[cornickml]

Hi All....
I'm new to this site...just found it tonight actually! and I'm hoping that someone out there may have gone through what I'm about to go through in order to give some support and guidance.

My husband and I adopted our son in May 2007. We've had him since he was 1 day old, through the foster system. We are going to be seeing his birth parents again soon and I'm experiencing all sorts of emotions. We have an open adoption...just pictures when the birth parents request it, however my husband and I thought it would be appropriate to offer my son's birth parents the opportunity to see him again...considering he is only 14 months and won't remember it. We sent a letter to them with his 12 month pics and offered them the opportunity to see him at a neutral location...McDonald's PlayPlace.

Now that it's getting close I'm very nervous about this... It's been over a year since we saw them in court. We have a good relationship with them. They have been great since the beginning...comforting us that this was what they really wanted for him and they had no second thoughts...really reassured us. However I'm just very nervous.... I guess my biggest thing is now that my son is active I'm afraid that I'm going to see a resemblance of them in him (mannerisms, expressions, etc) You see...I can't have kids therefore this child is my pride and joy and even though I know he is adopted I guess sometimes I "forget." Therefore seeing a resemblance will be hard for me. Has any one been there? I'm experiencing a lot of emotions and could use some support and guidance.

[bajj]

I have been there.

If it's any comfort, I now LOVE seeing what my son has in common with his First Mom. I also love seeing what he has in common with his older sibs.

Just take it a day at a time. Keep reading about open adoptions and remember to breath! It will be ok, she will be just as nervous as you.

I hope it goes well and please keep us posted!

[Barksum]

It's normal to be nervous, but just take a deep breath and pray about it. God has placed your Ds with you and He will give you the grace to deal with the circumstances you encounter as you parent your son.

We don't have an open adoption with three of our adopted children, and only nominally with one (a relative adoption). I do see some resemblence between our children and the birth parents we know or have pictures of. It doesn't change who my kids are, and I have to squash any negative thoughts or feelings that sometime pop into my mind about that. I tend to be a bit insecure, so for me any of the weird thoughts or feelings generally stem from that base.

Regardless of what makes you nervous or uncertain, remember to dwell on the good, pure and wholesome things. I bet the birth parents are a little nervous too, for their own reasons, so the more you have your focus in the right place (that is, on Christ) the more you will be able to be less nervous and even enjoy the time with them.

[mom2samuel]

We adopted our son at birth in Dec. 2007. We've talked several times to his birthmom and exchanged pictures. However, we did not get together again until this Dec (when ds turned 1). I really looked forward to the visit, and it went awesome. I kind of worry that maybe she was disappointed, though. Our son had been sick and was pretty clingy. She handled it well, but I did feel bad for her.

I can't wait to see what characteristics, etc, ds gets from his birthmom and older siblings. I know in the long run that this relationship will be the best for him...as well as us.... Just breath...try not to expect too much, or too little. Things will go as God means them to.

Goodluck,
Michelle

[ourdreamcametru]

We see our daughter's birthmother on a pretty regular basis, we have no contact with birthfather. Our daughter was born in May 04 and is 1/2 Filipino on her birthfather's side. Her birthmother is very fair complected with red hair. To be quite honest, it hurts me when we are around bmother because our daughter has nothing in common with her as far as looks, mannerisms or anything. I know this hurt "E". I don't think it would/should bother you if he has things in common with his bparents, I think it will help him later in life to know who he got this or that from--something I believe many adpotees struggle with. On the other hand I totally understand your feelings.

[cornickml]

Thanks for all the support...I REALLY appreciate it. Just really looking forward to getting it over with...and praying a lot! I'll keep ya'll posted.

[Lilly's Mommy]

I know that, at least for me, having an OA has forced me to deal with a lot of my insecurities as an amom. It sounds like this impending visit may be triggering some similar feelings in you... dealing with the fact that while you're the only mom parenting your child, you're not the only mother he has... that someone else gave him his looks or certain mannerisms. For me, and possibly for you, having to confront the facts (that things are different than having a bio child would be), and getting feedback from others on this site who have BTDT was the best way to deal with my emotions/fears/insecurities.

I wish you all the best.

[feelingreyt]

It is very normal to feel nervous when meeting with the first parents. Even in a relative adoption I still feel nervous sometimes. Unplanned meetings are the hardest. Like running into them at Wal-Mart, lol. Don't ask me why, maybe it's just me, but that always makes me feel kinda nervous, lol!

My only advice is to be yourself. Don't feel like you have to say all the right things. Don't worry about them analizing your every move with your son. And remember, most likely they are even more nervous than you are.

Good luck and God Bless!

[startedover]

Same situation with us. Birth Parents had not seen the baby since birth. At Christmas they came to "meet" her. I spent days scared, excited, nervous, happy, but as I live and breath I feel that was one of the best days of this year. My daughter is very social and reached for birth mom, who asked my permission. When the baby reached for me, the birth mom said "you ready to go back to mommy". Maybe that was her giving me my right of passage so to speak. Her way of letting me know she sees me as mom, or maybe it was simply a good feeling she had to know she had done a wonderful thing for her baby and her babies adoptive family. Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

[cornickml]

I really appreciate all the support and guidance that everyone gave however I was nervous for no reason....my son's birth parents never showed! We waited a half hour and they didn't show up. Lots of emotions that's for sure! Disappointment, sadness, angry, as well as relief, etc. My son is only 14 months old so we thought it would be a safe time for them to see him again as he won't remember it when he gets older. We were doing such a good thing for them but they didn't show. I just feel bad for my son....telling him his story when he gets older.

[feelingreyt]

I'm sorry they never showed up. Atleast he is young enough not to realize what happened. Thats very sad.

A polite phone call letting you know not to bother going would have been nice........

[vernellinnj]

In response to your question, "has anyone been there". Kinda....I met my fc's (prayerfully adoptive child soon) bios only once and it was very uncomfortable. The circumstances, FP meeting bio, were awkward. When I'm blessed to adopt, I would like to have some sort of OA but I don't see meetings on a frequent basis. My situation is different because my FS knows his bios. He's a young toddler so not sure if he would forget if the relationship isn't maintained by me.

however my husband and I thought it would be appropriate to offer my son's birth parents the opportunity to see him again...considering he is only 14 months and won't remember it.

May I ask why you wouldn't want your son to remember meeting his birth parents? If you'd rather not say, I respect that completely.


Blessings to you and your family.

[davet]

We Have two adopted boy, One closed and one open. I did not know what to expect with the adoption at first but have developed a great relationship with his birthmother, We even were on a news program together to talk about open adoption. Both boys have stayed with her and her girls at a hotel when she was visiting, You do here bad stories, but there are allot of great stories and relationships that can come out of it and you child will always have the benefit of knowing more people who love them

[cornickml]

In reference to your question about why I'd don't want my son to remember his birth parents...I guess it goes back to a comment from "Lilly's Mom" above that it addresses my insecurities as a mom. I can't have biological child as I had cancer as a teen. I still struggle every day with my infertility even after going through treatments, pursuing foster adoption and now adopting. My son was only a day old when he came home therefore he's always been mine and I guess just like any biological parent...I don't want to share the parenting role with anyone else or have him think of someone else as his mother...until of course he's ready to know. We do now tell him he's adopted, read children's adoption stories, etc. but obviously he has no idea because of his age. I just think for him to remember would be too difficult. I want him to make the choice of knowing who they are when he is ready, not me forcing it on him. They also live a very different lifestyle from us so that plays a factor as well. I may be completely wrong in my feelings, but that's just where God has me right now in my growth and acceptance.

[simplyblessed]

Originally Posted by cornickml

Hi All....
I'm new to this site...just found it tonight actually! and I'm hoping that someone out there may have gone through what I'm about to go through in order to give some support and guidance.

My husband and I adopted our son in May 2007. We've had him since he was 1 day old, through the foster system. We are going to be seeing his birth parents again soon and I'm experiencing all sorts of emotions. We have an open adoption...just pictures when the birth parents request it, however my husband and I thought it would be appropriate to offer my son's birth parents the opportunity to see him again...considering he is only 14 months and won't remember it. We sent a letter to them with his 12 month pics and offered them the opportunity to see him at a neutral location...McDonald's PlayPlace.

Now that it's getting close I'm very nervous about this... It's been over a year since we saw them in court. We have a good relationship with them. They have been great since the beginning...comforting us that this was what they really wanted for him and they had no second thoughts...really reassured us. However I'm just very nervous.... I guess my biggest thing is now that my son is active I'm afraid that I'm going to see a resemblance of them in him (mannerisms, expressions, etc) You see...I can't have kids therefore this child is my pride and joy and even though I know he is adopted I guess sometimes I "forget." Therefore seeing a resemblance will be hard for me. Has any one been there? I'm experiencing a lot of emotions and could use some support and guidance.

I so know what you are going through. Don't be afraid. It will be good for everyone. But your main priority is your son. Take a lot of pictures and if he ever wants to know anything about them you can show him how much you loved him and his bp's that you held this meeting. You are his mommy and nothing will ever change that. God had planned this long before he was even born. Good Luck. Sonja