[Wilna]

We live in South Africa and have applied to adopt a white or coloured child. We have now been matched with a 4 month old coloured boy. We recieved photographs from the agency and find it very difficult to bond with the photos, because he looks so different from us. How do you know God's will in a situation like this. We have prayed for a child for the last 6 months and now, that we have been matched we doubt whether this is the child for us.

[ll_bay]

If you're worried about not bonding with the photo, then you can stop worrying. Many, many people don't bond with the photo, and it's considered perfectly normal. After all human relations are based on experiences, contact, a history together, not pieces of paper.

BUT, if you're worried that you won't be able to bond with a child of a different race, then please don't adopt a child of another race. No one will think less of you for it in the sense that it's MUCH more important to be honest with yourself and the child. People have turned down referrals before; it's hard, but it does happen and you will be matched with another child.

HTH

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

I don't know what is acceptable is South Africa, but here in the USA AA's don't like to be called "coloured." African American is much better.

Michelle

[Wilna]

Thank you for the responses. I am sorry if I have offended you Michelle, I should have said biracial.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Wilna,

No, you didn't offend me, I just didn't want you to get blasted for your choice of words.

After posting my response I realized how silly MY response was - African American would NOT be appropriate in South Africa LOL - sorry. You are right, bi-racial is more appropriate.

Good luck in your adoption search.

Michelle

[Wilna]

Thank you!

[Guspiv]

Hi Wilna,

I dont think that you should in anyway feel bad because you dont feel like you will be able to parent a child of a different race. It does not mean you dont love children or believe that every child deserves a home. It does not make you a bad person if you are not willing to take on the responsibility. You have to parent the child that you feel you will do a good job parenting.

As an African American I dont feel offended by your comments at all. Parenting a child that is different from you is more than just a notion. YOu have to be committed to expose that child to it's culture, deal with the negativity that you will face from the outside world and maybe your family. You have to be honest with youself and say "can I be the best parent I can be to this child". You can't guilt trip yourself into parenting this child. Again I repeat it does not make you a bad person.

[Wilna]

Thank you so much Guspiv. Please pray for us that we will know God's will in this situation. I appreciate your comments.

[frodorocks]

I read once that (probably on this board lol) that adoption shouln't be viewed as a replacement for a child that you can't have biologicaly.It is a seperate experince altogether.I suppose if looks are what will make a child feel like yours then this is not the child for you.I am a parent in a transracial adoption and am excited and thankfull to learn about my childs culture.I do think that it is a big responsability to make her feel a part of both worlds that she lives in.This has never been a factor in my love or acceptance of her as my child though.Good luck with your journey wichever path you choose.

[mj77]

Not everyone bonds instantly with a bchild, let alone an adopted child right away always. Sometimes it takes a bit of time. I wouldn't worry about not bonding with a photo. Keep walking until the Lord says stop. Do you find yourself feeling like it might be more difficult to bond with a child of a different color skin than yours because they will look so different--even if you are open to a bi-racial child? I know of a family who felt that way in the begining but after some transition time, the relationship defined more of the bond and color/race wasn't an issue.

[Guspiv]

Bottom line, I think it depends on the person(s). It really does. Transracial adotions work for a lot of people and it doesnt work for a lot of people.

[Wilna]

Thank you all for your concern and help. We were able to meet with the baby and we LOVE him!! We are going to pick him up on Tuesday and bring him home forever! Praise be to God for His faithfullness and goodness. Love, Wilna.

[ll_bay]

CONGRATULATIONS!

How wonderful to hear of another family being built!

Please keep us posted as to how it goes!