[bajj]

If you were writing a guide book for family and friends in regards to adoption, what things would you include? (No, I'm not writing a book, but thought it would be neat to compile a list of do's and don'ts)

What things do you wish you had known before starting the adoption process.

[bajj]

I'll start.

I would include things like: A First/birthmom is NOT one until she has relinquished rights.

A First mom is NOT someone to be feared (in most cases - I know there are some exceptions).

Adoption doesn't mean my kids are not real. I know people don't mean they are fake when they ask if they are my real kids, but my ds has said, "why is she saying that? Am I fake?"

I would include please do not ask questions in front of the kids, especially when they are old enough to understand.

Please do not assume I am a saint. I am just a person who wanted to be a parent.

Please do not assume my kids have a better life, they have a different life, but not necessarily better or worse, for that matter.

Hmmm, I'm sure I'll think of more!

[rsbg]

From our situation, where we are trying to adopt through the state.....

I wish I knew that EVERY family in our training class was told that they had "the" child picked out for them. And I wish I would have really listened when they said it takes a long time.

I wish there was a manual you could hand out to friends, family members, acquaintances that answer the basic questions of "WHY?", "Y'ALL ARE SUCH WONDERFUL PEOPLE", "BUT THE KIDS ARE SO DAMAGED", "YOUR KIDS ARE ALMOST GROWN", "HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING YET? WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG?" All well meaning, I am sure, but hard to answer sometimes.

And when we are finally matched, I am sure I will want a manual that explains how to keep people from asking questions in front of the children, about them, about their history, about their birth families, etc.

[mama_again]

1) I would write:
Do remember the moment you began the process of prayer and preparation, so that in the trying times it won't bring discouragement or doubt.
2) Hold fast if there are in any delays or distractions, because the waiting that seems so long brings joy to your heart upon the finalization.
3) Pray and pray some more (Christian book )
4)Trust that what God began He will complete it and to trust Him with the outcome...
5) Always look at your precious son/daughter with a love that is endless-one that is without measure, and to know that this precious one that you are training to be a man or woman will one day walk in his or her destiny with the peace of knowing who they are and how much they are loved, from all parents, family members etc. (if you are able to include all parties)
6) Be committed to the end with a love that reaches throughout eternity...

[sammyhas3]

you need to post this on a open form ..... has lots of things I could say

[Adopted-B-4]

Ani-Those are all good ones! Actually, no one ever said they weren't "real" regarding the boys, but people call their birthmother, their "real" mom.
I would add, to some how tell friends and family that asking every day or every time you see us if we have heard anything, just makes the waiting harder. In particular, when I worked as a nurse, I worked with like 12 other nurses on our floor and at least 4 techs and secretaries and I wanted to buy a loud speaker EVERY day to say, "No, we haven't heard anything yet!". People think they are being concerned but have no idea how many times you have already been asked that!

Also, I would like to say, it's not necessary for everyone in the world to know they are adopted! This is mainly for my mother in law! It was one of the first things she would spout off and then would try to go in depth about our infertility and why we adopted! Yes, they are adopted! No, it's not a secret! But the adoption doesn't define them or us, it is a big part of our lives, but it's not who they are! Does that make sense??

I do wish I didn't feel so threatened by our birthmother's family at the time of the boys birth. They were very opposed to the adoption and it took a lot of the joy away for us, since it made us scared that it wouldn't happen.

The second time around, I just wish I could have used the extra bedroom as anything other than a nursery for the past 2 years! Just wish we knew it would have taken this long the second time!

[bajj]

Originally Posted by sammyhas3

you need to post this on a open form ..... has lots of things I could say

Awww sammy, this IS an open forum, and all are welcome to join in. Go right ahead and say what you want to!

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Adopted-B-4

Also, I would like to say, it's not necessary for everyone in the world to know they are adopted! This is mainly for my mother in law! It was one of the first things she would spout off and then would try to go in depth about our infertility and why we adopted! Yes, they are adopted! No, it's not a secret! But the adoption doesn't define them or us, it is a big part of our lives, but it's not who they are! Does that make sense??

My Mother does this! It is so annoying. She will say, "here is my grandson (my nephew) and here are my adopted grandsons." Grrr, AND SHE'S AN ADOPTIVE MOM!!!!!

then she goes on and on about how I can't have kids, etc. Hello???? Is it everyone's business??? I think not!

[mrsred]

Like rsbg we have adopted from the foster system, older kid adoptions (6, 10 and our atest is turning four, all separate adoptions), so my list would be a bit different.

1. Don't assume that birthmom is a terrible person just because she had her child(ren) nremoved by the state. I can honestly say that each of my children's birthmothers love them, but sadly do to drug addiction and/or mental health issues are unable to parent. That does not make them evil. It does mean we need to forgive them for what they did (or did not do, in the case of neglect) and pray for them.
2. When my adorable new daughter comes and wants you to hold, cuddle and kiss her it is not because she is so terribly fond of you. She would do the same with the mailman. Please deflect her and tell her to go to her mommy for hugs and kisses. I know it is hard, but responding to her indescriminate affection just makes her sicker.
3. Please treat my children just like all the rest of the kids in the family/church/ whatever. They have to follow the same rules, but they should also enjoy the same respect.

[bajj]

I like these, red!

[Barksum]

Here's mine:

1. Be happy for my family. Don't get a worried, pinched look on your face and ask if we're sure about what we are doing and if we know the risks.

2. Be supportive of our newly formed family, just as if the child was born to us. Bring dinners for the first week, offer to help with housework, throw a shower, send a congratulation card. It doesn't matter how old the new child is, this is all still appropriate and appreciated.

3. Do not: ask what is wrong with my kids (we adopted special needs kids from state foster care), why they were placed for adoption, where their real family is, or if I love them like my own. Especially in front of the kids. If you need to know, we'll fill you in. Otherwise, it's really private information of those involved.

4. Kids are kids; get to know them and love them as individuals, just like any other member of the family.

5. All families go through tough times in various ways. Don't shut down any struggles the parents may have by telling them they 'chose to do this'. So do birth parents, but we still support them during the process.

6. If we parent differently than you are used to, don't assume we're idiots. Sometimes children with invisible physically handicapping conditions or with histories of trauma (developmental or cognitive delays, fetal alcohol, emotional issues) need to be parented in ways that may be unfamiliar to you. If you are concerned, discuss this privately with us, the parents.

7. If you aren't sure about something, and feel uncomfortable, talk to me privately and ask what you should do. We're all learning as we go, so just ask.

[mj77]

This is a great thread! I agree with so much said here.

[mrsred]

Amen boulderbabe!