[ScrapMonkey]

Honestly, I have never been anything more painful in my life as TTC and watching everyone around me get pregnant. We had one ectopic pg on Clomid, the only time we ever conceived. We borrowed money for one -- and only one -- round of IVF which failed miserably (23 eggs retrieved, not one viable embryo). In the middle of that one round of IVF we left the fertility center and I looked at my husband and said, "If this works, great. We are adopting next time. If it does not work, I want to feel sorry for myself for a while and then we will look into adoption. I can't do this again." It failed, we were done. We'd already talked about becomg foster parents someday, so it was an easy choice for us to adopt through foster care.

I was able to go to my first baby shower without falling apart after a two and a half year old boy was placed with us for adoption. From that momet on I started to heal. Then we got a call about his baby brother who I brought home from the hospital as a newborn. More pain chipped away. We adopted those two boys and have two more foster kids.

I did not know my pain was gone -- and I do mean GONE -- until about a year ago when I wasn't feeling well in the mornings, was getting naseous when I smelled fried food and hadn't had a period in a while... it hit me like a ton of bricks that I might be pregnant. I cried, and not good tears. I honestly felt that it would have been the WORST possible thing for me to be pregnant and I sat in the bathroom and cried over how stupid it all was. The only humor I found was buying a HPT... how many dozens had I purchased over the years hoping for a positive test? And now I was PRAYING for a negative test. ETA: It was negative!

I have much clearer perspective now. Thankfully. But I have to say I have never for one moment been sad about not being pregnant. I know MANY, MANY women want that experience, I just wanted a child. As far as my kids, the only thing I regret in our journey was the bonding we may have missed during breastfeeding. Other than that, I feel complete and I think I let the pain go the day our first son came home. And I prayed and begged and bargained with God, I asked for signs and made a lot of promises He knew I could never keep... and he still not only matched me with my children, but healed the deepest, most grueling pain I've ever known. He healed it, it's gone.

[rd200]

Originally Posted by ScrapMonkey

Honestly, I have never been anything more painful in my life as TTC and watching everyone around me get pregnant. We had one ectopic pg on Clomid, the only time we ever conceived. We borrowed money for one -- and only one -- round of IVF which failed miserably (23 eggs retrieved, not one viable embryo). In the middle of that one round of IVF we left the fertility center and I looked at my husband and said, "If this works, great. We are adopting next time. If it does not work, I want to feel sorry for myself for a while and then we will look into adoption. I can't do this again." It failed, we were done. We'd already talked about becomg foster parents someday, so it was an easy choice for us to adopt through foster care.

I was able to go to my first baby shower without falling apart after a two and a half year old boy was placed with us for adoption. From that momet on I started to heal. Then we got a call about his baby brother who I brought home from the hospital as a newborn. More pain chipped away. We adopted those two boys and have two more foster kids.

I did not know my pain was gone -- and I do mean GONE -- until about a year ago when I wasn't feeling well in the mornings, was getting naseous when I smelled fried food and hadn't had a period in a while... it hit me like a ton of bricks that I might be pregnant. I cried, and not good tears. I honestly felt that it would have been the WORST possible thing for me to be pregnant and I sat in the bathroom and cried over how stupid it all was. The only humor I found was buying a HPT... how many dozens had I purchased over the years hoping for a positive test? And now I was PRAYING for a negative test. ETA: It was negative!

I have much clearer perspective now. Thankfully. But I have to say I have never for one moment been sad about not being pregnant. I know MANY, MANY women want that experience, I just wanted a child. As far as my kids, the only thing I regret in our journey was the bonding we may have missed during breastfeeding. Other than that, I feel complete and I think I let the pain go the day our first son came home. And I prayed and begged and bargained with God, I asked for signs and made a lot of promises He knew I could never keep... and he still not only matched me with my children, but healed the deepest, most grueling pain I've ever known. He healed it, it's gone.

WOW, alot of this sounds like me. My IVF failed pretty bad too. 5 eggs, 3 fertilized, they transfered all 3 and nothing!! We took out a HOL to pay for it along with $6000 from saving to pay for the meds alone. IT was our ONE shot at it and i think it almost makes it worse that we couldnt afford to do it again, nor would my levels go down low enough to even start. I just never thought at age 25 i could never have kids again.

People often say to me, you will get pregnant once you adopt, or, once you stop TTC then it will happen!!! i just want to tell them where to go. I would be horrified to find out i'm pregnant. It IS SO strange to hope for years to be pregnant and now i'm hoping i'm not and i just want a baby. I dont care how i get one, i just want one.

1 year ago today i got a phone call from my nurse informing me they that, " rachel, i dont have good news for you today" NEGATIVE pg test. that was and still is the worse day of my life. Not that i feel the need to celebrate it, but i am just having a hard time coming ot terms with still not being anywhere. I mean, yes, i have accomplished alot since then, but i still feel like another year gone by with no baby. My family isnt complete and i just keep thinking that i will have everything once god grants me my wish for another baby. Surprisingly enough, today hasnt been as bad as i had been anticipating. But, that's probably because i got in a tif with my hubby and i'm concentrating on being mad at him right now, not how disappointed and heartbroken i was at this time a year ago. It was the worse pain i had ever felt. just like my whole life had came down around me. This kinda sounds weird, but i almost WANT to be sad today. that is really self-sabatoge i realize, but i cant help it. Thanks for all the support and experiences, Rach