[amaz5]

Oh wow, it's been a while since I've been on the site but I was amazed after reading all the responses to my initial thread. Stampingdimples (and everyone else) I'm so sorry all of you have gone through or are currently going through the feelings of rejection and disappointment I went through.
On the one hand, it's comforting to know I am not alone but on the other hand it's heartbreaking to see I am not alone. Know what I mean? We are coming on a year now since our children were placed with us and I still have yet to hear from friends. Can I call them friends? Anyway, one finally responded to me after finding out she is pregnant herself (for the 1st time). Now she send sonograms to everyone and keeps us all updated on her progress. It's nice to hear and I'm supportive of her and the growing little one but I have to admit sometimes I feel a little bitter. I'm working on it!
I mean, not bitter about the pregnancy, heck no! My youngest child was brought to us at 48 hours old and that's as close to delivering a baby as I ever want to get! We now have two toddlers and an infant and some days I think I need to be medicated to maintain sanity. Sadly, the only people I can talk to about being a mom are strangers. And they are all so supportive!! It's remarkable how the people I thought of as friends have still failed to live up to the title. I've even tried emailing and contacting some since the initial time back in February and still nothing. No response. No email. No calls. Nothing. I feel betrayed. Truly. My dearest friend is a guy I worked with several years back and we have kept in touch discussing our children etc. He's been a great sounding board. I haven't seen him in over a year but we talk at least once or twice a month to catch up and vent. My immediate family is wonderful but my in-laws are questionable. I suspect they favor the "blood" granddaughter over my children but it may be because she is living with them and her mom while her mom tries to get her life in order. I don't know.
Anyway, I decided to just move on. sure sometimes I'm tempted to pick up the phone just to give each of them a piece of my mind but what good would it do? It wouldn't change the past one iota. My children are mine regardless of how they got here.
One thing I do have a problem with is my sil telling every person she knows about us adopting. I'm not embarrassed or anything I just feel it's a personal thing and unless they know us personally and know we didn't have any children a year ago and suddenly have 3, well, it's not their business at all. If we want people to know, we will tell them ourselves but I feel it's a violation of our privacy and our children's privacy to go around telling people about us.
One day she came over with some guy she was dating, this was back in the spring, and she brought him into my house (without even telling me she was bringing him!) and took him to meet the children. I actually heard her say, "these are the kids I was telling you about...the ones my brother adopted". I wanted to punch her in the face....God forgive me. But instead I was just cold and pretty rude when she tried to chat with me and she left right away. I told my husband about it later and asked him to speak with his mom and sister and make it clear how we felt. He did and so far things have been quiet. At least when I'm around. They don't come over very often. I guess that's my fault.
To all of you, I send lots of hugs, warm thoughts and friendship. We all need each other and each other's support so let's hang in there together and know that what anyone else says, or doesn't say, is unimportant. We love our children and that's all that counts.
by the way, we did go through 6 1/2 years of infertility before deciding to adopt so I know that pain of not being able to "birth" one. It took time, prayer, and alot of crying and deep introspection but I'm fine now and feel this is what was meant for us all along. We feel we love them more than we would if we had actually birthed them. I know you all understand. The birthing...it's all just biological. the rest is the heart.
Emmy

[kamamsm]

In re: to your inlaws telling about the adoption- Please don't let that bother you. I know some people mean it ugly. But many times they mean it like you would if there were a new baby in the house- "They just had a baby!" Its a prideful thing. Also- some people need to say it to several folks & get those folks' reaction in order to form an opinion themselves.

Also- please don't be lonely- come to us! We're here & we surely understand. We support eachother.

[sherryk]

Hi everyone!

I wanted to let you know that it does happen...to have a baby shower for an adopted child, and being our fourth as well! We belong to a church that gives friends/families a baby shower no matter if it is your first, fourth, ect. But it takes a friend that loves to throw a party! I have a friend who has since moved out of the area that was great at making sure friends received a warm welcome for a new addition. I, in fact, had another friend who was going to give us a shower if this other friend didn't. We made it more of a family affair at a park - low key. Families came with balls, skateboards, ect and we all had a good time. I'm not telling you guys this to brag, I just wanted you to know that their are those of us who were blessed with an adoption party! (Our daughter came to us as a foster child and was adopted a year and a half after coming into our home...the shower was given the first month she arrived.)

I think there is nothing wrong with planning a party for yourself! We are going to be going to an adoption party in November...they are hosting it themselves for their family and friends!

Blessings,
sherryk
host

Oh, by the way, we had very "disappointed" parents about our adoption. They thought we were done having children. Sometimes, it just takes time! You should see them now with our daughter...it warms my heart! They love her to pieces.

[lorrcong]

When I first told my family about our desion to adopt my mother was not happy. Esp. since we were open to children of another race. She even told me that I should start thinking of my life with out children in it. After we got the call for our daughter my mothers whole attitude changed. She even went with us to pick up our new little girl. I came to realise that all of her negitivity in the begining was actually concern. She was so worried about adoption not working that she really just wanted me to be prepared for the worst. Unfortunitly mom doesn't know how to get that point across very well with out harping on all of the negitive. We are now on our 3rd adoption (1 white/2 AA) and mom is very excited for us. We will know by the end of the week if our 3rd will be ours.

[DeNaJa]

I think the poor response of friends and family is just awful. I have 2 bio kids and 1 adopted child. When I was pregnant with my 1st, it was like I had joined some sort of club! Women were all excited. When I got pregnant with my 2nd, it was basically a non-event. I was EXTREMELY excited, but the family...same family who were sooooo geeked the 1st time were blah for the 2nd time. Partly, I think it was becuase I had spinal surgery in March of 2002 and 6 wks later, I was pregnant. I think many were concened, but **I** was the one who would be pregnant! I was the one with any risk...not them. I might add, not a one asked if they could help in anyway to make things easier, IF they thought it would be difficult. When my 2nd was born, I have a tape of the reaction. My huband wheels her out (the 1st was a boy, 2nd a girl)...they wheel her out and DH announces "It's a GIRL!" We are completley pumped to have a girl. No reaction. No excitement...just watching to see how our son would react. HE had more reaction than the adults! I felt bad. I felt bad that no one really seemed excited about us having another baby and about it being a girl. They love her and all, but it is not the HYPER attention that my son got for MONTHS...even YEARS after his birth. It is totally different. I think with most people, they just can't figure out why couples want more than 2...max of 3 kids. They can understand 3 if your 1st 2 are male or female...clearly you were trying for the sex you don't have. Any more than 3 is just ridiculous and people ask silly questions like "are they all yours?" and "how many are you going to have?". I get "how dod you do it? you certainly have your hands full...i could NEVER do that!" and "why did you want to adopt? (said negatively, not as a normal question)"

Then we adopted. As I was recovering from my c-section (and second surgery in less than 1 year) we learn about our youngest. She was due in 6 months. (that would make a 2 yr old, 6 month old, and newborn!) Most of the family just didn't know how to react. We had no shower or party with our second or with our 3rd. Some people were "concerned" and showed it by being negative. Others didn't really talk about it or ask anything about it. We decided after getting a lukewarm response from several close, immediate family members, to keep our mothes shut till after she was born and we had custody. Much of our family found out about her 2 wks after she was born when we just showed up with her! After she was born, many people wre excited for us. We got a few cards. We got some gifts from unexpected sources. After over a year, and a lot of emotion, our adiption was final just last month. We invited lots of family to be there...even said we would take everyone out to eat. I understand it was not local...about a 3 hour drive. I know it is hard to do that when people work. It did hurt that none of my family came. My husbands parents came and one of his brothers. That meant a lot to me. I just wish there was more joy. No cards or gifts for the finalization. I don't care about the gifts...but I wish for cards to save for her. After I sent announcements out, I got a couple emails saying Congrats. Oh well. I guess I grew up in a different time...where my mom made me write Thank You notes and I showed respect to others...treated them as I wanted to be treated. People just are too self absorbed today. I try not to be, and that is why I am not too hung up on all this...I know they are busy and have their own lives. I also know I will do my best to do the right thing by them, regardles sof their lack of manners. I think God brings people into our lives and lets others leave. Some of the people who treated the adoptive parents so wrongly by acting as if they were less worthy...or even UN-worthy of a celebration, party, shower, or congratulations my be on their way out of the lives of that new family. I don't think we need to be surrounded by negative people. I would hope people would be more sensitive...but I really think they just don't know what to do...or say. So they do and say nothing. PC run wild. We are paralized with fear of offending! And we end up offending others by our silence.

Well, for what it is worth...adoptive moms and dads:

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!!!! Welcome Babies, Toddlers, Adolecents, and Teens! Welcome HOME Children!!!!

[joby]

I've read this thread with interest because my family has been in dire need of an adoption education!

It's split about 50/50 with the support versus "knowing looks and comments such as ' Why would you do that?' "

I'm adopting from foster care, so there is the added stigma that foster kids are somehow "bad" and that they should be avoided. It's hard work educating adults on something that they think they already understand. One sister-in-law (my brother's wife) was thrilled when we asked them to be our "back up parents" (as she called it) if something were to happen to us, but my own sister is so very uncomfortable that it's hard to even share good news. She doesn't feel comfortable with the topic and she doesn't know hwo to ask questions.

You can just never tell!

There is a breakover point I believe. It's happened with us. My father, who has been extremely out of character in silence on the subject, surprised me when he said he wanted to have a birthday party for the child we are considering adopting. It's really the first thing he's said, so I don't really know whether it was a change of heart or just a decision to be on board. Whatever the reason, I'm glad God gave him a chance to rest in a positive feeling.

On the waaaay other end of things, I had to cancel a job interview when the judge called us to meet with him unexpectedly. When they asked me for my reason for rescheduling, I told the woman and she was overjoyed! "When you come in bring a picture to show and ask for June! I'll be praying for you!"

God will put little bursts of goodness in your path to help you with the harder hearts who for whatever reason just don't seem to understand.

Good luck everyone!
Joby

[aramat72]

I'm very new at this but I just have to pipe in here on this one. This topic has been consuming my thoughts all week. I've tried ever so much just to let God handle this but I'm struggling a lot.

When we had our bio children people flew in from out of town. Everyone was so excited. People wanted pictures all the time. We recently finalized the adoption of our foster daughter (now 2 years old). Since we brought here home at 3 days old we expressed our intent to adopt her. Not many people have been remotely interested. My husbands parents haven't acknowledged birthdays, and Christmas gifts are marked Love, Mr. and Mrs....

This is very discouraging to me. We have a new baby in our home that we've been asked to adopt. I feel like all the indifference toward this new situation is just taking the wind right out of my sails. It makes me question whether we should even attempt another adoption.

Thank for the vent!
Tamara

[tybeemarie]

Aramat72,

First off, congratulations on your adoption! I am a fost-adopt parent (no adoption yet, but that is the plan), and there is no harder way to adopt than the fostering route. I am very sorry that your family and friends have not been more supportive. Have you sent your family a book like Adoption is a Family Affair? I sent that to both sets of grandparents and my sister borrowed it from my mom to read. That was very helpful. The whole family has been very supportive and so excited. Even my in-laws, whose reaction to our adoption plans was to offer to pay for a surrogate! They are now model grandparents. And fortunately, at our church there are many adoptive families, and people are so excited about our kids. I think some people who lack exposure to the issues just totally miss the boat. That's not an excuse, just a possible explanation. I started an adoptive families group at my church, and that is another great source of support. Also, hang out with the other foster parents--truly those are the people who will really rejoice with you. Congratulations on your new baby! God bless you for recognizing that each life is precious, and that each child is a blessing. If your community does not see that, they are missing a lot. God sees your children, and they are very precious to Him. As are you. Vent anytime.

[DeNaJa]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! That is terrible about signing the gifts "Mr.and Mrs." I too would feel hurt. Maybe it is a fear thing for the extended family. Maybe they are coming form a place of ignorance and fear due to their generation and how things were done then and the horror stories they hear in the media. I really believe many try to insulate themselves from the pain htey would feel should they lose their child or grandchild. They don't give 100% of their heart becuase they think they are somehow protecting themselves in case the birthmom returns or some unknown birth relative or birth father shows up and fights for custody. If they open up and let themselves fall in love, they risk being hurt.

Many just do not know what to do so they do nothing...which is the wrong thing! Many people just don't know "adoption etiquette". I know enthusiasm for the 1st baby was 100% and dropped sharply...no shower, way fewer cards, gifts, acknowlegment and excitement. By #3, it was like "oh, another one? You must be busy. You sure have your hands full." YOU are thrilled and with just cause...but they just are not. It is hard to understand, but unfortunately, people are generally self absorbed and your joy just isn't necessarily that important. It is a sad testimony. There is so much pain in the world; we should celebrate and rejoice when the REALLY good stuff happens! Depending on who's family member it is that is acting odd, I would have either you or your DH speak to them kindly. You don't want your kids picking up on the difference in treatment. Fix it now while they are young. As for not adopting again, do not let anyone deter you from growing your family and offering the love you have to as many children as you, your husband and God decides to give you. You will regret it and resent them if you let others keep you from those who would be your children. Remember, in the end, it is THEIR loss...not yours or even your kids.

[Linny]

Well....I'm going to jump in here as well. I'm a lot older than many who post here....(almost 48...with a dh that is the same age). We've adopted seven times...and we've decided to do it again! Our youngest is almost two years old........a three year old too...and on up the ladder to our oldest who is 24yrs old.
I can tell you that in reading just some of your posts........adoption, overall, is soo very misunderstood, and to be an adoptive parent today, seems to take a lot more gumption than it did even back when I was much younger and we were adopting our first.

There is still that idea of 'blood' and bonding.......and few understand it like we---as adoptive parents understand it. There is also the stain from decades gone by of forced adoptions or closed information adoptions.

But, to adopt today takes soooo much more than the act of birthing, IMO. It takes a lot of hard work, determination and spirit that most do not understand. And so, when we are excited to the max that our new sons and daughters are joining our bond of family......most just cannot comprehend the journey it took to get to that point.
We have been blessed over the years, to have had some who supported our adoptions....others who have been just plain out and out 'rude and nasty'. I can't tell you how many people have told us 'Don't you have enough?' or, the one I really love: "You know "Linny".......you're going to have to realize that one day you'll have to stop.'
I love this one, because it sounds as if I'm a drug-addict or something----needing to know that my 'addiction' MUST STOP!

Sorry.....we're not the best parents, by any means. We've made a lot of parenting mistakes over the years...but overall....we're decent people who love to have children around. That, in a nutshell.......makes no sense to a society that believes in order to be a good and valid parent, you have to give birth...period.
It's also foreign to a lot of people over the age of 35yrs---who believe anyone over that age should start preparing for retirement and acquiring THINGS.
Sorry....count us out. We'll keep on adopting until WE feel we want to stop. Apparently, there are birthmothers/agencies out there who believe we must be alright....or we wouldn't be having more babies, now would we?

At any rate, all of you young mommas and daddys....and 'some day to be mommas and daddys'.......hold your heads up high. I daresay that adoptive couples experience something 'grander' in the life scheme of things. We all know the courage and determination it takes to bring children into our homes. We are the minority, because few people would 'stick it out' like we have. But, we know the feelings and wonderment far more than others. We understand...and that's why it's important to support each other when we hear or know of another adoptive parents. It may be foreign to others.....but we know it well in our hearts!

Okay...jumping off of my soapbox now....

Sincerely,

Linny

[skootinalong2]

Our adoption was finalized in Dec. We, too, are foster parents. Our son came to us at 6 days old. We didn't intend to adopt but he became part of our family and of course we fell in love with him. It was a long battle to adopt him. We sent out announcements in our Christmas cards since it was so close to Christmas. My parents and one friend acknowledged our announcement. I was not expecting gifts. Just a phone call to say congrats or a card. People are funny, aren't they?

[jwdcreations]

Wow...I am just floored by the nasty responses that have been received by truly loving parents. My DH & I are just embarking on our adoption journey after 2 years of infertility struggles. We have been fortunate to have nothing but positive responses from our family & friends. Maybe it is because so many of them have been exposed to foster/adopt and adoption experiences.

I am truly sad for those of you who have not had the support and excitement that brigning a child into your lives deserves. Please turn your heartbreak into that much more love for your children.

Linny...your post reminds me of something our pastor's wife once said. They have been foster parents for over 20+ years and (their children have adopted children) when she filled out a questionaire about things she collected, she answered 'children'.

[Linny]

when she filled out a questionaire about things she collected, she answered 'children'.

THAT is funny.....thanks for posting it, because it sounds like something I'd like to have said, myself!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Linny

[maisey]

We are older parents, as well. I will be 50 this year and dh 60. Can't believe it. Most of the people we know think we are crazy. Someone on another board was talking about people not being supportive, in this case family. She said something like, " they do not understand us.... I don't understand people that hurry to retire to the good life, a quiet house and die alone." I for one would rather have activity and "live" until the good Lord takes me home.

Maisey