[envizibl1]

My wife and I have just been through our second failed adoption. Both of these were through the Dept. of Family and Children Services. Our first failed adoption was May of last year after having been told repeatedly the baby was ours, they placed her with a cousin...devastating to my wife. Our second just happened this month. An underage girl came into care already pregnant and willing to give the baby up for adoption. We were paired with her and the fosters in time to attend her last 3 doctors visits. My wife was in the delivery room with the birth mother who congratulated my wife on her "beautiful baby girl". The birth mother deferred every appropriate question to my wife. The next day, only 30 hours later, she changed her mind. How can a God who is just and good allow some one who is a true believer, tither, volunteer, witness, etc. suffer such a loss not once but TWICE?!?!?! Please offer some help or resources.....

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by envizibl1

How can a God who is just and good allow some one who is a true believer, tither, volunteer, witness, etc. suffer such a loss not once but TWICE?!?!?! Please offer some help or resources.....

It may sound strange to you, but I've heard the same exact question raised by birth mothers who are also true Christians. And I don't think I've ever read a definitive answer to that question.

Have you ever read the Book of Job? He asked very similar questions....

[oceanica]

First of all, I am so sorry you are suffering so much!
I understand where you are coming from... it's sooo hard to go through that.
I'm sorry!

Now to your question. I may not be the right person to speak to this since I'm not really any kind of expert! But I think my mom the pastor would say it's about free will.
God doesn't micromanage or even manage us and our interactions. He gives us (meaning everyone) the conscience and the mind to figure it out and we are supposed to try and do the right thing. Of course the right thing doesn't always get done. God isn't very hands on with us. We learn from every experience and we are supposed to make something positive happen out of it. It must be that a different child is supposed to be yours.
That is not much comfort, but it's really not god's fault that these things happened.

I kept asking this question after a little girl in our area, Jessica Lunsford, was murdered. It was so horrible what happened to the little girl... to this day I tear up thinking about it. I didn't know her or the family or anything but I still can't even stand to think about it. How could a loving god let this happen? Why didn't he let the police find her when they went to the house she was in and she was hidden by her kidnapper in the closet?
It happened because of chance (the monster had a chance to get her) and because an evil monster was walking the streets, and it was his free will that prevailed. I wish god wouldve done something... the baby shouldn't have had to go through that! Sometimes I get so angry about it that I get on my treadmill and run and run and run till I collapse. It's very good exercise!

[PamelaRose]

I am so sorry you are going through this. We are just in the research phase and hearing stories like this really makes me worry. I fear this would happen to us and I can't imagine how devasating it would be. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Jody M]

Gracious Heavenly Father, God of all Comfort,
We lift up this precious family to you and your loving care. Lord we hurt for this dear couple who yearn to have a child and we witness the dissapointment and deep pain that they are feeling. We wrestle with the question Why? We do not understand and fail to have words. But we do know that you weep with them and feel their hurt and extend your tender shepherd's arms to embrace them. In the midst of this harsh storm of devastating news we still know that you are a God who is good. You are full of compassion and abounding in love. Your Word promises that "a bruised reed you will not break" Protect this family and love and care for this them through the body of Christ, your church. May they embrace your words in Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to help and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Hold them Lord in this fragile time. Blanket them with your grace and kindness. Reveal your presence in a very powerful way. Touch them and fill them with your peace that passeth all understanding. Allow them to grieve but not as those who have no hope. May they find hope is in you alone dear Savior. Redeem this loss and provide a child for this couple. We know your timing is perfect in all things. We praise you Lord for we know you will go before this family and make the crooked places straight. Be their comfort today Oh tender Shepherd. In Jesus name we pray, Amen

[Jody M]

Ann Kiemel Anderson, adoptive mother of four sons who is on Facebook and also now has a blog if you put in the search engine "Heritage Builders Ann Kiemel" and her Blog will come up. She has survived so much loss in her lifetime, earlier in her long battle with infertility and then with losing her husband and having to raise 4 sons and being left with no life insurance.

I JUST ordered a free resource- a CD by Ann Kiemel called Yes, Lord. On this CD, about halfway through, Ann shares so beautifully how God ministered to she and her husband Will when they had multiple failed adoptions and faced another empty nursery. I believe this CD will minister to you. You can order this free CD through the website FireFighters for Christ. They have various Christian CD's but order the one called YES, Lord, Ann Kiemel Anderson. Mine came in about a week or so.

Ann also has an older book, Taste of Tears, Touch of God sharing she and her husband's battle with infertility.

Stepping Stones is a free outreach publication put out by Bethany Christian Services for persons struggling with infertility and waiting on adoption. Their website is Bethany Christian Services Adoption & Orphan Care Agency They did have a print version and think they are still publishing or have it on their website. There are many testimonies and heartfelt stories and encouragement for anyone going through this very difficult waiting time of beginning a family through adoption.

I hope you find these resources helpful.

May God bless and keep you. Keep us posted on your adoption journey and our prayers for you continue.

Hugs, Jody

For others reading this Ann Kiemel Anderson had best selling books in the 70's and 80's about simple evangelism and loving neighbors and people to Christ. Two of her best selling books, I Love The Word Impossible and I'm Out to Change My World, will be republished this summer. I am excited that God is using Ann to touch a new generation with her enthusiastic love for the Lord and evangelism.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by envizibl1

How can a God who is just and good allow some one who is a true believer, tither, volunteer, witness, etc. suffer such a loss not once but TWICE?!?!?! Please offer some help or resources.....

Well, first, I'm sorry for your loss....I say that in real love.

I'm just going to be blunt....as a believer you know we don't deserve love--we don't deserve to be blessed or to have everything go our way. Yet God is here in this moment, and fortunately, He doesn't treat us like we deserve. Everything we do in and of ourselves is as rags before Him. Tithe? Pffft, Jesus gave everything. Volunteer? Jesus climbed on a cross for a bunch of ungrateful twits! Nothing we do will ever merrit special favor from God. Fundamentally those of us who are believers know-beyond a shadow of a doubt-that we are sinners who don't deserve the grace and mercy of a Holy God .

But, and here's the good part, God is still there---and our Lord Jesus has been there. You've lost out on 2 adoptions--Jesus losses millions everyday. He understands your loss. He understands what its like....and He will give you the grace and mercy to struggle through. The thing is, though, you--nor I, nor anyone else deserve that mercy and grace. Tithing, volunteering and witnessing do not mean we are less deserving of trial and pain. Jesus asked if we were greater than our Master...are we? He suffered imaginable loss and suffering--do we deserve better than our Lord?

God doesn't mind us being mad at Him, if He did we wouldn't have David railing at God in the Psalms. There is definitely a time and season to be annoyed and angry with God--we are after all children . But most often we meet God at our brokeness and somethings we can't hear what He's saying if we're telling Him what we deserve.

Finally, and this is really preachy, perhaps these two placements weren't about you and your having a child. Perhaps these placements were about the parents and the children and God's need to reach them. Through that perhaps God is trying to bring you to the point of delighting in Lord so He can give you the desire of your heart.



As far as resources---the Book of Psalms, Lamentations (it always seems easier to read and more meaningful during a struggle) and 1 John. In order to help turn outward and get perspective there is also "Tortured for Christ" about the persecuted church.

[1982benji]

help or resources....keep doing what your doing as god is giving you direction..in seeking help from hear.

[anilorak13ska]

I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time - again!

Our dissapointments have been much more minor compared to yours, but the underlying questions are the same - why didn't it work out? Why did they change their minds? Why then did they contact us to begin with if it wasn't meant to be? Why lead us on?

With the birth mom who most recently decided to parent, we had met her through a friend, a very gung-ho Christian friend. I remember talking to this friend shortly after having met the birth mom and trying to figure out if we could tell whether she was the one or not.

I'll never forget what my friend said to me - it changed my perspective entirely. She said - "God has meant for you and her to meet. It may not be for the reason you think and hope, though. It may be for her benefit, so that she can see someone else prepared to love her child with abandon, and have this put in perspective her predicament."

This was 4 months ago. We had her over at our house, I took her to work with me, we met some of her family. We celebrated her turning 18 together. And then she moved and told us that she decided to parent the baby (this was last week).

And now I understand more fully the meaning of my friend's words. It is so easy to get wrapped up in OUR desires for a child, that we forget what we normally always remember in life - that things happen for a reason, and sometimes that reason is for our benefit, but other times that reason is so that we may be a benefit to others.

A fellow hopeful adoptive mom in our support group recently went through her second dissapointment. Last year, her would-be baby was stillborn. She had had a baby shower, she got along great with the birthmom, and then this. But she persevered. Then this summer, she was expecting a baby this month. Then a couple of weeks ago, the birth mom changed her mind.

She said how disapointed she was with her decision, and how she didn't understand how she could decide to parent, since when she first met her, she was actually all ready to have an abortion! She had one scheduled, but a friend of hers who had placed a baby before, suggested that she consider adoption.

My friend was not meant to parent this woman's baby, but she WAS placed in her life in order to save her baby's life!

Try to see the bigger picture - know that our experiences are not all that there is. For each of your dissapointments, there was still a reason for you to have been there. Is it painful? Without a doubt! Is it worth it in the larger scheme of things? Without a doubt!

I hope you are blessed with the child meant for you soon.

[TxMom65]

I wish I had the answers. My daughter asked me how God could let her be abused and be in foster care for so long. I was afraid of that question and don't really know if I answered correctly. We don't live in a perfect world and the choices of others affect us. In a perfect world, there would be no adoption. All of this is based on loss to begin with.

I'm sorry it has been so hard for you. Cling to your faith.

[EZ2Luv]

First I am so sorry you are hurting enough to ask where God is. I am sorry for your pain. Now I will share something with you. My Momma and Daddy had 3 full term c section babies that were born still. My Momma had the same question that you do. I know this because it was part of her tesamony. She felt as though God had forgotten her and she questioned for a good year. After her last loss she got to a point where she just about gave up and said "God, I do not know why, but I am trusting you to show me" About a year and a half later God saw fit to have me lovingly placed in her arms. So you see no one can really try to figure out God, but He IS there and He has His reasons. God has the baby that is meant to be yours, those babies were meant to be parented by Bmom and the cousin. I promise you this, that when the baby that is meant to be yours is placed in your wife's arms, all this pain will be a distant memory. Sure it hurts now, but can you imagine the hurt that Bmom would have if she went along with the adoption against what she really wanted to do? Can you imagine the hurt your wife and you would have if you took that baby home and had to return her to her Bmom? See we just don't know or for what reason God saw fit to have things work this way. None of us know why things happen in life until maybe after the fact when we could look back after we are blessed tenfold and teh lightbulb goes off and we say 'Thats why God allowed this to happen"
"Seeek first the Kinngdom of God and He shall fufill the desires of your heart according to HIS riches and glory"
God knows that you want a baby because this is the desire of your heart.
I am going to agree with Jody's prayer and I am also going to pray that God bless you with the baby that is meant to be yours, may that baby find your arms with a quickness.
Amen
EZ

[Jody M]

I am hoping that you are being comforted during the difficult time of grieving. Often answers from others are difficult to read and respond too. When you are going through a difficult time that others are not experiencing- words can seem so shallow. And you can think to yourself "they don't have a clue" No one knows or feels another's pain. And that is true- for we are not in your shoes or going through your trial. But we hope you will share how you are doing and how we might pray for you.

God's comfort and peace,
Jody