[lbateman]

I would love to hear from those of you who've dealt with the situation and how you've responded in a Christlike manner.
Prior to adopting our precious 12 & 13 yr old sibling girls, we met with my parents, showed them a video, etc. to bring them into our process of adopting. The girls came to visit last Thanksgiving and the night my parents came over to dinner it was a disaster. My mother was rude, cold, etc. and the girls knew it. My mother later told me that she could not "act" a way she didn't feel. We moved ahead with the adoption because we were certain it was God's call and plan for us. My parents sent me an awful email outlining why this was a bad decision, why they didn't support it and why they would not consider these children their grandchildren. My father has softened his position over these past 9 months however my mother has not. My father came to our adoption ceremony in May, but my mother did not. Oh yeah, they blame us for not "allowing them to get to know the chldren". I dread the upcoming holidays because I do not want to spend time with my mother, given that she has had nearly 10 months now to make some attempt at getting to know our children. We've not been invited to their summer home, or to their home 1 hour from here. I find it difficult to have conversations with my mother on the phone knowing her indifference to my new family situation. I've tried forgiving them, but I still feel angry and resentful--so have I really forgiven them? What are your suggestions regarding the parameters for maintaining a relationship with my mother without it damaging my family or even me? How do I best reflect Jesus to her in this situation?

[MomofKaden]

what a terrible situation. I am so sorry to hear about it! How torn you must be...on one hand not wanting to keep your children away from their grandparents, thus proving your mother's point that they aren't around eachother, yet on the other side, you can't very well go putting your children around your mother who is so unsupportive, because they don't need to have to deal with that! What a mess! I am sorry I don't have more advice, but I just had to respond anyway and tell you I so respect your attitude and trying to do the right thing. Are your parents believers? How does your husband feel about all this? Is his family supportive? Are your children pretty well-adjusted or do they struggle with feeling like they belong/insecure? My initial reaction would be to keep them away from eachother simply because I suppose it is more important they aren't hurt than it is that they have close relations with their grandparents. I think you have to do the right thing by your children more so that your mother, since she can take care of herself. You know what I mean? But, how sad, how sad! I guess you could be around them some - as long as you don't leave the girls without your supervision - you would not want to risk your mother saying anything inappropriate. Perhaps it is a situation where you have felt hurt and stayed away and proved your mother's point. Christ's love might in fact be to invite yourself over to her house, since she doesn't seem to be doing the inviting, or invite her to your home (which may be more comfortable for your girls anyway) and just try to let them know eachother...it isn't like they have to be best friends, but good grief - these are GRANDCHILDREN! If it were me, I wouldn't be able to disregard my mother, because we are too close, I would have to invite her over as often as possible until everyone just got more cozy. But, if your relationship with her is not a huge deal to you, maybe this isn't worth it. Ah, I could go on and on...tell us more and I'll chime in again.

[spaypets]

Lesley,
I realize that the Christian view of forgiveness is different from the faith I was raised in, but it seems to me that your mother hasn't asked for forgiveness or tried to make amends. Therefore you can't possibly forgive her.

As for holidays, I think you are obligated to be polite, as is your mother (even if she can't embrace these children as relations, she should at least be polite and not rude). Would she be rude to strangers who were your friends? If not, then ask her to at least give your children the same level of politeness that she would give to strangers. Her rudeness only serves to diminish her in everyone's eyes.

Actually it occurs to me that one way to keep your mother polite is to invite someone she doesn't know to these events. Your mother might be less rude if there was a witness. Or, invite your or her pastor!

You are under no obligation to subject your children to hurt so if you don't think your mother can behave civilly, then don't invite her. You can tell her that you are honoring her in this way because her bahavior diminishes her and you do not want to see her debase herself like that.

[lbateman]

To answer your questions:
-Are my parents believers? Dad, yes. Mom, not so sure.
-How does my husband feel about all this? She's treated him similarly during our 15 years of marriage and my parent's lack of support in no way surprises him. He can't understand why I continue to be shocked at their behavior.

Is his family supportive? His birthparents are died a few years back, but the family that raised him (and were his guardians) is extremely supportive.

Are my children pretty well-adjusted or do they struggle with feeling like they belong/insecure? They are incredibly well-adjusted and my Christian family has truly expressed Christ's love to our girls!!! I think they feel loved.

With regard to my relationship with my mom. We are very, very different and have so little in common with regard to what is important in life. So, although I respect her as my mom, I can't say that I relish time with her as I would with a close friend. Does that sadden me? Yes. But, it's always been that way. With regard to inviting my parents to my home--my stomach gets in knots in anticipation of such a visit! Isn't that sad? I have nothing else to go on that past behavior which has, to date, not been good. Good food for thought. Thank you.
[i]

[lbateman]

Spaypets,
Thanks. Believe it or not, I had two other guests at my home over Thanksgiving last year who witnessed her behavior. One was a college student staying in our home (from ARgentina) and another was a young man (former exchange student in our home), from France. I also told her in a lenghty letter that I expect, at minimum, the same politeness one would extend to strangers.
But, maybe the next time I have my parents in my home I include others in front of whom my mother would have difficulty being rude--I like the pastor idea

[MomofKaden]

sounds like your mother isn't too into making friends! Well, my next question then is - what does your dad do with all this? He is obviously a good man and a believer, so how does he handle her? How does she handle him getting along so much better with you than she does? Does he just keep out of it or does he stick up for you and your family? What is her underlying problem, do you think? If it seems she hasn't been happy with any of your immediate family ever...are they just "not good enough" or is she just mean? Sounds like it is DEFINITELY her issue and no one else's that this problem exists. Tell me more...

[carriewoman]

Hi,
I am sorry first off that you have to go through this without family support. And it is definatly a hard situation for the adopted girls. Have you thought about writing letters? I would maybe sit down once a week or every two weeks and just write a nice letter to your mom aobout how the girls are doing and what thier interests are, things like that. Don't get into to many negatives. You may find its easier to talk with her without getting upset with her through writing. This may also give her an opportunity to get to know the girls a little more and realize what she is missing out on.
Good luck!
Carrie

[SoulWhisper]

Foregiveness isn't always something we do for another. It is something we do for ourselves and our children, so that we are not eaten up by anger and resentment. It clears a path to healing and keeps our hearts free to love.

You cannot change or fix your mother but perhaps you could set your bad feelings aside and try again with her. Maybe she is just afraid, people behave in strange ways when we introduce new things to them. She may have had another vision of babies and a more comfortable relation, she may just need encouragement and time.

In order to be a blessing, you must be blessed, and it sounds to me as if you are, with not one but two daughters.



Love

[bromanchik]

I agree with Soul Whisperer. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. In forgiving her you are bringing yourself peace and being an example to your children.

HOWEVER, forgiving does not mean you have to trust your mother with your children or take any abuse. "Honoring" her does not mean rewarding her rude behavior. You need to create definate boundries. That nastyness will not be tolerated. That you and your family will leave or she will be asked to leave if she does not behave politely.

There is a great book by Lewis Smedes called "The Art of Forgiveness". It is a great book and written from a Christian perspective.

[amom4life]

I completely agree with Soul Whisper!!

We shouldn't wait for another to ask for forgivness of us, it is something we give freely for ourselves and God.

We aren't showing Christ's love to another by harboring resentment and ill feelings toward them. We show His love when we give others the same mercy He has given us. We should always strive to do what is right in God's eyes. How the other person responds or reacts is between them and God.

I hope all of this works out and I will pray for your mothers heart that God would soften it toward your children.
Judy

[andrews777]

The lack of grandparent input is one of the biggest things I lament in our adoptive experience (4 siblings about 9.5 years ago). Out of all of them, my father was the most accepting, but he was off into a lot of his own stuff, and didn't get close. My mother is a hard nut to crack anyway, and her hardness on my children is probably the same as it would have been with children we gave birth to. (Which might be the same in your case.)

My in-laws are equally distant, for various reasons. (All grandparents are divorced from each other.)

When we first announced we were going to pursue adoption, I don't think anyone in the family was for it. When we announced we were getting a sibling group, many of those suddenly tried to tell us how much better adopting a single infant would be.

Now we just plod along. We missed grandparents, but we have given our children a much better life than they would have had, and we plan on being active grandparents, if they allow that.

Brad

[May4u2nvme]

Lesley,
My mother in law does Not like me either, I know how you husband must feel, It's hard in situations like this and I am not sure if I can be much help we have just started our adoption process, and for a little over a year now we have not had any contact with them other than I will send her a christmas card. We had decided when this all happened that we where not going to have our children around them unless they changed, as it turned out we have infertility issues, and we are starting an adoption process. Because both the rest of our families agree that ny husbands mother is "being bad" (don't really know what to call it) and that the nasty e-mails she has sent me are even worse, they have all agreed not to pass the news of our adoption in case it may get into the worng ears and back to her, we don't want to deal with her at this time, and don't want her to pretent to make a mends with us just to hurt us and our child again. It was hard for us to make this desicion, as when I was a baby My mom's mom was the same with my dad. She even said that she didn't want anything to do with us right after I was born. She ended up ill with cancer and on her death bed wanted to meet me, but it was too late. I was lawyas kinda mad that I didn't get to meet her, but in the situation I am in a respect my parents choice when I was a baby. The way I see it is that "no company is better than bad company" and that the child is what is most important. I hope this help if only a little. I will pray for you and that god help you and your family make the right choice, and help you mom to be happy with her new grandaughters. Good luck and god bless you!

[lbateman]

May4u2nvme,
Sounds as though we have some similiarities with regard to our parents. Thank you for sharing your story.

Soulwhisper--agree 100% regarding the forgiveness issue. I do want to forgive and have told the Lord that. I think I'm beginning to understand not to confuse unforgiveness with hurt. I know I can still feel hurt and yet be forgiving. The anger is the piece that can turn into unforgiveness. So, it's the week-to-week contact that I'm not sure how to handle. It seems like we are carrying on such a fascade with one another. here I am dealing with a major life change, and my family kind of acts like nothing has happened. It's so odd, you know?
tks everyone

[kamamsm]

My husband's parents are totally unsupportive. The rest of his family are behind us ( thinks we're nuts but are behind us), but his folks have outright said they will not be grandparents to our adopted. My dh and I decided that we had chosen adoption as the best thing for our family and that decision did not hinge on the approval of others - therefore we went ahead with it
( happily I might add). We have kept in touch only as far as checking on them ( they are elderly). But if you don't accept one- you don't accept any of our kids. We aren't rude, nor do we argue. We won't, however, put our son through feelings of rejection - he's been through enough. And it would be hurtful for our bio-kids to feel their new brother wasn't wanted. Hang in there. While it isn't what you hoped for, life isn't perfect and these wonderful kids is a good decision.

[Just Julie]

Maybe you could "adopt" some grandparents, an older couple in your church, perhaps, whose own grandchildren live very far away. Just an idea. Julie