[garjams]

Ok.... I feel immature bringing this up, but here it goes.
We are all having some issues with my son's birthmother. And I won't get into it all right now. But because of these issues we have not sent her any pictures for 10 months. She finally said something about it, accused us of reasons that are not even us. But we felt that despite her problems, and games with us, that we would go ahead and send pictures to her again. We did that. And, it takes a lot of effort on my part to do that for her (for reasons that are too long to get into right now) and we were wondering if she even received them and finally she sent an email to say thanks for the pictures, etc. But what I want is to hear her comments about the pictures I took for her and what we told her about our son, some big things and some very very cute pictures and nothing in detail from her.
She used too. But now I felt that sending those was just something that she took as "ha ha, I got what I want, so, oh yea, thanks, bye"....
I know I shouldn't let this get to me, but it sure does!
I don't want to dish out sweet morsels of my son's life to a stranger and have her say nothing about them! We wrote details about every single picture (25 of them) PLUS wrote a 2 page update on his life from January on!
OK..... I hope I"m making sense.... am I?

[JewelMarie]

hmmm, I need to carefully think of how to respond to you.

First, please know that I don't know the full story and don't need to, but take what I say with a grain of salt.

1. Birthmothers and others go through a transition. For some it happens quickly while for others it takes a long time. The shock may not wear off for a while. It sounds like this birth mom is going through some of her own emotional issues and grief. I know she would appreciate the pictures even though she does not repond to them in verbal written words. There are times that they don't know what to say. Memories are a hard thing to let go of and be reminded of.

2. You are doing what you agreed to do, to send picture. Yes, your son is adopted, but he will always have a piece of him out there, his birth parents and family. There are moments as adoptive parents that we want to be the only important person/ parent in that child's life. However, it is important for us to realize that the child came to us with a history; generations of history attached to them, whether they know of it or not. We as adoptive parents not only have to acknowledge this fact but be willing and prepared that some day that child's history may resurface and become a part of the child's life.

3. You are not sending pictures to a stranger; yes it may feel that way, but it is important for you to examine your own emotions to figure out why you are feeling that way. Your feelings are valid and real for you; this is an emotional time for you and perhaps you are feeling like you don't want to share all of this, or want some acknowledgement for all that you are doing. Whatever the feeling, it is important to examine and resolve.

I think that I will end here. I am proud of you for sharing your son memories with his birthmom even though this is hard for you. Know that you have and will continue to do well. The birthmom may not be responsive as you wish her to be, but think about the bigger picture; one day your son will know of your effort and time to keep his birthmom informed.

Blessings and peace on yoru journey,

Jewel

[garjams]

OH thank you so much for your reply!! If only I could sum up 5 years, but I can't.
She's a "stranger" because she has made herself that through circumstances in the past 4 years.

She got pregnant again by the same birthfather 5 months later....had another son, she wanted to adopt him to us, told us she was going too, but wanted to say her goodbyes to him for a certain amount of time (like a week)... then that lead to almost 10 months later. During those 10 months we really backed off in communication with her because she did. We followed her lead. We didn't want to pressure her in any way, this decision was hers alone. ANd we didn't want her to think that our communication was soley because we wanted our son's brother.

She called us about every two weeks to let us know that she was still unsure, and everytime we would say to her to just let us know if she is going to keep and raise him, but she insisted that she was unsure. She even called and talked to our attorney, and even had the birthfather served

After 10 months of this, we saw her in person and asked her one more time what was going on with her decision and her reply was, "I'm doing what I've said all along, I'm keeping him unless something wild happens."

That shocked us and also came as a surprise to her entire family. ANd with the way she handled everything with us was very hurtful...but we forgave her and moved on, but something was different after that.

She started not being as communicative with us and then we would get this email from her that enclosed an article on how open adoption should be the adopted child spending the night with the birthmom and her children etc, and she would ask us what we thought of these articles, so we would reply with our open hearts in depth and then never hear from her again, until another article a few months later. This was hard because she would ask us to pour our hearts out and we would ask her back what she thought and "poof" she would dissappear for a couple of months and the scenerio continued until her Dad called us and said to stop replying with our hearts to her because she'll never respond back to you in depth anymore. She has guilt for not doing right by her second son and adopting him to us. Which I still don't understand fully, that little guy is 4 years old now.

Before this second child was born her and I were so very close. We were open about everything in our lives to each other. It was an unusual relationship between adoptivemom and birthmom. We were blessed. She's my peer, she's now in her 30's and was 29 when our son was born. So she's not a teenager, otherwise I would just write all this stuff off as teenager games.

Our son, who is now 5 asks alot about his adoption. He's a pretty smart kid. He wants pictures of her and his brother. I called her last march to ask her about those and she said she didn't think it was in his best interest to have them. I told her that she entrusted that best interest to us and we wouldn't jeapordize him in any way and he has asked for them. Of course that was after talking to her for 2 hours and trying to convince her why it is for his good to know these things and see these people where he came from! Especially his full blooded brother who they are only 14 months apart! We never received any pictures.

2 years ago, we discussed our "open" adoption, because she missed a couple of visits, etc. and didn't send pictures when she said she was going too. So in this discussion we decided to write out questions for her, to make it so simple for her. Example: How many pictures would you want? when? visits? would you be willing to send pictures of you and your family? if not why?, etc..very simple. She said she liked the simpleness of it and would get back to us within the month, that was 2 years ago. And a few times since we would get an email from her that says, "well, I'm not sure where we are all at in this open adoption..and where we go from here..." My husband and I are like, "is she wacko?" She knows we're waiting for her response! The last she brought it up was in our conversation in March....she said, "I know I know... I get busy and I forget and I'm a perfectionist and I'll get to it"
AGH... that's all we ever here...."I'll get to it" but she never does!

We were surprised that on our son's 5th birthday she called and left a message with her kept son singing a song to his brother! My son heard it and LOVED it and wanted to call them, we thought the door was opened so we let him, she didn't answer so he left a message and she has yet to call him back. THat ticked us off because he was really hurt that she never called him back and that he didn't get to talk to the "other little boy that came from her tummy". Nobody has ever hurt my son like that! OO, the mama bear came out in me and I wanted to give her a piece of my mind! But I didn't. But I thought how interesting that the one that has hurt him the most is the one that brought him into this world with so much love.

I emailed her and told her that he was upset that she didnt' call him back and she said, "oh my gosh, really? ok... tell me when and where and I'll call him!" That was in August. Nothing since.

She sent him a birthday present, the first. And she made this card and spelled out his name and put sentences after each letter like J is for.... Which was very very sweet and I'm keeping it, I keep everything that has to do with her for him. Well she said O is for OPEN and that's what we are. We didn't even read that to our son, because she has been closed to him, she won't send hiim pictures, etc.

I mentioned the pictures to her in a recent email and she said that she doesn't know if she'll ever feel comfortable sending us the pictures that we're asking for. (my son is asking, not me) I'm just the messenger on his behalf. I think she might have a weird thing that she doesn't want "me" to see pictures of her kept son and I don't understand that clearly.

OH MY... there is SO MUCH MORE....but you're probably wishing you didn't reply to this one.. LOL.
By the way,,, I love all 3 of my son's heritages. I find it SO important to them that I seek and seek and search and ask and ask and beg and beg for the information and pictures from this birthmom and I do it all for the benefit of our son. But for some reason she is witholding this "good" from him.

Thank you for reading this whole thing....
Blessings!!

[Brat]

Thanks for sharing your circumstances. Just wanted to let you know that I heard you and I don't judge you for being upset. Of course, you are thinking of your child first--that's what mothers do. I guess I will never understand what it is like to be able to give birth, and yet struggle with whether it's the right thing to keep my child. I don't know that desperation. I thought it was bad enough not being able to give birth. The flipside seems just as horrible, for some birthmoms. She knows you can take care of her child, and in fact are taking care of her other one. You may always represent what she feels is her inadequacy, she may always feel jealousy, she may always feel a need to put you in your place. But you don't have to own her struggle--just realize where it's coming from, find your peace with it, and protect your son. She doesn't know what she wants, and the fact is she may never. Know what you want and what is best for your son and go from there. No arrangement can truly fill the void; all of her articles and accusations re: openness have little to do with you, and everything to do with her trying to find her peace.

If it were me, for my child's sake, I'd send the pictures I promised. I wouldn't go all out and spend 15 hours on it. That was sweet of you to do, but she didn't ask for all of that. Just pictures. Sounds like it might be better to share what you feel comfortable sharing, keep it simple, and be pleasantly surprised if you get a response. I'd also make sure she always knew how to reach you and your son, but I wouldn't put him in the position of being directly disappointed continuously, of having his expectations too high. If you can't find a way around the intermittent contact, I think would at least try to explain that she's hurting because she misses him, and that's why she isn't as consistent. Without making her look bad, I'd explain that sometimes adults don't always do what they say, but that doesn't mean they don't love you.

Follow your heart. God will give you wisdom if you ask. Prayer works, so pray for your family's relationship with her with the expectation that God can heal it.

[79nic]

garjams,

(Hugs).

I am sorry you are going through this.

Your son's birthmother is apparently not keeping up her end of the open adoption agreement. This must be heart-breaking for you. If you both came to a mutual agreement, she should honor it. You have every right to feel betrayed.

I think Brat's post was right on. Think about your son first. Decide in your heart what is best for him.

Sending pics is not likely to hurt him. And if, someday, his bmom comes to peace and establishes a consistent relationship with him, it might mean a lot to him to know that you have been keeping the door open to make that possible.

But don't kill yourself, either. You don't need to go above and beyond. Just send some pics, no need to write updates on each one.... don't stress yourself out and take on her issues (whatever they may be). There is nothing you can do... much as we'd like to sometimes, I don't think there's really any way to control another person's behavior and feelings. (If you figure out a way, lemme know, I've got a hubby who I'd love to have WILLINGLY take out trash every week!)

Anyway, I will be thinking about you and hoping this all works out. That whatever happens, you feel a bit more peace and less frustration than you do now.

Nicole

[faithful]

There is a verse in the Bible, of course, i forget where, but it talks about doing all things NOT as unto men but unto God. I try really hard to remember that when I am showing love (in grand and small ways) I am really just doing it to and for my Lord. If there is any way you can say to yourself not only are you doing it for your son, but you are doing it because Christ calls us to love and so it is for Him, not the birthmother.

It's so hard, though and I completely understand! Hang in there, sister!

[tobeafamily]

First, I am so sorry for your pain. As another amom in a fully open adoption, I can relate to some of it. While Ryan's bfamily remains committed to him and us, it is hard when the first pictures I have of his brother (born 16 months after, parented by his biological family) are the ones I took on our visit. That we send gifts that are never reciprocated. That 2/3 of the time we call, not them even when we send phone cards.

They love him, as much as they love everyone else in the family. They're just not able to be his anchor. That's why they found us. Does that make sense?

My heart hurts most for your son. It may be time to help him accept that his bfamily, while in their core love him, don't 'have it all together' to be there for him. His bmom may be struggling with feelings of guilt for not parenting him but parenting his sibling, feelings of inadequacy - her parenting comparing to yours, a whole host of things. Doesn't excuse the behavior, only maybe helps explain.

So help him to see that while she may not be reliable, she is part of what makes him so wonderful. Also show him the value in doing what you say you do, regardless of the reaction - send letters and pictures as agreed, continue to keep that door open, etc. He'll see and learn from you that keeping your word is most important when it's hard to do.

Then vent places like here (I've found that if you do like you did and start with "This is a vent" it helps people understand & respond). Even though shouting at the wind doesn't do a whole lot to change things, it sure does feel good sometimes.

Hugs,

Regina

[garjams]

you all have been such a HUGE encouragment to me today!!!!!!!! Wow, thank you! thank you!
I will write more later but for now I wanted to quickly let you know that she responded to my last email, which was answering her questions more in depth about my son's daily schedule, dislikes, etc. BUT, it wasn't suppose to come to me.... all it said was, "interesting....curious to know what you think"
And then it was a copy of my email.
So she meant to forward my email to someone else but accidently forwarded to me. Which I find kind of funny, because she's caught in some immature game that she's playing.
But what I want to know is what did she find so interesting in my email that she had to forward it to somebody and to whom??? I'm going to email her back and let her know "OOPS, you sent it to the wrong person.." and ask who she was sending it too.. Is that an ok thing to ask where my letter is going?
Anyway..... now I find THAT interesting. What do you all think?
Hmmmm.... See?? stuff like this, even though this was a "spoof" which I think is kind of funny.
Wendy

[tobeafamily]

OK I can see how something like that could make an amom paranoid.

Could she be forwarding it to, say, her mom, with the 'question' between them being 'how much is he like me when I was his age?' or something like that?

rather than "Are they taking good care of him?" or another negative implication.

Not sure. If it were me, I'd send it back with a response. "I agree, life with "D" is interesting! I think it's marvelous, though. How about you? I'm curious to hear what you think?"

I'd worry less about who she was forwarding it to, because, really, what does that get you? She may explain what happened, she may not.

Does this help?

Regina

[DeNaJa]

This is just my opinon, but I agree with Brat about keeping it simple. I get doubles when I develope film and mail out various amounts of pix every few weeks or so. I send cards for Christmas etc and update letters and emails. I love my daughter's birth mom and genuinely want the best for her. I do not ask her a lot of questions (other than rhetorical) because I don't want her to feel obligated to keep in contact with me if she doesn't want to...or doesn't want to at the time. It seems to me you feel as if you are losing someone who valued as a friend. She has turned out to be someone who acts in ways you didn't expect and you do not like how she is now...but you remember how much you liked who she was...or who you thought she was. God brings people into our lives for a time...some are for moments to accomplish something. Some are for months or even years, but then drift away. Others have staying power and last a lifetime. It sounds as if you want more of a relationship than she wants. She may be having trouble with this whole set up and jsut cannot figure out what to do. She seems as if she is pulling away and you are pulling her back. Let her go. This struggle to hold her and mold her into the type of person you wanted as a "birthmom" is only making you crazy and will end up hurting your son because she will continue to be unpredictible and inconsistant; making promises she doesn't keep to satisfy you. You want her to agree to things, she says ok, you take her at her word and she does what she really wants to do...nothing and you end up mad and hurt and your son ends up feeling hurt too. Just mail her pix, provide info and expect NOTHING. If she gets it together then welcome her, but do not smother her. Let her lead and you just don't expect a thing...you don't want your son to count on calls, cards, gifts, pictures, etc that may or may not come depending on her mood. About the pix, don't make them a deal. My daughter's birthmom said she would send pix and letters for my daughter to keep and read when she is older. That was several months ago. I told her when she suggested it that i thought is was a wonderful idea and I welcomed her to send them. I didn't tell my daughter about it! If they come, great. If not, that is sad, but my daughter's isn't checking the mail box and feeling sad with every day that passes without the promised letters and pix! She will never know about it.

Keep it up...this amom stuff is TOUGH! LOL!!! It is so hard to know what to do when you are dealing with unpredictible variables!

Good luck!