[DreamingAzure]

I've been taught that my entire life. That I can love someone without accepting and condoning their lifestyle or life choices. AND to be perfectly honest it's something that I have stuggled with for many years. It's a hard seperation for me to make.

I've been stewing this over for a number of weeks, and decided I'll bite the bullet(and possible flamage) and ask:

How do you explain to your child that their bparents are nice and good people, but at the same time try to teach them about strong morals and living a clean Christian lifestyle when their bparents aren't??

I have a friend who is having this issue. Their daughter is fast coming into her teen years and they are discussing sex, virginity, premarital sex etc. And Their daughter made the comment of "well my bmom has sex and she is great" bmom in this case is VERY single and...ummm....to put it nicely falls into the "if it feels good lets do it"(and then talk about it) catagory. (finding out that bmom has talked to T about sex has brought up some boundry issues TOO)

I think it's important that bparents be respected...BUT... How do you get your child to understand the difference with bmom/bdad being a nice person and them NOT having the same set of morals that we have?

PLEASE, I'm NOT saying this is an issue with ALL adoptions & bparents...but this is something I'm seeing friends stuggle with, and can see it being a possiblity that I would rather know and think about BEFORE I get there.

[StorkWatcher]

Shana,
I've been thinking of the same thing, but how to talk about drug use. I don't want to paint a negative picture of our son's bmom, but I want to raise him knowing drug use is NOT acceptable and is WRONG.

I'm trying to think of ways to talk about this to send a good message to him. I will be glad to read posts here for your topic. I think they might help me as well as others in similar situations.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Excuse me?

I am a "nice, clean and moral" firstparent. I was when I got pregnant as well. I made a poor choice and, thus, suffered the consequences of my actions.

And that's all you have to say. We have free will. God lets us make our own decisions. And, if we falter and make a decision that is not within his plan for our lives, we often have to pay a consequence. Some of us learn the lesson while others have to learn again and again.

Note that your judgement of the birthparents that you have mentioned and their, to quote you, if it feels good do it and talk about it lifestyle is the same as living that lifestyle. Instead, concentrate on her positives and encourage the daughter to pray for her firstmom.

Just listening to a pastor on the radio the other day. There are ways we teach our children. If you want your child to pray, first you tell them to pray, discuss the importance and how it can change our lives. Then LET THEM SEE YOU PRAYING. Dinner. Bedtime. In the car. Where-ever. Then encourage them to pray on their own.

Accentuate the positive and pray for the firstmom with the child. It not only shows respect but continues to build a strong faith within the child.

[Mommy24]

Jenna what a great post!!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well... I think it is more of an issue that the birthparents are adults and she isnt. They have the freedom to live the lifestyle and make the choices that they would like... there is nothing wrong with being an adult and making adult decisions. BUT the teen is NOT an adult and while living under your roof needs to follow your rules and your moral code. She isnt free to sort out her own beliefs on right or wrong until she is on her own....

Bottom line... there is nothing wrong with adults having adult behavior.

But while under your roof...she has conduct herself according to your code or pay your consequences. It is what it is to be a teen....

[xillini]

Shana, Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I wish I knew the answers, but I don't! It's important to teach children that ALL people make bad decisions & there are temptations everywhere. In our family we focus on the positive & pray for the people that live the bad lifestyles to make a better change.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Yeah. Um... calling a life style bad (like this particular one... not an illegal one or something) .... which is just one of a single woman.... well doesnt judge not lest ye be judged? fit that? There is nothing wrong with being single and unmarried. There is nothing 'bad' about it.... it is called being an adult... which a teen is not.

Probably the better way to go, in my opinion, is to wait because of self respect... not because she would then be 'bad'.....

[DreamingAzure]

Jenna,

I'm not saying that all bparents are like this(I made a point of saying that in my OP)...I KNOW there are MANY "nice, clean & moral" bparents out there...

I'm talking about the adoptions when bparents AREN'T Christians and DO NOT live a moral life, who are in more open adoptions. My friend's specificly.

I truly believe that prayer is of the utmost importance. But praying does not get rid of the need to have conversations about sex, drugs, tobacco, and drinking with your child.

Maybe I need to clarify my question a bit more??

[numbr1dbcksfan]

AREN'T Christians and DO NOT live a moral life

I just want to clarify... are you saying if a person is not Christian they are not moral?

[xillini]

Originally Posted by numbr1dbcksfan

Yeah. Um... calling a life style bad (like this particular one... not an illegal one or something) .... which is just one of a single woman.... well doesnt judge not lest ye be judged? fit that? There is nothing wrong with being single and unmarried. There is nothing 'bad' about it.... it is called being an adult... which a teen is not.

Probably the better way to go, in my opinion, is to wait because of self respect... not because she would then be 'bad'.....

Huh? I never said that someone that is single/unmarried was bad. Everyone has their own moral code of what is right & wrong. Please reply.

I replied to this thread because I too struggle with what I am going to say to my son in the future about his birth mother that leads a very unhealthy- distructive lifestyle. I want helpful answers - not someone to mix my words.

[DreamingAzure]

[quote=numbr1dbcksfan]Yeah. Um... calling a life style bad (like this particular one... not an illegal one or something) .... which is just one of a single woman.... well doesnt judge not lest ye be judged? fit that? There is nothing wrong with being single and unmarried. There is nothing 'bad' about it.... it is called being an adult... which a teen is not. [quote]


I don't think a woman(or ANYONE for that matter) who is having premarital sex is "bad" but I DO think she is making "bad" choices with her lifestyle.

Actually I don't think there is some big difference between having sex as a teenager and having sex as an adult(outside of marriage) Wrong is wrong is wrong.

My Christian beliefs don't change depending on age. I believe,and hope my children learn, that sex outside marriage is wrong...and sex is best saved for marriage. That doesn't change with age...Premarital sex is wrong if you are 16, 26 or 86(IMHO, I know there are many who disagree).

I also hope my children learn that being "WRONG" doesn't make you BAD...and something that is "wrong" can be made "right"(sometimes)

**ETA** NO, I'm not say that non-Christians don't have morals. I know many people who are not Christian who have very high morals.

[Mommy24]

Shana
I completely agree with you

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Im not mixing anyone's words. I personally think that the better route to take is to teach self respect and awareness... not to teach judgement of others.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I also hope my children learn that being "WRONG" doesn't make you BAD...and something that is "wrong" can be made "right"(sometimes)

I hope that children learn that "wrong" in someone's eyes isnt necessarily wrong, absolute... it is just wrong TO THAT person. And really that person is the one who has to deal with their own feelings about wrongness...

Sex should be about respect... and once an adult... they are the ones to determine what that respect is.

While a teen, though... they should respect their parents rules and moral code, as well as their self.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by DreamingAzure

I truly believe that prayer is of the utmost importance. But praying does not get rid of the need to have conversations about sex, drugs, tobacco, and drinking with your child.

Maybe I need to clarify my question a bit more??

And having completely upstanding role models who lead perfect lives STILL doesn't get rid of the needs to discuss sex, drugs, tobacco and drinking with your child. They are subjects that NEED to be discussed. If they are left ignored, children are left to figure out things on their own which can be far more detrimental to their mental and spiritual well-being.