[derwil629]

Hello everyone,
I'm a childless,34 year old from N.C and I have a somewhat interesting situation, I have been battling the infertility situation for over 10 years and I'm ready to adopt, unfortunately my husband is not..see I was in a previous relationship for 5 years with someone else(not Married) and we went through the ordeal of trying to have a baby naturally(2 laporascopies, a trillion ultrasounds ,etc.)..I really don't want to go through anymore infertility treatments ...I have blocked tubes and my husband wants us to try IVF now,,,he feels I should give it a try since I haven't tried to have a baby natually with him yet...I just want to adopt...the expenses for IVF in my opinion could go towards our adoption...It was very stressful and depressing when I went through all the surgeries ,so therefore I feel adoption is a much easier road to travel....What do you think? I would really appreciate anyones advise....I'm undecided. I want to go ahead and start the adoption process,but I kind of feel its only fair that I try natually for my husbands sake...please respond..I need a second,third or fourth opinion.

Marvella,N.C Army spouse

[faith_amom]

Why don't you compromise? First, figure out how much money you have to spend on becoming parents. Next, subtract out how much you will need to adopt (cost varies widely, from free through foster care to over $25K for international adoption). Then, with the remaining funds, discuss how much of that money you want to invest in trying to get pregnant. If the army gives you fertility benefits and money isn't an issue, then discuss how many months you are emotionally willing to invest. If money isn't an issue, I think 3 rounds of IVF is more than enough of a compromise on your end.

Good luck!!

- Faith

[bellazmama]

Hi!

That last post is very reasonable.

I tend to look at it this way: infertility treatments are risky wagers on gaining a child. Adoption is a sound investment.

Sarah

[derwil629]

Thanks for the replies so far,
I feel you both are right...I am going to try IVF as long as I can ...and then if IVF is not successful for us then adoption agencies here I come...I just want to be a mom finally...but at the same time I want to feel I gave natural conception all I could ......

Marvella

[tobeafamily]

I think it can be very difficult for someone to give up the 'possibility' of a child through conception.

DH and I went through infertility TX for two and a half years - hormones, testing, 1 surgery for me (blocked tubes), etc. I abandoned TX after three IUIs because DH and I were no longer speaking and having zero fun. I simply decided that if it were between him and conceiving a child, I chose him.

I wanted to adopt 'right away', he was reluctant. DH is quieter than I - he didn't ask questions, didn't go with me to agency meetings, etc. I saw all these as signals that he 'wasn't ready' - which he wasn't. So I traded in the family car for a sports car, we travelled, etc.

Four years later, out of the blue he says 'so, what do we have to do to adopt?'. After I got over the initial shock, we got on the internet, did some research, saved for a year, then went searching. DS was born in April 2002.

I'm not sure why he was so reluctant, he never did say. DH was AD/USN until just recently (Retired), maybe he didn't want to leave a child on long deployments, maybe he didn't think he could love a child not biologically his as much, maybe he was scared it wouldn't work and we'd get our hearts broken all over again.

I am glad I waited though until he really was ready. I'm sure we'd never have made it if he wasn't 100% committed.

HTH

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[MPiano]

Trying to conceive a child is such an emotional thing. Some people feel more driven to do everything possible while others can stop with the information that it will be difficult and abandon treatments. I found myself unable to not try everything available to me. Now that I have had inseminations, IVF, etc. I feel very ready to adopt, but it took over a year to learn how to deal with the fact that I was unable to conceive. We are in the process of adopting from Colombia, and I couldn't be more excited, but it definitely took time.

I know that infertility treatments are not a guarantee, but if you or your husband have that strong desire, it will not go away easily.

[bellazmama]

Please be careful how you say what you say concerning infertility treatments. All too often, parents sound as though they are turning to adoption as a last resort because they can't have biological children. When it comes to children, there is no second-best. My problem is with people who are seeking little copies of themselves rather than a child that they can love unconditionally and help mold into a loving, responsible human being.
Sarah

[stella]

I am very excited about adoption, but also felt I needed to try to conceive on my own before travelling toward adoption.

I understand and agree that adoption is as valid a way of creating a family as any other path to parenthood... but pursuing treatment was also my way of making sure I understood the direction God wanted me to travel.

If the treatments worked, GREAT... but if not, it is as equally revealing of what God wants for us... a family created through adoption... and that is a HAPPY thing!

We might be walking happily toward adoption, but that doesn't mean we can't be sad about what we are walking away from. Pursuing treatment allowed me to walk on, free of regret, toward that happy thing called adoption.

Stella

[tbright]

Stella,

I agree with you whole heartedly. I have also been through several surgeries and 2 failed IVF cycles which came to an enormous amount of money. Infertility treatments are expensive and a definite emotional roller coaster. After experiencing infertility treatments, I believe that I can handle anything, but I am glad that I gave the infertility treatments a try before pursuing adoption.

We both want children, but I am choosing not to take the 20-30% success rate chance that is offered by infertility treatments. Not to mention, if the infertility treatment is not successful, I will be back to the same starting point. I need something a little more solid. We are in the very beginning stages of the adoption process..just about to start our homestudy. I am ready to begin this new endeavor. I am thankful for this forum...it provides a great deal of support. It is nice to know that there are others who have had similar experiences.

Tbright

[LotAkids]

to bellazmama-
(who is absolutely adorable, by the way)
I wholeheartedly agree with you........I was an adopted infant and for the majority of my life struggled with the fact that I was "second to natural" children. I had a great childhood, great parents, etc. It was just something inside of me, I guess.
I have three bio daughters of my own and now an adopted son. I can't wait till he's final so we can do it again!

[bellazmama]

To Stella: I understand your desire for biological children. I applaud your decision to adopt, not as a second-best option, but after your realization that this is God's path for you to achieve parenthood.

To Lizpappas: Thank you for the encouragement (and compliment) from someone in my daughter's shoes. I will certainly try my da**dest to make sure my precious daughter knows she's the best! We have a semi-open relationship with her maternal birth family and they are very kind, supportive people. I hope that having this relationship will prevent some of those "empty hole" feelings that so many adult adoptees feel these days due to the way things used to be done.

Blessings to you all!!!

Sarah