[Dragonfly82]

What are your thoughts regarding an adult adoptee (21 and up) searching for their birth families?

What are your thoughts regarding a birth family member searching out an adult adoptee (21 and up)?

I'm looking for Christian points of view . . . positive or negative

[lucyjoy]

It depends on what the adoptee is looking for. My children were older and removed from birth families for abuse. Only one has been able to truly forgive his birthmom and understands they would need to build a new relationship. The others want answers from their moms and apoligies and have expectations that are not realistic. Although I would stand by them and assist them if they wanted to meet their parents again, but I don't think it would be a good meeting. They may eventually get some answers, but they need to except that they may not. So it is attitude.

I'm not sure about a birth parent searching for an over 21, but my son(only here since age 16)was very angry when his mom called him at 18 to tell him what she did to him wasn't her fault(even though she'd confessed and served 10 years. She was not denying the act, just the responsibility). It was very damaging to him. This, again would go to how they intend to appraoch their children and what they hope to gain.

[KatieMill]

I think it all points back to the motive of the individuals. I have several cousins that are adopted....two that are now grown. The adoptive mothers of both grown children have openly addressed this issue with their children--and encouraged them to search for their biological parents if they so desire. Both of the a-mothers have even offered to assist them if they'd like. At this time, neither child has desired to find their b-parents.

I want to also point out that the a-families' feelings are not always so open...and I don't believe that their feelings are the
"ruling" reason for conducting or not conducting a search.

My thought is that if the individual keeps an open mind--considering that the other party may not be open to "being found" or open to a relationship after meeting--then it will hopefully keep them from a major disappointment. I think that if all parties are open enough to being completely honest about their reasons for the search--and their feelings about future relationships--then hopefully it will minimize any devastating
effects.

To sum up: From a Christian perspective, I think that each person needs to lay their expectations and desires before the Lord...and let Him guide their decision. Their path may still guide them through some pain and disappointment...however, the Lord will be able to bless the fruits of their efforts.

[Barksum]

As Katiemill said:

"To sum up: From a Christian perspective, I think that each person needs to lay their expectations and desires before the Lord...and let Him guide their decision. Their path may still guide them through some pain and disappointment...however, the Lord will be able to bless the fruits of their efforts."


My perspective is as an a-parent to "special needs" children from the state foster system, and also as the spouse of a child reared by foster parents from the time he was 2 years old. (foster child, in same foster home for many years, adoption was not an option, old laws, long story...) We have tried to be open in an age appropriate way with the information we have about biological family, so the kids know the generalities of why they were adopted and who their bio parents are, etc.

If the kids desired to search for their bio families they have open acess to this information in our state when they turn 21. (? or is it 18? can't remember) If the kids consulted me as to my opinion I would remind that that as Christians we are to do all things with and through the love of Christ. So prayerful consideration of attitude and motivation should be the rule. As an a-parent I would be concerned mostly about safety issues if my children wanted to contact bio family, but I do not believe that "forbidding" them to do something that God was prompting them to do would be within my responsibility as a Christian parent.

[Dragonfly82]

Thank you so much for your responses. You have given me the insight that I was looking for. Your replies echo those of my Mom, whom I admire. She spoke of the 'intent of your heart' and felt that my intentions were good. Although I believed her words to be true, I wanted the views of adoptive parents as well.

Unfortunately, my bson's parents do not agree and are very upset with my contacting him. I needed to know that I have done nothing wrong . . . and you all helped me to realize this.

I was able to at least find out through the court appointed CI that my son is happy, well-adjusted and I believe, healthy. He said that he has 'great parents, was brought up in a Godly home and they love him very much.' This is news that I have waited 21 years to find out. I know that if it is God's plan for us to someday meet, we will. Until then, I can relax and know that he is safe and happy just as I believe God promised me he would be. I believe God allowed me just enough information to put my mind at ease.

Thank you again for all your responses.

[Barksum]

Your concern that you might have done something wrong shows that you were not trying to be selfish in initiating contact. I hope that you are able to rest in the comfort God can give you to salve the hurt you've sustained from the adoptive parents' reaction to your request.

[Tate]

I am sorry your birthson's family wasn't open to meeting you. I know I have been blessed to be a mom by 4 different women. Unfortunately, I have met only one of my children's birthmother and two died prior to our adoption. The other birthmother is someone I pray for and hope that my daughter will be able to meet and have a healthy relationship with someday.

The biological bonds are from God. He chose to give your son life through your body. I pray that his family will come to see you as a blessing and not a threat. I admire your choice for adoption then and your patience and respect for his family's views now. You must be an amazing lady!

Godspeed in your reunion,
Barbara
blessed Momma to Mark 13 & Mike 12 both a. 12/00 Kungur, Russia and Rachel 8 & Anne Marie 6 both a. @ birth USA

[paperchasingmom]

Now knowing more fully what your situation is, I was a little confused by your first post....my bad, I just read it too fast....the first thing that comes to my mind is,I would only just hope that if and when the day comes that our birthmother would like to meet her child, my only hope would be that she would have the courage to contact us first, go through us, the aparents, so we could discuss her child's life and how her child is doing and if there is anything that might prohibit, at that time, a discussion or meeting with her and her biological child.....

The only thing that really comes to mind first is, you've got to remember, that aparent has been this child's parent now for many, many years and I just think timing has alot to do with it....honestly, you can't just expect, that at any given time, whenever it feels right for you, it might not feel right for the child...as hard as that might be to hear.....and I certainly do not mean to imply that meeting you would be bad, just the opposite hopefully.....

But, just as hard as it is for you, you've got to consider the feelings and mindset of your child, having after so many, many years being with one family, now, out of the blue, one day, their biological mother calls and wants to get to know them....

My only thought is, kids nowadays, they have so many pressures and unfortunately, some of them don't do well and are maybe going through struggles or hard times or depression and to have something as huge as "Hi I'm your birthmother...." just come out of the blue one day, might be too much to handle OR maybe there's just a way that the aparents could best introduce their adopted child to the situation/opportunity to meet their wonderful birthmother....

That would be the biggest concern I have....my loving our child and wanting the best for them and knowing, since, we've raised them, knowing how they react to things and respond to things or NOT respond to things, OR respond to them in ways that are not good, my only request would be that should our birthmother wish to contact her child, that she be open to contacting us first, and then we could initiate that conversation with our child about how their birthmother would like to see them because she cares about them....even though the child is older, I think, the aparents would know the best scenario that would best allow the birthmother to have the best opportunity for the best meeting and/or reunion....which is what I'm sure you would want....the best reunion possible, right???

These are just my thoughts for our personal situation....I just would hope that if the day comes, the birthmother would have the respect to call us first, see how her child is doing, irregardless of the fact that the child would be an adult, and then allow all of us, together, to proceed to come to a way that would best allow for a reunion, which we would heartily encourage, should the child want that....

I, too, would probably fall over, if years and years from now, our birthmother just called our child and said, Hi, I'm your birthmother....I kinda don't think that that would be the best way for our child to be introduced to their biological mother....that's just my personal thought based on our personal situation.....

I would just hope that our birthmother, since she chose us, would also believe, obviously, that we know our child best now after having raised them for years and years, and would know how they would respond....and I'm sure the birthmother wants the best reunion possible, so giving the aparents the opportunity to address the issue first with their child, to me, would give us the peace knowing that the birthmother has her child's best interest at heart....

Maybe, due to a situation that might be happening in the child's life, maybe just a call out of the blue, might be detrimental at a particular time or a particular way, but could be better accomplished another way, which the aparents could help facilitate....

Does this make any sense???? I know I'm rambling....

I do wish you the best for your reunion with your child...you obviously love your child very much and I'm glad that God has given you a peace and knowledge that your child is well and happy....but, I do understand, just how the aparents might be feeling....just scared, not knowing how you're doing and what you might say.....I mean, you sound like a wonderful person but I wouldn't know how our birthmother is doing twenty years from now if she chooses to not keep in touch with us and I would just hate for her, one day, if she's at the pits of hell, god forbid not doing well, and just call her child and present herself in such a way that is different than what we've always shared with our child...that their biological mother is kind, loving, thoughtful, courageous.....God forbid she just call her/our child drunk or something out of the blue....not that you would, but, the aparents have no idea what's going on in the birthmother's life if the birthmother doesn't keep in contact with us, you know....

But, the child does deserve to know you, and should be given the opportunity to know you and should the child wish to develop a relationship with you, that should be allowed to happen. I just think that it's the aparents role to best know their child and to best know the most appropriate way for that to be accomplished. But if I was to be not allowed that opportunity to best "ready" my/our child for this ever most important opportunity, then I guess, you have to understand that whatever happens, happens and maybe it could have been a better situation if everyone was involved from the beginning....

I also would tend to be very upset and then not know where the birthmother is coming from, since she didn't call me...how would I know what she was thinking? Right, how would I know what she was thinking or what she said or what she wants, if she didn't call us first to talk with us first....so I would be afraid too and tend to be nervous, whereas I wouldn't have been if her and us, the aparents had a chance to talk about it, privately, first....

I'd then know the birthmother's true intentions had she contacted us first, but if she didn't, and then just contacted our child, I, too, probably would have been very, very concerned....just not knowing what was said.....

We plan to be open and honest with our child and for our child to know that what their mother did for them was the most beautiful thing....in fact, while we don't have our baby yet, it's being cared for by someone in another country, our baby was recently baptized over there and the birthmother, we/they invited her....and even though she has chosen to never have held her child or see her child, (we've given her many, many chances--infact in that country the birthmother has 6 months to change her mind) we still wanted to give her an opportunity to be a part of a very blessed, beautiful event involving her child. It was not up to us to assume she wouldn't want to go since she's never chosen to see her daughter yet, we still invited her and you know what, she came....she still didn't see her baby, but she came....

But it broke my heart because when she was invited, she said she felt ashamed and said "But I don't have a gift for the baby" "I can't afford a gift" and I busted out crying when I heard that because I said, she, the birthmother gave the greatest gift of all to this baby, and that was life....she allowed this baby to live!!!

Our birthmother gave our child the greatest gift of all.....

and we will be forever grateful to her, for her selfless act of love for her child and always hold her in the highest place.....

Hope this helps!!! We pray you have a beautiful day and we pray God's richest blessings for you Dragonfly!!!!

Blessings always,

Melody