[Yash]

What was I doing this time a year ago? I was holding Rowan in my arms getting last minute tips from her foster mother and foster grandmother, whose house she had called home for the last four months. She was saying goodbye to her “twin,” the three-week-old baby girl who was also being fostered, along with her foster mom’s two-year-old son and three-year-old daughter. She was leaving behind an active and busy household to come to a quiet house that was only less quiet when a certain two-and-a-half-year-old boy was home from pre-school.

Two days before, I had sat through my first disclosure meeting where my adoption worker and I heard all the facts we didn’t know about the baby then called Daphne. The photocopied pictures I saw showed a happy, smiling plump baby. It all seemed a bit surreal. Yes, I had walked out of the courtroom after losing Sasha with a peace that passed all understanding. Yes, I had told my SW to put me back on the list as we walked down the courthouse corridor, but not necessarily for a newborn, maybe a baby around Sasha’s age. Yes, I had wondered why the adoption matcher hadn’t called me about a baby and staring at the phone didn’t make it ring faster. Yes, the call came a day or two after a call about another baby girl. When it rains it pours sometimes. Yes, in total I had only waited three weeks for the call and another three weeks before I was sitting in the chair in the DCF office. So how could it seem surreal? Wasn’t this the answer to my prayer? Maybe it was disbelief that it was actually happening.- - that after losing Sasha, I was finally going to get another chance at my forever daughter. To this day, I’m still not sure why it was all surreal.

The first visit went well. Daphne was a friendly baby and sat happily on my lap, even with her adoption worker, my adoption matcher, and myself, being complete strangers to her. My adoption matcher helped and asked questions I missed. Then it was time to leave with some of her clothes and food that her foster family so generously gave to me.

Leaving my house for the final time as a mother of two with only one living in my home, I thought, yeah, Daphne is just not working for me. I love Jory, but there’s a reason why two-year-olds shouldn’t name their sisters. I quickly found a piece of paper and thought of three other names to throw in my pocket to find the right name. I had had a baby name list since the ninth grade, but yet I was writing names on slips of papers as I sat in traffic. With a nod to my volleyball days, I decided the best three out of five would determine if this six-and-a-half-month-old would be Daphne, Rowan, Ava, or Zoe.

I had no idea as I walked out of the foster family’s home with Rowan in hand, what was in store for me. Sure as the CW followed me home, inspected my house, and then left, I thought she doesn’t like me and there’s something off about her. Oh, how truthful were those words. Little did I know what lay ahead of me because of those feelings.

It’s been a year of discovery about myself. Thumb sucking is almost equivalent as nails on chalkboard. That faith of a mustard seed, because sometimes my faith was small, could move mountains or CW’s intentions to take your baby. That my eyes my eyes would forever been open in a way I could never have imagined about the world of foster care That the pain, frustration, and hurt I experienced could be used to help others. That the internet and adoption groups are the greatest things in the world. People whom you will only meet on streets of gold can send an email that opens your eyes to so many things and provide much needed comfort and understanding. Friends, who weren’t or aren’t hearing the calling of adoption, right now, reminding me why Jesus wept.

I have been tremendously blessed with an eighteen-month-old who is so beautiful, smart, funny, vivacious, this list could go on and on. God in His infinite wisdom gave me more than I asked for and more than I could have ever imagined in my little Rowan.

Stop for a minute
Baby, I’m so glad you’re mine, oh yeah
And ever since the day you put my heart in motion
Baby I realize that there’s just no getting over you.

[feelingreyt]

Beautiful.

[Yash]

Thank you.