[allanacw]

My husband and I are at the very beginning of the adoption process, and are debating when to tell our families that we are applying to adopt. We currently do foster relief on the weekends, and have had some conflict with my parents over it. His parents have been wonderful, but gave us a "talk" last weekend about how they have very strong feelings about us having bio children first. I smiled and said "It's lucky my life isn't democratic process, then."

We have not said anything specific to our families at this point, and are expecting opposition when we do. My husband wants to wait to tell them because it could be 18 months before our homestudy, and I think we should tell them soon.

We do not have any children at this point, and are looking for a sibling group under the age of 8 or 9, and will be adopting through our local Children's Aid Society.

So, I'm looking for feedback from everyone on when/how you told your parents, and anything that made it easier.

Thank you so much!


Allana

[ebur]

we shared in our wants to adopt with everyone and we mostly got bad feedback on the subject and i would also caution you not sharing any information about the child's background when that time comes let everyone make there own opinion for themselves not what is in the children's profile. i know this sounds bad but it is the truth alot of people dont understand adoption and foster and didnt take the time to find out more before saying things about it..

my story is my dh and i have no children of our own and are in the process of adopting an 10 yrs. old boy and peolpe even down to my parents are not being supportive, so my advice is to do what god and your heart is telling you to do, and not share anything until you know what child for sure.
ERICA

[ArmyWife55]

i dont know your family, so i cant tell you what you should or shouldnt do.

we are at the very beginning stages of our adoption and its funny you made this post because just today we sent out letters to our immediate families telling them of our intent to adopt. its a tradition in my side of the family to send out announcements when someone gets pregnant, and we want our families to be just as excited about this, so we decided to follow tradition as if we were pregnant. we also come from two very supportive and loving families.


only you and your husband really know whats right for you. follow your heart. dont do what you feel you "should" do... do what you know in your heart is right and you wont go wrong.

good luck in whatever you decide!

[mj77]

I was glad we talked with our families when we started the adoption process. Their initial reaction was shock that we chose this path when we thought we could concieve, and I needed them to have time to digest it all so they would be able to accept our child fully. It wasn't that any of them were not for us adopting, it's just they had to grieve (lack of better word) that they would not see a little carbon copy of me or a little Bry, my dh, running around (get past the DNA thing). I am sure they wondered if they would love the child the same or what if they had major issues... Once we told them and let them chew on it a little while, they were SO VERY supportive. They started paying more attention to adoption articles, other adoptive families, and learned that it is not so abnormal.

With our parents, because we weren't adopting a baby, they had to get past not holding their baby grandchild. These kids have a history too that they weren't a part of. My mom was a fist time grandma with our son too and so longed for me to have a baby. We found out we were infertile though and they all became more understanding (though that is a whole different issue--uhgg). They have done wonderful, and if anything, our son is special in that he became a part of our family in a different way from everyone.

[Just Julie]

I echo what mj77 says. Give your friends and family advance notice. You will not want them making off-the-wall comments around your new child, and time will give all of you a chance to honestly talk things over. If they get out of line, you can tell them you will not tolerate comments like that, but hopefully they will express support and you can thank them.

[amaz5]

My immediate family knew about our trying to conceive and not being able to but we had not shared it with my husband's family. When we decided to start the process of adoption, we did not tell anyone until we had to get the reference letters and then only told the people we were using as references. Our mothers and 3 close friends. Okay, to be honest, we didn't tell them outright. When they received the letters for them to fill out from the TDPRS office, they (our mothers) called us and asked what was happening. They were excited but a little concerned because of the experiences the children in child protective services have suffered in their birth homes. They were both very supportive once we explained things to them and also explained how we were going to research very thoroughly, think everything through, and be absolutely certain before we made any decisions regarding children.
NOW?? HAHAHAHAHA....we can't keep the grandma's away. They adore the kids and pick them up whenever they can and spoil them rotten! The grandparent's are loving it and actually cry when they talk about how blessed we are and how much they love the kids. We are very fortunate. Maybe it's because they knew how difficult it was for us during our infertility days and how much the kids mean to us. I don't know but I do know that it's so incredible how the families have just welcomed these kids and treat them as though they were never away from us or adopted at all. Sometimes we even forget that we didn't actually give birth to them!
As for our friends, we called them to let them know and ask if they would be references. They had questions but were all cautiously supportive. I guess they just wanted us to look at this realistically and not idealistically if that makes sense.
overall most everyone has been nice. The few unfortunate acquaintances or distant family members who made the mistake of making off-color remarks or the like have been torn into by our families and friends before we ever got to them.
I wish you the best.

[allanacw]

Thanks so much to everyone for your replies! I have found them very helpful.

My husband told my father yesterday, who then told my mom (the less supportive about adoption). She and I talked about it a couple of hours later, and they are both cautiously supportive. It isn't what they would have chosen for us, but they are behind us.

Next step: telling the in-laws. My mother asked if she could watch because we are all expecting fireworks! More seriously, this will be the harder conversation of the two. They are very upfront with their opinions ("Why do you wear your hair like that?", "Why are you so strict with children?", "Why would you paint your house that colour?"), and while we're firm each time, we know more "Why" questions will come.

I find it's hard to have an open dialogue with them. When they verbally barrage us with questions, and continually say "Well, why not this instead?", they are really saying we're wrong and that our decision should be questioned. I know their hearts are in the right place, and when it's my hair, or my house, it's easier to disagree with them and walk away from the argument. But this time they will need to understand that while we want to hear their feelings, and answer their questions, we will not tolerate them trying to persuade us. We have thought this through and made a decision that is right for us.

Thank you again for all of your support and feedback. I have really, really appreciated it.

Allana