[Jody M]

Hi to adoptees who join us here! As much as many of us want to receive a welcome from our birth families we have searched and found- that is not always the case. For a number of reasons some birth parents never shared their 'secret' or have not grieved the adoption loss or have much fear or guilt. Have you faced a closed door in reunion/contact. How have you navigated this and how has God brought healing and hope and peace? Thanks for all who share!!!

[3lost]

I am a first mother who has searched for and found my oldest son through a 3rd party. I have heard from him and he says that he has no time for me now. My son is 20 years old. He doesn't mind reading letters from me but he has no interest in replying. This hurt me greatly and there is nothing I can do about it. I am just stuck what what he has selfishly decided. when I gave him up it was not for selfish reasons it was for his good. Now I have to live with the fact that my decission was good for him but has only brought me pain. I am doing my best to understand why his family won't even talk to me. It would be easier to forgive them all if only I could understand. I am dealing with this by praying a lot, offering my heart to God for healing, and believing that HE can and will heal my pain no matter what my son decides to do about me.

[Jody M]

Hi- Thanks for sharing about your search for your son who you placed for adoption 20 years ago. It is very difficult to find someone after all those years of waiting and wanting the best for him. Being an adoption triad support leader I have seen this often happen in reunions that one party is not willing or not ready to reunite. And 20 is young and especially in males. Many adoptees in the support group I have lead for over 4 years were older than that when they searched and found. Many adoptees were given lilttle to no preparation for reunion- and the old system and the adoptive parents of the past were told the past was the past. So when adoptees are found, they are caught offguard and no one has really prepared them emotionally for reunion or to understand the dynamics of the birth moms. And sometimes adoptees can have "stereotypes" of who birth moms are which is unfair but often a reality When they were given little to no information they can "fantasize" or "make up the story of their adoption, birth family" And sometimes these stories are negative and far from the truth. Keep praying for your birthson and his family and for them to come to an awareness. Contiinue to write him short letters and do not share alot of intense emotions- they often do not know how to respond or handle this and then avoid it. Letters can be a very safe and easy way to continue to communicate and let him get to know you and that you are kind and caring. Thanks for sharing- do you have a local adoption support group or online group to attend= that will really help you in your process to not feel so . alone.May God comfort you and may you embrace his hope and promises- He never fails! Jody Moreen

[3lost]

Thank you for your reply,

I can no longer send him my letters so I have even stopped writting them. When he was able to receive them I did my best not to tell him how painful this was for me though. I was afraid that by not doing that I had made a mistake. I was afraid that by keeping my emotions to myself I kept him from seeing just how much I wanted him back in my life.

As far as am adoption support group there is one in a near by town I attended once. I was the only one to show up. I did leave my name with the pastor of the church to give to the person who led the group but she never called me back. So I didn't ever go back.

[vicrose]

Dear 3lost, I am adult adoptee age 36 who is just just stepping up the search to find my birthfamily, but at 20 I knew I couldn't of handled a reunion, I was much toooooo immature. I have told my a-dad about my search , and he is very uneasy about it, and has been less than helpful filling in some of the blanks for me-so I can sense how your son's a-parents feel-they are standing by your son's decision. Keep the faith, and stand back a little, as difficult as it may be, there's nothing else you can do at the moment. I feel for you, because I would never treat my birthmother this way, I have always felt that what she did for me was the most unselfish thing a person could ever do, and now as a mother of 3 beautiful children-it would rip my heart out to ever think about having to give any of them up. Did you ever go on to have other children or was this son your only child? Keep your faith that God will help you, and definitely try to see a counselor to help you deal with the anguish that you are going through. If you ever just want to talk....please e-mail me at CarlBren@optonline.net Make it a great day.....and remember that you are a beautiful person. Sincerely, Brenda..............

[Jody M]

Thanks Brenda for sharing- I too hold my birth mom up in honor and love for what she did to insure me Life and adoption. It is hard to believe that people can be so closed to reunion- but it must be due to their insecurities and unresolved issues in their adoptive family and feelings of loyalty or fear. At 20 I was not ready for exploring the area of adoption search- many are too young at this age- I remember being very self-focused and selfish at that age. Looking out for number 1- myself! I think some cannot understand others feelings and be caring and concerned until they reach adult situations- a step in maturity. So thanks for sharing and good counsel for trying to understand those closed to adoption reunion. And also for adoptees when their adoptive parents are not supportive this really makes it hard for many adoptees- for they do not want to rock the boat or upset the family who raised them. Blessings, jody moreen

[3lost]

Dear Brenda.

When I gave my son up for adoption I also gave up his brother and sister. He want to one home and they to another. I have been unable to look for the younger 2 because the youngest is still under 18. Now that I have been rejected by my oldest I am afraid to find the others. I am afraid to think of them but I still see them in other people. I work at a convince store and one of the women who comes in there often looks like what I imagine my daughter look like. The young woman is very nice and I have to remind myself that she is not the same age as my daughter every time I see her. The reason for this is I tend to wonder if it is possible that I see them everyday and don't know it. It's just one of the games my mind plays.

I do have one more child a girl who is 9 years old. I was afraid that I would be unable to handle more then one child so I got my tubes tied after she was born. A decision I regret terribly today.

I don't know much about the adoptive family except what I am told. I am told not to worry that they are OK with a reunion. I was told before the adoption was final that they never wanted to hear from me again. At that time all I wanted was a current picture of my children to make sure they were happy and safe. I knew that if I saw their eyes I would know if they were happy. Well, the pictures I was allowed to see but not keep were old ones by about a year so I really never was able to put my mind at ease that way. I just had to believe that God was taking care of them and keeping them safe and happy. When my son refused to write me back I had asked if any of his family would correspond with me. In my thinking I would be able to get to know them and they could get to know me that way we could see that neither one of us were contemptible or dangerous to the other. I was told that they would not write me because they were supporting my son in his decision to have no contact with me. To me this was like them saying that it is OK that he hurts me if he wants to and since he wants to we will too. I would never give my daughter the OK to hurt someone and I would never hurt someone for her benefit. Two wrongs don't make a right. Their decision to do this has given me a lot less respect for them and made me regret my decision to have them raise my child. But of course that doesn't matter to them because I don't matter to them.

All I know about his adoptive parents is that his adoptive father is a Baptist Minister and his wife is the secretary of the church where ever they may be. They have an older child. They lived in Kansas City, Missouri in 1982. I know this because I was told that when my son was born at Kansas City Memorial Hospital she worked there. In 1988 they were living in Oklahoma where he was getting his masters degree. That is when they adopted my child who was then 5. I try to think highly of them because they decided to adopt but it is hard to do that with the way they have treated me. I sometimes think that they decided to adopt to make themselves look good to what ever congregation would consider hiring them to lead them.

I know I am being hard on them but I don't know how else to take their rejection of me.

Toni

[Jody M]

Hi Toni- thanks for sharing with us your challenging journey in adoption. It is so difficult in the closed adoption system for there was not much education for the parties involved. And also little to no education of the challenges and emotional needs of those touched by adoption. All experience loss and grief for their is a separation. Adoptive parents of the past were often not clued into birth parents or vice-versa- they thought it best for all involved. But as time has past psychology has found that it is not good to totally close contact- thus now we have much more openness in adoption and open adoptions. So difficult for you for this was not the case in the era you made adoption plans. My best advice is to pray for that family- that the Lord would open their minds and hearts and understanding to openess. And for you there is a need for support- so glad you found this forum and there are other local groups of adoption support and online groups to hook into- it is less lonely when you go this adoption journey with others who have been touched by it and understand. You might have some success in your search by finding someone in an adoption support group in the area of the adoption and where the adoptive family lived. Let me know where that is- they may be able to do some research in that area. Or look on the internet for a site called Random Acts of Kindness. This site is run by a lovely woman named Dede Keene who helps those in search and she serves many in their searches. Blessings and may God give you peace and guidance in your adoption journey this year 2003! Love Jody, adoptee

adoption@wideopenwest.com

Adoption Blessings Newsletter
http://www.adoptionblessingsnewsletter.com

[vicrose]

Dear Toni, I can feel the obvious rage that you have going on inside of you. But honey, you have to let some of it go, because it's not healthy. Closed adoptions I think were very painful for all involved, and don't believe everything the agency tells you either, because it's not always true. My favorite saying is "With God All Things Are Possible", and I truly believe if you let God guide you, that everything will fall into place. I know you miss your children terribly, because I miss my birthmother terribly, but I have faith that God will bring me the resources to find her, and I pray everyday that it will be a blessed reunion. Please don't feel so much resentment towards the adoptive parents, because I'm sure that they are really going along with your son's wishes, and I'm sure they feel no ill will against you. I wish I could ease your pain you feel, and I will pray that you will oneday have a joyous reunion with all your children. God Bless You and keep you healthy in the New Year.

[Jody M]

Toni- thanks for openly sharing the challenges and barriers you have had in reunion with your son. This is a most painful journey for you his birth mother. You mentioned in an earlier post that you did not have some local support groups in your area. There is a forum on this website for Birth moms and a wonderful facilitator Courtney who is very knowlegeable and empathetic to birth moms for she is one. Also there are many other birth mom groups on the internet- but one never knows the content or focus. A Christian group as Courtney's keeps a good focus and looks to God for guidance, support and godly wisdom in these complex issues of adoption reunion. Draw close to the Lord and rely on Him to help and guide you in this. He is faithful and knows the desires and needs of your heart. Blessings, Jody

adoption@wideopenwest.com
www.adoptionblessingsnewsletter.com

[ladyjubilee]

I'm not certain why exactly you're angry with the adoptive family. If you're son is 20, he is an adult. Are you wanting the family to override his (an adult's) decision about contact---or just go behind his back? I guess what I'm not quite understanding is what you expect from them......or how you want them to give you what you want without betraying him. It would seem to me that this is less about insecurity or jealousies on the family's part and more about having respect for their son's choices---and his right to privacy. Many adoptive mom's on this forum have talked about wanting a relationship with the birthmother, even when the adult adoptee didn't.

[Jody M]

I have observed in reunions that it is difficult for those who are searching and wanting contact to wait for God's perfect timing in reunion and contact. I do have empathy for birth moms who made an adoption plan to wait until their children are adults to make contact and see if a reunion is a possibility. Sadly in the closed adoption system they made no provisions for reunion and dialogue between the parties when the child reached adulthood. So it is up to the adopted adult to make their own decision. And what complicates this, I have found leading adoption support groups is that adoptees that were raised in the closed adoption system many had little to no information growing up about their birth parents- I had none.
Continued on a couple posts

[Jody M]

So my birth mom was never a reality in my mind- no one made her real or talked about her. And until I was in my mid-thirties did I awaken to a desire to search and know my birth story and meet birth family . All persons are at a different level of maturity and openness in reunion regarding their upbringing , the patterns in their adoptive family, the adoptive parents acceptance and emotions towards reunion and how those are conveyed, and circumstances in their current lives when found. Birth moms in turn often think for a lifetime about reunion, and many adoptees don't (some do but not a majority are actively desiring contact for reasons I stated above. )
Continued on next post- limited space here

[Jody M]

Reunions and contact need to be made with respect for the persons involved and being sensitive to timing and readiness. Any reunion that is forced is starting on a rocky foundation which has a risk of betraying trust in the relationship. Feelings are often sticky in this and emotional needs can be overriding. That is why it is crucial in adoption search/reunions for those persons to connect with local adoption support/search groups or online groups as this. This is often a safe outlet to share one's feelings and challenges and be heard and understood. Not that we agree on all things- we can agree to disagree- but that one's feelings are valid and their reality. And we can help each other if we are needing godly counsel from others who have been there already and have suggestions and more importantly can pray for us. (Cont)

[Jody M]

Hope this is helpful here. In my personal reunion journey- my search took 2 and 1/2 years from the time I started. I struggled during that time to hurry it up- but God knew better. A year before I met one of my birth sisters she was in rehab for alcohol issues. Her husband told me that it was great that I found her after that when she was in a better place emotionally to meet me. So......in all these matters God is Sovereign and we need to submit our searches, reunions, personal needs and desires over to Him. God's word says "He works all things together for the good to them that love God and are called according to his purpose"
(Continued on one more post-finally!)
Read on, Jody Moreen
adoption@wideopenwest.com