid of what others would say. We didnt discuss much w/ anyone because of that. We felt like we were honoring her request to keep it as confidential as possible. She needed to deal w/ it w/o the complications of others feelings. Honoring her requests built a deep trust and a respect for me and my husband.
After the birth, w/ her permission, we told my mom the basics the day we brought her home from the hospital--she was a month old. It was hairy at first as more family members found out and they were all eager to give their two cents worth but ultimately they knew it was her decision and not anyone elses. That is one thing important to remember: that all decisions are ultimately between you and your husband and her. She received counselling and it wasnt til after then, that she gave us permission to discuss the adoption freely with other relatives.
As far as the who's who issue, we just made it clear to everyone that she was OUR daughter and my mothers grandchild, etc, etc. That know one has the right to discuss her parentage or birth situation w/ her or around our other children other than my husband and I and that would be the time of our choosing. We were the "heavy" w/ some relatives so that bmom didnt have to be.
Basically if I had any advice, it would be to set the rules and be very clear from the beginning. It will be better in the long run all the way around. Wise relatives will eventually realize you have the child's best interest at heart. Our daughter is barely a year and for the most part the details of her adoption regarding our family's responses have completely died down.

[htcoolchick]

Just wondering how some of these situations are going with family adoptions?

My sister-in-law is pregnant and is practically begging us to take the baby, however, she won't look into letting anyone else adopt the baby. I'm really scared that this is a mistake waiting to happen.

I think the only way these kind of adoptions can work are with some very specific boundaries and already we are having boundary issues.

I've been reading lots on the forum and I found one where bmom's were talking about these "terrible moms" that set ground rules when they can see the child and when not. I don't want to destroy the relationship with my sister-in-law but I'm afraid this won't work without boundaries and to some people, people with boundaries are the heavy.

[Katies_mom]

Hi,

Well, it is now September and Sara Elizabeth was born via c-section breach on June 9, 2003 at 5:40 pm. She was 6 lbs 10 once, and 20 1/2 inches. Due to the b-mom smoking the entire pregnancy, she was under weight and had problems breathing. She was on oxygen for several hours and even though I was there when she was born, I didn't get to hold her until the next morning. The hospital allowed me to stay with her, in our own room. It was wonderful. DH brought our other daughter to visit and we were able to introduce Sara to Katie.

After 48 hours, we brought Sara home. One week later, I received a horrible accusing email from b-mom basically saying she had contacted a lawyer, and that we had coerced her into signing papers to give us her daughter and she would be contacting authorities unless we gave her her daughter back. After hours on the phone with our attorney, we decided it was just postponing the enevitable keeping Sara and fighting, so we took her back to Louisville and she is there today. My mom saw my cousin, the b-mom and said she looked horrible, she isn't eating and isn't sleeping. I told my cousin when we took Sara back, that she wasn't sleeping at night and was fussy, I guess fussy has turned into colic.

DH and I have discussed what happens if we are asked to take Sara back, and decided we would not unless cousin could/would sign her rights away right then and there and be done with it. But that hasn't happened, and now I am pregnant, with the help of Clomid and a very caring OB, so now we aren't in the position to take her back.

What hurt me the most is that cousin and I were like sisters....and she came to me asking me to adopt her baby. I am not sure how much was her, and how much was her mom. Her mom was against the whole thing, and kept trying to talk her out of it. But her mom isn't there to help her, she is to busy with her own life....

Sorry for rambling, I guess I really needed to get all that out.

My cousin is young, early 20's, hasn't finished school, and hasn't gotten a hold of her life yet.....I don't doubt she loves that baby, but I think of the life we could have given her, a mom and dad, a sister and stable home.....versus a single parent home raised by babysitters and daycare....



It hit my DH really hard, he really bonded with Sara, with our first, he was to scared of her to be of much help, but with Sara, he was in charge of midnight feedings and diapers..

I guess the moral of our story is, make sure your b-mom gets counseling.....and has the strength and support of those around her......Sherry didn't.

[MomofKaden]

Oh I am SO sorry...I am so saddened reading your email. What a potentially beautiful situation turned horrible. I am so sorry for your loss. So sad that everyone didn't remain focused on what was best for the baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Obviously, God has a different plan in mind, but I truly empathize with the loss of getting that precious little girl home and having to give her back. What a nightmare. I pray that the cloud of grief from that situation will pass as you prepare for the joy of your biological child. God bless your willing and loving hearts.

[MomofKaden]

I would encourage you and your aunt to talk this through with a lot of detail before the baby is born. Are you in counseling now? If not, I encourage you to do so. It sounds like a potentially great situation, but it also sounds like it could be very sensitive. Understand that no matter how close to your aunt you are, there are going to have to be very clear boundaries of who the parents are and what your relationship with them and this child will be. Hopefully, you will all agree and this will work out great! Best of luck to you.

[savoy6]

I'm so glad to read posts from other relative adoptions. I am so sorry that the adoption didn't go thru for you. I wake up in the middle of the night with that very fear. It is always strange to talk to our sister in law about the adoption. She is very adamant that she wants to do this but she doesn't want counseling, doesn't want to see or hold the baby once it is born and doesn't want contact for at least a year. I know it is her decision and that she may change her mind after the birth. I love her and want to support her in any decision but at the same time we have already begun to think of this child as our own and are eagerly expecting him. She lives on the other side of the country so we won't have frequent family contact with her or the father. I have so many mixed emotions. I am sorry that she is not in a place in her life where she feels she can keep him. She is a good mom to the son she already has. Does any one else feel like they are torn between feelings of guilt but also excitement? I feel like I don't have anyone close to me that I can talk to about my feelings. Everyone thinks its just great that we are getting this baby. I feel like everyone might be romanticizing this like a tv movie instead of the reality of it. Thanks for letting me vent.

[savoy6]

I am savoy6 not luvvydunkins. I am not sure why my info would be under luvvydunkins. In my first reply I was responding to katie_moms post about adopting her relative's baby. Hope that clears it up.

[amom4life]

Savoy6,
My sincere apologies. Thank you for responding.
Judy