[Jody M]

Hi to all this holiday season! Christmas is a busy time of year and for adoptees and birth parents in reunion this can be a challenging time. Sometimes there are unspoken and spoken expectations by those we have reunited with. Those who are reunited can feel torn in the areas of loyalty and gift-giving due to time constraints, money issues and the impossibility to be with all loved ones over the holidays. How does one decide how to navigate this journey- without hurting others.
First I believe prayer is essential. Lay your feelings and requests before God. Then talk honestly with your birth, adopted families and families through marriage/relatives.Share with them that you have more people to consider and need to share your time and gifts with all those God has put into your life.
For those who live close to birth and adoptive relatives, it can be a challenge if invitations are given by both (not unlike the situation found in families of divorce or blended families)
You have to be honest and try to negotiate this and arrange timetables to fit. Or you have to make a mature decision and say this year I am doing this and next year I am going to do this. It is best to be honest early in the game and tell your relatives what your plans and intentions are.
If you live long-distance from relatives you have to decide if you will make a trip or invite them sometime during the holiday season. Or tell them that you will call them on the holiday at a certain time/place.
And about gift-giving. That can be a struggle but it need not be. Talk openly with your birth relatives and make a plan together. We will exchange gifts, we will exchange a home-made gift, or we will share greeting cards or photos. In this way there is no wrestling for what to do, how much to spend, or whether it is appropriate to give gifts.
As I said it is best to speak openly and honestly - that way you and the others do not have hidden agendas, expectations that go unknown. And when you do share, it is a fact that often you may not be on the same wavelength or agree. This is normal and then you need to work that out. Come to another plan that may work for both, even if it is different from your first thoughts. And remember- it is IMPOSSIBLE to please all of the people all of the time. That can run one ragged if you have the tendency to be "codependent" wanting to please everyone. You have to accept the fact that everyone will not always be pleased with your plans and suggestions. And negotiating can help- but one still may not make another "happy". The focus here is to do things in a way that we are pleasing to God, to be sensitive to the other person , and realize that they may have different ideas and expectations from us. Honesty in a graceful way is best- for then we are upfront with others and not hiding our thoughts or feelings. Remember- if plan A does not work, suggest plan B or C in your negotiating. And again I can not emphasize PRAYER- God's wisdom is best and He can lead and guide us in every circumstance and give us the words and ideas to help us walk with grace and love.
Share any ideas you have on this topic would love to hear how others have navigated the holiday scene with birth and adopted and relatives through marriage. Thanks Jody Moreen