[musicmama]

I am new to this forum, so I 'd better give you a bit of background. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have been blessed with six beautiful biological children who are the light of our lives. We homeschool our oldest 5 children--13yob, 11yob, 10yog, 8yog, 6yog. I have had numerous health problems since the birth of our 4yob, so 3 yrs ago we made the agonizing decision to not have any more. Then, about six months ago, after attending a Fernando Ortega concert and our state homeschool convention, the Lord placed a burden on our hearts to adopt an unwanted child. Since I have a Korean sister who was adopted in the mid-70's, we initially looked into international adoption. After much internet research, we found out that we couldn't go that route, for several reasons (our ages, # of children already in the home, enormous fees, travel requirements, etc.) We then started inquiring about private adoption here in the states. We found a birthmother in June, but she eventually decided to keep her baby, who was born in late August. This was a very difficult time for us emotionally--we felt like we had *lost* a baby, and we were heartbroken. Just days before he was born, we found another birthmother, and sent her a letter of introduction...two weeks ago we found out that she has chosen our family to adopt her baby, who is due January 30, '03!!

Our decision to adopt has not been received well with our families, which has been difficult for me, but we are absolutely sure this is what we are supposed to do. One response we received was "Don't you think you have *enough*?" Well, that's not really the point...God has given us a heart for unwanted babies, and we believe that by adopting one of these precious lambs, we can make a real difference in his life, as well as his birthmother's.

Our birthmother is in very difficult circumstances right now, and the adoption seems to be very elusive, like she may change her mind at any point if we don't do everything just like she wants. She is in jail right now, but will be released to a half-way house in the next two weeks or so. She has asked us to pay for a new engine for her truck, and back cell phone, pager, hotel, and ulility bills she incurred at the very beginning of her pregnancy (she has been in jail since she was 4 weeks along). She also wants us to pay for her criminal legal fees, which we have been told won't be allowed by the judge who will oversee the adoption. These bills amount to $4,000!!! Although we may eventually have to pay some of these bills, we don't feel comfortable paying for them, because she is a prostitute, and these bills were most likely incurred as a result of her "profession". Our adoption facilitator is supposed to go visit her at the jail this week to discuss her "real" needs, and let her know what expenses we will pay for. She may very well back out of her agreement to give us her baby, but we feel like she is trying to blackmail us, using her baby as bait--"Give me this money, or I won't give you my baby." Our emotions have been very roller-coaster the last few months, which I guess is very typical. We are excited about our new baby, yet we are afraid to get too emotionally involved in case she changes her mind.

If any of you have any Godly advice for us, we'd love to hear from you. I will try to keep you informed about our adoption progress. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

In Christ,

Patrice

"Rescue those who are being led away to death;
hold back those who are staggering towards slaughter.
If you say, 'But we knew nothing about this,'
does not He who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not He who guards your life know it?
Will He not repay each person according to what he has done?"
Proverbs 24:11-12

[organicmommy]

Well first off I wish you lots of luck in the situation that you are in. I feel badly for that child if she is using him/her as a way to blackmail someone into paying for her history. That is something that she has to live with. Most states have laws on what you are allowed to pay for the birthmother and she will have to abide by them. Most if not all of those requests will not be honored unless you do them privatly. What you will have to pay most likely is for any fees she has incurred during her pregnancy because of her pregnancy. Some will allow a certain amount of the housing to be paid by the prospective parents, but I myself would be very careful in what you will and will not pay.
Good luck

[evansmum]

Wow. I can't imagine that your family would not want you to give to an otherwise unwanted child, what you are obviously providing so well for your biological children.

I was adopted into a rather large family (4 boys) as the baby girl. I cannot even fathom where I would be in my life had my aparents listened to family worries. They were older (my youngest brother is 7 years older than me, the oldest is 13 years older) parents, and *finally* out of the "baby stage". But they toughed it out with me, and boy did I make it tough for them. I was not what you would call the *model* adoptive child. I was awful !!! Well........ I suppose I was a typical teenager though.

Also, my husband and I are foster parents, and we had the opportunity to adopt a FAS baby during the summer. Unfortunately, she was adopted by another couple (we are through Children's Aid). Afterwards, we learned from family members that they were less than happy about the intended adoption, although our *problem* was that our family thought that we were too *young* to commit ourselves to raise a FAS child.

Like you, we believe that this is what God intends for us to do with our lives. Right now, we have a 3 1/2 year old son at home. Our eldest son passed away in March, 2001, at 5 years old ( go to http://www.beliefnet.com/milestones/...stoneID=89 13). It was (and always will be) a difficult part of our life, but we owe it to him to continue raising his brother, and give our gift of family to others.

Well, after my rambling, my point is.......................go for what you believe is the right thing for you and your family, and boo with what everyone else thinks is best for you. Who else knows you and you family better than you and God? If this is His plan for you, He will find a way for it to happen...........

Good luck and God bless....

Meghan

[janeliz]

Wow! You and your decision are certainly being tested. It sounds as if we are similar in our Christian faith, so I'm going to say a few things I wish I had known before we adopted.

First of all, go with your gut. You've matched with a prostitute with a lot of "history" in her past. As Christians, you can pray for this baby and the generational sin that comes from every baby's ancestors.

Secondly, I'm in no place to advise you financially, but I think that what you give her monetarily will not affect the outcome. If she's going to back out, she'll back out either way. She doesn't sound like a people pleaser who would feel obligated to you if you forked out all the cash she is asking for. I think you need to draw a line somewhere (pray about it!), like the previous post mentioned with the pregnancy/hospital expenses.

Finally, I really wish I had known more about what the adopted baby experiences when separated at birth from the birthmother. I am only realizing now, through Christian counseling with my 5 year old, what took place in utero and in birth separation for her. There are two books that will really open your eyes:

Sherrie Eldridge - 20 Things Adopted Kids want their Adoptive Parents to Know - although this is written in a secular manner, I am pretty sure she is a Christian woman.

The Primal Wound is the other book.

Raising an adopted child is NOT the same as raising a biological child, and especially as you will have a mixed family, I really encourage you to do some research along those lines. Either of the two books above would be a great place to start.

I wish my agency had given classes on how to bond and attach to an infant rather than show us movies on how to bathe and diaper! You will have a different job here with one that you are not breastfeeding (or maybe you will try to?).

I am so excited for you, and will be praying that this baby will work out for you, God willing.

Jane

[musicmama]

Thank you all for your encouraging words...these days have been (and will be) filled with uncertainty, yet the Lord has given us so many assurances that it is His will for us to pursue this adoption. I have been so scared that this won't turn out the way we want it to, but I just need to trust that He will bring about whatever is the very best for us, the baby, and the birthmother.

Another verse that the Lord has given us is II Cor. 5:19b-20..."All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefor Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God." The Lord has given us the additional burden of praying for our birthmom's salvation, and we don't want to do anything with the adoption details that would hinder her from hearing the Lord's call on her heart. Please pray with us that her ears will be closed to the enemies lies right now, but will be open to hear the Lord's voice.

Thank you again.

In Christ,

Patrice

[Linny]

Well.......we have adopted six times and all of our children are adopted. We have children ages 22yrs to 11 months; and we too, homeschooled the first two for six years, two more for two years....and I fully intend to homeschool the baby when the 'time comes'.
Our children come from all over the globe--infant and older child adoption.

Like you, some in our family have had a hard time dealing with this. We have had one older child 'nightmarish' adoption (child is now in residential due to violent and dangerous behaviors toward himself and others). They were so afraid that we would end up with a similar situation. (And truly, this is one reason we went to private and infant adoption vs. older, waiting child adoption).

Only this most recent adoption was 'private' and through an attorney. Our state doesn't allow facilitation. But, I think I have 'done this enough' that I might be able to offer some words of advice?

First, you are very wise not to get very emotionally involved. One never knows what may happen....and truly, you still have a lot of time before this babe is born.
Secondly, it is VERY understandable that you would be excited! (I've had to pray that I wouldn't get too excited....and this was before we were even chosen! However, our most recent baby was already born.)
Next, the 'sound of the blackmailing situation' sounds 'unsettling'. I would be soooo very careful. I would also be very careful before paying ANY money to anyone (which, you probably already are....but I have read about so many couples who have been 'taken to the cleaners'.) I would trust my 'gut instincts' on much of this. I'm sure you pray continually for everyone involved.....but also try not to let your 'heart rule your head' and 'feel sorry for this birthmom' w/o knowing all the details.

And finally,.....you know this already......if the Lord wants this baby placed in your home, it WILL happen. If not.....there Is a next time and somewhere....another baby for your home.
If, sadly, this 'doesn't work out'.......take what you have learned and use it to help the next adoption and others who may need your assistance. The more we all share 'what has happened and what we now know'.....the stronger and more prepared all of us can be with our babies!

God Bless your family. We too know that adopting (even at 45!) is what the Lord wants us to do, and do again! Keep all of us posted here!

Sincerely,

Linny

[musicmama]

Well, we finally heard back from our adoption facilitator today...she visited with our birthmom today, and she has amended her financial requests...they now total around $1500, instead of the $4000 she was asking 10 days ago. (This is still way out of reach for us financially, but we feel like we are supposed to go ahead with the adoption plans, and trust the Lord to provide what we need.) Our facilitator had talked with an adoption attorney, and also called an agency to get all the legal facts before she talked with our bmom, and she said the bmom accepted everything very calmly, and didn't try to argue with her about it. She is willing to sign a trust agreement, so we will set up a face-to-face meeting with her, our facilitator, us, and our attorney sometime in the next few weeks, so we can hammer out the fine details of what will be in the agreement. We are going to send a little money to be put in her account at the co. jail, so she can buy some new maternity panties and bras. She has gained 18 lbs in the last 8 weeks, so the ones she has don't fit.

Our bmom did mention today that she guessed she just needed to pray that everything would work out...looks like the "Prayer Arrest" is working!!

Please continue to pray for her, that her heart will continue to be open to the Lord, and that she will come to know Him as her Savior.

Thanks everyone!!!

Patrice

[musicmama]

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since my last post, and a lot has been happening. We felt the Lord's leading to approach the leadership of our church to ask if they would allow us to have a silent auction at our church to help with our adoption expenses. We were given the go-ahead, so the last 10 days we have been busy soliciting donations from businesses and individuals. We now have over 30 donations, and have contacted less than half of our prospective donors! The silent auction will be held on Nov. 11, and we would appreciate your prayers for a successful (and fun!) evening.

We received word yesterday that the birthmom was released from jail this past Wed. to the half-way house. She had absolutely nothing in the way of supplies--toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, etc., and no maternity clothing, so our facilitator took her shopping yesterday to get her outfitted. The total came to under $200, as she only wanted big sweats to wear, instead of expensive maternity clothes.

I will be calling our attorney on Mon. morning to set up a face-to-fae meeting with all of us, hopefully this next Friday. I have read enough letters from birthmothers here on this forum to know that they dread the first face-to-face contact with the adoptive parents just as much as the adoptive parents do, but I'm still very apprehensive. We haven't even had a face-to face with our facilitator yet (although she sounds very sweet over the phone), or for that matter, our attorney! So you can see, there are a lot of unknowns at work here. We don't want to unintentially say or do something that will harden her heart to the Lord's work in her life. Neither of us have never been good at "witnessing", other than just witnessing by how we live our lives. But, after reading II Cor. 5:19b-20, we do believe that it is God's desire is for us to be His ambassadors to her, as if He were making His appeal through us. Please pray for the Lord's wisdom, guidance, and peace to cover this entire situation, and that His Spirit will completely enfold all of us during our meeting.

In Christ,

Patrice

[BioAdoptMom3]

I have read all of these posts on here and you have gotten a ton of excellent advice. I only have experience with adoption through foster care so I won't offer any additional advice, but I wanted you to know that I have already lifted up you, the bmom and everyone else involved in this upcoming adoption in prayer.
Please continue to keep us posted.
Nancy

[musicmama]

Yesterday was our first face-to-face meeting with Bmom "M", facilitator, and attorney.

To start off, one of the babysitters for our kids (we were sending three kids each to two different places) called early to say that her son had awakened with a fever, so we had to find sitters for the youngest three at the last minute.

Then when we got to the city, we got lost trying to find the facilitator's house. We were supposed to meet her there at 10:15, and didn't find it till 10:45, and we were to be at the correctional facility at 11, and it was half way across the city. We made it there at 11:05, and our attorney was waiting for us there. We didn't really have time for introductions (none of us had met each other yet), but just went right inside. They brought "M" up to the waiting area, and we were taken to a very small room about 8x8, cement floors, and one itty, bitty table (about 2x3) with three chairs. The found a couple more chairs for us, but it was very uncomfortable.

We had a very good chat, and got all the legal stuff hammered out. Our attorney then talked with "M" about his reasons for participating in this adoption, and our motivation to adopt, and our facilitator's motivations to minister to everyone involved. He said he knew he probably sounded like a "religious nut", but he knew we all wanted to minister to HER, and to help her understand the Lord's love for her. (And right here I and my dh just totally "lost" it, and started crying.) He told her that we were all in this because God had "called" us to this adoption, and that her baby was not a mistake, but a gift from God. What a humbling and wonderful experience that was for us. We could really feel the Lord's presence with us in that little room, and I pray "M" could feel Him as well.

Then our attorney excused himself, and we all left to go out to lunch at Long John Silver's. "M" had been craving it all the time she was incarcerated, so we let her choose. We had a great time chatting and getting acquainted.

After about an hour, our facilitator said she had to go, but that "M" was signed out until 4, so would we like to take her shopping for several things she needed. We agreed, and so we took her to Kohl's and got her some more clothes, and to a drug store for laundry supplies and other misc stuff... she wanted to get some stamps, so we went to Quik Trip for stamps, and ended up getting her three packs of cigarettes also...we weren't too happy about that, but didn't know a nice way to say no...we got her back about 3:30...

One thing that happened that I didn't quite know what do about. We were in the line at Kohl's, and "M" wanted me to feel how hard her belly was, and I asked her if the baby kicked a lot, and she said that he/she was keeping her up at night, kicking almost constantly...the lady in front of us piped up and said, "Just wait til it's born, then it will *really* keep you up at night." Of course, she had now way of knowing about the adoption, but it was a little awkward...and then when she left, she said, "Good luck with the baby." "M" didn't say anything, and I felt so bad for her...

"M" had told us at our meeting earlier that she didn't want us to worry, that she wouldn't change her mind about the adoption...she said she knew SRS would NEVER let her keep the baby, and that they would just come to the hospital and take him, and she wouldn't have any say so about where he went, or who his parents would be...relinquishing him at birth will at least give her peace, because SHE was the one to pick us, SHE is the one with the choice and control. With her two oldest that were taken by the state, *they* were the ones with all the power...she has no idea where they are, or whether they are happy, or anything, and she hates the "not knowing"... she is very content with her other baby's adoption, because she gave him to the parents she had chosen for him...

"M" is going to find a doc this next week, sign up for SRS benefits, and try to get her ISO to approve CNA classes...she said I could come with her to the dr. appt. if I want to...If I WANT to?!?! Of COURSE I want to!!!

Anyway, we dropped her off at 3:30, and then made just a couple more stops and came on home...picked all the kids up at their respective sitters, and of course we had to go through the story each time...made it home at 6:45, and we were just so "shell-shocked" from all the day's events that we decided to go the easy route, and took the kids to Micky D's for supper... after we got home, the kids wanted to go to the last home football game, so dh bundled them all up, and I stayed home to "veg out"...

I feel good...I am at peace...The Lord was with us!!

Thanks for praying everyone!

In Christ,

Patrice

[musicmama]

We got an email from the facilitator late Mon. eve that I just have to share with you...

"He ("M's" caseworker) also said that he would support her going to church on Sunday, doing her community service at a church ministry and going to some sort of training or Tech school. He brought to my attention that she would not be able to be hired as a CNA because law won't permit felons to work in that field. But maybe some kind of office work training?

He also said she could go out on a 2-3 hour pass on Thanksgiving and Christmas day. She can go to doctor appointments anytime.
Mr. Thompson and I will touch base regularly. We got along really well and he is interested in seeing how this is going to work. He has never seen an inmate have anyone so interested in their well being. That's sad. I think he wants to watch what happens just to see if we are serious or as nutty as some of the inmates!!! Just kidding. He is amazed, that's all.
Anyway, I'll keep you posted."

We know that we need to be extra diligent with "M", there are many other eyes upon us. Please continue to pray for her, I know the Lord is working in her heart.

Patrice