[bromanchik]

Originally posted by mj77
The thing is though, it would be appropriate if people were to through this family a shower, but no one is under any obligation to do so. It should be done out of someone's heart to bless and unfortuantely, when it comes to adoption, people sometimes don't have the same tact or concideration like they do when someone births a baby.
Melissa

Melissa
It is important that adoptive parents demand to be treated like everyone that gives birth.... for the child's sake. This is about the child, not the parents. How do you think the child is going to feel when they find out their arrival did not warrent a shower while everyone else's did. Now is the time to stop the double standard, not just give up and accept it. Adopted children should not be treated differently under any circumstances, including their welcome into the community. If that community celebrates with a baby shower than that is what an adopted child deserves.

[Momof2andcats]

I guess when I think about this, I would NEVER demand that anyone throw me a party. I don't think this has anything to do with bio vs adoptive situations-it all boils down to common courtesy.

A baby shower is a party-a party to welcome the child. Would you demand that your friends throw you a birthday party because you felt you deserved one?

When my second child came home, not a single mention was given by the Church or by my extended family and friends. It still bugs me to this day because I do see the doubestandard. But I would have never dreamed in a million years of asking people to buy me things in the form of a party etc.

I think when it comes down to asking when other people are going to be throwing me a party-I would be so embarrassed if I were one of the co workers asked that.

Yes it is unfortunate that these people didn't think about it. But wouldn't you feel like a total fool sitting at that shower knowing that it was thrown out of obligation and not out of love or friendship?

I totally agree with the other posters about having an open house. I love throwing get togethers so this would be right up my alley. I think this would be a wonderful way to welcome the child as compared to a baby shower thrown out of guilt or obligation-Sarah(mom of 2)

[mj77]

bromanchik, I just didn't want the poster to feel bitter toward not being offered a shower. I think that would be counterproductive. I know of women who gave birth to their children who didn't get a shower. We adoptive parents do deserve to be treated equally, I agree, but unfortuantely some people are very ignorant. I guess what I should have said is there is a difference between deserving a shower and being owed one. It is about the baby. Not so much about recieving things for the baby but having people around to celebrate in support of the baby. That, I felt could be achieved by the parents holding something for their baby themselves if no one would do it for them.

[sunnysideup]

Hi just had to jump in here. Not only did we not have a shower thrown for our daughter we were told not to have a welcome party because it was inapproprate after we brought her home because even though TPR had occured and we had signed the intent to adopt contract she was still a foster daughter until we finalized the adoption. Looking back now I think that was more hurtful to us than anything.

I was just wondering is your situation a straight adoption?

I was thinking if it was how about baby announcements? This is what we did.

"With all the joy our hearts can hold help us welcome" and then tell them all about your pride and joy. Maybe that will clunk them in the head

After we sent them out people started sending things for her.

Also, when we finalized my hubby passed our chocolate cigars at work.

[jewelewis]

That is sooo sad. My husband and I are adopting a baby due in August. We have been offered showers at church, work and just through friends. My Sundany School class id doing meals for us when we bring the baby home. That is so sad that adoption isnt thought of as important as giving birth. Of course I told them I didnt want the shower until after the baby is born.

Julie

[bromanchik]

I am not encouraging forced obligation, but education. Many people act out of ignorance rather than indifference or malice. I think if he spoke up he might have a load of people who actually want to give him a shower, but do not know how to approach it out of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Letting our friends, family and co-workers live in the dark is certainly not going to help them and it is certainly not going to help our child either.

I have found that you get what you expect from most people. If you expect respect, care and consideration you will get it. Sometimes you have to speak out. Let people know what your needs are.

[Guspiv]

I wouldnt feel right asking people to throw a shower, although I agree with you it should be a given, people should automatically want to celebrate.
If I were you and your wide I would throw a party of my own. Sort of a open house inviting friends an family to come and meet your new addition. That is what we plan to do. I have thrown countless showers and participated in many at work myself, I would be crushed if someone didnt offer.

One other suggestion is maybe you can ask a very close friend who you feel comfortable with to throw you a shower because you need a lot of things, or maybe ask you parents if they are around to throw you a shower.

[spitzlvr]

I was just reading this thread and had a thought for moroka, and others who had a shower for the 1st child only.

In my family we always give a huge shower for the first child. The logic is the new parents have nothing, and we help fill the need. But for the next kids, we don't. We don't because we assume the stuff for the first will work for the next. We may have small showers, giving new clothes and such, but not the large, giving crib, stroller, carseat type. The only exception is if there is a very large time gap (not age gap) between children. The thought there is the original items may be sold, or so old they are no longer good.

When I read moroka's post, it made me realize, at least for my family, when it comes to adopted children, we need new 'rules'. For bio-kids, they all come into our homes as an infant. Adopted kids can come in at various ages, so a second child can have needs that the parents cannot fill, and have not yet encountered, so another shower is needed by the family. (My family).

Now, what all this rambling means is sometimes people don't realize you have the need. I will never forget, now. But yesterday, I would not have thought of it. And I am an adoptee.

I hope all this made sense.

Mary

[moroka]

I think I was really just too busy building my family (during the holidays) for anyone to plan a shower. I don't hold it against them!

[GretschDrummer]

WOW!!!! So many responses! That is why this forum is SO awesome. Though we may all not agree, we know this topic is important.

Thank you to everyone who particiapted and prayed about this. It really helped to get advise from those who have "been there".

To update, our family did throw a shower for us. I knew they would. But the co-workers have not.

One person here offered advise to send birth announcements to encourage poeple to think about offereing our child a shower. My wife and I did this. No luck. Basically people just emailed back and said congrat's.

As stated before, I have been asked to participate and send money for others showers. So I must say I was expecting the same for our adoption.

I agree with others commets that this is for our child. So to be a little bold is not bad. But I am not willing to demand a shower. An open house is probably what we will do. In the invitation, we plan to ask everyone to clip coupons for us so we can get the things we need. This should spark some help. This also lets tham know that we need help.

As always, thank you SO much for all advise. This place is GREAT!!!

God bless you all!

[mj77]

I think the clipping coupons is a great idea.

[stillwaiting]

Gosh, Hubby and I went through 8 years of infertility and one failed adoption and I did not want ANY baby things in my home until we brought OUR baby home. Our son was born in July and the ONLY thing I had for him were some outfits. I asked one of the sweet ladies in our church if I could borrow some of her son’s things (pack-n-play, bouncy seat, car seat) and she gladly offered. She is adopted as well!!!

We really needed a shower. With all the cost and expense to adopt a shower was a huge blessing to us. We had an open house/welcome home/shower. Our family, friends and church family came. We even received several meals.

I guess most folks don't understand the trials of infertility and adoption and how much we looooonnnggg for a child.

I am like the original poster...I have contributed to soooooo many baby showers in the past (with the added sadness of not having my own child) I would have appreciated the favor returned.