[afolc]

My husband and I are adopting two boys, brothers, from foster care. We are straight adoption, so right now they are staying in the foster home and we are doing transistion visits. This past weekend was the first time they stayed overnight. Sending them back to their foster home was the most difficult thing I have ever done. We never thought it would be this difficult.

The first thing M (11) said Sunday morning was "I wish today would never end." He has always wanted to stay longer, asks when the judge will let them move in forever, and is always much quieter the last few hours he is with us. (The goal right now is that they will move in just before Christmas, but we can't tell them for fear of it not happening.)

I would like to know if anyone has any advice as to how we might be able to get through this a little easier. M wants something permanent so desperately. He knows his current foster home isn't his last move, but coming here will be and he wants that so much. I can literally see the pain in his eyes when it's time to go. S (7) is taking everything a little better. He would also like to stay, but is easier going about having to leave.

Sorry this is long. We all have our hearts breaking right now.

[bajj]

I don't have any advice. I have never adopted foster kids. I will keep you in my prayers!

[Barksum]

The transitioning is very difficult, on everyone. Work to be encouraging to the boys, and also to talk about your anticipation of having them come to your home. Take photos while you have them for visits, and make albums for them to have at the foster home. Do call them mid-week and make a list of things to talk about before you get on the phone so that you don't forget some important item, or have unexpected lags in the conversation.

Also work to have the time at your home be as 'normal' and 'routine' as possible. Avoid doing extraordinary things every time you see them, such giving them gifts every time they come, unless you plan to give them gifts every morning at breakfast for the rest of their lives. Do the things that you would normally do on the days that they come to visit. It will still be different than normal, but try to keep things consistant.

You might try cross posting this on the Special Needs Adoption forum as many (most) of the parents there have adopted from foster care and have gone through the transition time. It is an active board and they are more than willing to share lots of their experiences and advice.

Do also keep in touch with the caseworkers and find out what indicators they are looking for before ok'ing the boys' move to your home. Are you adopting from out of state and have to wait for ICPC? Do the workers want to wait until Christmas vacation to make the transition to a new school? It helps to have some idea of the goals you are working towards. Some cw's just want a long transition because they thing long transitions are good for the kids, sometimes the foster parents are the ones who want a long transition. Each case is individual, so keep communications open and frequent with the caseworkers so you know what they are thinking and planning on and can be thinking along the same lines.

(((hugs))) and hang in there. When we were adopting, I remember thinking, 'If we can just get past all this paperwork and the homestudy, then it will get easier.' It didn't, of course, since then we began submitting our homestudies for consideration and were waiting to be matched which was much more difficult in an emotional sense than doing the homestudy. I kept thinking that when we were matched it would all be SO much easier...and then we were matched! Then we had to work through transition! I've been waiting for the easy part of adoption for a number of years, and I suppose the "easy" part turned out to be the decision TO adopt at all! LOL

[mama2-8]

It is amazing to watch the changes in kids when they know they have a forever family. Its always a waiting game when your dealing with the state, hopefully it want be long until they are home for good.

The Journey