[islandmom]

I found my bdaughter 5 years ago. Things were going well. We had seen each quite a few of times. She is 23 and still very influenced by her amom. She was about to come visit and then wham she cancelled. She said she wanted to keep things 'low key' cuz she could tell our relationship was hurting her amom.

In some respects try to understand, but i feel very disrespected by her amom. Her amom told me once that she had sent me a letter a couple of months after the adoption and that should have given me closure. I don't think closure was ever possible. I don't think she respects the sacrifice I made. I feel so vulnerable like I was when I was 15 and pregnant. Like her amom just thinks I'm trashy and she did me a favor.

Help. Please pray for me that I can get over this anger and love her amom, despite how she feels about me. She raised my bdaughter very well. She has given her so much love and all that my bdaughter ever needed.

[Indiaadoptee]

she thought a couple of letters would give you closure?!! wtf! i'm sorry, but she sounds very selfish, as in thinking your bdaughter is hers, and only hers, and i wouldn't doubt that she thinks her bdaughter should think that she is her only mother.

your bdaughter is 23. she shouldn't have to worry about her amom's feelings. her amom had 23 years with her...the amom can handle a little discomfort for a while now.

hopefully that discomfort will fade away and you three can have a healthy relationship. she should feel grateful to you-after all, you gave her your daughter to raise and love.

[JPDakota]

She shouldn't be worried about her amom's feelngs? Are you kidding me? Her amom is her mom. At least, that's how I feel. No interest in any birthfamily relationships. They aren't my family. If you think that's wrong, then you do, and you get to think whatever you want. But it won't change a thing. I will never understand this whole "grateful" thing. In my experience, many adoptees feel the same, but I am not speaking for anyone but me. It is what it is.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Islandmom,

Hi. I'm a birthmom - not in reunion. Just thought I'd reply to your post...just in general.

Let's see....

She is 23 and still very influenced by her amom. ......She said she wanted to keep things 'low key' cuz she could tell our relationship was hurting her amom.

It's kind of ironic that I came across your post. I was sitting on the sofa last night...you know, doing the "New Year's reflection" thing and I was thinking back to when I was 23. I was so young. Still under the influence of many people's opinions of me; of the way I should live my life. My mother's view of me especially decided many of my actions. And I suspect that's probably true for most of us.

It sounds like your daughter is struggling with her feelings of loyalty to you and her adoptivemom. I imagine it must be hard for her; the pressure of that. Perhaps in asking you to keep things low-key she is trying to come up with a solution that keeps the peace; for everyone else and for her.

Of course, I can imagine this must hurt after 5 years of reunion with her but it doesn't appear she's saying she's cutting off her relationship with you, just that she's trying to maintain balance. So perhaps you can take some encouragement from that. She seems like a very sensible young woman who takes other people's feelings into serious account. That's a wonderful trait!!

Her amom told me once that she had sent me a letter a couple of months after the adoption and that should have given me closure.

I'm not sure if you're from the Closed Era. But I know that we were told not to search; that our children wouldn't need it; that it would be rude and possibly dangerous to their psyches. That closure had been reached in the signing of the adoption papers.

I am wondering if possibly your daughter's amom was told the same thing? Is she possibly repeating what she learned from the agency? That could very well be.

I don't think she respects the sacrifice I made.

Hmmmm....this is a hard one to respond to because I don't want you to take what I say the wrong way. Forgive me - this is in no way meant as an insult, but why do you need her to respect your sacrifice? It is only important that you respect what you went through. Someone who hasn't walked a mile in my shoes can't possibly know how tight the fit is. But I know how tight it is and that's all that matters.

IMO - Letting go of needing her to understand will free you and bring you peace. You can't convince people to be compassionate; can't argue for them to see your point of view. Ask any drug addict, they will tell you. Some people try to understand the hard road an addict has to travel to recover; some people could care less. Either way, the addict still has to love themself and forgive themself if they hope to stay well.

I hope that made sense.

Anyway....hoping that things can even out for you, your birthdaughter and her amom.

Reunion must be a tough road.

Much peace to you today!

[islandmom]

Thanks for your well thought out response. I do appreciate it. In response to needing her respect, I'm not really sure where I am with that. I am from the Closed era. I guess I will think about what you said. I appreciate the advice.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Islandmom,

You're welcome. I was hoping I didn't sound preachy or judgemental. Sometimes the world of "e-communication" can make it hard to express the concern a person truly has for someone else.

Have a great weekend! :-)

[SkyBlue2]

You know things like this need time. Often a lot of time. There are three people involved, you the amom, and your daughter. There's also a ton of emotional stuff that needs to be vented and resolved. Step back, pray, and then let God do his thing. In other words, I guess I'm saying get your ego out of it and let God find the perfect solution.

[burple_cloud]

Offer to visit her, even if its a stay in a hotel. I was 23 once and I do wish I could meet my own BMom, but that will never happen. As an adoptee, I know this young woman is torn. Help her out and say, I'm just here to be a joy in your life, not a burden. Remember, she has grown up in an era when adoptees were still looked down upon and in some place still are. I know she had gone through some realy tough spiritual battles, including, but not limited to, I not worthy. God worked really hard to keep this girl alive. So good luck and God speed.

[fritzi]

This post definately struck a chord with me. I was adopted as an infant and I have adopted 3 children when they were 4, 6, and 11. They remember their birth parents (who neglected them terribly).
Our society puts alot of emphasis on birth moms being the "real" mom. My birth mom gave birth to me, and for that I am forever grateful. My real mom took me to the dentist, taught me how to wash myself, fed me, played with me, tolerated me through horrible teenage years, sent me to college, was there every step of the way through it all. As I am for my kids-the good, the bad, and they ugly.
Please do not disrespect and diminish the profound role your daughter's mother has played in her life. She is her real mom (as real as you are) and should influence her. And her feelings should be important to her daughter.
I know that there is enough room in my heart for my mom as well as my birth mom, should I ever meet her. As there is room for all the moms in my kids life, should they choose to reunite with their birth mom.
You undoubtably gave up your child because it was the best choice for her. It is absolutely a most loving and selfless act.
Adoptive moms do loving and selfless acts each and every day of their children's lives.
peace,
Fritzi