[6kiddos]

Colorbind,
You make a very good point...nobody threw a baby shower with my 3rd or 4th birth children or with #5 who is adopted or now #6. I never expected anyone to either. We had adoption parties with the last two adoptions and many of our wonderful friends and family members came to celebrate with us- we weren't expecting gifts, just the company of people who wanted to welcome our child into our circle of friends and family.

In the situation that I wrote about in my previous post, the co-worker was having her 4th child. Births are incredible miracles and should be celebrated- I was glad that my co-workers and I gave her this monetary gift and I know that she was surprised and thrilled to get it. It just saddened me that the finalization of an adoption was not seen as something to acknowledge even with a card...and by people who promote and support adoptions nonetheless. At my husband's workplace (a Christian organization) they have $5 taken from each paycheck to go toward flowers and cards for births, funerals, etc... Recently one of his co-workers had child #5 and received flowers and a card, but our adoptions of #5 or #6 were not acknowledged at all. This upset my husband very much. When we were adopting child #5 a co-worker of his made the comment "You already have 4 children, it's too bad this little guy couldn't have gone to a couple who doesn't have any children." Nobody made that comment to the family giving birth to their 5th child recently. I would like to say that it is just a number thing, and in some cases it might be, but sadly there seems to be more to it than that.

[stampingdimples]

Yes, we can relate to this. We are very hurt by our family and friends. This was our first child but she happened to be 10 years old. My family gave everyone on our side a shower for their first child. They said "first child", not first baby. When I mentioned a shower for our daughter I was told by my only sister,"this doesn't count, this is totally different". They did come to a gathering to have a get together. We did not receive one congratulation card. A couple of the families gave her a gift. Most never a card or even said congratulations. My thought to be, closest brother didn't show up. They were coming but a problem arose and they didn't make it. I understand the reason and except it. The problem was they never called us to tell us sorry that we couldn't be there or when can we meet her. After about a month I called and told them how hurt I was, he did say he was sorry. Still we never received a card or a gift and neither did she. The thing that hurt so much was I went to see all 4 of their kids at the hospital brought gifts and bought them Sunday dresses for the first 5 years for the girls. On my husband side of the family we ourselves received one card and no gifts. She did get the gifts after months of living with us. The thing they don't see is we had to buy all the same things as you would for a baby, just bigger. When the christmas family came with aunts, uncles and cousins, we were greeted with "no one told us you had a child". This was over 6 months later. The family was just too big to send out cards. Both his mom and sister see or at least talks to the relatives once a week or more. I guess it wasn't big enough news to tell your own sister you were getting another grandchild. When one of the cousins meant her he was excited and introducted her to everyone. That was very nice. After that the cousin looks at us and says " didn't you want a baby"? {Of course not in front of her). We didn't know what to say, but was very hurt. They have 8 kids of their own. When the sister in law was having her first baby only 3 months later. Everyone in the immediate family said what can we do to help? Is there anything we can do? What would you need us to get for you? I was so hurt. I feel that because I myself could not have a baby that I was treated less. I still today, don't even know what a first time mom feels like. I was so excited when getting our daughter I thought it was like having a baby. When I told a friend how hurt I was she said, " SHE IS NOT YOUR BABY"! One sister in law made me feel so bad when I called to tell her we were considering adopting a 10 year old. Her response was "why are you holding on to this"? Don't get her a bike because we (the relatives) think she will try to run away. I was expecting wow! great! how exciting! I just never thought we would be treated so different. I still cry over this often. I feel less of myself now because of this. All the babies born at the church at the same time all had a shower. There was about 8 of them. No one thought we needed one, I guess they thought adopted 10 year olds came complete with bed, mattress, blanket etc. We got gifts more from people we didn't even know. One aunt after finally hearing of our daughter sent a gift as she does for the fist child in each family. I guess if you can't have a baby yourself it doesn't count. I've always have been the odd duck anyways. Now that the doctor says we more than likely can't have one of our own I will never get the blessing of what all the others in the family got when they had their kids. We finally throw our own big party. Grandma and grandpa and husbands siblings came to the church dedication but none of my husbands side stayed for the party. We finally told them that our daughter sang and played her instrument. I had pictures of all the things we did since we meant her. Even her baby picture, I spent hours making a scrapbook. They asked why didn't you tell us that she she doing all of this? My question was why should I have to tell all about the details and events. If your the grandparents wouldn't you just come without the details? They do love our daughter as part of the family and she is treated no different then the other kids. I guess they are just not thinking you just want to be treated just like they all got. Is it my fault I didn't give her birth? It hurts so much I feel like my best wasn't as good as theirs since they could have a baby and I couldn't. Now that all this happened and we are told we can't have our own I can't even be around the family with their new babies. It hurts to much that I haven't been able to raise one from when they were little. Yes, I want a baby and we are trying to adopt again but this was just to painful. Adoption of an infant is so costly and I hope we can do it somehow. Shouldn't all first time moms be treated the same. Why do I have to feel what I did wasn't as important. Why do I have to feel only a baby counts. Why do I have to feel my best wasn't enough? I can hardly face the pain that this has caused. I just wanted to be a mommy. Our daughter was only little for 3 months and the little girl was gone. I feel so bad I couldn't had raised her. I love her and would do anything for her. The bonding is just so different since she was 10 when we got her. I feel like I missed out on being a mommy. But I know I am her mother. Hurt, sad, lonely, and misunderstood.

[MommaD]

((((stampingdimples)))) I'm so sorry for all the pain your family has caused you

[stampingdimples]

Thanks for your reply MOMMAD MUCH BLESSINGS TO YOU!!

[Tanya'sgirl]

I had just started a new thread asking if anyone out there was having problems with family members accepting or even acknowledging their plans for adoption, when I came across this thread.

My father (in his early eighties) and my husbands parents (in their mid-sixties) have been very unsupportive of our plans to adopt. Actually, my father has been unsupportive and my in-laws pretend it's not even going on. This is very hurtful for my husband and I. My mother died 13 years ago, but I know that if she was alive today she would be very supportive. I feel the people that we are suppose to be the closest to are really the farthest from us. My father thinks we are too old to adopt or have a child of our own (we are in our mid-forties and have gone through 5 1/2 years of infertility treatments since we've been married, to no avail). He also thinks we are not worthy of a child because we still live in an apartment. (We've spent most of our savings on fertility treatments and are now saving for our adoption, we can't afford to buy a house.) My in-laws never ask us about our adoption plans, about the process we are going through, about the stress and dissappointment, nothing. When we bring it up, they seem to change the subject. Even our siblings avoid talking about our adoption. If it weren't for a few close friends, our church and this adoption forum we would feel very alone in all of this.

It's amazing how many people out there are going through the same thing. Families are suppose to love you and support your decisions unconditionally, but it doesn't always work out that way.

We hope that once our child is here they change and accept him or her as their true grandchild!

[lcravens]

WOW!

[lcravens]

WOW!

I guess I should be happy to know that my husband and are not alone in this area. However, it actually makes me quite sad! I know that in all cases it may not be related to "adoption" but I KNOW for a fact that it is adoption-related in my case. It is sad that people are still "in the dark age" when it comes to the benefits of adoption.

My husband and I are in the process of adopting a baby boy who is due on October 26th (our 8th wedding annivesary) through an "open adoption". We have been ttc for 5 years and have had 3 m/c. We NEVER gave up on trusting God to give us a "miracle" and Bless us with a bio-child. However, adoption was always a part of our plan even before we were married. Which probably stems from the fact that both of us were taken in as teenagers and raised by people other than our birthparents and that I have given up a child for adoption (a son born out of child-molestation at age 13).

When I received a call from the birthmom (whom we knew through a mutual friend) asking me to adopt her baby, we were OVERWHELMED with joy mingled with fear, of course. This was in March. We were immediately met with opposition. We were told how "adopted kids" always have emotional and mental problems because they were "given away". We were told that we would not be as successfully raising an "adopted child" as we would a "birth child" because of the difference in genetics. Just tons of negativity for what should have been a joyous occassion. Even our spiritual leader (at the time -not any more) seem to allude to the fact that adoption was not a part of God's plan. That the birthmom should raise her own child because that was her responsibility.

My husband and I prayed and sought God and proceeded with the peace that this was His will for our lives! It has been a WONDERFUL journey. I have been to every doctor's appointment. We have named our son, Courtland Jamerion. Throughout the journey, we've had to endure negative talk and criticism but we have forged forward, nonetheless.

One of the most painful experiences of all came a couple of weeks ago. A couple of our very loving and well-meaning friends are throwing us a baby shower this weekend. While attending a cousin's wedding, I handed out invitations to this shower. One of my aunt's responded very loudly, "If you're not having a baby, I'm not coming to a shower. I want my own "real" neice or nephew. I was SO HURT! How could someone be so cruel.

At any rate, I agree with many of the other posts, we each just have to look at the BLESSINGS that God has given us and thank Him for it! Be grateful for those that we have in our lives who are loving and supportive. Also be thankful that we are finding out now about all those who are not supportive so that our children do not have to be subject to their rudeness and ignorance!

God Bless Everyone!

[twogrls]

Just to show it's not always adoption, when I had my second child a vast majority of family did not respond at all to the announcement. The following Christmas I got a card insulting the fact I'm "still" a SAHM. Sometimes people are just too self centered IMO to stop and celebrate. I am sorry this happened to you. If you can't forgive them and move on, perhaps write a note expressing your feelings and that you don't expect anything from them, you just haven't been able to move on without letting them know how you were hurt and had expected them as friends to share your joy. I like closure, it keeps things simple and gives me peace of mind. Take care.

[lcravens]

Two girls,

I understand what you're saying but you're talking about a second child. Few people in my family receive showers after the first baby but we are talking about our first child --- that's the difference!

LT

[twogrls]

I think people should always send a note congratulating a person even if it's their fifth child--I know I always do (and generally a gift b/c it's a new person). All children are special and worth celebrating IMO . I didn't want gifts or even expect them. But, to have friends send notes or gifts and church give a huge basket to all of us having our second children showed me some people do find it just as important. My family is just not in that group apparently. I think it is really terrible how people didn't respond to your first child. Clearly, they are not worth your time as friends.

[michellemartin]

IMO every child should get a seperate shower (unless its like quintuplettes!) My sis is having her second soon. I'm throwing her a shower, and even if it were her 5th... hers arent adopted, but even if they were, she'd be getting a shower.

[lcravens]

What I am saying is not that it is okay or a good idea to give a shower only to the first born. I am saying that people in this thread are comparing apples to oranges. The adoptive parents are talking about family members and co-workers who did not respond favorably to the adoption of their FIRST child while birth parents are chiming in that it does not necessarily have anything to do with adoption because people did not respond well to my 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc. That's apples and oranges. We're talking FIRST CHILD. YES!Each birth is important and worth celebrating but it is very uncommon in a family/work situation that someone's first born is totally OVERLOOKED. I ADORE children, I always bring a gift to a new child whether it is the 1st or the 10th but that's an entirely DIFFERENT thread. There is a difference ladies and gentlemen. I KNOW there is in my case. It's not paranoia or speculation. In case you missed it in my first post on this thread, I was told "Unless YOU are HAVING a baby, I'm not coming to a shower!"

[stampingdimples]

I agree with you. We are talking about missing the excitment of our first child. This is about the difference of birth children /adopted children. Everyone one of my sister and sister-in laws had a shower. Ours didn't count. It made me feel so much low self esteem. I couldn't make them a baby so I don't get the special treatment they all got. We took in an 10 year old for our first child. This kid had a lot of problems and we don't even get cerdit for doing this. We did this child a great favor by giving her a family. Of course you will love your own but what about a child that has no parents to care for them and call them their family. At least now that she is here they love her as a family member. It is us that is hurt that our best just wasn't good enough. How can you give them a real bio baby if your body doesn't do it? Should we be treated less because we can't give birth. I feel I'm not worth much as a women because I disappoint them all. If I didn't dissapoint them then why was I treated different. All 1st children should be treated equal here. I is not how they got here it is a celebration that you now have your 1st. child. Not that 2nd. and 3rds. don't count. I gave them gifts to. But even our first didn't receives gifts from the ones we bought for their 4th child. We didn't get congradulation cards on our very 1st. child. Is that painful or what?

[sugarbabysmommy]

It always surprises me that people choose not to celebrate new familes. Sometimes I think it's adoption ignorance, feeling like one doesn't know the protocal, sometimes it is a lack of understanding of the importance, either way it hurts

Stampingdimples, I understand you're in a great deal of pain. There are many issues surrounding infertility that take time to work through. Please don't think I'm being harsh when I say this, but it is very disturbing to read you say that you did this young girl a great favor for adopting her. A favor implies she owes you something in return. Maybe you were not aware of how this sounded. As for the problems your daughter has had, no you won't get credit, just as most biological parents won't.

I'm very sorry there was no celebration of your new family as there should have been. I'm sorry your sisters etc. don't see the importance of celebrating your daughter joining their family. It sounds like some priorities are out of whack.

How long ago did you adopt? Why don't you give a welcome home party for your daughter? We threw our own party when our little one came home, didn't ask for gifts (but plenty were given). We're very glad we did it, secretly I do wish we'd had a shower thrown by someone else (as we were promised), with all the hoopla and everything, but at the end of the day, I have my child with me and that's what matters most.

[stampingdimples]

Just want to clear up something. I didn't mean to sound like I feel that our daughter owes us something. I just meant that the family should of treated us as special as everyone else because 1st of all she was our 1st child. Secondly shouldn't it be thought of as we gave this child a family when there was one else. We opened our home and hearts to love a child we didn't birth. Think of it as giving someone a new start in life so lets enourage them for wanting to help a child in need. Yes, I do now understand after two years that it is they just don't understand infertility and adoption. It is just that it seems I'm always the one in the family that has a situation that is dfferent then the rest. I'm always the one that has to teach them things are not always a normal way as they see normal. It hurts when over and over they don't understand your situation because it is different. If you read back on the fourm, I did share about the party we gave and still how the grandparents reacted and my closest brothers family never came to anything we did or even sent a card even after two years. Even after I called and told them how they hurt me. People have so much lack of understanding when they haven't walked in your shoes. I feel like the women that I read in another fourm. Unless you give us a baby of your owe we won't get you anything because we want a baby from you! What is strange is people we didn't know well treated us more special then our closes friends/families. One women I just meant at church gave me a gift for being a first time mom. I was shocked I didn't even know her. I guess maybe because she herself was adopted as an infant and had a good life because someone took her in and loved her. Hope this sounds better. I don't always get out what I'm really meaning to say. Thanks for your support!