[naominoel]

My husband and I lost our first child in August at 11 weeks along, and my due date is coming up on the 20th of February. When we decided to adopt I was thrilled that we would finally be parents, and the process has moved extremely quickly in our adoption. I'm just struggling though because my due date is coming up and I'm finding myself having a difficult time allowing myself to get excited about the girls we're adopting (a newborn and a 4 year old from Africa). Maybe its just that my grief is still raw (and pronounced because of my due date), but I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this or has thoughts. I want so much to feel excitement about our 2 girls we'll bring home, but in the excitement, sometimes I feel like people forgot or are forgetting our baby we lost. Its like the joy is bringing up pain and disappointment. I have a shower in 3 weeks, just 5 days after my due date and I'm afraid I won't want to celebrate (because I do want to celebrate our adoptions). I'm just afraid it will be too hard. Any thoughts?

[ManyTimesBlessed]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to tell you that what you are feeling is normal. We decided to adopt and actually knew who our child would be, but I still spent some time after that mourning the birth child that I thought we would have. I wanted the child we are adopting very, very much, but I still grieved the loss of having a pregnancy and getting to know my child from the very first day of his/her life.

Don't be too hard on yourself about grieving the loss of your baby. Just because you are sad doesn't mean that you don't love the children you are adopting.

I'm not sure what you should do about the shower. I suppose it's too late to have it moved a few weeks later? I wonder if you also may feel some closure after your due date passes. Maybe it will be a little easier then.

I am so sorry for you loss. I just said a prayer for you that God would give you comfort and help you find peace.

Sincerely,
Rachel

[cocomfs]

When we went through our training for our adoption, they really emphisized how important it was to mourn that biological child that you would not be having. To picture it and think about it and then say goodbye to it. It has been difficult, but I never was able to even get pregnant so my lose was different than yours.
I think you need to mourn and don't feel guilty about it. I think that the excitement for your 2 girls will come.

[Aaronsmommy03]

HI!! I just wanted to reply to your post and let you know that your feelings are completely normal. I too was in a similiar situation. My husband and I tried for 8 years to have a baby and had 3 pregnancy losses. I still think about the "what might have been" scenarios in my mind. But things did change for me after the adoption of our first son. If we had not gone through all of the pain we would have never had the joy of our bright, beautiful son. And then because of our experience adopting him, we were chosen to foster/ adopt our daughter. So I guess what I am trying to say is grieve for your loss, but also look at it like this is what you were meant to do....you were meant to be a mommy to these 2 girls. Your excitement will come. I wish you luck and enjoy your new adventure.

[4baby02]

Today has been my "rough" day! I have wondered if it was normal to be sad but happy at the same time! I was going through photos for our profile and found some from last year a few days before my miscarriage.

I know God has opened this door for us to adopt a precious baby and don't want my sadness to be taken the wrong way by my friends/family.

[naominoel]

Thanks for your responses to my question. Grief and joy come in such waves. That's one of the things I'm learning through this process. One day I can be elated to bring my girls home (our adopted girls), and the next day my grief comes up over the little one I lost. Its hard sometimes allowing both to coexist, but that's what I have to do. I have to allow my excitement to surface my grief, and my grief to add to my excitement. Its easier to write about that than it is to really allow that to happen and to have to feel it all. Sometimes grieving feels dishonoring to my adoptive girls that I'm preparing for, and my excitement feels at times like I've forgotten (or other people have forgotten) our baby we lost. But I know that neither are true. A friend said to me recently that our two babies we're bringing home both lost a mommy and a daddy and you lost a child. You have more in common in your grief than you know. We've all experienced a deep loss and that is some of what will connect us. I thought that was wise! Today is a good day. I'm planning for my girls and having fun buying them clothes and painting their rooms. What a roller coaster life can be sometimes!

[jen1mac]

Don't be hard on yourself. You should grieve because that was your baby you lost and God gives us that grieving period to heal us. I don't think you will ever completely get over losing your child but you will continue to heal esp. with your adoption but you will still feel sad over your loss. I had a miscarriage for our 1st and then had 3 bio children. Our 3rd daughter had a terminal illness and died at 10 months old. That was 3 years ago for her and 9 years ago for my miscarriage and I still feel a loss for both of them even though we have adopted 2 more daughters. Allow yourself time to grieve and don't feel guilty or bad. I think you can do both grieve and rejoice over your other kids you are adding to your family.

[mom81lea]

I just wanted to add my voice to all the others here saying that it's really ok to grieve the loss of a bio. Child even while you are waiting for the arrival of your two little ones. My husband and I lost a little boy in 2003 at 14 weeks and then another little boy, Luke, in 2004 after 4 hours of life. I know that I have grieved for my precious babys alot since then and that's ok. I have two little figurines that I keep out on top of our entertainment center where they are easily seen that are dedicated to my boys. Next to them are little cards saying the date and time of their deaths and then the words, we loved you all your life. For some reason those things help me, because anyone who is over at my house sees them and often ask about them. That way I feel like they are remembered. I have been so blessed in the last year with the birth of our son Graham who is healthy and wonderful, but I know that there were even times durring my pregnancy that I grieved for Luke and Moses. You can feel that grief wether the child you are expecting is biological or adopted. Perhaps, if the person throwing you the shower was ok with it, ask if everyone there would pause with you to pray thanking the Lord for this wonderful opportunity to become a mom after the loss of your baby, or something like that. In that way your bio baby is remembered in a respectfull way at the begining of the shower and you can the enjoy being with friends and family knowing that they know of your grief and respect it. Anyway, it's just an idea, but I really hope that this experience is a blessing for you. I'll be praying. God bless------Leah

[mj77]

You've got a lot going on. Adoption in and of itself is very emotional. It can cause a variety of different emotions, but put the loss of your baby in the mix and YES, anyone, I imagine would be grieving. You take it one day at a time. The Lord will take your hand and guide you. You don't have to be strong right now. It's okay to grieve and then plan for your new family.

In my prayers,
MJ

[Waiting4OURBOY]

I just loved your comment about not wanting to forget about the miscarriage. We had our precious son pass away in May of '05 when he was just 4 days old. We had also had a very early miscarriage the previous June. The due date for the first preg. was Feb. 11th. I still think about even this year when he or she would have been 1. Also, everyone is so excited about the adoption, that I sometimes feel bad like I am forgetting about my precious son. I have learned special ways to grieve and honor his memory. I lead an elementary school choir and at our December concert, we sang a special song and I dedicated it in memory of my son. It was my special way of not forgetting about him. I have now learned that it is ok to be happy and to still grieve my loss. Just wanted to share.

[mom81lea]

Hey Naominoel,
How did the shower go? How is your heart after your due date came? I have been praying for you and I will continue to do so. I pray that the Lord gives you a peace and joy that you are just overwhelmed with. Just wondering how you were. God bless----Leah

[Maggie Beth]

Originally Posted by naominoel

My husband and I lost our first child in August at 11 weeks along, and my due date is coming up on the 20th of February. When we decided to adopt I was thrilled that we would finally be parents, and the process has moved extremely quickly in our adoption. I'm just struggling though because my due date is coming up and I'm finding myself having a difficult time allowing myself to get excited about the girls we're adopting (a newborn and a 4 year old from Africa). Maybe its just that my grief is still raw (and pronounced because of my due date), but I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this or has thoughts. I want so much to feel excitement about our 2 girls we'll bring home, but in the excitement, sometimes I feel like people forgot or are forgetting our baby we lost. Its like the joy is bringing up pain and disappointment. I have a shower in 3 weeks, just 5 days after my due date and I'm afraid I won't want to celebrate (because I do want to celebrate our adoptions). I'm just afraid it will be too hard. Any thoughts?

We picked up our son from Guatemala exactly one year to the day from one of my miscarriages... I felt like our child in heaven was blessing our relationship with our new son. Let God walk with you through your pain... our pain can be a gift, because it reminds us of the love and excitement a new relationship can bring. I will be praying for you...