[crick]

Hoping y'all have some advice for me....

There is a woman in my life, not really a friend persay but more than an acquaintance, who when I talk to her takes every single opportunity she can to mock and disparage others. Very gossipy and just unrelenting in her judgements of others.

I know other people like this, but for whatever reason her actions bother me more than the average person because she is a self proclaimed very strong Christian with high morals and ethics. She'll tout bible passages at the drop of a hat, talk about what God wants for everyone and what codes she lives by. Yet in the same breath say something like "I sure hope xx doesn't email me today with her stupid problems" or "I know xx is a good person, but she's such a moron that I just have a hard time talking to her".

Now, none of us are perfect and I'm not saying she has to be because she is a Christian. Not saying that at all! However, I find it to be so hypocritical of her to consistently talk about what a good Christian she is and then do the things she does.

I've stopped talking to her as much because I find it toxic really to do so. I've tried to say things like "Let's not be so judgemental" etc. but no, I've not full on confronted her about how it bothers me. (that's on me..) However, I do want to talk to her about it and not sure how I'll do when she gives me bible verses as explanations or just doesn't see it.

Any ideas?

[kelceesmom]

Yikes, that's a hard one. I am not very confrontational myself and would probably lean more towards going out of my way not to come in contact with her.

But, if you choose to discuss the problem you are aware of what she will say. The only thing that comes to mind is a saying I have on my desk at work to help me thru some of the rough days:

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Maybe she needs to hear something like this.

Sorry, didn't help a darn bit did I? Good luck.

[loveajax]

Crick, I didn't know you were friends with my mom!!! (hahaha).

I have friends like this as well and I find that most times they will ***never**** admit to being judgmental/hypocritical. I think the best you can do is if she starts "badmouthing" someone, just be the better person and say, "I wish you wouldn't say that...it really bothers me to hear someone being judged, etc. like that." She may be annoyed, but she will get the message (and maybe even think a little bit??).

I don't know what I would do if someone responded with bible passages, etc. (I don't have any friends who could do that!). I do think though that you could point out that the "Golden Rule" is the most important rule of all.

Good luck!!

[dadfor2]

no advice, but i would just stay away. Christians, jewish, budists, muslim, atheists...blah blah blah

there are jerks everywhere. doesnt matter who they are praying to.

Just because they study the bible and claim they are good christiams, doesnt make them nice people. I have learned this a long long long time ago.

crick, you know as much as I do...jerks are everywhere....lol

[Oceans]

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

I like that!!

It's a toughie. Call me judgemental, but I have recently come to the conclusion that there are some people who are Christians in their head, and there are those who are Christians in their heart. Both may be equally adept at quotations but those that live the message in their heart are much more able to put the message in to context...

Now I can't quote much of the Bible (I'm Catholic LOL) but to me, the underlying principle is to help others, help themselves and leave the judgments to the God. He truely is the only One capable of such as task.

My only other suggestion would be to memorize all the verses you can so you can go point - counter point with her. I'm sure you can manage that with all the spare time on your hands after

[Lorraine123]

I tend to find that people who quote the Bible are the most hypocritical. I feel that we should show our faith by our actions, not our quotations. But thats how I feel.

I would probably work to steer clear of her. You can't change others, you can only change ytourself. I try to surround myself with people who lift me up.

[feelingreyt]

Sometimes I get the feeling that people(not everyone, but the majority of the ones I know) who constantly quote the Bible are trying to fool everyone. They want everyone to believe they are so Holy, when is fact they are just sprouting words. They have the words memorized, but the meaning tends to elude them.

Next time she says something out of the way, say something like....If you really feel that way about "Jane", pray for her instead of talking about her behind her back!

[mrsred]

Jesus Himself had to deal with people like your friend, crick. They were called pharisees and saducees, and there are still plenty of them around today.
There is really not much you can do, except to gently shut her down everytime she begins to speak negatively. A simple, "I really don't want to listen to this." is enough. By setting an example she may learn from you. But if not, it is really herself she is hurting.

[chickymum]

I know someone who is just like that. For years we have struggled to be around her. Right now some of our circle of friends are avoiding her and going so far as to blatantly leave her out of social gatherings. But when her husband calls to see if there is a get together I cannot lie and say no just because someone says they dont want her at their house anymore. (Not very Chritianlike either)
I have been trying this: Every time she puts someone down I say the opposite about that person. So if she sais "that person is annoying" I will reply with "I sure enjoy being around that person". I say it with lots of conviction. I am hoping she will start to feel silly or embarassed about how she is behaving.
Oh and trust me she also is the first one to call someone on any sin they may have committed.
I do agree that there is something more behind it. Like self esteem issues or something. As fellow christians I believe that if she is struggling with something we do need to address it so as to help her.
I have no idea if this is going to work

[crick]

All good tips...thank you!! I am normally a very up front person and don't typically shy away from speaking my mind. Not really sure why I resort to the "soft" comments with her other than I guess I don't want to hurt her feelings. She is a really nice person in a lot of ways, this is just an aspect of her that bothers me.

But y'all are right...keep speaking positive comments and limit my time too.

[qs mom]

I have more of an 'attitude' than I should have. I would probably be cocky. "There is only one judge" "I chose to live God's plan, not just quote it"

[bajj]

This won't be the popular answer, but I think the best approach is confronting her. If you tell her what it is that is bothering you, then she just might get that kick she needs to change. It is very hard to hear negatives about yourselves, but can be very positive, too.

(((crick)))

[etaag]

Just a few passages you can quote back. I am having a delima myself and confronting my best friend on how disrespectful she is to her husband. She treats him horribly, even in front of others. Their son even has no respect for his father anymore. How do we help our brothers and sisters in Christ, but yet not be judgemental at the same time?



1 John 2:9 (New Living Translation)

9 If anyone claims, “I am living in the light,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is still living in darkness.

1 John 2:11 (New Living Translation)

11 But anyone who hates another brother or sister is still living and walking in darkness. Such a person does not know the way to go, having been blinded by the darkness.

1 John 4:20 (New Living Translation)

20 If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?

[Barksum]

Also Luke 6:27-28, which gives us a list of what to do when people are hurtful or mean to us. I suppose that we could lump people whom we view as 'annoying', 'moronic', or 'irritating' as being unkind to us. The response of those who claim Christ must come into line with the directives we've been given...or the person falls into the catagories listed above by etaag. This should be pointed out gently to someone who is struggling with this kind of issue.

[lmvsmom]

I'm a little late chiming in here on this one, but if it were me, the first thing I would do is pray, pray and then pray some more. Chances are, unless the Lord convicts her heart, she won't be receptive to what you have to say. We rarely see the hypocrisy in our lives without the intervention of the Holy Spirit. So pray first, then speak the truth with love.

Best wishes!