[bajj]

How do you explain adoption to children? I have used puzzles and M&M's to explain how we can be a family even when we look different.

How do you explain adoption either to your own kids or to other kids who are just curious?

[kelceesmom]

I'm not in the position yet as Kelcee is just 2 but can't wait to hear and grab some experience.

I'm sure I will find a book to give me some tips but I think that just being honest from the start and always letting Kelcee know how she came to join our family will help.

[bajj]

I think that is true, Denice.

The thing that prompted my question is some of my 5 yr old's friends are wondering how we can belong together, when we don't "match."

[kelceesmom]

Oh, that would take some good explaining. I think we are lucky that so many people, at least where I live, we have a lot of diversity so that will help us out. But as for our family and friends we have so many that knew of our adoption plans and everyone seems to think this is the norm as far as we are concerned.

[TxMom65]

My daughter was 3 when she went into foster care for good and 8 when we finally got to adopt her. She already knows but has some questions about why it all was allowed to happen and such. I wish I had better answers.

When we did adopt her some kids at school had questions. She was in 3rd grade and about 5 kids came out and explained adoption because they were adopted. It has opened a lot of discussion and seemed to make things OK for everyone. We just told kids who asked that it was one way to build a family. We wanted her and she wanted us. If they asked where her other family was or why she didn't live with them I tried to answer without actually answering. If that makes sense?

[mama_again]

This is a great topic.
I believe we must learn to see the world from our child's perspective and listen a lot. They adapt better than we can imagine if they know truth.
Their voices matters so much!
As a new mom on adoption, I must say that I am also a (step) mom as well. I have always told our children, not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but miraculously my own. Although, adoption and step parenting differ tremendously the 'D' word for divorce had to be tackled at such a tender age and though it was hard, the years and growth have been wonderful and our relationships are on a solid foundation, as love has been the guide all these years.
There will be different junctures in their lives that will cause them to open up and if we listen I believe it will help them to understand as we share in whichever scope at the time, building blocks for every age.
I think the m&m's are great Ani, because it shows them that in the difference there is still a unique unity in your hearts, because those m&m's come together in that one bag and they are yummy.
It is understandable that we live in a world that can be cruel and comments can wound a child’s heart, but if they have confidence built in them at a tender age I believe they can become strong individuals who will be able to stand strong.
Our own grandson was astounded to find our baby was not in my tummy, while I was approached by a 5 yr old at church asking why we adopted? Children are so intuitive and they need to know and want to know.
This is lengthy and I can say so much, but mostly I think as we share tid bits along the way, whether in forms of stories, birthfamily pictures, and books on adoption and culture from their age it helps them to identify, along with building a bond of honesty and trust with their Afamily while hopefully one day being able to establish a solid relationship with their Bfamily as you have laid that foundation for them; "but I know this is not possible for many adoptions regarding the bfamily".
I am one that can identify with all aspects of this as it is a part our families.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I would imagine it would be a bit more difficult to explain when you've adopted interracially - given the simple physical differences. In our case, our girls look eerily like my husband so unless people know they were adopted or we offer the information, it's not automatically assumed.

Our girls both know they were adopted, that they grew in C's tummy not mine, and that she "wasn't able to take care of three babies at one time" (she was parenting a 9-month-old daughter when my girls were born). They don't really connect the older child with themselves at this point and aren't really aware that there is a younger half-brother and half-sister as well. When we talk about adoption - which, frankly, isn't often - we explain that C had one baby, couldn't take care of two more and wanted them to have a happy home with a mommy and a daddy, so she chose us to be their parents. That we prayed and prayed for a baby and God blessed us with TWO.

We're open to any questions they may ask and are ready to talk about it when they want to. There's just not much interest in the subject right now.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I have not had to deal with these questions yet, but my favorite "child's perspective" on adoption comes from a story my best friend (a pre-k Montessori (sp?) teacher). One of her students was talking to her about "adoption" and about how she had been adopted. She was kind of explaining as best she could for a child of about age 4...definately using terms and explainations that she had been told. Then she wrapped up her conversation with my friend by asking her pointedly..."so, did you come from adoption too, or did you come from sex?" She answered as best she could without losing her composure "I was not adopted."

That is a story that I was told when we started the adoption process and it always made me smile at how innocent...yet smarter than we realize...kids can be when it comes to such topics.

[mom2samuel]

We started talking to our son, who is from Guatemala, as soon as we thought he might begin to "grasp" the concept. I know he doesn't still fully understand (he's almost 6), but for the most part he gets it and is proud of his background. (But, he's sad he can't see his birthmommy and birthdaddy). Our newest edition (6 months) is AA and will have a chance to know his birthmother and siblings, so it will all be new to us.

I love what my best friend told me about how she learned about her adoption. (Keep in mind, this was almost 40 yrs ago). She said as long as she could remember, her parents told her a bedtime story about a mommy and daddy going into this room filled with children, and how they picked out this beautiful little girl with red hair and fair skin. They knew that God had meant this little girl to be theirs. Eventually, in her own time, my friend realized they were talking about her and how she came to be part of their family. It wasn't forced, scary, or pretentious, it just allowed her to come to terms with the knowledge. And, to this day, she appreciates and remembers this story well!

Michelle

[bajj]

I have always told my boys about being adopted and shared as much as they will listen to, which at their age, isn't always a lot! LOL!

We include thier Bmom's names in some of our special songs we sing. We talk about them and pray for them.

It's mainly other kids that I wonder about how to explain and also how to equip my boys with answering questions, too. I have read some books, maybe I just need to re-read some of them!

[kayder1996]

Things I've read have suggested honesty being the best policy. As a first grade teacher, I would say that if you are a talking with little ones and are trying to address a specific question, leave out the fluff. They don't think like we do and comparing people to candy or animals, etc, can be confusing for them. Older kids of course get that kind of association if you explain it to them. But for little kids, those kind of analogies may be helpful in setting the stage for a conversation rather than actually being the explanation itself. The analogy may help the child later in life as they get older and understand it better so of course, share it, but don't rely on it to explain the whole idea. There are many great picture books on adoption that show the process from beginning to end. There is a really good, older book that I love. It uses animals and has a bird who couldn't keep her babies warm and couldn't find enough food so she asks an owl what to do. The owl helps her find another animal family to care for her babies. It over simplifies adoption but for little ones, simple is better. As they get older, they're able to understand more and more about the complexity of adoption. I can't think of the name of it but it's in our collection if someone really wants to know just ask. Also, adoption research suggests creating a fantasy story for your adopted child. Creating a "tall tale" of sorts that explains who the birth parents are and why they decided to allow their child to be adopted. Obviously won't work in a situation where kids know a lot about their birth families but for kids who are struggling to fill in the blanks, they suggested these type stories, even when not filled with truth, can give kids a sense of fulfillment in that area. The kids are already probably imagining who and why so by giving it a story, you are validating their thoughts. Using the same idea, it could be helpful to create a story of how your child came to live in your house as well. One based more in reality than fantasy. In both cases it is important to be respectful of the bio family (if you read the post on the church and adoption, there's a story from a bio mom who has felt a lot of pain about adoption) and your own. No offense to whomever posted about their friend's family telling a story about a room full of children that she was picked from, but I've read several other adoptees tell of similar stories and that if placed a lot of pressure on them because they felt like if they were picked, than they could also be "unpicked" for bad behavior. Of course, every situation is different and some adoptess probably didn't ever feel that but it is something to consider. And I think, in interacial adoptions, finding other families who share that connection is important too. Giving your kids a chance to meet and be friends with other families who look a little like yours because you "don't match" would help them understand how families aren't about skin color. I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla is a great book on identity and race, especially in terms of interacial adoption.
Kayla

[kayder1996]

I would like to add about adoption questions that aren't from adoptees.

As a first grade teacher, my classroom kids see my baby's pictures, and usually someone says, "He's brown!" They're so surprised; it's actually kind of cute. I don't give an elaborate answer. I usually ask "Is that okay?" Somebody usually says, "Yes." And then I say families don't have to be the same color. Sometimes families look the same but sometimes they don't. What matters most in a family?" And everytime, someone says, "love." That's it. That's all I say. The biggest thing for kids like this is to get them to realize that their experience is not the way it always is. Kids automatically assume that everyone lives life just the way they do. Kids think things like "I sleep upstairs so everyone in my classroom probably has a bedroom upstairs. My mom stays at home with me during the day and my dad comes home for supper so everyone's moms and dads do those things." I can't suggest enough about reading I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla because often kids who are younger don't process race in the same way we do and this book really helps to explain that as well.
Kayla

[nikkianni]

Even though she can't even talk yet, I tell Eve her adoption story at least once a week. Sometimes she listens and "talks" back, other times she watches the ceiling fan, lol.
DH walked in the other day when I was mid-story and asked why I was going through all that now, when she can't understand. I just said right now I'm telling her because I enjoy it and I want her to grow up from day one knowing how very special she is. Also, I want to get all three of us comfortable with the story so that when she does understand and start asking questions, it's an easy transition.
I'm also ordering a couple of story books I like that deal with adoption on a younger child level.
As for her having to explain to others, I don't know that she ever will unless she wants to. She looks so much like us right now that even people who know we adopted can't believe it. Go figure.

[Yash]

I really like Tell Me Again... by Jaime Lee Curtis so we read that one. We also read a book by Roma Downey about how families are different. Some kids have tons of siblings, some have none, some are adopted, some are being raised by grandparents, and some are being raised by single parents.

I want Jory to know that adoption is just how he came into our family, along with his sisters, and that it's all good.

Any Christian adoption books out there?

[bajj]

Good question Yash, and I'd like to know, too!