[amaz5]

I was wondering if this has happened to any of you. When our first two children came to us we sent out annoucements to our friends and families.
I sent announcements and then later invitations to a baby shower being thrown by my SIL to my closest friends. Of 15 invitations, only 3 responded and 2 showed up (the 3rd had to work). I never heard a single word from the other people who up to now I had thought of as close friends. I was very hurt.
I called one of them and she said she hadn't checked her mail until the day of the party and that's why she couldn't make it (the invites had been sent two weeks prior). But she hadn't even called or anything in response to the announcement which was sent even earlier.
I emailed another one who said her daughter got sick at the last minute and she wouldn't let her leave the house becuase she would start crying as soon as she went towards the door so she didn't come to the party. But she also did not respond to the announcement or anything. I had to contact them to get any sort of response.
I stopped calling or emailing after those two. To this day, nearly 7 months later, I have not heard from either in writing or on the phone, any of those friends I sent the invite and announcement to. Not a single word.
We moved and I sent them each a change of address card along with a small note saying how we missed them at the party, yada yada yada. NOTHING.
I feel betrayed and ignored by all of them. Am I the only one this has happened to?? I wasn't looking for gifts or anything but a simple acknowledgment or congrats would have been so very nice.

[ArmyWife55]

i am so sorry. while i cant relate to friends not showing up to a baby shower... i can relate in a way because i had 4 people out of about 20 invited show up to my bridal shower. also, for my wedding.. we had invited 300... 150 replied saying they would be coming and about 50 showed up. it really made me sad and in a way embarrassed. but you know what made me feel better? thinking about this:

the people who came are the people you know really care about you. now you know who you can count on. not saying that the people who didnt show up are bad people, but youll just know in the future not to expect much out of them.

would you rather have 20 people at your shower and none of them really care about you, or have 3 people show up and you know that they all care about you? i think id choose the latter.

with adoption showers, many people may feel awkward because some still have the old view that adoption is somehow a "second choice" or that we who choose to adopt are doing so because we are so desperate to have a child and that if we could choose, we would choose to have bio children only. they may feel awkward around you and not know what to say or how to act.
thats no excuse, but it might give you some insight.

again... im sorry your feelings were hurt.. but try to look at the positives in all of this. (((((hugs)))))

[qs mom]

Well, I do understand. June 1st, 2003 was the day of my adoption shower. I have 2 aunts and 5 cousins on my father's side of the family.

My aunts came. They said that my cousin was involved with Special Olympics and couldn't make it. I understand. My cousin is a special ed teacher ans has been involved with Special Olympics for 10-15 years. However, I don't really believe it. Every other year, they've done a news spot, didn't see one June 1st last year. So, it leads me to beleive it was a story.

I have been with my son 11 months, and have yet to hear from any of my cousins on my father's side of the family. Not a card, not a phone call, nothing.

So, as far as I'm concerned, who needs them. I don't. And neither does my son.

In fact, both my aunts came to my shower and brought a nice gift. However, they've never seen my son. So, really, what kind of family are they?

[michellemartin]

Try being the bmom in the hospital. I was being induced so I told my friends and family when I'd be there. Only one of my friends came, bless her for being there when I needed someone to keep me entertained. My sis stayed a whole 5 min before taking off, so I was so thankful my friend stayed for hours to talk to me. My bf's family-- no one bothered to come, call the hospital, or even to acknowledge she was born-- even after I came home. We sent out pics of her and us in the hospital anyway, but the only responses to those were from my mom- who really did have to work, but called in sick to at least be there for the delivery. Most of the nurses even avoided my room. They definitely stayed away unlike when I had Karma 6 yrs ago. Sometimes it seems like adoption is treated like the plauge...

Armywife,
just saw under your name you decided at 11 to adopt, well I decided at 12 I wanted a baby when I was 17 and to give any other child I had in adoption. Unrelated to this but I had to share, sorry.

[davisgaskin]

I can understand your feelings. We recentley adopted our 10 year old foster son. We had an adoption party for him and sent out 60 invitations equaling about 200 people. We recieved 15 responses and out of that 25 families/individuals came. Although it did hurt our feelings it was more of a shock that none of our friends came or responded at all. We had sent emails to everyone when the adoption was completed and a few weeks later sent out the invitations to the party. And none of our friends responded at either time. The party was about a month ago and since that time my friends won't even respond to phone calls or emails. I agree that alot of people treat adoption like a horrible disease. But this has been a great lesson for us most of the individuals who did come where other foster families and case workers ect. I think we never realized how important in our personal lives these people are. Until now it has felt like more of a work relationship not true friendship. We have started having foster/adoptive care play dates once a week for the kids (including activities for the teenagers) which gives us a good time to be with others in the same situation as us. I feel blessed that God has opened my eyes to see what great new friends are out there.

[Just Julie]

Even before the days when I knew much about adoption, I always thought of it as a "different but equal" way to bring kids into a family. I can't believe your friends are so insensitive. I've tried and can't think of any excuses for them. They couldn't ALL dislike parties! Well, keep on making new friends, educate whom you can, and enjoy your families. God bless.

[kristi richards]

I totally understand.. I feel kind of isolated about adopting. We can't afford the intermational fees. We decided to try fost/adopt. We have one child of our own. We want to adopt a little girl.
Our parents appear to be ok with the idea. But people that I thought would be excited kind of just don't want to discuss it. I am taking college courses and teach school. It's a full load. But I have decided to take a break from college in September.
It amazing what kind of responses you will get. I had someone say "if you work who is going to watch a younger child for you. Don't you want to be home?" Sure I'd love to be home.The problem is MONEY!!My husband works retail. Hellllooooo!!I almost feel like people think I'm being selfish for wanting to adopt because I work. I've worked with Foster single mom's who worked and they did a super job raising the kids. And you "can do with out" and stay home. Do without what "healthcare" or "food" or a "car" which should I choose?? Sorry, just venting.
We are not getting younger, it's now or never. Somehow it will work out. We don't have lots of extra money. We do have experience working with special kids. It's been a long summer. When you teach it's hard to find time to keep connected with friendships. Going to join a womens gym. I hope to connect with other moms there.
Wish me Luck!!!

[mj77]

Kristi,
I hear what you are saying. I don't want to turn this into a working mom vs. full-time mom debate. As a full time mom though who did cut back a lot to raise my kids I can tell you it is worth everything I gave up! Healthcare isn't an issue when you adopt from the state for your child because they will come with a medical card, even until they are 18 if you request it. Also you can get adoption subsidy which is a monthly payment until they are 18 to meet some of their special needs (in case you didn't know most all children from the state are labled special needs even if they are healthy). I am not sure I would have made it without our son's subsidy at the time we got him. You posted on the Christian forum so I will encourage you like this: If staying at home and being with your children is something you want, pray and trust God to help you make a way. I believe He will. When you adopt, you may need to spend a lot of time with your child--even more so than a biological child you birthed. There needs to be time for bonding and connection. Some children need to be transported frequently to appointments, therapy... I missed so much of my 1st son's life and didn't want to miss another minute. We went down to one car for a while, we did without cable... Maybe if it still isn't realistic for you to not work, try cutting your hours down so you can still spend time with your child. Keep in mind daycare can be expensive. One of the strengths in us getting chosen at committee for our first son is that I was a full time mom and they felt because I was home full time, I would better meet his needs and it was a better transition too because he didn't have to go into daycare as soon as he was uprooted from the only life he knew into ours. Just something to think about.

As for the lack of enthusiasim you are seeing, don't let it get you down. Some people just don't know how to respond. My family was the same way but when they met their grandson, they were SOOO excited!! It is difficult when people can't relate. You are in the right place though

Melissa

[spaypets]

Gosh it breaks my heart to see so many people being unsupportive or at least careless with people's feelings.

We had a baby shower hosted by my SIL before we brought our daughter home from India. We were very selective about who we invited -- family and friends who had already expressed enthusiasm and interest in our plans. Nearly everyone RSVP'd -- I think I had to track down two people out of 30.

For our daughter's naming (we're Jewish, I hope you don't mind the post) we invited the same people who came to the shower, plus the neighbors who had been so excited for us they'd brought gifts for our daughter when we brought her home. We'd specified no gifts because almost everyone had already given her something. Again, only one or two people didn't RSVP.

We were really quite touched by all the enthusiasm.

I do think people are rude and don't respond to any invitation. It might have nothing to do with adoption--I know brides are having a terrible time getting RSVP's for wedding invitations.

[aMarylandfamily]

If you think brides are having a rough time ... try the birthday parties for kids these days ... I was so pleased when our son turned 10 two years ago as that was the age of his last "party" and therafer he could ask two friends to do an activity (movie, bowling, etc.) as we never knew how much of what to have or how many goodie bags ... one year you would get lots of yes RSVP's and little attendance and the next only a few RSVP's and end up with 12 kids!

Don't give up on your friends ... just put those who are participating in your adventure as you'd like into a place to always be treasured and welcomed when they are ready. My closest friend seemed to disappear at our placements but when we had the need to disrupt one of our placements, she was there every day ... so you never know what is going on in their life that they aren't or can't but that doesn't mean they don't care.

[6kiddos]

I understand the frustration. I work in a foster care/adoption related job and even within our small organization I have seen the difference between how births and adoptions are treated! A co-worker recently had a baby and we all collected money and gave her a nice card and fairly large monetary gift at one of our meetings. My husband and I recently completed the adoption of our foster child and a few co-workers sent congratulation emails but no card or fanfare at the next meeting. I was crushed. Our adoption journey with this child was long and stressful and I had shared our struggles with my co-workers along the way but nobody thought to buy a card for everyone to sign. This is within the adoption community so what more can we expect from those who do not understand adoption?!

[Mama2B]

That's awful that some people act like that. No one showed up to either my high school or (2) college graduations. I don't expect any fanfare when I adopt my son either. So far, most of my "friends" and family laugh like it's a joke and tell me to "get real" and "have my own". It really hurts my feelings, but at least now I know who my real friends are and that I want to teach my son to be more curteous and not so rude.

Also, I work in catering and have seen so many times people, usually brides, plan parties and have no one show up. Just recently, we hosted a funeral reception for friends and family of a very prominent husband and wife who died unexpectedly. The family planned for 600 because they were so well loved. Only 75 max showed up. It's very sad.

[bbrannan]

I just subscribed to this forum, and my wife just forwarded the ezine
to me--so--I'm late. I'm glad to have the forum and the ezine,
though. One thing I don't want is to be an uninvolved, clueless
father.

Anyway--as to your question--I know exactly how you feel. While this
is the sort of thing that shows you who your friends really are, it
still doesn't feel very good to find that sort of thing out in the way
that sometimes we do.

My very wise grandmother told me something once that I try to
remember. (Well, actually, she said lots of things that I try to
remember, but anyway...) Unfortunately, she died very young--certainly
related to her smoking, possibly her weight as well, and I still miss
her...but I'm thankful that her life touched mine. Anyway, one day,
she told me, "Buddy, if you have only one true friend in your life,
you are very, very lucky." How right she was! I know, it doesn't take
the sting out of the others' actions.

When we told people we were adopting a child from Ukraine, we got
several reactions. Many of our friends and even some of our family
were very supportive, wished us well, and even made donations of stuff
or money or just unbelievable moral support. People we've never met
have heard our story and have been very kind. There were others who
asked why we were adopting internationally, when there are so many
kids here that need homes...that's a whole 'nother thread, and I'd
love to talk about it. But we, too, have had our share of hurt at the
reactions we got from some people. Yes, we were pleasantly surprised
by some, but let me tell you about the ones that aren't so nice.

My wife Melanie and I are both disabled. I'm totally blind, and
Melanie is legally blind (narrow visual field, could be progressive),
and she also has chronic pain, joint problems, stiffness, trouble
walking very great distances. She has her good days and her bad
days. Of course, both of us have learned to adapt to our disabilities
and live full and productive lives. Since we got married, we have
wanted to start our family. Due to Melanie's physical issues, which
she's dealt with her whole life but only recently got properly
diagnosed, I was worried about her carrying through a pregnancy and
was very interested in adoption for our family. Last year, Melanie's
heart was opened to adoption, too, and so we were oth led to
Ukraine...which is a long story, sort of. At any rate, Melanie's
sister is, one might say, skeptical of our abilities to raise a child,
and we held off telling her until our paperwork was well underway. She
as much as told us once that we really didn't have any business
raising children and couldn't do so safely. Which is still her
attitude today. She tries to be supportive, but manages to put in
little digs that very plainly say, "You can't do this, you have no
business doing this, and you will be endangering this child." This
from friends is one thing, but when your family--who should know
better--happens, even when you expect it, it's awful.

So, you're definitely not alone here. We really have the same attitude
these days towards family as towards friends...no, you can't choose
your family, but whether family or friends, you *can* choose to
associate with people who respect you and support you, and leave those
who do not behind.

[6kiddos]

Bbrannan,
Welcome to this forum! You sound like an incredibly wise man and I look forward to reading your posts as you go through the adoption journey. I need to take a minute to tell you about one of the most amazing families I know, they are some of our very supportive friends and the similiarities to your situation are astounding.

I don't want to use their real names on here so I will call them Joe and Jan. Joe is totally blind and Jan is legally blind. Joe and Jan have 4 birth children, most of them now in their teen years. Joe and Jan are licensed foster parents and several years ago they adopted two of their foster children, both with significant special needs. They are still fostering and currently have two very young foster children placed with them for a total of 8 children! Their older children are some of the nicest teenagers I have ever met, they are very active in their church and they are respectful and helpful with their parents. One of their adopted children has had multiple surgeries recently and their church and friends rallied around them for support. They are incredibly skilled parents and a blessing to everyone who knows them.

I have no doubt that you and your wife would be able to care for any child or children that you adopt. The real disabled person is the one who is so focused on the rocks in the path that they never venture out on the walk. God bless you and thank you for posting- your grandmother gave you some good advice and I am going to take it as well. We have incredible friends and family in our lives who are very supportive and I will focus on them, not on the ones who (for whatever reason) were not as supportive.

[Colorbind love]

Now hold on a second. I know as adoptive parents we are quick to blame adoption as the culprit for things being different. I have had the same experience. But, I know for a fact it was NOT adoption.

With my first baby (biological) my church threw a baby shower. Friends and family sent cards and gifts. With my second baby, friends and family sent cards a few sent gifts. With my third baby, two people responded to the birth announcements by sending a small gift and card. With our first adoptive son, ONE of those people intended to send him a gift. She did send a card but she was pregnant and moving and forgot to send him the gift. I don't have the heart to point out that she told him she would send a gift and didn't.

I don't think people necessarily do it because of adoption but because of multiple children. When we bring numbers 5 and 6 home next summer, I honestly do NOT expect even a card from the one who acknowledge the adoption of this last son. My family is very old, Southern and stuck in proper manners and even they don't seem to remember that you are supposed to acknowledge the addition of new children, no matter how many there are.

So, as much as it feels like its adoption related. It truly might not be. Only our last addition was adopted. So, I don't have the luxury of claiming adoption on my 3rd baby. Thankfully that helped me realize it wasn't the adoption but the fact that my friends and family just think we have too many children and don't wish to celebrate our joy with us anymore. Their loss, not ours.