[angelical]

Last year was a very trying time for us. I was pregnant and ended up having four months of severe morning sickness AND preeclampsia. My son and I could have died. He was born at 28 weeks gestation (3 months early); he was 2 lbs 5 oz.

In the months after his birth, my husband and I went through many crises in our life and relationship, as we came to terms with the changes in our life.


Now that our son is - - by the Grace of God - - doing WONDERFUL, and since we have decided NOT to have another bio child - - we have begun the adoption process. We have decided that we want to adopt a child through the state system.

However, after a meeting with our agency worker, in which she detailed all the problems that can occur in the adoption process (things that can slow down or stop the process; getting attached to a child, only to be told we can't have him; not finding the "right" child, etc etc etc), my husband is now really dragging his feet.

He is so afraid that this process is going to end up being as difficult (well, except for the almost-dying part) as having a bio child was. And so, despite our mutual desire to adopt, I'm not sure that he's ever really going to be ready to do it.

I am trying so hard to leave this in God's hands. I want the best for our family, so I wonder if He is leading my husband to slow down so that either we don't adopt at all or that we wait for a while til we are more ready to accept the challenges that lie ahead. Or, it is that my husband's faith isn't strong enough -- or mine to help him -- so that slowing down the process is actually going against what is right? Are we missing the chance at the child who is meant for us?

This is all SO HARD! I truly want what is best for us, but I am finding it difficult to have faith in what is right. Do you understand what I'm trying to say??

S

[NikkiLGA]

Hello. I am so glad that both you and your son are doing well. You were truly in God's Hands. Just as you were in God's Hands then, you are in His hands now. You must remember, His timing is not our timing. That is something I have had to learn myself, and always remind myself of. If you are meant to be adoptive parents, then the Lord has a baby waiting, He already knows his/her name, etc., like we are told in Psalms 139 - He knows our frame far well. Waiting is hard, but you and your husband have an advantage - you are waiting with God - imagine the many people who deny His presence - who aren't Christians. We, as Christians have hope. Remember He says "I am with you always." Matt. 28:20. His promises He keeps - and He is faithful. Continue to make your requests and concerns of your heart known to Him.

I am not an adoptive parent, but am an adoptee who just last August was reunited (in God's timing) with members of my b-family. I know God's hand was in it because there just isn't any other way it can be explained. My story was featured in the June 17, 2003 issue of the emag on Adoptions.com. Its entitled "He Did This For Us." Check it out.

Be encouraged, my friend, and hang in there.

With love & prayers - NikkiLGA

[Peggy]

Adopting from the state is not always easy, as a foster child also comes with many issues and challenges. While I am not married, I have been reading the forums for over a year now, and I think I can say that it appears a common occurance that one spouse does seem to have reservations or is less involved. This can switch around, and go away, and come back. Could be that you decide to slow down, your son is very young, and while I don't know your ages, you probably do have plenty of time. There will always be children in need. I myself did not adopt my daughter until I was in my 40's. I can also say that I felt the hand of God in my adoption process. NOT that it went smoothly, or in a timely manner. There is also a lot of grief in the adoption process, Grief over your decision (or for others inability) not to have bio children, grief and pain the child feels, and grief and pain of the birthfamily. Allow yourself time.

[amom4life]

Hi!

Hi Everyone,
I'm new here. We are in the process of adopting an infant. Actually we're praying for twins. We haven't been matched with a birthmother yet but we just started a few weeks ago. We also have an adopted daughter from Romania.

I had to wait nine years before my husband had a change of heart about adopting again. Now he asks why we didn't do it sooner!! So take heart and as the others have said wait on the Lord though I know that's easier said than done at times.

Also are you completely set on going through the state? Some friends of ours just did an independant adoption through Lifetime Adoptions and they were very pleased. They brought their daughter home from the hospital a month ago. They were matched in five months and that's after turning down five others. We are going through Lifetime now too. They are really great to work with.

[ladybuglady]

Hi,

I am sure we can all totally understand your fears and anxiety over adopting and doing the right thing. I truely feel that God will let you know what He has in store for you if you just listen. Sometimes it takes a while to hear it but the Spirit will whisper it to your heart and you will know. Just keep reading your scriptures and praying and you will find the answers you are looking for. Sometimes we have to be quiet and find peace before we can hear what He is trying to say to us.

You might also look and see if there are any adoption seminars or classes in your area. Some of the national organizations do seminars and classes, maybe your husband would feel better after going to some of those or even talking to other adoptive parents or parents to be. I think the feeling he and you are having are only natural and many others have the same questions.

Good luck and Keep up the faith. Try to prepare yourselves as much as you can for adoption because the scriptures say "if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear."

Good luck!

LBL

[andrews777]

amom4life,

Adopting from "the system" has a whole bunch of problems. It also has a whole bunch of rewards.

I highly recommend you and your husband check out the books _Adopting the Hurt Child_ and _Parentng the Hurt Child_ before going on. They are full of lots of good, eye-opening, information.

You need to know what you are getting into, at least to some extent, before doing it.

Though I wonder what impact knowing what all has happened to us in the last 9 years would have had on our adopting a sibling group of 4 back then.

Since we are convinced God put it together, I can rest in that assurance, but it is a bumpy road.

Hopefully this helps.

Brad

[angelical]

Thanks for the insight.

Yes, we are definitely going through the state. For one, we do not want a baby. And two, we don't have the financial resources for a private or international adoption - - and we are unwilling to make the changes necessary to gather the money that would be required.

In the first case, my husband got a night job so that we can share the responsibility of caring for our baby. As a very early preemie, he could not go into daycare. This has worked out well for us, but it also leaves my husband as a primary caretaker, and he is adamant that he doesn't want to have another baby. ... yes to a child, but no to an infant.

And, frankly, I agree. We have done all the "baby" things: night feedings, reflux, colic, etc. Now, we'd like to just enjoy the toddler things ... with both our bio child and our adopted child(ren).

As for the financial aspect, I just see no reason for us to spend $10-20,000 or more to adopt a child, when we can go through the state, and then use that money towards RAISING the child.

Just my opinion!

Thanks!
Sharel

[andrews777]

I would add that we didn't have to change a single diaper, all our children were potty trained before they came to us at ages 2.75-7.

As I noted above, you may face a lot of other problems, but they generally do have subsidies available for some, which can help ease the burden.

Brad