[GretschDrummer]

I was wondering if anyone has experienced problems when adopting as related to baby showers. My wife and I have adopted (birth adoption) and have not been asked if we want a shower thrown by our closest friends and co-workers. There are so many things we need. We adopted over three weeks ago.

At my office there are showers thrown all of the time. I participate in them (I am a guy) and spend money on other children. But when it comes to our adoption, no one is offering to throw one.

Has anyone had this problem? How should I, or should I address it? It saddens me to think people consider an adoption not worthy of a celebration. But they do not hesitate to ask me for money when someone has a birth.

Thank you in advance!

Love in Christ,
GretschDrummer

[HappyTwinsMom]

When we adopted our twins at birth, our co-workers, friends and family didn't even ask if they could throw showers...they just DID it. We wound up having four separate showers. Plus, our church brought meals into our home the first week we were back from the hospital (the babies were released from the NICU at 1 month) just as they would do with a mom who had given birth.

It's a shame that your friends and family don't seem to understand how special and important a baby shower would be to you.

[bromanchik]

You know, I would just ask, in an excited manner, "So when is the baby shower? My wife and I are so excited that it is finally our turn!"

[GretschDrummer]

Thank you for the advise! I will try that.

You know, I didn't even think about our church group. They have not offered either.

Sad.

[mj77]

If what bromanchik suggested wont work, you can always do an open house type welcome party for your baby. "Join us to celebrate ____'s arrival into our family with us." Invite family and friends to have a get together at your home for a BBQ or potluck or something of the sort. You don't have to mention gifts. The ones who have the heart to bless you with them will. If you don't want to do it at your house, find a park or a restaraunt. If anyone brings up that you have had the baby for a few weeks already just tell them you want the photo opportunity for your child so when they grow up they can see how everyone welcomed their arrival.

[GretschDrummer]

mj,

As always, excellent advise!

thank you!

[mlbsands]

I am sorry that your friends have not offered this.. but I also have to say that no one should expect this..

I know that we are also very excited about adopting and I will be sad if we don't get a shower but I would never dream of asking people to throw one for me..

I like the suggestion to just throw an open house kind of party for yourself.. those that want to bring gifts will..

Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

[amom4life]

I wouldn't feel right asking anyone to give us a shower either. I think that would be tacky. Plus I would only want someone to do this for us if it was coming from their heart not because we asked.

The open house is the way to go if no one has offered a shower as your way of celebrating the joy of your child with friends and family. YOU show THEM how special and important your child is to you

Let us know how it goes!
God Bless,
Judy

[mj77]

Judy said it right, showing them how important the baby is to you.
This party is for the baby, so it is more than appropriate for you to through something for baby. I think it would say a lot.

[moroka]

I was given a shower by my coworkers and a shower by a friend and sisters. But, ONLY the first time. My first was 2 yrs. 4 mos. when I got her. My second was 13 months and a boy. The only thing I had for him was a booster chair and a portable umbrella stroller. Everything else was too big or for a girl. Well, my family offered a shower but I felt uncomfortable letting them (not sure why!). The coworkers in my department (new location-same business) finally had a very small (6 including me) shower 4-5 months later after I brought home my sons bio sister. Again I had nothing for this child. She was a 4 month old girl. I didn't have a crib, stroller, carseat, tub, bottles, diapers, nothing for an infant girl. I guess the novelty just wears off after the first or second child. I do have some very close friends who gave me hand-me-downs of clothes, a carseat, and a highchair. I appreciated it more than anything they could have bought me. I am a single parent and do need to watch every penny. I guess because I must appear very much able to take care of myself, noone thought that I might need or just want a little attention or help. I have learned that my neighbors and family and closest friends mean a lot to me. They helped when I needed it. Work friends are simply coworkers. They have a job to do and may not be able to or think of having a shower for "another" baby.

I do agree that you "deserve" a shower. How can anyone in your office think that an adopted baby needs less or doesn't need to be recognized like any other "new" baby. Shame on your coworkers!!

[logansmom]

I don't understand why aparents should be treated any different, then birthparents. You want a shower just like anyone else that just had a baby. Do they think you aren't real parents because you did it a different way? My son's amom didn't have a baby shower either, she said she didn't want one, but I think her family just wasn't offering. I would deffinately say something.

[mlbsands]

I don't think anyone is saying that just because you adopt that you don't deserve a shopwer.. we know of a couple that was having a baby and they threw there OWN shower!!!! (becasuse know onw was thorowing one for them)..

So.. its not just a-parents that don't get showers.. sometimes people just don't know whats appropriate or who should throw the shower..

My husband and I talked about this last night and also agreed that we would likely have an "open house" for people to meet our new little one..

Good lcuk and let us know what you descide..

Congrats onyour little one... )

[hopeangel]

I agree with moroka and logansmom!!!! You and your wife deserve a shower like anyone else. Does your wife work? It could be the old double standard in not wanting to have the shower for a man. Hopefully, not. I pray you get a shower at church and at work. If you participated in the other showers, I believe when it is your turn you should also get a shower. I think the housewarming is a good idea also. We had two almost immediate placements and find it very difficult to plan. I want the benefits of a shower(games, gifts and attention), as I have been and bought for a million of them. Unfortunately, we will not be able to have one until after the baby is placed, which means we will have to buy the most important things b/c we will need them.

[mj77]

The thing is though, it would be appropriate if people were to through this family a shower, but no one is under any obligation to do so. It should be done out of someone's heart to bless and unfortuantely, when it comes to adoption, people sometimes don't have the same tact or concideration like they do when someone births a baby. We don't demand that someone throughs us a party for our birthdays. We also don't demand someone through our children a birthday party instead of us. If GretschDrummer starts feeling owed something, bitterness can set in and that is no benifit to anyone. Don't let the enemy get a foothold there. Instead, I would just show everyone how important this baby is and do your own party. Some people are really ignorant as to what to say or do. Some of us were ignorant too at one time. It is better to not be bitter and move on (JMHO).

Melissa

[sugarbabysmommy]

If you have an office bulliten board where co-workers post good news, post an announcement of your child's arrival. Many of the people we have come into contact with didn't seem to know how to act or what to say surrounding our adoption. The more upfront and open we were, the more people relaxed. Many still hold antiquaited notions, that adoptions are hush hush, only you can dispell that. Do the same at your church, post something where other public notices are made by parishoners proclaiming your joy. In our case, my co-workers were too nervous to give us a shower until certain legal steps had taken place. An open house is another great idea, again it gives folks a chance to relax and see for themselves just how proud you are of not only your child, but of being an adoptive family.