[Jere 29:11]

We are just beginning the adoption process. We would like to adopt a school age girl, 5-9 yrs old. We have read so much information on the internet that it's overwhelming and we don't feel any closer to knowing what to do. Should we meet with an agency that handles US and int'l adoption? Any words of wisdom or experiences you could share in adopting an older child, domestic vs. international? Thanks so much for your help!

[tobeafamily]

Hi,

It's highly unlikely that you'll find a situation involvind a 5-9 year old in domestic parental placement (AKA "private" adoption) so I'm assuming you're referring to domestic waiting child/foster care adoption?

Regina

[Linny]

I would guess too, that you are talking about adopting an older child from the system. Please educate yourselves thoroughly before undertaking such a challenge. It is not like adopting an infant in regards to the way you can parent, and certainly realize that they come with varying degrees of issues to deal with.
I would start by getting an opinion from your local Human Resources Dept...or your DCFS or DSS...whichever name is used in your state.
We have done international, through the system (older children), and private, transracially infant adoption. We would not go back to older adoption again-----I never say 'never' anymore....but I can't imagine it.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Jere 29:11]

Thank you for your notes! Not only is this my first time in this forum, but also my first time in a chat room (do I sound "green"?). ) Yes, I meant to say the state system. We know that our hearts are pulling us toward a school aged child and not a baby right now. I've heard many horror stories about the system, but I've got to believe that things can turn out successfully too. This is a tough decision as we have no experiences to draw upon. Linny, did you adopt an older child internationally? I know every situation is different, but do you have an opinion on adopting internationally for an older child? I've read that in some Eastern European countries, like Bulgaria, they have privately run orphanages and "grannies" that work one-on-one with the children. This will be a good question for the agency we're checking out. I appreciate your comment on getting as much information as possible. Thanks again.

[JewelMarie]

I am in the process of adoption an older child, she is 9, through the state system. I would not say that everything is rosey, it comes with challenges but I would not turn back the clock. One of the main thing that anyone adopting children through the foster care system must do is research information, various special needs and equipt yourself with the skills to deal with everything, especially emotional and behavioural. These kids had a hard young life, even being in care, the unsurity of their life is unsettling. Can you remember a time when your own life was sort of scattered with all the changes in your life? Imagine having that for many years if not all your years. My daughter's life was tough and I can now see some of my battles ahead. I am fortunate to have taken some counselling courses and little workshops on how to listen and speak to children and teens. They courses are coming handy as I am using a lot of the skills to daily help my daughter sort through her emotions (and mine too).
I guess that I would lean more towards domestic adoption for older children right now; however given a time that I had the funds to do international adoption, I would do it for a child between 5-9. These kids lives are more of a urgent physical need(life or death kind of situation) verses domestic which is more emotional/behaviour and yes some physical.

Hope this makes sense.
Jewel

[Jere 29:11]

Thank you for sharing Jewel. We went to an international information meeting last night. I can see that we'll need to spend much more time on our knees before making any decision. I know that God will bless you and your family for your commitment. Have a wonderful day!
Sally

[spaypets]

There are a number of issues that you should consider if you are contemplating an older child international adoption. If the child has been in an institution since infancy, there may be issues of neglect and attachment that would require therapy. If the child has been removed from his or her home for abuse or neglect you would likely see many of the same behaviors that you would see in a child from the domestic foster system. Compounding those problems would be language and cultural differences.

Adopting from the state foster system would likely give you a better history and records of the child's life and you might qualify for continuing state subsidy to deal with the residual issues stemming from their previous abuse, neglect and loss of family. You will likely be on your own for getting your child help if you adopt internationally.

[Jere 29:11]

Will we be able to know if the child was recently put into the orphanage? Will they honestly share background information with us? So many things to pray about. I'll be sharing all of your comments will my husband. Thanks again.
Sally

[HappyMomAnna]

First of all adopting an older child is a very unique situation and everything depends on the child and the family adopting.... Our daughter was five when placed and is now 7. The one thing I can say for sure is that we have had tons of support with the state and been provided so many services that I can hardly imagine life without this assistance.

We have not adopted internationally so I cannot be sure if everything I say is 100% true but I will point out a few ways going through the state has made our life just a little easier.....

First of All: There are no (or very little) costs to adopt through the state....It can take a little longer but there are no huge bills--and no traveling to another place...So financially there is a great Plus--and not traveling is a personal thing--I don't like to travel--you might

Second: Most states will classify a child over the age of five (usually 3) as "Special Needs" and this means that EVEN AFTER the adoption is final you--the parents--will be entitled to an Adoption Subsidy to insure that any help your child needs (or your family) is covered at least enough to where you get the services needed instead of living with a difficult situation. Also "Special Needs" adoption are entitled to the FULL IRS adoption tax credit of over $10.000 automatically reguardless of any cost to you.

Third: Most children who have ever been in Foster Care will continue to recieve the medical coverage as secondairy covereage after the adoption. Which means that adding the child to your policy and having the provided covereage generally means families have very low out of pocket costs for medical care until the child is 18.

Fourth: If you are faced with difficult situations there are most often support groups, and services to help you as the parents. Once a family has been trained in the States foster Parent program they can attend other classes during the future usually at very low or no cost. Some of us who never thought we would need this have found it to be very helpful.

Fifth: If the WORST things on earth happened and for some HORRIBLE reason your family found themselves in a situation where--a child is just not going to fit--or there is danger --as HARD as it is the State will help (even if it does not feel this way) and services will be provided and everyone will try to make a good decision for the child...
While it does not happen often there are 'stories' of families who have adopted children from other countries--and not been able to parent these children...and these children end up in the US Foster Care (yes, some would argue this is better then what the child had in thier own country--but, really no one wants to see this happen as it has a possible negative effect on international adoption.)

As I sit here and think over the past two years while I wait for my daughter to get home from the Day Treatment program which only accepts state medical insurance and which we only have because we adopted her from Foster Care I am glad we went this route....

Add to this the fact that there would be cultral and possibly language differences.

I think each of us need to decide what path works well in our own life.... I don't think there is one right way--I will say that my input here is slanted as I do encourage people considering older children to consider those children living down the street....

[spaypets]

Originally Posted by Jere 29:11

Will we be able to know if the child was recently put into the orphanage? Will they honestly share background information with us? So many things to pray about. I'll be sharing all of your comments will my husband. Thanks again.
Sally

It probably depends on the country. When we adopted my daughter (she was only 18 months old) from India we were told why she was placed in the orphanage and at what age. We have no reason to doubt the story.

[DianeScraps]

Many good points have already been made. Among them I would add one of the reasons we chose domestic adoption through the state system is the lack of language barriers.

My husband and I don't speak another language, and I know my school system is not prepared to handle a child who does not speak English.

Best of luck to you

Diane

[Jere 29:11]

Wow, you've all answered so many questions that were on my mind. I truly appreciate your openness. My heart is so torn. On one hand, there are many children in the U.S. foster care system looking for homes - there is the low cost, great assistance and no language/cultural barriers. On the other hand, the plight of children in Eastern Europe seems so desperate. Yet, could our family honestly handle the situations that might arise because of that - unknown history, language assistance in school, cultural differences, etc. Before we started this process, I never imagined that this decision would be so difficult. I pray that God will make His plans for our family clear to us. It's such a blessing that we can share our experiences with people we've never even met. Thank you again for sharing yours with us.

Sally

[spaypets]

I'm curious as to why you have focused on Eastern Europe. There are countries where English is more commonly spoken and there might be a chance that the child you are adopting has at least been exposed to English. India, for example, does the business of government in English, so it's theoretically possible that an older child has some exposure to English.

There are also countries where the children are literally orphans (both parents dead). AIDS has decimated families in Africa. I believe some of these orphanages take care to teach English to the children. But I do not know this for sure and would recommend looking into it further.

[allanacw]

We're in the midst of going through a domestic adoption of a 5 year old girl.

We really wanted an older child or sibling group, as well. Babies are wonderful, and there are a lot of people out there who are very suited for it. But as silly as it sounds, we really wanted the child to be in school, be able to dress themselves, tie their shoes and write their names. S is a little younger than we would have chosen, but she's wonderful!

We also looked at international adoption, but felt that between the language barriers and the fees, it just wasn't viable for us at the time. We may consider it later on, but it just didn't "feel right". After a lot of prayer we decided to go domestic. While the waiting period seemed long at first, we came around and were excited about really making the most of that time. Sure enough, His plan was different...she was placed in our home as a foster child (we don't have our homestudy done) 3 months after we applied.

Sure, there are some really rough days, but there are with any kids. But they get fewer and far between. The support we've gotten from Children's Aid (we're in Ontario) has been so, so wonderful. I couldn't imagine not having them to turn to.

Allana

[Jere 29:11]

Spaypets - I'm not sure why we're looking at E. Europe. It was the first thing that came to both of our minds. We still haven't made a country decision.

Allana - We're practically neighbors (Wisconsin)! I really enjoyed reading your post. It gave me a feeling of peace. We are thinking more strongly about domestic adoption too. I hope the local support will be as strong for us too. My husband may be changing jobs at his company in the near future, which could lead to a move for us too. I can't wait to see what His plan for us will be!

Sally