[mj77]

We have had a 6 mo. old baby placed with us as a foster-to-hopefully-and-likely-adopt. Many people in our church (specifically Sunday school class, mom's group ) knew my husband and I were waiting to adopt again. I brought the baby in the week before last to show him off in Sun. school and people were somewhat happy but most just said congrats and walked off. I have had a similar reaction from women in mom's group. The "oh, how nice for you" responce very unlike the very warm welcome the mom's get that birth their babies. Well this last week in my S.s. class, it was as if everyone forgot about us getting a baby until someone announced that there was going to be a shower after I handed them a flyer for it. There is also a ministry there where they bring meals to new moms or people who are just out of the hospital. If any of you have read my other posts about the issues we are having with this new baby and our first son, I have been struggling to function and would have been so blessed by meals. I was hearing them talking about setting up meals for another lady who's had a baby. They must assume because I didn't give birth that we are not going through any kind of adjustment, mentally, emotionally, spiritually or otherwise.

I was just wondering if any of you out there have experienced different treatment because you have adopted. With our first son, it seemed that people were more happy for us. We weren't in need of any services with him so that never bothered me. I just wonder if we are being treated differently because there is the possibility of loosing this baby.

Melissa

Also, I would like to add, some day down the road I will see to it that adoptive mom's get the same services to bless them durring their transition as bmommies do. I think the people at church just really don't know what it is like to take in a baby by adoption. I just needed to vent. Thanks

[tobeafamily]

Melissa,

I'd have a heart-to-heart chat with your pastor. Look at it as an opportunity to educate - God puts the babies where He wants them, we become parents different ways, etc.

We were lucky in that our church has many afamilies including families through waiting child/foster care adoption. All are celebrated, all are supported whether the child came from God thorugh their bodies or only their hearts.

Hang in there.

Regina

[HappyMomAnna]

We have had the same kind of feelings that you have---and I understand how you feel.

I guess that there is some kind of idea that things are different when we adopt then when we give birth---no one even thought about having a shower or that our family was under such stress for the longest time after our children were placed....... I would agree that talking to the Pastor is a good choice. It just seems that some of us who adopt are seen as a different kind of parent--I think some people also belive that because we have gone through the state we are Saints too...don't need anything because we are such strong people willing to love less then the perfect child---I don't get it myself....

I really like your idea about being instermental in the future and helping the church family see that adoption is as much a change of life for a family as any other family change can be....

[saxxxy]

I am so sorry that you are being recieved that way by your church group.

I belong to the LDS church and they have been wonderful to us. They forced meals on us even though I told them we were fine. There are also several other people in our church ward and in our neighborhood who have adopted. I can think of three other families just off the top of my head. It sounds like your group needs some adoption education.

Enjoy your new baby!!

[amom4life]

Melissa,
I'm so sorry that you are being treated like this!

Our church family was and is so supportive. Many came by our home to meet Elijah because they knew we were not planning to go to church that first Sunday after we brought him home. We had a meal delivered to us the first night we were back and they kept coming for a week. Before and after the service we are always surrounded with people waiting to see and hold him still.

I can't even imagine my brothers and sisters acting as you have described. Maybe your pastor could do a sermon on adoption too, the fact that we are all adopted into God's family.

I think your plan to educate is a good one! I will pray for God to give the people in your church understanding.
HUGS!
Judy

[mj77]

Thank you all for your kind words. I really do think something should be said but I would want to wait a while. I wouldn't want people just helping us out of guilt. Adopting has taught me so much about sensitivity. I very well could have been one of those people in my church who has shyed from us if I didn't know what I did about adoption. I think so many have the misconception that it is settling for second best. It is totally not. It's just a different way families come together. I was actually asked to talk this fall to our mom's group about adoption. I will be praying hard for what God would have me share. I too think there is a lack of education out there. I don't want people to feel pity for us for adopting. We chose to adopt. I just want the understanding from people that even if us adoptive moms don't birth these babies, we certainly labor for them in our hearts and almost every other way.

Melissa

[tGbtg]

I've heard it said that natural blondes cannot understand all that is involved in someone getting their hair colored. I'm guessing here that it might be the same for bmoms vs. amoms! I mean...I would WISH that I could go through nine months of pregnancy! I'd be willing to york at the sight of food for 6 weeks, have stretch marks, swollen ankles etc etc...to have a child that was a blend of my husband and me! Sometimes I think the relationship between bmom, amom, and adoptee get so out of whack! If I had my druthers...it would be to have my own child--not the amoms! But since there is this void in our lives, why not help out a child who has a void because they don't have parents? That's the way I see it. Perhaps I need more counselling? Perhaps I should be praying more that God will show me His plan in all this. Thanks for listening. Sometimes I post, just to try and sort my thoughts and emotions out (: (:

[Michelle 053002]

we attend 2 churches the one I grew up in and the one my hubby grew up in. My church sends out gift baskets to new families. My dd was adopted at birth and we got nothing. My hubbies church makes up tote bags with the chilld's name on and a home made bib and a few books. We got ours after our adoption was finalized(dd was 13 months old) I was told we forgot about you. We are in that church every other Sunday and everyone fusses over her all the time. I actually had some one have the nerve to say to me one time, during a discusion of labor and delivery- " oh that's right, you took the easy way out" I left the room so they didn't see me cry. I may not have gone through the physical pain of birth, but we went through the emotional pain of a disrupted adoption (we view that as an adoptive misscarriage) and all the other emotions of adoption and infertility. It wasn't easy, I would not trade my dd for anything, but I would not say adoption is the easy way out either.

Congrats on your baby. We here are all excited for you.
Michelle

[mj77]

I had talked with one of the girls in our S.s. group and told her my feelings (we are close enough friends to do so) and she said she was so sorry and believed the others didn't do anything because they didn't know what the right thing to do was. Appearantly some don't want to ask us if we want help because they are affraid to approach us and not have the right words to say. That might be why others were somewhat ignoring us. I wish people didn't feel that way but I guess I can understand.

[jewelewis]

Just this Sunday at church I was approached by a lady in my ss class who asked me to fill out a meal list of things I would like brought to the house after the baby arrives. The baby is due in August. I think that people not knowing what to say is an excuse they wouldn't say that about someone who has given birth. The process of getting the baby is different. We have a homestudy visits and others have a romantic candlelit dinner. However, the outcome is the same a child is home with their family. All should be treated the same. I do have say my church has been WONDERFUL!! One Sunday night my pastor was talking to the church about the adoption and did a little dance and said he cant wait to see this baby. It was soooo cute.
Julie

[GretschDrummer]

Sometimes churches just do not understand. Personally it makes me mad when someone refers to our adoption as a way to fill a void. But, then I just look at our daughter.

You know, poeple are sometimes mean. But you child will always love you. God will always love you. He knows what we go through with adoption. He knows our struggles. If the churches don't understand, it is because they are uncomfortable and uneducated in this area. Take it upon your self to educate them. Soon they will realize that adoption is an act of pure love.

I heard in a forum here that a little girl had made her class jealous one day. She told her classmates that she was adopted and her AP had waited for 4 years to finally get her home. She asked her classmates how much thier parents love them. She asked if they had ever proved it by waiting or wanting something that much. As the story goes, one little girl went home and asked her parents if she could be adopted. She wanted to be loved that much.

Keep the faith my friends. There are children of God that need us to love them unconditionally. Churches may never fully understand. But what is a church? Church is a group of believers in Christ. It is not the building or the sanctuary. If those in your church are true believers, they will understand and God will lead them. Pray for there education and understanding. They will come around. If not, they may not be a real part of your church.

Love in Christ,

GretschDrummer
Adoptive dad* of 1
*there is only 1 Father (God)

[paperchasingmom]

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad feelings....I know what you're speaking of--not just with church too, but with so many other people as well...I have to honestly believe that people just don't know and if they don't know they feel they can't say anything about something they don't know....BUT, what they should know is the fact that YOU are now a mother to precious children and these children, AS ALL CHILDREN, are worthy to be loved....so why the difference in showing love since all children are worthy to be loved, especially since that's the teaching of the church, to love everyone, right????

It boggles my mind too....so, does it boil down to people NOT being able to show love to an adopted child, just because they were born via someone elses body? What difference does that make--you're celebrating a child, the final outcome, the child--NOT "HOW" they were brought into this world, right???? Most children are adopted because the women who birthed them cannot care for them and these parents are CHOOSING that their own children be adopted and loved for and cared for by someone else who can....so, are they saying, the people at church, that as a society, these innocent beautiful children, through no fault of their own, are LESS important??? In your church, whether or not they feel that way or not, they're basically doing that, in my opinion by their actions or LACK of actions to you and your beautiful well, deserving children....

It breaks my heart to think you're sitting in church feeling hurt and that should be the VERY PLACE where you go to feel better....

I agree that I think a quiet, confidential meeting with your pastor is a wonderful idea and he can, (maybe in time for Father's Day...) incorporate how even Jesus was "adopted" by his earthly father...my gosh, if Joseph hadn't been willing to "adopt" Jesus and accept the christ child and be willing to love him as his own, then Jesus never would have had an earthly father to raise HIM....that's my personal take on that--and what a better story to share for Father's Day...how yes, God the Father is the ultimate father, but he also had an earthly vessel to fulfill the fatherly role Jesus needed when HE was a child....and that was a very beautiful thing and how we are actually following in the footsteps of not only God, (in terms of being an adoptive father to all of us, or Father of all of us), but, also, how Joseph willingly chose to love this "adopted" child-Jesus, a child not of his own flesh and blood, and to honor God's plan for this precious baby!!!! That brings me shivers when I think about it....

I hope and pray things will get much, much better for you...I do hope you decide to have a meeting with your pastor and I'm so thankful that you're going to be speaking at the mother's club as well....I know God will give you the right words to say.....

Hang in there!!!!!! We're all praying for you!!!! Let us know how things turn out, okay?

Blessings,

Melody

[mj77]

MelodyPeter,
Thank you for your words. Honestly I had never really thought about how Christ was adopted. Wow, I know how we are adopted into God's family, I know the story of Moses, but to know Christ, God in the flesh knows adoption is VERY comforting.

As far as people's actions, or lack of, I would almost rather have them state ignorant comments then ignore the situation just because it seems uncomfortable. At least with ignorant comments, it gives me some insight on what I should share or how I should educate. Thank you everyone here. I am very thankful for all of you.

Many blessings,
Melissa

[AnnaE]

Hi! I can relate to what you have said...We adopted our foster child who we had been hoping to adopt for 2 years. When a new baby is born within the congregation a red rose is on the altar. Our child never had that honor..is her life less significant? This happened 7 years ago. I forgive but it still is something I feel was unjust. We have foster babies and although our congregation is very supportive, our Pastors rarely inquire or acknowledge their life. You should recieve every bit of support any new mom gets. The adoption experience enlightens you to all kinds of people. Sometimes the ones who I least expected to "get it" were the ones who did. Blessings and Prayers, AnnaT

[mroot]

Sorry to hear you are being treated differently. Luckily, folks at my church were very excited for us. One thing we did that really made the experience a blessing was to do a "Thanksgiving for an Adoption" service the first sunday we brought the baby to church (we waited until parental rights were terminated when our son was 11 days old). We are Episcopalians, and there is a service in the Book of Common Prayer that is very short, and could be done during announcement time. It is a beautiful service that allows you to come with the baby to the front of the church and in front of all those witnesses, formally thank God for this wonderful blessing. If the child is older, there is a place where he can speak for himself that he takes you as his mother and father! No one in our church even knew the service was in the prayer book and there was not a dry eye in the church afterwards! If you private message me, I could email you a modified copy of this service. Good luck !