[bslgirl]

Our daughter's birthmom lived as a prostitute. Our daughter's father is said to have been someone with whom she had a relationship and not a client. However the father cannot be traced although we do have a name.

Naturally this sort of information does not have to be shared until our daughter is at least 18 as there is plenty we can say that will very truthfully to explain why her birthmom couldn't look after her.

However, I feel that she might well find out about her birthmom's history as she has a criminal record, a probation officer etc etc - plus there is mention of her prostituting herself in our daughter's history file. My husband is against telling her this - he is willing to reveal the prison sentences for various offences but not to mention the prostitution. I am unsure. I had planned to explain it as 'people make mistakes and sometimes get so desperate they do things they wouldn't normally dream of doing....'

My husband is worried about this being damaging to her as a young woman and that if she really goes into a major teenage strop one day, she might even consider prostitution as an option for her life, particularly as she may feel she is treading in her birthmom's footsteps. It's far-fetched I am sure, but nevertheless it is a fear he has for her.

My concern is regarding her self-esteem and self-worth. I don't want her to feel ashamed or dirty in anyway but I feel if we keep it a secret and she finds out that may be exactly what she ends up feeling!

We both love her desperately and want to do what is right for her. Already her life is very very different from her birthmom's and I feel that when they do meet (God willing) it will be quite a shock to her, especially if her birthmom is still continuing in the same lifestyle of alcohol abuse, criminal activity, prostitution, intermitent homelessness etc etc. I want our daughter to understand the grace of God in her own life because she will be very very different from her birthmom, but at the same time I do not want her to despise her birthmom, but to have compassion for her. Is this going to be possible....what do we say??? All advice and suggestions will be gratefully received, she's one incredible intelligent and loving little girl!

God bless you.

[shirleyville]

When your daughter is old enough...as you mentioned, 18 or whenever you and your husband precieve that she has reached an age of compassion and understanding, I encourage you to explain the situation to her. As an adult adoptee, I think I would have benefitted in a lot of ways had I had an understanding of my birthmom and the lifestyle that she lead. While my birthmom wasn't a prostitute (at least that I know of), she was embroiled in relationships that involed alcohol, gambling problems, abuse, poverty and many other things that weren't a part of the world in which I was raised.
Everyone is different....but I always feel that truth is the best way to approach anything. It doesn't have to be approached in a way that will make your daughter think less of her birthmother. As you said, you can start while she is young, introducing reasons that her birthmom chose adoption, and add to the story as it becomes age appropriate. You can even ASK her if she wants all of the details.....the good AND the bad. She may not care...she may not want to know it all -- or she may be very curious. It will just depend on your daughter. Leave it up to her. You could say something like, "you know that we've talked about how your birthmom had financial difficulties and how some of the circumstances in her life weren't right at the time for giving you everything she wanted for you......and sometimes it's not easy to imagine the people we love in situations that are bad, but not everything in life IS easy. Sometimes we find ourselves in positions where we do things that we aren't proud of, and we make mistakes. Because your father and I love and respect you, we certainly never want to hide things from you, and we want to always be truthful with you about your birthmom, even if some of the things things are hard to hear. We are willing to discuss anything we know when you are ready." And then leave it at that.If she wants to know, tell her.....just tell her that sometimes when people are in desperate situations, they sometimes do things and make choices that they normally wouldn't do.....that her mother, at one time, found herself in that kind of situation, and she made some choices that don't necessarily fall into the "good choice catagory." Tell her that making some bad choices doesn't make her birthmom a bad person.
I don't know if any of that helps, but I really do believe that everyone deserves to know the truth, if they want to hear it. Leave it up to your daughter....she will make the decision for you when the time is right!
Best of luck!
Sally

[lucyjoy]

If you're not honest about this, she'll wonder what else you lied about and will likely feel like her life was based on a bunch of lies.
Your husbands fear is valid. Be careful not to glamorize bmom's life. While you don't want her to look down on bmom, you want her to understand the reality of the choices her bmom made.
While the truth may be ugly, a lie is much uglier.

[holiday]

I have just found my birthdaughter-and there was alot of info I really did not want to tell her. What i did was arm myself with enough good to match the bad..even if it is just a little good. I was afraid she would run-and never look back when I told her-I even changed my name after my dad passed away so that i did not have to hear "are you..." anymore. She seemed to have taken everything ok so far. Honest is always the best policy-I wouldnt offer bad news if it does not come up-she needs facts -not details! Good luck-Holiday

[HappyTwinsMom]

I think the fact that you have the level of compassion and understanding that you do will be an example to your daughter. She will learn from your example, and it sounds like a good one. My advice would be to give her the info she requests and seems ready for at the time.

Best wishes,

[koon38]

I am an adoptee who recently found my birthfamily. Most of the stories that my baunt told me were not good. Bmom hasn't been seen in 10 years. But no matter how hard it was to hear the truth, I needed it to answer all of those questions that an adoptee has.

My advise would be to tell her everything, but be sure to brace her for it. However she takes the news, in the longrun, at least she will know the truth and not have false expectations or disappointments later.

[bslgirl]

Shirleyville - your words made ALOT of sense. I'm printing your advice and filing it away so that I can refresh my mind over the years to come. Thank you so very very much.

Lucy Joy - you were right, the truth is ugly but lies would indeed be uglier still. Thank you.

Holiday - I admire your courage and honesty. I pray everything goes well for you.

HappyTwinsMom - thanks for the encouragement!!

Koon 38 - your experience was an important one to share. Thank you.

If anyone else has been in a similar sitution or would like to share advice please go ahead. I'll be very grateful.

God bless you

[tincan]

I would tell her when she is old enough to understand like say 14 or 15 years old. If she finds out before hand she will wonder why you never told her. she will wonder why you kept the secret for so long if you wait to tell her at 18 or older than that.

[faith_amom]

I would not tell her this information while she is a child/youth. Once she is an adult, she can make an adult decision about how much information she wants to know. I certainly wouldn't lie to her if she asks a direct question, but I wouldn't "dump" adult issues onto a child/youth, either. I just don't see any value in a 14-year-old knowing that her birthmother was a prostitute.

A good friend of mine is an adult adoptee. She advised me to always let my son set the pace about what he wants to know about his birth family and when. Then, she advised to only answer the questions asked rather than throwing in the kitchen sink. He can always ask more questions, but you can't "undo" telling him more information than he was ready to hear at that moment. She also stressed to never, ever lie about anything (not that I would). Her Amom told her that she didn't know her birth name, but then my friend found her original birth certificate in her mother's dresser drawer. This betrayal of trust threw her into a tailspin.

Bottom line -- trust your motherly instincts about what information your daughter is ready to hear.

- Faith

[tincan]

Its wrong to keep secrets from a child about their birthparents. I know if I was adopted I wouldnt want my family to keep stuff away from me about my birthfamily.

[paperchasingmom]

I have to say, after staying away from this website for a while to take a break, after coming back and reading your thread it does just stir thoughts and emotions and possible situations all around my mind again.... reminding me just how challenging adopting can be and how strong we have to be, for the sake of our child.....

I would just like to say first of all how you, the adoptive mother and father are to be commended for being loving, caring, open-minded christian individuals in even being strong enough to go through what we all over here on the adoptive waiting side are waiting to go through.

Your particular situation does show me just how much love and compassion and concern you have as an adoptive mother and father....because, I think, it's hard enough for families to raise their own "biological" children and deal with our own families and our own crazy family problems, but to be so willing and loving to take on the additional care and the role that's NECESSARY to be a mother to another child that would not have had these issues in their own life if you yourself were the biological mother, I feel you are to be commended and respected for being strong enough to KNOW that this scenario and the birthmother's situation was going to be a part of your live's FOREVER and still choose to adopt this precious little girl and give her a better life....I can honestly say, I don't know if I would have been strong enough to handle what the possibilities of that particular situation may present....just like your thread is now asking....so much is at stake there, the future of your daughter's life basically....her mental health, her self-esteem, her reality of her lineage...could I have handled it properly?

You know, maybe total, brutal honesty is too much, like the birthmother revealing all that she did in her history....sometimes, maybe not knowing is easier.....for you know your daughter could never be hurt by it, if it had never been disclosed in the mother's history....

But it was, at the choice of the birthmother and I commend her for being forthright and feeling it was necessary to reveal these things about herself which she has a right to do, maybe, quite possibly to show her daughter what not to do with her own life when she gets older....

I guess the first thing that comes to my mind is, was the adoption process semi-open or open? I guess if it was open, completely, the biological mother would have the ability to be a part of your daughter's life now right? and maybe choosing not to be? or was it a case that the birthmother wanted no contact after the adoption? Because that would matter...

I have to say, I'm totally understanding your husband's position on this issue in being concerned and afraid and I also totally understand your position in that you feel your daughter should know the truth if she so desires to hear it, completely....

I think, if it were me, thinking of this if it were my daughter (which may very well be the case for us someday as waiting hopeful adoptive parents) it would all have to depend on my daughter's maturity level AND any issues that we would be discussing....

Nowadays, parents need to talk about sex to their child at a much earlier age and maybe the opportunity would present itself to discuss the realities of unprotected sex outside marriage which could lead to the same situation that her birthmother faced....an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy....

Coupled with the fact that her mother needed financial help and sought after the only profession she obviously felt she could do....alot could be learned and taught to your daughter to empower her on so many levels....being strong in knowing what she does and does NOT want to do with her own life.... teaching her the power of seeking a higher education so she doesn't feel forced to do something that may be illegal and make her a little more money than what she was originally only trained or school to do....

I think, seeking professional, christian counseling for you, the parents first should be highly considered and then for your daughter even before it's discussed with her...for as you've said, as the others, this is extremely delicate and could spiral your daughter downward if she's not ready to hear it or even if she feels like she's ready to hear it, it's got to have some kind of challenge in living with this knowledge forever, like they said, once your say it, you can never take it back....

Also, this is a wonderful opportunity though to show your daughter that even through her mother's adversity, her mother still is a wonderful, caring, loving person who sought the BEST for her daughter....and chose life for her daughter and to know, that even out of bad circumstances, something wonderful can happen and that was her! Your daughter, today!!! and how her mother broke the cycle of despair and destruction by allowing her daughter the chance to live a better life through you, the loving adoptive parents...

So again, on so many angles, if and only if your daughter is ever ready to know this (maybe, maybe not and only YOU will know what's best) there is a wonderful story to share that again, as I said, can empower her on so many levels if it's presented correctly and only if, she's emotionally stable and ready to receive it....

Her birthmother is no worse than anyone else...for as we Christian adoptive parents know, all sins are the same in the eyes of God and like Mary Magdalene at the well...Jesus loves everyone....

I know this has to be stressful for both you and your husband to try to figure out what's best for your daughter....

Prayer is most important for you and your husband and your daughter now...God will reveal to you which path to take at what time....God's peace is the utmost, important thing you can have in your life right now...this is a big issue and I believe both you and your husband need to be in agreement with your choice because your daughter needs to see two people, married, in love, happy and trusting God in all things in their life....you don't want something this big dividing you and your husband and your marriage...

Blessings to you and your family and daughter. We will keep you all in our prayers!

God bless!

Melody

[dl]

Agree with the others that honesty and truth are important BUT, one does not have to go into unnecessary details in the name of honesty and truth. I would ask whether this knowledge would more than likely have a positive benefit or a negative affect on your daughter.
Especially agree with faith_amom

I would not tell her this information while she is a child/youth. Once she is an adult, she can make an adult decision about how much information she wants to know. I certainly wouldn't lie to her if she asks a direct question, but I wouldn't "dump" adult issues onto a child/youth, either.

I grew up always knowing I was adopted. It was not denied or ignored but neither was it made out to be a big deal. My aparents explained to me that my bio-parents wanted me to have a life that bio-parents were unable to give to me at that time in their lives. You could use a similar explanation. It is honest and the truth. I share the concerns of your husband. To me, the negative possible affects out weigh any positive value in your daughter learning ALL the truth - especially at a young age - and even 18 is still young.

Your daughter's self esteem and self worth will be affected by how she is raised by you, her life experiences, her relationships with people, her education etc. It has nothing to do with the lifestyle of the woman that gave her birth and placed her for adoption - - or at least it shouldn't and won't if it is not given unnecessary importance before she has established a good sense of self.

I recently received my non id information and learned some things that I'm glad I did not find out when I was younger. If I had learned these things when I was a teenager, the knowledge of bio-parents behavior could have affected my own opinion of myself. It also would have affected my opinion of bio-parents when I would have been to young to understand how certain situations could lead people to do things out of the ordinary. I have no way of knowing if aparents were aware of this information as they are both deceased. If they were aware and kept it to themselves, they made a correct decision. There is more of a chance though, that they were simply not told.

Another factor to consider is who is aware of this information and what is the risk that your daughter would find out "accidently"? If there is even a remote chance of this, if you have shared this information with anyone, then the decision is no longer a question. She would need to learn it from you as soon as she is able to understand. Also, if your daughter someday decides to search, you would need to prepare her before she discovers these things on her own.

[Sharon]

Not to condone a lifestyle of drug use, prostitution, and petty crime, but when you do eventually reveal the truth to your daughter (especially since she is being raised in an entirely different lifestyle and will have no personal experience with such things) you might want to explain to her that the crimes her birthmother is guilty of are victimless crimes...in other words, the person she's truly doing harm to is herself. These crimes do not put her in the same league as a rapist or a murderer. In some states, or at least in Nevada, prostitution is legal. In many other countries, prostitution AND drug use are legal. Of course, these are breaches of ethics and morality. They are nothing you or I would ever be involved in, and certainly nothing we would want our children involved in. But please, when you explain to your daughter, help her to understand that these things do not necessarily mean her birthmother is bad or evil; simply that she is self-destructive, and possibly there are things in her past, in her own upbringing, that have led her to make the choices she has made. If nothing else, she gave birth to your daughter, and she entrusted her to you to raise...so she did at least one thing right. And who knows, perhaps by the time your daughter meets her, the birthmother will have gotten some help and turned her life around. Stranger things have been known to happen. Best of luck to you all. Sincerely, Sharon

[dl]

I completely agree with your perspective.

When I posted "It also would have affected my opinion of bio-parents when I would have been to young to understand how certain situations could lead people to do things out of the ordinary" I was alluding to the very thing you mentioned. As a young person, many have not experienced enough to be understanding of the situations in which some people find themselves caught. Your post, "when you explain to your daughter, help her to understand that these things do not necessarily mean her birthmother is bad or evil; simply that she is self-destructive, and possibly there are things in her past, in her own upbringing, that have led her to make the choices she has made" is an excellent suggestion.

[Js Mom]

Dear bslgirl,

You didn't say how old your daughter is now, unless I missed it? My son is 3.5. His bmom has very similiar problems as yours does! In fact, we learned a few weeks ago from her mom(who we maintain contact with and see about twice a year) that bmom is in jail at this very moment! Didn't say why but, we assume drugs as she has been in in the past for that. I wouldn't be surprised by anything else she may be into/doing! She is a lost soul! We've always basically understood that she can't/doesn't keep a job and just drifts from one guy to the next, whoever will take care of her.

My son has a bio-sister being raised by her grandparents(the paternal bgrands). Bmom claimed the same bdad for my son as for his sister, who is 3 years older. We're not sure???? My son does not favor bdad but, he claimed and signed.?? Anyway, we have an open relationship with the sister and grandparents so, we talk of them all the time to our son. Sister's picture is all over, etc. He knows he was adopted, you can ask "Were you adopted?" and he'll say 'yes' but, he doesn't understand what that means yet. Tonight, out of thin air, he asked, "Where is Jamie?" That's bmom. We just said, "We're not sure. She lives in such and such city, I guess she's there." That is all he needed at 3.5!!!!! He said "Is she my birthmom?" We said "she sure is". Again, he doesn't know yet what that means. He is just learning his story and the language and that's all he needs for now.

I guess telling all of this to say, remeber what is appropriate and needed at each age and stage. "The truth shall set you free" so, honesty is the only way. But, we all know as parents what our children need to know and when. Pray for wisdom and guidance and God will give it to you! He will be faithful to supply all you need to accomplish what He has called you to do in your daughter! I pray He will bless and guide all of us as we help our children understand the awesome, miraculous, incredible way that God brought us together as a family and the wonderful plans that He has for thier lives!! He will use even the very bitter truth of their bmom's lives to craft and mold them into the people they are to be.

AND, lest I forget, I will note here: we should be praying for these bmoms!!!!! God can pull them out of the depths they are in! He can save them and completely restore them and turn thier lives around!!!! We should be lifting them all the time!!!! They gave life to our precious angels and thank God did what was best for them after that!!!! They need us to be prayer warriors for them!!!!!

God's richest blessings to you and your family!
J's Mom........and so proud to be!!!