[Waiting in SC]

This is my first post and will be long. I'm so upset and frustrated with this process. It has been one year almost to date a few weeks over actually since we filed our application for adoption through our state's Dept of Social Services. It took them from January 2003 - August 2003 to get all the paperwork filed and our homestudy turned in. We were approved immidiately and have been on hold ever since. I guess I should say why we decided to apply to begin with. We are both 24 and have no biological children (yet). I met a beautiful 4 year old little girl last January and the moment I laid eyes on her I just knew I was looking at my daughter (I met her and her foster mother through the hospital I was working at - she had come in for surgery and I already knew she was a foster child b/c of her paperwork even before they actually came in). The day after we got and turned in the first part of our application through DSS. We waited and took classes and had meetings, referrals, the home study, etc. and were approved by August of 2003.
They told us this would be a "quicker" process since we already knew the child and by this time she was 5. I need to say that she also has two older brothers (12, and 9) but the state is undecided on if they will separate them or not. Due to our family circumstances (financial and mine and my husbands age) we both agreed that we would not be able to take all three children. I also need to say that they have been in foster homes separately for three years and according to the foster mother of the little girl the boys don't show much affection for her during the times they have had visitations.
In November they kids had an evaluation to see how they interacted with each other and upon receiving that evaluation DSS will take our cases to committee (for the third time) to see if she can be placed with us. I have been told it is very unusual for a child to go to committee even more than once...but we are going on three. It is now the middle of January one year later and DSS still has not recieved this evaluation from the Dr. and has not set another date for the committee to meet on our cases. "Our" little girl is now going to have her 6th birthday and we will not be apart of it. I pray daily for our situation and for the will of God to be done. But I am going over the situation in my head - over and over and over. I'm to the point of losing sleep not eating well and am mostly distraught over this. I feel as though DSS is dragging their feet on this matter. I have contemplated writing our state representatives in search of some help. It was a suggestion made by a family member actually. I don't know what I would say in a letter but I am feeling so helpless and alone.
My husband is very supportive but the more time goes on I am fighting feelings of near depression over this. I do not feel like I can talk to our case worker because I'm afraid I will appear to be just nuts over this. I'm sorry for the long post but I really needed to vent my feelings and let my heart pour. If anyone has any advice for me PLEASE send it. I'm open for anything. Especially from parents that have gone through social services before. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel and soon on this. I am comforted by my faith but sometimes I need more. HELP!!

[mj77]

Hello,
I am 26 and my husband 27. We adopted though our state DHS. We started our process January 2001 and didn't get certified until August 2001. We then waited 11 months until we were chosen to go to committee. For some people it takes even longer. We too have no bio-kids. I can totally understand your frustration. Your complaint and feelings about the system are very common. But, keep in mind, as hard as it is to see now, God is currently at work. I thought for so long God didn't hear me. I started loosing faith and praying for Him to take my desire to be a mom away. But He didn't. When we got our son, it was then that I got to see so much of what God did behind the scenes to bring our son home to us. His timing was not my timing, but it was perfect. If it didn't take the time that it did, my son would not be mine. In addition to persuing this girl, are you putting in for other children as well? If you need to vent more or have any questions, feel free to send a private message.

Melissa

[Waiting in SC]

I'm so glad you replied! No we have not applied for other children. We are only interested in this child and her situation. We would like to have children one day....we aren't trying really but then again we aren't doing anything to prevent it either. I'm trying to remember that God has a plan and when it's time it will happen. DSS told us that if we were to adopt another child from them at this time it would almost guarantee that we wouldn't get her. So at this point we are not considering other children.

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. I feel alone with my feelings b/c no one that I know that has gone through an adoption did it through the state system. Thanks for your reply!!

[Dianna]

We were selected for twin boys in June of 1996. Our worker gave us their foster mom's phone number and we were hoping for a placement soon. Our worker wanted a psych evaluation before she would let the placement happen as the twins were delayed, had low birth weight and were prenatally exposed to drugs. The boys worker did not followup and never did a pschological evaluation. So we never got the placement. This went on for almost a year. We offered to pay for the eval. but were told that they cost $1,000 and not to do it. Eventually we were selected for a sibling set of 2 girls. We went for this placement because we were tired of waiting for something that may never happen. One month after the girls were placed with us, the boys got their eval. This was one year after we were selected. I don't know what was meant to be. I did get very depressed during this time. My dad also died during our second adoption waiting period. We ended up not able to keep one of the girls. I don't know how the boys would have worked out and I will never know. We had turned down another single child placement for the twin boys. That part of our adoption experience still gives me sadness and confusion. We went on to adopt yet again many years later and had a much better experience.

[Cricket8351]

Hi Waiting in SC,
I worked for Child Protective Services in two different states for over ten years so I am quite familiar with the "system." It can be very frustrating for all involved.

If you truly feeling that the State is dragging their feet then you should write a letter to County Director/Staff Manager/Senior Supervisor or whatever the head of the department in your state is called. I would suggest that an inquiry be made into this child's situation.

I did not catch from your post whether or not parental rights have been terminated. Is this child free for adoption? Is the hold up strictly because no one has made a decision of whether to split the sibling group? If the children are free for adoption then there should be an explanation available as to why they are still in foster care. In most states, long term foster care or permanent foster care is no longer allowed because the current belief is that every child is adoptable.

I can't imagine any court system allowing a child to remain in foster care without either a permanency plan in place...either a reunification or adoption plan.

Writing a letter to the agency head of your county office is where I would start and then if you do not get satisfaction send a letter to your state representative or to your Governor's office.

Due to confidentiality laws, you may not have access to all the information about this child at this point but asking for an inquiry as well as consideration if she is available for adoption would not be inappropriate.

I wish you the very best and hope you get some answers very soon.

T