[bandareed]

I have been having an ongoing issue that I've been struggling with. My daughter is adopted. I have phone contact with bmom. Bmom still has custody of the last two kids (of 7) 2 yr old twin girls. I have kept in contact with her mostly just to keep tabs on the twins. Severe neglect is evident. Bmom trusts me so tells me a lot. My dilemma is that I have to keep calling children's protective services. I was finally able to get a case opened. The babies need to be taken and put into safety. But, everytime bmom calls I feel guilty. She trusts me and I go and "tell on" her. However, I don't want to end contact because the things she has told me are what may eventually lead the caseworker to remove the twins from harm. I've never actually lied to her, but I have avoided telling the whole truth, and have been misleading. If I don't lie, am I morally okay? Just don't want to abandon these babies. One more thing, although there is a case open, so people watching the family now, bmom has confided to me that they're ready to run again.

[AwaitingBeloved]

This is a dilemma. I do think that morally, you are doing the right thing. I don't think it matters how you are helping these kids (i.e. not being completely honest with bmom, a completely honest person might confront her about her behaviors) but this would prevent her from speaking to you which would prevent you from gathering the evidence you need to help these kids.. and, morally, the kids are the ones you can help. The mom needs to help herself. I am guessing you've offered suggestions and support in the past, and she just hasn't taken any of your suggestions or support and you're at a loss and feel helpless. (I've been there, too.. it's very difficult. And it's not easy to know what is right). But from the outside, my opinion, is the kids can be helped. They need you to help them, and you are. You are essentially working for the child protective services by keeping your relationship open and trusting. Is it deceitful, probably. But is it for the kids best interest, from what you've shared, I'd say absolutely. And that you are doing the right thing.


I hope this helps. It's not like you're out to ruin someone's family, or that you're being careless or cruel, you are doing your best to make sure these kids get to safety.


I hope good news follows. I am sorry to hear that this woman is having such a difficult time being a mom.

[bandareed]

I guess I should have added that the first 4 children all have severe issues. One is drug/alcohol baby. All are RAD, significant delays, eating issues...the list goes on. Baby 4 almost died at one month from failure to thrive. And now the twins are showing signs of negect...hiding food, severe hyperactivity, smearing poop, severe biting, etc...

Also, I do try to be a good influence on bmom...as have all of the past social workers, child development experts etc...

And I have been always completely open and truthful with the social workers...give my name, relationship and all that.

[alwaysus]

When our son Paul was born, his birthmother had a federal warrant for her arrest. She knew this. She didn't know that WE knew. When Paul was 3 days old, his birthmother took him out of the hospital, AMA, because the social workers had been called. So she ran. ( Paul was 6 weeks early and born with meth in his system) Anyway, T brought Paul to our house when he was 6 days old. We knew she was coming and we called the police and basically set her up. Why? We knew that Pauls life was in danger. I have NO guilt feelings and I would do the same again.
Someday when she is in her right mind, this woman might thank you for saving her childrens lives and keeping her out of prison on neglect charges. If not, you will still know that you did what you could to protect the children.
Good luck,

[mamabee]

First of all, considering what you have said about the children...this has nothing to do with "a" birthmom but any body that would cause harm whether it be physical, mental or other, to a child should be reported to authorities. This is your morally obligation!!

[bandareed]

Awaiting, Lana and Mamabee thank you! You've all helped a lot. I like that it's my "moral obligation"...I would do anything for these girls as long as it doesn't hurt my kids or was morally wrong. It's been a long two years. The contiued contact w/ bmom is hard because she makes me so sad. She just doesn't get it. I do actually like her, by the way. Can you believe she's only 27 and has had 7 kids and a miscarriage? Very sad. I do pray for her, as I of course do for the babies.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Bandareed, it's clear that you care deeply for all of them, including the bmom. You really are doing the right thing by reporting all this, and maybe eventually this young woman will find the strength to heal and get herself together. It wouldn't happen I don't think at all if people just looked the other way, KWIM? It stinks the position you're in, but you're doing the best thing you can. And remember that you haven't done anything wrong.

[bandareed]

I'm new at this; what is KWIM?

[b4truth]

know what i mean

[happygmom]

The well-being of innocent children comes first. That is the only morality. For me there is no moral dilemma here - you are doing the right thing.

Happy G'Ma

[StorkWatcher]

Bandareed - I just found the "sticky note" for the list of the common acronyms and abbreviations used here and what they mean.

Check out Acronyms & Abbreviations

[bandareed]

Thank you. I printed the list. This will be a great help!