[bajj]

The cross guard at ds school is always telling me I have an "extra diamond" in my crown in Heaven. She says this just because I adopted.

I thought about telling her I actually lost a crown for adopting because I did it for purely selfish reasons...I wanted to be a parent! however, I dno't think my kids would see the humor in that.

Any ideas on how to handle that?

[LibbyHawkins]

Gracefully and with a smile . . .?

[TxMom65]

Does she say that in front of them?

[bajj]

In front of the 3 year old, yes, the 6 yr old, no.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

How about something like

No, God blessed me with my two diamonds right here on earth.

[maricela]

I was on the phone talking to the parent of my 12 y/o's friend. We were talking about our kids & I mentioned how active my 4 y/o was. She asked if she moved around alot in my womb. I told her that no, because she was adopted. She then thanked me for adopting...I didn't know how to reply...I told her that I did not need to be thanked. I didn't adopt to get acknowledged...we adopted because we wanted to be parents.

She told me that her mother had been adopted and had never met anyone else who had been adopted and was very excited because she and her husband, who have 3 boys, want to adopt a girl...anyhow...her comment was stange to me but if it opened up the door for her to inquire into adoption, then it's OK I guess.

I think some people mean well but don't know the "PC" words to use. And if you think about it, how would someone not in "our world" know? I don't mind educating well meaning people.

[Barksum]

We get the 'you are SAINTS' comments, too. I don't know how to gracefully redirect the comments, particularly older people whom it would be rude to correct. What I've concluded is that people are often saying that THEY wouldn't be comfortable adopting, or hadn't thought about adoption, or couldn't afford to adopt, but are happy that we did. They are usually TRYING to be supportive. I don't want to shove that in their faces, obviously, especially since there are many others out there who've adopted as well and will want and need that person's support.

When people find out we've adopted from foster care they pull out ALL the stops and give us praise for 'rescuing', 'being willing to take in someone else's problems', etc. etc. Oi. I think I often look a bit surprised and just let people know that we didn't plan it all out, but God did, and we're blessed. Either that or I just stand there with my mouth agape, gabbling senselessly. Duh, uh, um... Depends on how scattered my wits are and how many kids I have with me.

I have been working on some way to incorporate how blessed we are to have children, and that all children are from our heavenly Father, into a short one or two sentence response. I think I will memorize it when I figure it all out, and then practice in front of the mirror so that I'll be ready at a moment's notice with a quick yet thoughtful response. Usually I'm caught off guard and don't have a ready come back.

[mrsred]

Like Barksum we also have adopted from the foster system, so get the "Oh you are such a blessing to these children". I usually respond by just saying, "We are the ones that are blessed. We are just living God's plan."
Occassionally I get the "You are a saint" to which I just laugh and say "Yeah. tell my kids that."

[arangia]

we get the "you are so noble, i can't believe what you're doing, i could never do that!"

for my husband and i we never really know what to say to people when they make all their comments. we don't feel noble, if anything we feel humble and like we're farther away than when we started! all the times we feel like we screw up and make mistakes! (oh why did we do 'that!'?) there is nothing like kids to act as a mirror and magnifying glass revealing all our flaws!

People are always saying that we're going to help these kids (bless them) so much, teach them so much and make such a difference in their lives and all we can think is how much they are changing OUR lives, helping US grow and teaching US new things about God, the world and ourselves.

some people become doctors, or some maybe become firefighters/paramedics, police officers, or even good samaritans, most of these people save lives at some point or another. we may very well be saving lives in a way as well, but it's certainly not glamorous and obviously they're not headlining the 10 o'clock news or the paper with our stories. and with such a great responsibility on our shoulders it's really hard to feel like we're super heroes or saints. we're just people who said 'yes' when others said 'no'.

[KarynB]

Personally - I think these kinds of comments (and we have gotten our share too) are really damaging for our kids to hear. What kid needs to hear that their parent is some kind os saint just for taking them in? Are they that terrible that only a saint would raise them?

I would nip those comments in the bud ASAP so my kids wouldn't hear them anymore - politely since you have to see her every day but confidently as well. Something like "Thanks for your thoughts but DS/DD has been a blessing to us since coming into our lives". I think it is the parents job to make our children feel like they are the treasures, not the other way around, kwim?

[TxMom65]

Originally Posted by KarynB

Personally - I think these kinds of comments (and we have gotten our share too) are really damaging for our kids to hear. What kid needs to hear that their parent is some kind os saint just for taking them in? Are they that terrible that only a saint would raise them?

I would nip those comments in the bud ASAP so my kids wouldn't hear them anymore - politely since you have to see her every day but confidently as well. Something like "Thanks for your thoughts but DS/DD has been a blessing to us since coming into our lives". I think it is the parents job to make our children feel like they are the treasures, not the other way around, kwim?

I totally agree. It stings me to hear these things in front of my daughter and if I heard it everyday or very often I would probably say something in private to the lady and ask her to stop.

[bajj]

I had decided if it happens again to talk with her out of my little one's hearing range. However, the weather has been bad and I haven't been getting out to go get him, so we haven't talked with her.

I did tell someone one time I am not a saint because I adopted, I am a Mother because I adopted. I'll have to remember that for her, too.

[Barksum]

"nobility
we get the "you are so noble, i can't believe what you're doing, i could never do that!"

for my husband and i we never really know what to say to people when they make all their comments. we don't feel noble, if anything we feel humble and like we're farther away than when we started! all the times we feel like we screw up and make mistakes! (oh why did we do 'that!'?) there is nothing like kids to act as a mirror and magnifying glass revealing all our flaws!

People are always saying that we're going to help these kids (bless them) so much, teach them so much and make such a difference in their lives and all we can think is how much they are changing OUR lives, helping US grow and teaching US new things about God, the world and ourselves.

some people become doctors, or some maybe become firefighters/paramedics, police officers, or even good samaritans, most of these people save lives at some point or another. we may very well be saving lives in a way as well, but it's certainly not glamorous and obviously they're not headlining the 10 o'clock news or the paper with our stories. and with such a great responsibility on our shoulders it's really hard to feel like we're super heroes or saints. we're just people who said 'yes' when others said 'no'." from Arangia's post


It is very interesting to me that people don't say these things to birth parents. I mean, how many people walk up to a mom and child in the store and say, 'What a noble undertaking you have here!' AND YET...all parenting is enough to try the patience of Job, is the biggest blessing, and is the noblest thing any person can do. All parents are 'saints' for doing what they do.

No parent is 'the best' and all parents are riddled with doubts about how to parent their children. Well, the GOOD parents are riddled with doubts because they recognize the serious responsibility of parenting and they have a fairly good idea of their own inadequacies! Parenting, whether birth or adopt, is beyond scary and beyond any descriptive phrases for the blessings it can bring.

Perhaps the best response is something to that effect. Something like, "Parenting is the scariest, the most incredible, the worst, and the best thing that we've ever done. Period. I think ALL parents should be encouraged and blessed for all that they do."

[vernellinnj]

A friend said to me the other day "this is a wonderful thing you are doing". I replied....thanks, but I'm simply a woman who wanted to be a mom. What I am doing (prayerfully adopting thru foster care) is no more WONDERFUL than a woman who gives birth to a child. (Although, in retrospect, suppose that's wonderful too).

Her response (all exchanges via e-mail), "Well, I think it's wonderful because many people wouldn't do that". To which I didn't respond.

Not really sure why the exchange irked me, she meant no harm. The fact that I was PMSing didn't help...

[Barksum]

I was brought up short one day by a cw. One of the workers at our local DHS agency said they were so pleased that we were adopting from foster care. I mentioned that people kept marveling that I 'could love someone who isn't yours' (by birth). I just shrugged and said that we loved our nieces and nephews and they weren't mine by birth, that we loved our friends' kids, etc. etc. so since people love kids who aren't theirs all over the place I didn't see what a big deal it was. The cw stopped and looked me right in the eye and said, 'Well, not everyone loves even their nieces and nephews, let alone other kids.'

Oh. Right. This made me realize that there are people for whom adoption in general is just not something they would ever consider, and adopting from foster care (with all the stereotypical "cooties" that people believe about that) is just way beyond what many people are even comfortable contemplating, let alone doing. I forget that not everyone views the world in the same way we (Dh and I) do.

I now try (really, really hard) to cut people some slack when they say that we are 'saints', 'noble', 'doing a phenomenal thing', etc. To them we just might be; we are beyond their comprehension, just as in their own way they are beyond mine.