[musicmama]

Ok, I need to vent...birthmoms, PLEASE don't get offended...I in NO WAY am placing all birthmoms in a single category...I truly appreciate the tremendous sacrifices you have made for your babies, and I would never want to minimize the pain I know you all feel at not being able to parent them. I am just so angry right now...

I have spent the last three hours on the phone--first with our adoption facilitator, then our attorney, then calling every Godly friend I know to pray. Our adoption may fall through this week. The facilitator got a letter today from the bmom, demanding more money, or she will find another set of parents for her baby. If you remember, the mother is in jail, so she doesn't have ANY pregnancy related expenses. Period. Because we feel like it is the "right" thing to do, we have been sending her $20/week for snacks, stamps, paper, while she has been in jail the last three weeks. While she was at the residential facility (about 5 weeks total), we spent nearly $1,000 on snacks, clothing, stamps, cigarettes,etc. She spent over $200 more on eating out (even though she got three free squares a day), more cigarettes, and more stamps. Now, she says if we don't fork over $400 immediately, she will back out of her agreement. This is the breakdown of what she wants...$40/wk *upfront* for the next 5 weeks for snacks and stamps, and then $200 to reimburse her for what she spent at the residential facility (her own money that was over and above all the *other* money we gave her). She wants the $200 reimbursement immediately so she can send it to the bfather's prison account so they can correspond...apparently he doesn't have anyone meeting HIS needs like she does. In the last 3 months we have spent nearly $1,000 , and only about half was directly pregnancy related (only $15 for dr's visits, and about $450 for clothes). I don't even know what the judge will say about what we have ALREADY spent...he may tell her she has to reimburse us for most of it...

Now for the kicker...our facilitator is going along with it! She asked if we knew how much most adoptions cost today...and mentioned $4,000-$8,000 as a starting point. Ok, I can buy that...but most of that money doesn't go to the birthmom, it goes to agency fees, facilitator fees, legal fees, or medical expenses. We went into this adoption being very upfront about what we could give her in terms of support, and she agreed to it from the get-go. Now, at the eleventh hour, if we don't "pony up", and give in to the blackmail, we won't get the baby. Our attorney is going to call the facilitator tomorrow morning at 10:30 CT, to try to talk some sense into her. One more thing...the facilitator is a Christian, as is our attorney...Neither one of them is accepting a fee for their services. When I called our attorney in tears, he said, "If we give her $400 tomorrow, what is to stop her from demanding $500 more NEXT week? We can't *make* her sign anything requiring her to give you her baby in exchange for the money...She could decide at the hospital to call 10 other families, and auction her baby off to the highest bidder." NOOOO!!! I will not buy a baby! I absolutely refuse! I will live up to the agreement for her support that we had from the beginning, but I will not be manipulated into giving her more and more and more at the last minute. I could never have an ounce of joy parenting a baby that I "purchased" as the highest bidder. It just isn't right!

I KNOW that God has a plan for this baby!!! I know that it isn't God's will for us to "purchase" this baby. I know that He is sovereign, and that if He wants us to have this baby, nothing and no one is going to stop it from happening. But, I also know, if He doesn't want us to have this baby, nothing I could do in my flesh will make it happen.

If any of you have any "sage" words of wisdom, I would love to hear it. And if I am totally off base, don't be shy about sharing your opinionwith me, either...

Patrice

[abigail]

Musicmamma,
WE WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU. I DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE FEELING RIGHT NOW. THE ELEVENTH HOUR DEMANDS AND ALL. I PRAY THAT YOUR ATTORNEY CAN STRAIGHTEN THING OUT FOR YOU. YOU KNOW THAT IT IS GOD WHO CHANGES THE KINGS HEARTS. SO HE CAN CHANGE THIS SITUATION FOR YOUR GOOD THAT HIS WILL CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with what your attorney said that she could take the money from you and still "auction" the baby to the highest bidder. If your attorney can not work through this I would take a step back, pray, and consult your pastor on if this is the right situation for you. Have you spoke with the birthmom and restated her initial reasons for placement and asked her why she is now changing her "tune" I hope you can work all of this out, please let us know what happens.

[vicrose]

This is a horrible thing for you to have to go through. Step back and take a breather....and think about what's best for you..this woman obviously doesn't care who this baby goes to..she is in jail trying to get as much as she can from you..and I really don't think she is going to stop at 400. I know you've spent a lot of money on her already....but in all honesty she doesn't seem like a trustworthy person. I am a Christian myself, and I believe that sometimes we have to cut our losses with people. You also said that now she wants to have correspndence with the birthfather and send him money, who's to say that he won't want more moneyfrom you too. I'm only trying to be honest with you, because I am an adoptee and my adopted parents said that my birthmother was very gracious with my adoption-she hated to give me up, but she knew it was best for me. Most birthparents only want the best for they're unborn child, but from what you have told us, this birthmother just doesn't fit this profile-she's in jail for crying out loud,what could her expenses be!!!!!! I don't know,I really will be praying for you, but maybe you should take your attorney's advice. Oh also, you said the facilitator was also a Christian, some people say that they are Christians, but only to make you feel more comfortable, because Christians act Christ -like, and this facilitator definitely is not acting Christ like-actions speak louder than words. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh, but I can't stand when people say that they are Christians, when they're actions are far from it. I wish you all the best, and I will be praying that this baby comes home to you, but even if not, God has a plan for plan for you, so leave your worries in his hands, and he will take care of you and this baby.

[shirleyville]

I just wanted to say that I will be praying for you. I am an adoptee, and the idea of people holding babies "hostage" for money makes me cringe.
It also worries me to think that your birthmother is smoking that many cigarettes in jail!!! I will add prayers for the health of your child and his/her birthmother to my list!
This may not be of any help to you at all, but my best friend and her husband were involved in the adoption process a little over three years ago, and a birthmother that they were working with started doing some things they weren't in agreement with.....they prayed about it, and eventually, turned down the option to adopt that particular child. It very nearly killed my friend to do it, emotionally speaking, because they are older parents, and the choices for them were not as abundant as for those who were in their 20's and 30's. They feared this was their one and only chance.....but it just didn't feel right to them.
Two months later, they were chosen by another birthmother, who turned out to be phenominal....and today, they are the parents of the most beautiful little girl in the world. She is happy, healthy, and amazingly, a carbon-copy of my friend....blonde hair, blue eyes and a joy to every soul who is lucky enough to be involved in her life.
I am not suggesting that this particular adoption is not right for you and your family -- I am just saying that after prayerful consideration, if things don't feel right to you, don't feel that this is your one and only chance. You never know what God has in mind, and He may be trying to guide you in a different direction by placing red flags in your mind.
Open your hearts and your minds -- listen carefully, and you will know what is right!
Hugs,
Sally

[Marfrey]

From what I've beeen reading of your various posts, this birthmother has been problematic in her behavior... this is just her latest "stunt". It's easy for others to tell you what you should do because they are unemotional 4th parties not directly involved... while you have definitely made an emotional investment. In the adoption process, we hire an attorney for a reason - primarily to be the handler of the legal issues but also to be quite the unbiased voice of reason. I agree with your attorney 10,000% and agree with you about God's will. If I were in your situation (which I'm not so take this for what it's worth), I would refuse to be blackmailed and then pray for all I'm worth. I wouldn't pray that she would let us parent her child and I wouldn't pray that she'd "come around"... I would pray that the Lord help me to accept/handle/deal-with the outcome of the situation. If He has it in his plan for you to parent the child, you will. If He has it in his plan that you are not the adoptive parents of the child, you won't be. But either way you will need the strength to accept/handle/deal-with it. I don't envy your situation but I do encourage you to 1) stand firm and not allow this person to blackmail you and 2) pray for all your worth for God's loving embrace as you proceed thru the next couple of months.
Please keep us posted and best of luck to you.

[jenna202]

I think Marfrey is SO SO right. This woman is in jail for a reason - she's a criminal! And all she is doing now is acting like one. It shouldn't be a surprise to you at this point, as painful as it is.

Giving in to the blackmail will only tell her that she can push you around and hold her baby hostage in the process. She needs to know that you are willing to stick to your original arrangement, and that part of that arrangement is providing a loving home for her child. If she is not interested in that, and is more interested in money, then that is her own selfish decision - just as her decision to smoke during pregnancy is selfish.

If this woman backs out, consider yourself lucky that you will not have to deal with the fall-out of her horrendous behavior. If she does choose to have you adopt her child, then God bless you all, and may He spare that innocent little baby from the bad decisions his mother has made.

[cdawson]

IF IT WERE ME! I'd tell her to go right ahead and do what ever she feels she needs to.

That's just me .

[musicmama]

Thank you for your support...I am sooo tired today, we were up til about 2 am talking and praying about what to do...We are in total agreement that we will not be swayed by M's demands. I emailed our attorney with our thoughts, hopefully he will have time to look them over before his chat with the facilitator. Now, I have to clear one thing up...our facilitator isn't with an agency of any sort. She is doing this as a "ministry" to birthmoms and adoptive parents, and she doesn't receive a dime from either party. (I'm not sure facilitation is even legal in our state, but because she's not doing this in a professional capacity, or receiving any fee in exchange for her services, it doesn't matter.) But, she has assured us from the beginning that she believes we were all brought together by the Lord, and that she believes it is His will for us to be this baby's parents. I am not mad at M for her attitude--she isn't a Christian, doesn't CLAIM to be a Christian, and she probably doesn't know any other way to survive in this world except to scramble for every dime she can. BUT--our facilitator IS a Christian--how in the world can she think this is the right thing to do? The law is very clear on what they will and will not allow the aparents to do for the bmoms, and we are WAY outside the spirit, if not the letter, of the law here. Is this what God would want?

I have alerted all my "prayer warrior" friends to pray today. But, if this falls through, we are at peace with it. I have had one friend tell me "you should pay the money, no questions or hesitation--how could you think of giving this baby up for the miniscule amount of $400? You are giving this baby a chance at Life. If you "give in" over a few measy dollars, what will happen to this baby? Reality check...adoption IS about money!" Well, I don't believe that! Adoption is about providing a stable, loving home for a child who otherwise wouldn't have one. With only a couple of exceptions, all of the bmoms I have "met" online only want what is best for their BABY, and do not cling to a selfish attitude of "I'm pregnant...gimme, gimme, gimme, or I won't give you my baby." I really respect this friend, but I just can't do it. It flys in the face of all I believe!! How could I hold my head up, knowing I was party to extortion and blackmail? Would I come to resent this baby later on, for *making* me feel "dirty"? No...I just can't do it, no matter what happens. And, ultimately, I have to believe that God has this baby in the palm of His hands, and whether or not we pay this money will not be the deciding factor in her eternal fate. If $400 will stop this adoption, then we weren't the right parents for this baby in the first place. It can't be about money, at least not for us.

Well, our attorney should be talking to our facilitator right about now... I have been praying that her spiritual eyes will be opened to what is going on here. I have complete confidence in our attorney, he is such a wonderful and Godly man. And when he says he will be praying, I KNOW he will be praying.

I have been trying to find that verse about 'standing firm, and when you are done, to stand', but my Bible doesn't have a exhaustive concordance, and I can't find it. But that is the verse the Lord has given me today...to stand firm. And rest in Him.

Patrice

[Rainbow mom]

I would be worried sick by what this person can do to your hopes and dreams. The Lord will place this child where it belongs, unfortunately it could be with someone other than you. If I where in your shoes I would pass on the message to the birthmom that the buck stops here. That you would love and raise her child in a blessed and loving home, but that you will not be blackmailed. Stand strong, the Lord would not want his child to be victimized (I will lead you by still waters). Remember this birthmom is of the world.

Prisoners use stamps and cigarrettes as cash. She may be buying drug's or alcohol (prisoners make alcohol with their fruit cups and sugar) with that "cash". Which would have a worse effect on the child she is carrying. Is the warden aware of her shinanigans?

I will pray that the Lord guides you to the child who was meant to be yours. It may not be the child you are currently seeking. Have faith that the Lord will bring to you the child you where meant to have. Have patience that he will do it in his time.

[debsdone]

musicmama, I agree with you that you shouldn't be extorted. I was thinking about this. I have noticed that people's behaviors are so influenced by their peers. This woman is in prison, right? Well gosh, I can just hear what she is probably being told! All about how she is doing such a great thing for you and she should be getting this and that because they once knew someone who was totally taken care of and blah blah. Maybe if someone takes her aside and speaks to her rationally, she could see reason! I don't know. but you are right, she will keep wanting more and you still have no guarentees. Good luck to you, I hope it works out! Love, Debi

[Linny]

Musicmama:

You've had my eyes, my'ears' and my empathies. I second each response here. I could not be as 'sympathetic' with this birthmother as you have; but I want you to know that I will keep you in prayer.

As someone already pointed out, I wouldn't (and have found myself in this very same situation) pray necessarily that this babe will be in your arms........but if not in yours.......then someone else who genuinely cares about him/her. Certainly, I do not believe birthmom cares much.

Keep your chin up and your thoughts straight to the Lord. He knows all and will deal with it in His will.


Most Sincerely,


Linny

[debsdone]

It seems funny, shoptree, that you speak of judging. I have read the 2 things you have posted, and you are telling people what they are doing wrong in both. So, if you do it it isn't judging? Just wondered......Debi

Are you married? Last time I checked premarital sex was a BIG NO-NO? I will speak for everyone here when I say no one is judging the birthmom. The birthmom is probably doing what she feels she needs to to survive. We don't have to agree with what she is doing. We also came here to give some support, becuase learning that a child that you thought was going to be in your arms and now there is a big bump in the road is very upsetting.

[musicmama]

Happy New Year Everyone!

My house is very quiet right now, even at 9 am...we were all up until close to 2 am, and everyone else is snoozing.

I had a chance yesterday to talk to our attorney after he called our facilitator. He advised us to go ahead and increase M's weekly support to $40, but not to give it to her all at once. He agreed that we would never see a dime back from her if she has her baby early, and she has proven time and time again that we can't trust her. He also said that we should not pay the other $200 she wanted for her pile of receipts from the residential facility. These included receipts for cigarettes, stamps, eating out at McDonalds and Burger King, prescriptions, and TONS of snacks. We will sit down with her AFTER the adoption is filed and go through them one by one and decide what expenses we will reimburse her for. If we can't come to an agreement with her about them, then we will ask the judge overseeing the adoption to decide.

If M can't agree with us on our proposal, we told the facilitator that she was welcome to find another family. We will not be a party to extortion, blackmail, or coersion. I will not knowinly participate in something that I know to be illegal. And what she is proposing is illegal--she is selling her baby to the highest bidder. (I am not mad at M--I know this is all she knows. She is only doing what she can to survive, but that doesn't mean we have to go along with it.)

When I talked to our facilitator, she mentioned that M could (and already has to her) claim that she felt like she was being taken advantage of, and the adoption would be in jeopardy. And that if it came down to a decision in court, and they asked her about it, that she would testify that M did *indeed* feel taken advantage of. (Thinly veiled threat, don't you think?) WHAT? The spirit of the law here is to protect the birthmothers against feeling *compelled* or coerced into placing their babies for monetary gain, right? In other words, the lawmakers drew up this adoption law to keep wealthy adoptive parents-to-be from inticing birthmothers with promises of gifts of cash, cars, education, etc. if they would just give their baby to them. It has nothing to do with the birthmother thinking the adoptive parents aren't giving her ENOUGH! Or am I reading it wrong? As far as our state goes, they have very strict guidelines dictating what the adoptive parents can and can not do for the birthmom, and I truly believe cigarettes, stamps, and eating out when she is already being provided three square meals a day are totally outside the scope of these guidelines. When I was attending college and paying for room and board on campus, if I chose to not eat at the college's cafeteria and go somewhere else to eat, I didn't expect someone else to subsidize my choice. I paid for it out of my own pocket. (And I didn't get reimbursed from the college for the uneaten meal at the cafeteria, either.) I think it is unreasonable for M to demand that we pay for her choices. We were already giving her a weekly allowance, and if she chose to spend it on eating out, then that was her choice.

Anyway, we let our facilitator know that we would work out a compromise with M on her weekly support, but we were "drawing a line in the sand" about the reimbursement. If she chooses to back out of her agreement, then so be it. We just *will not* be a party to something that is morally, ethically, and spiritually wrong.

Our facilitator will meet with M on Friday to discuss our proposal with her, so we won't know anything further until then. The Lord has given us a "peace that passes understanding"...we know that whatever happens is His will, and we are totally at peace with that. We are ok.

Patrice