[mj77]

Hello,
I need some advice from any of you who've had open adoptions. If you've kept up on any of our story, you will know we have a foster son, baby boy (10mo.) who we love greatly and want to adopt. The paternal family might decide not to pursue adoption (even if they did, under circumstances, there is a good possibility we would be chosen to adopt).

Here is their situation: Baby's bfather is incarsarated for the next several years. The family seems nice, functioning, and they do everything together. They really want Baby to be a part of that. They would like regular visits with him and to be still concidered his relatives in every sense.

We don't have a problem with much of this. We don't really know these people that well so don't feel comfortable with as much of the contact as they might like. We would be okay with casual, small setting get-togethers every now and then as we feel comfortable or appropriate, but want our family to come first even if it means holidays are not spent with them but with our families.

An issue we have is in the fact we have an older son who is 3, also adopted. He does not have biological family. We are affraid of him being left out by Baby's family. They are aware of our fear, but I am still worried as we want Baby to have some contact with bfamily but don't want there to be hard feelings between the boys as brothers as they grow up. Am I making sense?

I guess this now comes to my big concern. As we have been on this roller-coaster for the last 5 mo. because the bfamily have not decided whether to pursue or not, will Baby ever feel like ours in the sense our first son does?

Keep in mind, these are state child welfare cases. Our first son's adoption is closed so we never even dealt with anything like this. Right now, the family only have the right to pursue or not. We don't have to have any agreement with them but choose to. If they choose not to purse, they will lose any rights to Baby (which they currently don't have anyway). If they choose to pursue, Baby will still stay in our home for several months to a year before we go to committee (training and home study take a long time) against the relative trying and based on everything I know and heard, have a likely chance of getting to keep him (assuming the relative even passes a home study).

I want to feel like Baby is ours without his bfamily constantly reminding us that he is not. They are still grieving the bfather being in prison and might always look at him as Baby's dad as "the father" rather than my dh. Any suggestions or advice?

[umullen]

god bless you for taking care of these boys...
you have alot to consider and you are right to consider your family first...
i am a birthmother currently seeking my son who is 20 years old. His adoption was private and closed... after reading your story, I would think that a closed adoption is the best option to relinquish all of your fears...If I would have stayed in my son's life while he was growing up, I believe that it may have confused and hurt him more emotionally than it would have benefited him...I decided to walk away and trust his new parents - strangers that I had never met...I can only pray now,that I did the right thing and that he was well taken care of and that I will be reassured of that soon...

I wish you the very best of luck and I hope that the bparents will allow you to raise and the nurture your child the way that a child deserves to be nurtured...


Take the very best of care...

Ursula Mullen (Johnson)(7/9/63)
ISO Patrick Thomas Mullen (7/23/84)
St Pete Florida, Bayfront Hospital
Attorney Charles Scully

[LoveRiddenDad]

I have four children and four open adoptions. It works for our family. I can't claim it will for you. I think a lot of this means redefining preconceived notions, like what makes a family.

My third child's bmother committed suicide a short while back. My fourth child's bmother can't be in her child's life right now for reasons I don't totally understand other than the sense of crippling loss on her end. The bmother of our first two is an angel. She's not only bmom to C and L, but a good "aunt" to her bchildren's siblings. I can't see much jealousy. The key for us is keeping everyone involved. It is about the formation of a family. Keep talking with the family. Keep telling them you want to be this child's family. Only keeping those lines of communication open can lead you to any true answers.

[bromanchik]

Like Ursula, I am a birthmother of a 20 year old. Unlike her I have been in a fully open adoption since my son was an infant. He has never been confused as to who his parents are. The role of a birthparent is not that of a parent. The bottom line is that he has never had to wonder if I love him. He knows by my actions. If he has questions, he asks. I volunteer information as it presents itself. He also has good relationships with my whole extended family.

His parents are a part of that extended family. My parents recently celebrated their 50th. It was a "small" family affair. Just my 5 siblings, their spouses and children, and my son's parents and their kids. My mom and dad include my son's parents and his sister in our family tree and vis versa. My son feels like he is a part of all of us, as he is.

Adopted children are only as confused as the adults around them. To be honest, I have seen more confusion in kids from closed adoptions because the do not have answers.

[Volfe]

Hey MJ

You might want to write down what you want out of this relationship, for relationship it will be...

Don't say I'm willing to do something if you are not. Perhaps a year or two after the event, when the relationship is on firm footing, then you can open it up to more...

So for instance write down:
Let's meet monthly in my house or at the park. with just the core family members (perhaps name them).

I do not want my son 'x' to feel he has less, I would want you to be like his family too, perhaps as aunts or surrogate b-family. He must not be excluded for that would hurt them both.

We will send updates and pics at these times.

Let's agree on how you all will be called, by name (or whatever endearing nickname you choose) is most common, but you will be birth family which is a special extended family.

On holidays, the family gatherings we have are really important to us, but we realize you and he will like to see each other on special family days, let's make the day before each holiday the day for us to get together. Or the night of... whichever (for my son's open adoption we often met after the morning or afternoon stuff if we weren't already spending that time with them).

~~~
Write everything down, read it for a few days and work out every detail so you are happy with it. Then present it to them and compromise if necessary. a well written plan will be the end result. It will give you control and them control. When he is older and wants to change things up, he will have al ittle control too.

I think that feeling in control of the relationships he has will make you feel fully like his parents. I also think that full openness is best for him, full access to the birthfamily... As for your other son, I think he will benefit too. He will know that birth family love the children that are adopted out.

But I guess MJ, it is a bit of a grief process (I've read) to accept that the adopted children are not 100% anyone's (except their own), they are part and parcel of 4 parents. We birth mothers have that grief, and aparents too. But it's much better later

Maia

[mj77]

Thank you all for your insight and opinions. It is a scary and confusing situation for us. Being we would be in the driver's seat as Baby's parents, I guess we need to really think more of what we are open to and not be so intimidated. The unknown is very scary to us--esspecially under the circumstances. The state is going to TPR their son if he doesn't relinquish. We are not talking about a man who has made good choices. Being the family whole heartedly want to know thier grandson/nephew, and seem safe at this point, I feel it's in Baby's best interest to have some openness. I still worry about our oldest. I wonder will he ever feel jealous of Baby that because he doesn't have birthfamily we can find? I hope like some of you have shared, he will be included and have a sense of bfamily loving them as adoptees.

The next step here is a young, single parent aunt has come forward wanting to try to adopt Baby. This has put a spin on things because while she goes through training (at least 4 months from now) and then her state home study (could easily be another 4 months due to back-ups), Baby will then be about 18 mo. and in our home still very bonded. It's difficult to not have hard feelings that she would want to drag it out, esspecially when the state has high doubts she will be concidered over us due to certain things. I understand she desperately wants to keep him in the family, but we will have some openness with them as long as we feel safe and it's in Baby's best interest. We hope she changes her mind as she's done before. The family have had 10mo. to decide whether or not to try to keep him. I don't want this all being delayed to drive a wedge between our families esspecially because we plan to take it to the end trying to keep him in our home if we have to. It all feels so awkward.

We really ask for prayers durring this time. We want to keep any promises we make, therefore, need to be careful of our wording. We also want to be able to see some of this from the families perspective so we aren't just looking at our own difficulties with all this. Most of all, we need to make the decisions that our best for our family with Baby in mind.

Thank you all again for your words.

[Volfe]

It is all so difficult! Hugs to you MJ.

I wanted to tell you a bit about my son and his sister... Her adoption is closed due to its being thru an agency. She is now 9 I think and her mom is very careful about not hurting her feelings. It is hard for her mom (IMO) to try to explain why her brother has an open adoption (its letters, calls, etc) and she doesn't. What are my birth parents like, she wants to know. All they have is non-ID info which is given out to the aparents by the agency. All she can tell her is non-ID stuff. She is the parent and I have no good advice for her. Heck, I ask her for advice, she is the mom I would have wanted for me!

My son wants to come visit, and I'd like to visit but not yet. (we've moved far apart years ago).. and frankly, I think it only fair that his sister be allowed to visit/ be involved/ equally. She needs to be a bit older I guess. We have seen her grow up in pictures. She has one of my mother's paintings on her wall. She is as close to equal in my heart as all my children! But she is her mother's child and I respect that too.

It is only fair that your two sons be treated equally by this birth family. Just as you will treat them fairly, if two sets of b parents were involved, I would expect similar stuff.

Hrm, I'm rambling... sorry...

I hope it all goes well. I know its tough... though only from talking to other aparents in your shoes, life is just good at being tough. Who knows, I wish you the best.

Me

[79nic]

mj,

(((Hugs))). What a scary process, facing the TPR and possibility of a kinship placement.... God bless you for accepting a legal-risk situation.

Just wanted to comment on something you said:

I still worry about our oldest. I wonder will he ever feel jealous of Baby that because he doesn't have birthfamily we can find?

He might feel jealous. Seems like a natural response. But if you DON'T keep the lines of communication open with your other child's bfamily, when you had the chance to, how will THAT child feel??? Seems to me whether you close or stay open, at least one child is going to have some pretty tough feelings to deal with.

I do agree that if you keep the adoption open, you should make it clear that you want your other son to be respected, too.

My bdaughter's parents have two adoptions: one fully open (that's with me), and one fully closed (not even a pic of the bmom, no letters/pics agreement... nothing. Bmom's choice.) They, too, worry a bit about how Maya (the daughter with the closed adoption) will feel seeing Marie (my bdaughter) grow up with bfamily contact, when she has none. Who knows how it'll play out... but in the end, they see no point in denying Marie the chance to have loving family members surround her, just on the chance that Maya might feel jealous....

In my experience, kids wonder about their bfamily, when they're in a closed adoption, no matter what... no matter if they have sibs with open adoptions or not...

I hope Maya does not feel jealous. I hope that, like another poster said, my involvement with Marie will only confirm to her that her own bmom probably loves her very much. To that end, my family and I make every effort to love Maya and treat her the same as Marie. My parents even refer to her as their grandchild, just as they do Marie.

Maya is not hard to love. She is a beautiful, happy little girl, full of energy and life. She smiles at you at the drop of a hat. Personally I've found that my life is enriched b/c of her. I love being Maya's "surrogate bmom" as much as I love being Marie's bmom.

I don't know if any of this helps... I know I'm rambling. Certainly it's not ideal for one child to have openness and another have closed. But to me, it seems that one open and one closed is FAR better than both closed. Marie and Maya both simply have more people in their lives to love them.

Nicole

[mj77]

Thank you all for your replies. They all have helped me much. I am still waiting to see if the aunt is still interested. I realized it would only be, at earliest, when baby is 18 mo. until we find out who gets to adopt him. He could be as old as 2!

God has given me so much the last few days to keep me going. He has provided me with wonderful friends and family (thank you esspecially Pedpets for letting me spill my heart to you nearly everyday) and this forum. He has also given me a good measure of peace and joy. God had a purpose for allowing Baby to be placed with that and I can't forget that.

What a roller-coaster! I can't say I would ever choose this rout again. I had no idea how costly it would be emotionally to so many people. But if in the end, if we get to keep Baby and be a family (hopefully maintaining some space from extended bfamily), it will have been worth it. If not, I have to believe God has a purpose and will carry us through.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

[pedpets]

My Dear Friend,

I promise, it's almost over!!! God will show you what is planned for this baby and your family. Remember God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle!!!

Your last msg surprised and touched my heart. It's my pleasure to be your friend. I'm always here to listen, and be a shoulder should you need one to cry on (that's what friends are for). I truly believe that baby will remain with you, and you will make it through all of this crazy mixed-up mess. Well, you already know how I feel.

One step/hurdle at a time!!!
I will keep praying for you all!

Hugs!!!
Virginia

[mj77]

Thanks a million Virginia, you are truly a God-send to me.

I just need to get used to the idea that there will be another family involved in Baby's life. Unlike with our first son who doesn't have bfamily around, I am out of my relm in this situation and feeling more insecure than I imagined I would.

Thanks again

[mj77]

The family gave their blessing on allowing us to adopt Baby. It sounds like it is somewhat contingent on our mediated legal agreement. They want us to be open to visits with them. I am not sure how this will all go since we don't want to be locked into a visit schedule but want to take things gradually to give time for a genuine relationship. Overall this is wonderful news though. I know that if God brought him this far He will continue to look out for what is best. Thank you all for your prayers. I know there are many more hurdles ahead to jump, but I can't tell you what a relief this news is for now.

Blessings to you all.
Melissa

[TaylorKluck]

Originally posted by bromanchik
Adopted children are only as confused as the adults around them. To be honest, I have seen more confusion in kids from closed adoptions because the do not have answers.

I agree. My adaughter has a loving relationship with her birthfamilies and does consider them family and them her. She is included in their family trees as born to her birthfamilies names then 'lovingly entered into'-our family name. Even my bioson is included in her birthfamily tree as 'loving brother of'.

mj77 - I think you need to tell the birthfamily members how much contact you're comfortable with. As much as you love your foster child, they love this child too and need to know what their role will be should you adopt this child. Birthfamily contact changes as children grow and their lives become busier. Just as we spend less time with most of our family members than we did when the children were younger, so do we spend less time with the birthfamilies. Phone calls, emails and little cards help fill the gap.

My older bioson is always remembered by my dd's birthfamilies on holidays. I did talk to dd's birthfamilies about helping the two children grow as siblings by recognizing my bioson, too. They totally understood and agreed.

[mj77]

Thank you Taylor. You are right. Thank you for reposting what bromanchik wrote because it is so true. We will be going to mediation with the family in the near future. In the meen time we will continue to feel out the cw as to what the family is wanting. She is aware of what we are hoping for as openness goes and am sure she has, in a round-about way conveyed this to the family. Thank you again.

[skootinalong2]

My 14 year old son knows and has contact with his birth mother. It was a difficult situation at first. He first came to live with us at 14 mos. old. He went back to B mom at 2 for 6 mos. Then back to us. It has been a hard road but worth it. He knows she loves him. He knows what she looks like. He knows his sibblings (with relitaves). He says he has two moms. We wanted to have contact with our 21mo. old b mom and grandma but they do not seem to want it. I send pictures and updates. I can only guess it is easier on her this way. I will be praying for you. It is a tough decision. There were times when I wished we didn't have contact because it was so hard but now I am grateful.