[tigger44]

I didn't realize there was a forum for Christian Adoptive Parents. I'm glad I found it. I tossed around the idea of posting this, and where I should post it. It's mostly a need to vent my frustration, and seeking encouragement from fellow Christian parents is probably the best place for me.

I have always struggled to deal with my husband's parents. They have always been very kind to me, and I to them, but my mother in law has an extremely overbearing personality. She has always ruled the roost, so to speak, as my husband was growing up, and continues to do so now. Every time we have visited with them (they live 10 minutes away) my husband's personality takes a very sharp turn to a submissive, passive, very obedient son. He just sits on the couch like a lump, hardly reacting to his mother's constant chatter, her fussing at him if he says or does something she doesn't like, her "free" advice and opinion about anything and everything in our lives, and in the world in general, and all the other things that overbearing mothers (and mothers-in-law) do. Funny thing is, if I try any of those things with him when we're home, he is very quick to stop me in my tracks.

My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and have just brought home our first child, from Russia. She is 17 months old. Everyone in the family adores her. She is beautiful and full of personality, and very easy to love. Before we brought her home we gave every family member some information about how we would be parenting her differently than most people parent their birth children. We tried to explain the attachment and bonding needs of our soon to be child, and gave them warning that they would need to stay in the background, and not be surprised to see our daughter's dependence on us, for even the simplest things, be extended to an age far greater than most children (like keeping her on the bottle or in diapers, feeding her rather than forcing her to feed herself, etc.) Most everyone understood and have tried their best to support us.

A while back we needed to send out another reminder letter, mostly because my mother in law was breaking the rules and doing whatever she wanted with our daughter. It was causing some problems. In the same letter we also reminded that we are not pushing our daughter's independence, that we will not begin potty training until she is at least two years old, that we will continue doing many things for her that she might be expected to do herself, all for the nurturing and bonding benefits.

That letter helped a lot. Mother in law cut back on some of the inappropriate things she was doing with our baby. However, she can't seem to keep herself from continuing to offer "free" advice to us, almost everytime we are visiting.

We visited with them last night. One of the first things mother in law did was give me a coupon for some of those diapers that you use during potty training. A little later she asked me "Have you started potty training her yet?" I said no, and reminded her that we are not starting potty training until she is two, which will be in August.

During dinner our daughter intentionally dropped her spoon, and then her sippy cup, onto the floor. My husband sort of blurted out "Uh-oh, hold time", which is really the "time in" discipline that we use with her. Both of his parents said "huh? what's that?". We started explaining it, and I said, "it's something we use instead of spanking" (I do not want to even consider spanking her). Mother in law said "well, sometimes you have to pop them". I got so furious with the comment that I didn't even listen to her and my husband discussing it. I'm sure she was going on with my husband about how we need to spank her for discipline!

Then, within a few minutes, my husband said that our daughter had just learned how to hold her sippy cup up for herself to drink from it. (This really was an issue with our daughter not knowing how to release the bottle from her chest to drink. A learned behavior from being given bottles while in the crib, at the orphanage, for her first year of life.) Father in law said "well, you need to let her do more for herself so she can learn to be independent". By this time, I'm ready to just pack up and go home. But, I sat there biting my tongue while my husband tried to explain to his parents about our daughter's bottle gripping issues.

The thing is, we've heard their advice many times, and given them the same explanations. They just don't get it. And they are constantly comparing our daughter to other babies. I have limited the number of visits we have with the in-laws, both for my sanity, and to limit their inappropriate behavior with our baby.

I think my main problem is just dealing with them in general, especially now that we have a child. As I said before, they are very kind to me, and I have always been to them. I've tried to talk with my husband about how I feel, but he tells me I just have to get used to it. We also discuss how he is calous to the things his parents say and do, because he grew up in that environment, and it's very normal to him. I know that as a Christian, God instructs me not to have the sort of feelings that I do toward my husband's parents. I need to figure out a good way to cope with them during the next few years, and just let their comments and "advice" go in one ear and right out the other. If at all possible, I'll continue to limit how much time we spend with them. Can anyone give me any other advice? I laid awake for two hours, in the middle of the night, just frustrated about all of it. I can't let the unusual personalities of my in-laws take away from my joy as mother to a wonderful and beautiful little girl. Thanks for any advice.

[LadyBugz]

Tigger,

I sent you a PM.

[dspakowsky]

That sounds like a tough situation. Even if you just gave birth to a child, it can be difficult to get advice from people all the time. It sounds like youre doing a great job informing your family of how it's going to be. It's great you've learned what will be best for your child and applied it.

Hopefully things will smooth out some as everyine gets accustomed to their new roles. Blessings!

[k8c]

Hi, Tigger.

I'm afraid I don't have any real advice for you. I think you are doing an excellent job of dealing with your in-laws. It must be so difficult to feel like you're talking to the wall. Perhaps your in-laws thought attachment parenting would be over by now? (I know it sounds crazy...I'm just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.)

I was encouraged to hear that your husband was speaking up in defense of your (communal your) parenting decisions. Did you tell him how much that helped?

I can't think of much to do that you're not already doing. Maybe instead of explaining everything all over again when issues arise, you can just give them a knowing glance (like they're in on it, part of the team, valued and wise) and say, "Attachment issues". Maybe then they'll feel like they are valued and can help rather than feeling left out. Oh--is there another way they can help? Can they come over and help the family by doing laundry, making supper, etc. that wouldn't interfere with your bonding? Maybe that would make them feel needed. Maybe they feel uncomfortable at the role reversal--usually grandparents have wisdom to share but they know less than you do about adoption.

Pray, talk to them and your husband, limit your time there, pray some more... Who knows what lessons will be learned and by whom through this!

I'm 36 and single (never thought that would be the case...) and hoping to adopt from Russia. While I will face MANY challenges that you have not, I won't have in-laws to wrestle with.

Praying for you,
Kate

[MissyB9479]

Sometimes when our parents see us raising our children differently then they raised us they feel slightly offended. I do foster care and spanking is not allowed at all! But still my in-laws get their backs up when I use time out. They point out that they used spanking and their kids turned out okay. I used to get so upset at that suggestion until I realized they weren't as much telling me that I should spank but justifying the fact that they had used it. Now when they offer that type of advice I just say, "Isn't it interesting how there is no one right way to parent, it all depends on the needs of the particular child" and it seems to really help. It allows me to justify why I am doing the parenting things that I am doing while, at the same time, lets them know that I don't think that what they did was wrong.

[Jensboys]

I said no, and reminded her that we are not starting potty training until she is two,

No real advice about anything else because I think you are on the right track -- but I wanted to tell you that (after having 4 kids!!) that this line made me chuckle. Age 2 is by no means "delaying" potty training!!! I will still be chuckling when you come back and ask if she should be out of diapers by 36 or 40 months old

[blessedbybug]

Ah, the MIL... it sounds like you are handling it just right, all of it. IMO, you hit it right on the nose ... "they just don't get it". Not their fault, really, although I think they should work harder to understand but sometimes what worked for them should be what works for everyone else, right?? Ugh...

We have struggled with these kind of misunderstandings early on as well. Our DD was adopted as a newborn and still we were very careful that we did all the care for her the first several months in order to help bonding (for her and for us!)

I have one of those MILS (with a DH who thinks she can't do anything wrong and DH and I have had some of the very same conversations you describe) ... I have learned to love her the way she is, but not feel the need for her approval, because it was eating me alive to want her to agree with me. We're very different people with different outlooks on life and parenting. I also didn't allow her to care for my DD on her own either.

Praying for patience and grace in these situations...