[AprilMay]

My family and I just returned to the states from being missionaries in Asia for the past three years. I fell in love with the people and countries, and especially with China. It is my heart's desire to adopt a little girl from China. My two boys, ages 10 and 13, even think it would be neat to have a little sister! My husband, on the other hand, is dead set against it. He has many excuses, ranging from "no money" to "not wanting to start over." He is slowly but surely breaking my heart. No one else seems to understand the longing I have to adopt a daughter; they all pat me on the head and tell me how lucky I am to have two wonderful boys. I know that I am lucky, and never take them for granted, but it doesn't help. Does anyone have any advice for me? I am sinking into depression!

[bromanchik]

Please get some marriage counseling. As we all know, raising a child requires committment from both parents. It is harmful to a child to have a father who feels like he was forced into parenting.

[blessedbybug]

In our marriage, it takes 2 "yes" votes and one "no" vote to make a major decision like this. I wholeheartedly understand that your heart is breaking over this ~ I know what it is like to long for a child...it took over 5 years for our DD to join our family, and now we wait again... ~ but I think the reality of your life might be to find some peace, at least for this time, with the blessings you already have.

Have you considered speaking to a counselor, or at least your pastor/priest, together and separately about this? You might need some objectivity in order to "flush out" the reasons he is so deadset against an adoption plan. It might be an opportunity for him to truly hear your heart as well.

Adoption is NOT for the faint of heart or a journey to be entered into lightly or worse, to be coerced to do it. This is a decision that affects everyone and I don't think it would be wise for your family nor healthy for any child who comes into your family to have a parent who feels they were forced to do something they knew they couldn't do.

Blessings to you and your family ~

[AprilMay]

Hello all,
Please know that I would never, EVER pursue the adoption process without my husband's full support! I think you may have misunderstood my post. I know that would be a nightmare! My hurt feeling are coming from the fact that he is brushing my feelings aside as if they are unimportant. At any rate, I have decide to let God handle it and change whichever of our hearts need changing, and focus on counting my blessings.

[blessedbybug]

AprilMay ~ It is SO hard when you feel like you are not heard. I can understand that. I hope you find a way to communicate how strongly you feel about this to your DH, to at least know he knows how you feel. (((hugs)))

[gforce]

I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers -just like I have been in other's prayersabout the very same thing.
Four years ago, the Lord put on my heart to adopt and it had never entered my mind before. I already had 3 sons and we thought that we would be finished with the whole kiddo thing... but He had other plans. After 6 months of seeking privately His will (arguing with Him), I went to my DH and told him what the Lord had shown me. He thought I was crazy or menopausal or ....
It took almost 2 years but slowly, VERY slowly he began to realize that this might be of the Lord, not me.
The very fact that I was patient is a miracle in itself-I am more of DOER!!!! Financially, I took great comfort in that I knew that if God could change dh's heart then He could do anything-including provide the money. (we both had this concern and still do) My dh can be very stubborn but he is not callous. He is actually very good with kids and had adopted my 2 youngest after we married. (he got a "package deal") He just did not want anything to interfere with his plans.
Today he is proudly showing our dd picture to anyone,even if they don't ask. We do not have her yet but selected her (God selected her!) last Oct. and receive updated photos every 2-3 weeks from our agency. We are currently waiting for the last of our paperwork to send to Viet Nam and it is hard to tell who is more anxious to go get her-me or dh!!!!!!
My encouragement is that if your desire if from the Lord, it will happen as you say-please be patient with him and yourself. Take your petitions to God and He will establish your path even right through your husband's heart. Continue to research and explore what it would take and what kind of financing is available. "To know" is to face those concerns, I think. We did not seek counseling on this as I was not going one step further until dh was on board. In fact, I gave him veto power to stop the process at any point. I think that helped him.
I hope that this is a help to you.

[AprilMay]

Thank you so much! It is a BIG help to hear your story. I think I need to just be patient and let God work. I am not known for my ability to be patient, so maybe this is God's way of working on that with me! Congrats on your dd!!!!

[overflowing]

AprilMay, I just wanted to encourage you to be silent and pray. Just as gforce shared in her story. My dh felt we were truly done after we adopted our youngest. He said absolutely no more children. His concern with each decision to have another child has always been 'Can I give each of our kids the individual time they need..the more children we have, the harder that is'. One year ago, God put this burning desire in my heart to adopt a little girl from China and dh still said no. God showed me that I needed to be silent and pray fervently that God would either change my heart or my husbands heart. (let me just tell you that being silent and patient is just about an impossible feat for me I felt so discouraged because he said no...if I nagged him enough he would've caved but that's not how our marriage works. He had to have the exact same burning desire before we would proceed. I wanted only God's will and that included my dh being as passionate about another child as me. About 4 months ago..out of the blue..dh said 'you know' 4 wouldn't be so bad (with a big grin on his face). I stayed quiet and patient and then right after Christmas, dh shared what had been on his heart towards China. It was everything that God had put on my heart...things that I never even told him. He felt that now was the time to begin our journey to our daughter.

As I look back on this past year, I am confident that God's will is to adopt our little girl from China....not because I manipulated the situation but because He did ALL the work. When I laid it at His feet, it gave me freedom to trust Him. When I laid it at His feet, I even laid the possibility that He would change my heart towards China (that was the harder one to leave But when I truly gave Him EVERYTHING, I had an amazing peace knowing that the God who's very word created everything, loves little 'ole me and His desires for my life are more that I could ever comprehend...that I can trust my life to a God who knows my deepest desires and only desires what it best for me. Think about your little ones and how much you love them and how much you would do anything for them. Then look at our Lord...our father...our daddy...and remember His love is a perfect love...a deeper love than we can ever understand.

Sorry for the long post...you've touched my heart and I will be praying for you. -stacy

[IvoryAlibi]

Just "pray without ceasing". Give this to God. If it is God's will that your family be blessed with a little girl, then it will no doubt happen. My adoptive parents, after getting married, were extremely disappointed to find out that they could not have children together. The doctor asked them if they had considered adoption. They said, "no way". The idea seemed so absurd to them. That was when the doctor said, "I was adopted." That kinda put adoption into perspective for them. They then went on to adopt three children. After this they wanted to adopt a fourth boy. The adoption agency called them after they had been waiting on the waiting list for so long, and said "well, we don't have a boy, but we do have a baby girl who needs a home." My mom's bestfriend talked them into adopting me. Her name was Gretchen...as is my middle name. What I'm trying to get at is that sometimes the situation seems so out of reach. My parents never wanted to adopt, but God provided different people along the way to help them understand. If it is God's will that you have your Chinese baby girl...then it will happen. Don't worry or be depressed about it. Just trust God.

[AprilMay]

I am so blessed to be able to hear all of your stories! I think I especially needed to hear from "overflowing"...I was plotting again about how I would "bring up" the subject with my husband...leave an adoption book by the toilet (and remove his Sports Illustrated) where he would be trapped into reading it? Coach my boys into talking about it casually? Post pictures on my fridge of waiting children? Throw myself at his feet and beg and plead?
Thank GOODNESS I checked this board! You saved me! I will throw myself at my Heavenly Father's feet instead!

[gforce]

funny, because I thought of "helping" God along but the best help I could give was prayer. I researched and researched and researched so that when the time came, I could provide answers to his concerns. That made the wait on my husband a little easier as I was then armed with knowledge as well as prayer.
You may find a different way to keep occupied-I found that by re-learning to crochet helped as well. (the plan was to send them to the Chinese orphanage that our daughter was to be from but then God changed the country to Viet Nam -pretty temperate climate)
I wish you peace in your heart and trust in Him. Keep the latest info posted

[faithmylord]

I was in the same situation as you with "me" wanting to adopt the "son" I never had. I have 2 gorgeous and healthy bio daughters that I adore, but no son. I brought up the option of adopting to my husband and he was less than enthusiastic. So I asked him if he would at least consider coming to an adoption/fostercare class with me.
We went and it brought something out in him that I haven't really seen before. Compassion.... We are both Christian, but he was not aware of the desperate lives these poor children are thrust into by no fault of their own.
Anyway long story short, we are in the process of adopting Ricky, the piece of my heart that has been missing so long.
God, brought me to the place in my heart, the place in my husbands heart, and the location in the good Ol' USA where I would find my son. I continue to put God first in this situation, it has not been peaches and cream, but with HIM by our side "All things are possible in Christ"
I am a huge advocate for US adoption, please think about helping Our forgotten children.
Love and Peace in Christ...

[karenmarq]

I wonder, too, if the fact that you have decided on a Chinese daughter plays into his decision at all. Just a thought.

Karen

[hdallas]

Sometimes God plants a vision in an open receptive heart ---just to pray. Bring this up in your prayers. If it is the Lord's will HE will change your husbands heart. Mums the mouth and open up big time in prayer and watch God do wonders! I am a testimony.

[Umbilical child]

O'k...I just kind of fell into this thread...I am an adult adoptee...Life is not a bed of roses for us even in the most well meaning and loving families but PLEASE listen to yourself here...I am not a christian but I honestly believe that CHRISTIAN acts are those which are selfless.....Your NEED to adopt seems more centred around the self......If you guys are not together on this thing then don't even go there...wouldn't want the young one to grow up thinking mummy wanted me but dad was less than enthused....no amount of prayer could sort out those ramifications...just my thoughts...