[sugarbabysmommy]

Stampingdimples, I am sorry I missed your mention of the party. It just baffles me when people are so selfish, so single minded and define family in only one way. I'm glad you told them it hurt. Too often we ladies can sit back and let ourselves be hurt, heaven forbid we make any waves. I wish I knew the words that would get through to them, an analogy that they could understand.

I know what you mean about being honored by virtual strangers, we have experienced the same thing. It shocked me to see certain people in my life celebrate my child, and others not. It shocks me still to hear the ignorant comments from family, the bass-ackwards ideas, from people who have been there during the entire process.

As I'm writing I'm wondering if some of what everyone has experienced has to do with there already being other children in the famly, other grandchildren etc. before the children who were adopted arrived? When the child who was adopted is the first and only grandchild for a while, I wonder if people make an effort to make a bigger deal?

Bottom line, you all should have been treated special, both because she is your first child and you all are a new family. Again, I am sorry for the pain. Take care...

[Tanya'sgirl]

This message is for stampingdimples. I sent you a PM response to your kind and caring PM. Did you get it? I never know if these things get sent properly. I'm still getting to learn all the nuances of this forum, especially all the abbreviated lingo.

Anyway, the PM back to you was a special thank you for being so sweet with your kind words of encouragement. And also, with info on Agencies in CA that do infant adoptions and don't have any stipulations on age.

My husband and I will be out of town for the next week, but please let me know if you got the PM.

Blessings to you and to all on this forum. Especially to those of you who are having problems with family and friends accepting or even acknowledging your adoption plans or adoptive child.

I can relate!!!!!!!!!!

TG

[newMafamily]

While I know it is painful, aside from directly mean comments I think sometimes people who don't acknowledge a child are just not sure what to do or how to do it. Other times there are things going on in thier lives that distract them from thier social responsibility. Then once they haven't given the gift or gone to the party they are not sure how to make amends or renew relationships. Try not to hold resentments but continue to share the joys of your child with close family and friends. Personally I try to let people know that no matter how long it is I haven't heard from them a phonecall or visit is always welcome.

On the other hand, I also have cousins I haven't seen in years and were never really close to. I have gotten wedding and other invitations and I usually say no. It is for them as well as me. They should have someone come who is really in thier life now and not feel obligated because I am a relative. So ask yourself are they really people you are close to and do you want to continue the relationship. If not let go of it, it is not right, but as I tell my kids life is not fair.

[Iluvowls]

Hello,

Unfortunately i feel your pain. My husband and I are currently in the process of adopting and we have already experienced some negative energy from "friends" and family members whom we thought would give us only love and support. As you may know, when you hear of the possiblity of a child coming into your life, you get excited and chose to share the news with a loved one. Well, my husband and I are the only ones excited. It hurts.

I will pray that their ignorance to your happiness will not rain on your parade. You are a wonderful person. Especially to open your home to a child in need. What I find is that people get a little uneasy with standing next to someone who can keep an open mind and heart so freely.

If your friends are anything like mines, they will call you again, maybe even visit, but they will do it when they have humbled themselves and feel worty to socialize with you again.

[akcskye]

I do think people are rude and don't respond to any invitation. It might have nothing to do with adoption--I know brides are having a terrible time getting RSVP's for wedding invitations. [/b]

Not defending those that do not respond...but some people may simply just not know it is in poor taste to not at least send back a note saying "wish I could come, but I can't...sorry".

My wedding shower...almost all of my family came on my side that was invited. My grandma's neighbors (VERY close family friends) came, and 1 of my 3 friends that are lifelong friends from Grade School came.

The one that showed was the one I KNEW would show.

What was sad to me was that my husband's family, except for mom and dad, did NOT show...including his TWIN.

Kristi

[akcskye]

Originally posted by Iluvowls
[b]Hello,

Unfortunately i feel your pain. My husband and I are currently in the process of adopting and we have already experienced some negative energy from "friends" and family members whom we thought would give us only love and support. As you may know, when you hear of the possiblity of a child coming into your life, you get excited and chose to share the news with a loved one. Well, my husband and I are the only ones excited. It hurts.

Well, IF it helps, I"m TOTALLY excited for you! As a matter of fact, I'm STOKED!

Kristi

[stampingdimples]

Thanks to you all for understanding and encouraging us. Now Tanya'sgirl said she sent me a pm after I sent her a private message. Ididn't receive it or at least have not figured out how to get it. I am new to this fourm stuff as well as she is. Can anyone help us on how to do this? Thanks to all my new friends. Thanks you sugarbabysmamma for understanding.

[mj77]

click on "home" which is at the top of the page, then it will bring you to a page where you will see "private messages" click on it and it will show you your messages.

[Brat]

With the exception of a few, surprisingly wayward souls, we have been overwhelmed with support for the adoption of our daughter, both from most of our family--even distant relatives who flew long distances to meet her--and friends--except for, strangely enough, my best friend from college. I don't know if the fact that we barely told anyone we were in the process had anything to do with the excitement people have, but we have had two showers and my daughter *still* gets gifts every once in a while, seven months later.

We were suddenly a family, and everyone wanted to celebrate. Except...

...my co-workers. I work for a Christian organization. I have a co-worker who got pregnant out of wedlock. She repented. The baby was still coming, so there was no sense in condemning her or her child. Her friends threw her a shower. I was one of three or four co-workers who attended. I have another co-worker, a male, who had his own shower as well because, just like with my aforementioned co-worker, no one a work threw a shower for him. But he's a guy. You kind of get it. In this both cases, though, these were first babies, and hardly anyone at work cared.

So, I invited co-workers to a shower that our friends threw for us. We also invited our church family to this one as well because we really didn't want several showers and wanted to spare people the trouble. Mind you, our church friends were the ones pushing to throw us a shower, not our work "friends." Amongst the nice-sized group that appeared for that shower, one person from my husband's workplace appeared, and three from mine. My husband was very disappointed, however, because no one cared about my other co-workers first children, I kind of expected that.

But now one of my co-workers is pregnant, by her husband. The situation is different. People are mentioning a shower for her, there's a giddiness. Even if it is not right, I kind of understand why: the other three instances were: a) out of wedlock, b) a guy, and c) an adoption surprise. But it just looks bad whenever people are so actively giddy about this woman's first child when the rest of us have first children who have been virtually ignored, before and after birth. It doesn't upset me much. It just makes my co-workers look bad. Children are children, no matter how they get here, and should be celebrated. Before our three children arrived, there were *no* babies at our office, and that this would be the one they fawn over looks as though favorites are being played.

And to top it all off, I am this woman's supervisor, and I have bent over backwards to accomodate her. I didn't tell our HR dept the many times she was late, and she openly admitted recently, almost pridefully, that times that she told me she was working from home, she just didn't feel well and slept. All she does is complain, complain, complain about any extra work on her plate. I have treated her so nicely, and yet the other day we had a team meeting, and I caught her rolling her eyes as I was explaining something to my team. She tells me every detail of her pregnancy, and for months I have listened out of curiosity and kindness and because I know this is a special time for her. I welled up with tears when she was telling me about their first ultrasound, because I care deeply for her. But lately, I have started to feel that she is needling me, that there is a little extra, "Well, look at what I can do and you can't" to her reports. It's hard to take her change in attitude.

To top it all off, she *expects* special treatment, and that is what kind of chaffs me. My adoption experience was quite difficult at times, and I *never* expected anyone ever to bend over backwards for me. But she does. Ugh.

To make my peace, since I am the supervisor of my team and it may make sense, I am thinking of offering to throw the shower myself. There's that verse about heaping burning coals on one's head, and if I can't beat 'em, I may as well join 'em. Despite the unsupportive choices others in our office have made regarding first babies, I have supported every other person whose had a baby, so it won't look strange for me to support her as well. Even as I write this, I'm getting some ideas. I think it will send a clear message if I host the shower, as everyone will be forced to think back to their lack of support towards me and others, and hopefully no one else's baby will be ignored again.

Thanks for this thread, and for the space to work this out.

[Brat]

When I said, "...I am getting some ideas." I was referring to the shower. Themes, etc.

[newMafamily]

Brat- This co-worker who is pregnant is taking advantage. Treat her like any other employee because she is making it bad for all pregnant and working women. It is nervy of her to tell you she slept when she should have been working from home. She should also have gotten warnings for lateness. If her pregnancy is making her that ill she should take a medical leave. Everyone has personal needs but using pregnancy as an excuse is wrong. I worked through two pregnancies and know it is not easy but expecting people to let you slide because of it is just wrong.

Also if your office doesn't have showers for co-workers who have children why is this woman any different? If you are invited to a shower by family and friend go if you want to. If you would give a gift do so. I would point out to people who want to give a shower that you did not sponsor a shower for others who were in even greater need. To solve this you could start something like a sunshine fund to which everyone contributes for certain notable events and then all events would be equally acknowledged by flowers or a gift certificate.

[cmwatt]

wow - what a thread!
Well I think I have learned a lot from you guys. I am a single Christian female, hoping to start homestudy in December. I now feel more prepared for the lack of interest as well as the condemnation I can expect from family and other church members.
I quite expect other church members / leaders to question my decision but I am confident that my plans are in the will of God, and my pastor is aware and is all for it.
My family aren't exactly jumping with joy at the idea, my sister said "why don't you just get married?" like I hadn't thought of that - I've been looking for a husband for 32 years!
But I guess I have to be prepared for the total apathy I may come across, I guess most people won't really care that I adopt or wonder why I felt compelled to do so. But I don't like the limelight anyway so as long as the leave me and my daughter alone I'll be happy finally fulfilling my calling as a mom.

[tybeemarie]

Here's a suggestion: start an adoptive/foster family group at your church. I did that and it's been a wonderful experience. We have all different kinds of families represented in our group, and we are all very supportive of one another. Also, the very existence of the group raises the consciousness of the rest of the church toward adoption. You don't need to be fancy or elaborate with your group. We have a list serve, we've met for 2 outdoor potlucks and we also had a blessing for those expecting by adoption. We're planning what to do for adoption month, which is in November. Most people outside the adoption triad have no idea how insensitive and rude and awful they are. They need to be educated, as exhausting as that is sometimes. It helps to have the support of a group to take on that task. Also, I should note that my very close friends who are not adoptive parents have been really supportive--they've learned about this process as we've been going through it. Some even read the book about supporting adoptions. So, don't totally despair!

[kamamsm]

I just think it's a matter of rudeness in today's society. People aren't taught manners. Also-real friendships are RARE. People have aquaintances not friendships anymore. I have had several birthday parties where I sweated blood that no one would show up for my kids, because no one responds to RSVP. Don't let such insensitivity hurt you much.

[BobeezGirl]

Originally posted by twogrls
I think people should always send a note congratulating a person even if it's their fifth child--I know I always do (and generally a gift b/c it's a new person). All children are special and worth celebrating IMO . I didn't want gifts or even expect them. But, to have friends send notes or gifts and church give a huge basket to all of us having our second children showed me some people do find it just as important. My family is just not in that group apparently. I think it is really terrible how people didn't respond to your first child. Clearly, they are not worth your time as friends.

I completely agree with you!!!

I have experienced this on a lot of different levels so far, and we haven't even had a child placed with us yet. I do my best to chalk it up to people being uneducated, but it is frustrating the lack of response in some people.

When my husband and I told our parents that we may be adopting a newborn from a birthmom that had contacted us, their responses were far less than what we'd hoped for. And it was weeks and weeks before they asked about it again. The sad thing was, I KNOW that if I'd announced I was pregnant, instead of considering adopting through a birthmom, our phone would've been ringing off the hook to check on me, and they would have been over at our door the next day with some baby clothes or toys. Not that I was expecting or wanting gifts and non-stop phone calls, but a little support- support that originated on their end, and not drawn out from us- would have been nice, too.