[gr8fuladoptee]

Hi,

I've been thinking about something lately and wanted to get some feedback from people here.

I know adoption is painful for everyone involved maybe even a bit more for birthparents? I don't know but anyways that's not my burning question.
This is it, Do you think it's God's Will that you were adopted or did he intend for you to stay with your biological parents? I thought I had my mind made up on this but not so sure now.

[SchmennaLeigh]

As a birthmother, these were my thoughts on the subject:

Birth / First Parent Blog - Faith and Adoption: Where Is God in Placement?

I struggled with the topic for a long time before I felt that God helped me understand things a bit better.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I think that God has a plan for everyone. I know that in my experience I could not understand it until I trusted in him and that HE knew what he was doing. My children are too young to answer these questions themselves, but I feel they were meant to be with us.

[mom2GRLC]

As an adoptive parent of 4 children (well almost 4) through fostercare. I was really faced with this question about 2 years ago, when I was entering an open adoption with one of my childrens birthfamilies.

Before she even became adoptable I trusted that GODS WILL would be done. Infact I continued to trust in it until that very day when my daughter was about to be reunited with her birthmother. When right before court everything completely changed. We went from preparing to give up our precious daughter....to finding out she was coming up for adoption.

The next few months and actually years were pretty difficult. As I watched her birthfamiliy suffer that loss. As I tried to continue a relationship with them and as I saw their lives changing for the better pretty soon after their rights were terminated. I questioned wether this really was his WILL. I questioned why I should blessed with my beautiful daughter and why they should have to endure so much pain or wether they should have been given just a little more time....and if that would have really made any difference...or wether them loosing her was what made all the difference in their lives.

It's then when I began searching for all the answers and reasons behind everything that happened. Actually it's been a long process right from the start.

I DO believe that my kids coming up for adoption and coming to our family was all part of his WILL. While I do believe that some things are pre-destined I also believe in free agency. So it's hard for me to find the answer to...

Were these children destined to be mine from the begining of time? Were they always meant to come into our family? Was I destined to suffer infertility and to become a foster mother to the child that would one day finally find it's way to me?

Or were they only meant to be mine once their birthparents "CHOOSE" not to step up and be the parents they needed to be to them? Was I then chosen and found ready and prepared to be a mohter to that child at that time when the child was in need of a mother and family?

I honestly don't know the answer to that one....at this moment.

But I do know with all my heart that it was GODS WILL that I be their mother now and forever and really that's what really matters. It doesn't really make any difference at what point they were "meant" to be in my family....only that they were and they are here now.

[myguatbabes]

I believe that everything in this life was predestined by God when he created the universe and while we have free will, He has always known what choices we would make, even before we made them. Therefore, YES I do believe that some children were meant to be adopted. I believe that the miscarriages I suffered during the early years of my marriage made me ready to adopt. The adoption of my son (special needs) was part of God's plan and now my career is to help other families with special needs children obtain and maintain services they need in order to care for their children. Then, a few years ago, God led us to Guatemala where we fell in love with the country and the culture. We are now in process with our 4th Guatemalan adoption and I have NO doubt that God intended each of these children to become part of my family and that His plan is greater than mine and someday, because of their adoption, it will impact the lives of others for His Glory and His Good. JMHO.

God Bless

[bromanchik]

I do not believe in pre-destination. I do not think God willed me to make love with Matt's birthfather and conceive him. I do not believe I was the vessel to bring Matt to his "real" parents. My definition of free will is that we, as human beings, are given the ability to make our own decisions. The decisions I made resulted in pregnancy. The decisions I made placed my son in his adoptive family.

I know other birthmoms who were raped. The decisions that other people made to harm resulted in a pregnancy. These women then decided to take their babies to term. To nurture life conceived in violence. They used their free will.

I know other birthmoms who were coerced into placing their babies. Some were told by workers in the "Christian" agencies they were working with that it was "God's Will" they place. These workers used their power and influence - their free will - to pressure women into placing their babies. Insidiously, in the name of God.

I know of birthmoms in China who abandonded their babies because of laws made by men using their free will. I know of birthmoms in third world countries that have relinquished their children because of poverty... poverty that exists because of policies and the free will actions of men and women, not God.

I know adoptive parents who made promises to new moms in order to adopt their babies only to go back on those promises once the final papers were signed. they were using their free will. Some used God to justify their decision to do this. (Direct quote: "I prayed about it and God told me that it is not a good thing for my son to have contact with you."

I know adoptees who were abused and neglected by adoptive parents using their free will.

I believe that God wants us to have lives full of love and blessings, but I also believe He/She lets us make our own decisions.

[blessedbybug]

The God I know and believe in doesn't "Plan" for anyone to have pain in their lives. He does allow it, since he gave us free will and sometimes our free will (or the free will of others whose intentions may be good or evil) takes us in a direction that he wouldn't have taken us if he was in complete control.

The God I know would never say "here I'm going to make this woman experience the crisis of an unintended pregnancy so that you can be a parent". That to me is quite distasteful. That he would bring pain on one person so that I could experience parenting just doesn't work for me.

The God I know tries to protect us from things by being present in our lives, by giving us direction in our choices. SOmetimes we end up in a place where we're not listening and then we have to face other not so easy choices in front of us, none of them what God may have intended but with his help we can find a solution even if it does involve a level of pain.

The God I know would not have intentionally put me through the heartache of infertility and pregnancy loss just to get me to the place to parent someone else's child, a child that he intended for me. I CANNOT believe in that kind of God. That he would intentionally inflict pain and loss on me AND the one who gave birth to my child just doesn't work in my understanding of who God is and his will for me. FOr the child I am blessed to parent. For my child's First Parents.

I do believe that God can and does intervene. I believe that in our situation, he brought us together with a woman who needed someone to help her in parenting her child. SHe wanted to do it but knew that she couldn't based on her life choices. We made ourselves available as a possible option for her. And I do believe based on all the circumstances of the matches (I don't believe in coincidence or fate so providence is the only way to explain some of the things that happened) and placements that God somehow pushed us together to find a solution, although for how our DD and DS would be parented. It isn't ideal as I know their First Parents have the hearts to parent, just not the will. It's not ideal as I believe that biology is best if it is a whole and healthy place for the child. It's not ideal. But I also believe that God sometimes works with the imperfect to find the good way.

[mrsred]

Onthat note... the oft used saying "If God brings you to it He will bring you through it" really bugs me. God does not "bring us to is". sometimes it is our own stupid mistakes, sometimes it is the enemy at work... but, like the previous pster said .. God does not "Plan for us to have pain" in our lives.
BUT., even though he is not the one that brought us to it, no matter what it is, no matter how much stupiditly or sin got us to where we are, He CAN get us through it, if we turn to him in faith, and then we are obedient!

[longingtomeetyou]

hoping to hear from Christian adoptees regarding this topic.....

bumped

[Peggysue]

Hi Everyone,

I'm speaking as an adoptee, and I find it hard to answer. I believe it is God's will that we have free will, and as my parents were probably not Christians, at the time of my relinquishment/adoption, I doubt that they consulted God on the issue. Obviously God knew that I would become a Christian, so maybe He had a hand on the situation even though I wasn't saved at the time.

I have had terrible fears and depression, which I believe He has shown me was due to inadequate emotional care during my first year when I was fostered. I do not believe that it was God's will that I suffered in that way, and believe He is currently helping me to work through those issues. Of course if I had stayed with my bmother that wouldn't have happened. She thought that if she kept me there would be a stigma from her not being married (it was the 1950s), but my bfather offered to marry her but she refused. If she hadn't I would have been spared that pain, but would have missed my aparents whom I loved dearly and always felt like their daughter. I tend to think that God chose them for me.

Whether or not it was His will that I should have stayed with my bparents I don't know. Maybe it was, but He works with the choices we make out of our free will, so as they relinquished me (sacrificially I believe) it was not an option.

As God designed families and decreed that sex (and therefore procreation) should be within marriage, His best for us must be with bparents who are married to each other. As we live in a fallen world however things don't always work His way. He knows the mistakes we are going to make, and I believe He works around them to bring good to those who love Him. How it works before we are Christians I really don't know.

Those of you who have adopted as Christians, in obedience to God, MUST know that you have the children He intended for you. Bparents who gave the situation to God MUST know that you've done the right thing (although I know it must be painful if it involved relinquishment) if you followed His will. If either set of my parents had said that they had prayed and believed it was God's will that I was adopted I would have accepted that. (My bparents may have done - I have not met them.) Otherwise I really can't tell what was God's will in the situation. Have you asked God about your own situation gr8fuladoptee?

It is an interesting question you have raised, and I have rambled on and not really drawn any conclusions. All I know is God wants the best for us, forgives our sins (and commands us to forgive others) and has come to "bind up the brokenhearted" (Isaiah 61v1 - part of).

Blessings to all,

Peggysue

[julz12-13]

i've been thinking about this all weekend. so i hope you dont mind me answering. i am a preacher's daughter. i got pregnant at almost 20yo by a guy i met thru church. i was left to decide how to handle my pregnancy. my parents were very much for adoption. i wanted the baby.
but there was a defining moment that i prayed to God one night. its was one of the most earnest prayers ever...i told God IF He wanted me to give this baby up, then give me some peace about it. at that very moment, a wave of love and security came over me...i know the Holy Spirit was w/ me. i knew my answer. from then on i didnt falter. i asked my atty to find a preacher's family...which he did. it was a closed adoption almost 21 yrs ago.
now was it God's plan for me to have pre-maritial sex? NO. but He knew there was couple who had served Him, that longed for a baby. so He knew He would use this situation to make it better and glorify Him. each adoption is an answer to prayer. i feel it was the one real time He used me to serve Him. i'm not saying i'm anyone special...b/c i'm not. but i know He was in my life making a miracle out of situation that could have been bad. i'm glad about my decision b/c of that. it helps some of the sadness to be easier. i believe b/c of it, He will allow me and my bd to be reunited, either here on this earth or in Heaven.

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by julz12-13

i've been thinking about this all weekend. so i hope you dont mind me answering. i am a preacher's daughter. i got pregnant at almost 20yo by a guy i met thru church. i was left to decide how to handle my pregnancy. my parents were very much for adoption. i wanted the baby.
but there was a defining moment that i prayed to God one night. its was one of the most earnest prayers ever...i told God IF He wanted me to give this baby up, then give me some peace about it. at that very moment, a wave of love and security came over me...i know the Holy Spirit was w/ me. i knew my answer. from then on i didnt falter. i asked my atty to find a preacher's family...which he did. it was a closed adoption almost 21 yrs ago.
now was it God's plan for me to have pre-maritial sex? NO. but He knew there was couple who had served Him, that longed for a baby. so He knew He would use this situation to make it better and glorify Him. each adoption is an answer to prayer. i feel it was the one real time He used me to serve Him. i'm not saying i'm anyone special...b/c i'm not. but i know He was in my life making a miracle out of situation that could have been bad. i'm glad about my decision b/c of that. it helps some of the sadness to be easier. i believe b/c of it, He will allow me and my bd to be reunited, either here on this earth or in Heaven.

glad to see your still here .......

[Juliana13]

julz12-13 - Thank you for sharing your special experience. Both of our children's birthmothers shared similar experiences with us and it always brings tears to my eyes. I always felt strongly that our children were meant to be ours. I even had a dream that a daughter was coming, and her name would be ___. The next day, we got a phone call that a young woman chose us to parent her daughter, and could (same name) be part of her name somewhere? Still, I felt a little uncomfortable with the notion that they were "meant" to be ours. Because I didn't want to belittle their first mother's role - she wasn't just the messenger, carrying our child to us from God, she was her mother. And she COULD have kept her. I still feel that sweet strong feeling each time I contemplate it, or pray about it, and know in my heart they are mine, and always were meant to be mine. It helps to have both birthmothers in our situation totally agree with that sentiment, but still... I never felt entitled to someone else's child (I've heard that before - about aparents). But the two I have... I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or belittle their very real pain and loss, but I have to honestly say that I DO feel they were sent to our home by God's will.

Now, I know that not every adoption is God's will, and I know that regardless of God's will, we humans have a unique freedom to completely ignore Him and do whatever we want. And no, it was not God's will that our birthmothers find themselves in tough situations and have that choice to make, but He knew them, and the goodness of their hearts, and He knew they could and would find us, and He made a plan accordingly. But I am grateful that my to birthmothers were sensitive enough to seek out and understand God's will for them and their children, and strong enough to do it. One said she felt an almost voice tell her "He's not yours to keep. I have a family chosen for him." That humbles me, and makes me darn sure I do the best job I can as his parent.

I know there are a lot of different adoption situations, and not all go the way maybe we think they are "supposed" to go, but one thing I know for sure. God loves all his children deeply - and will support us through the mistakes and successes we have in our lives.

Okay...sermon over

[TxMom65]

I've struggled with this concept of God's will in our adoption since we began thinking of adoption.

We didn't plan to adopt, we met a then 6 year old girl in foster care who asked us if we had ever considered adoption. It took us a year after meeting her to get the ball rolling and 10 months after that to get her. We prayed about this and had many people praying for us in our journey.

Once we had our she asked us why God let bad things happen to her. Why did she have to wait 8 years for a family? I questioned that myself. People would say that it was God's will for us to have her and I couldn't imagine that she had to suffer for so long just to be with us.

My answer to my daughter was that we don't live in a perfect world. In a perfect world there would be no adoption. People make bad choices that affect others and she was one who was affected.

Later when we read her file we saw that the first report of her abuse was when she was only 1 day old and still in the hospital. My husband and I have wondered that if WE had been more open to God's will in our lives, would we have had her at one day? We have felt that we had a baby girl we never had and always talked of wanting one. We would say no, we were through with kids.

So my answer is a big I don't know. I do know that we were meant to get her when we did. Doors opened for us that were locked tight. I saw miracles happen during our process and I still can't believe sometimes that we actually really have her. I just wish now that it had been 9 years ago.

[julz12-13]

Originally Posted by Juliana13

julz12-13 - Thank you for sharing your special experience. Both of our children's birthmothers shared similar experiences with us and it always brings tears to my eyes. I always felt strongly that our children were meant to be ours. I even had a dream that a daughter was coming, and her name would be ___. The next day, we got a phone call that a young woman chose us to parent her daughter, and could (same name) be part of her name somewhere? Still, I felt a little uncomfortable with the notion that they were "meant" to be ours. Because I didn't want to belittle their first mother's role - she wasn't just the messenger, carrying our child to us from God, she was her mother. And she COULD have kept her. I still feel that sweet strong feeling each time I contemplate it, or pray about it, and know in my heart they are mine, and always were meant to be mine. It helps to have both birthmothers in our situation totally agree with that sentiment, but still... I never felt entitled to someone else's child (I've heard that before - about aparents). But the two I have... I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or belittle their very real pain and loss, but I have to honestly say that I DO feel they were sent to our home by God's will.

Now, I know that not every adoption is God's will, and I know that regardless of God's will, we humans have a unique freedom to completely ignore Him and do whatever we want. And no, it was not God's will that our birthmothers find themselves in tough situations and have that choice to make, but He knew them, and the goodness of their hearts, and He knew they could and would find us, and He made a plan accordingly. But I am grateful that my to birthmothers were sensitive enough to seek out and understand God's will for them and their children, and strong enough to do it. One said she felt an almost voice tell her "He's not yours to keep. I have a family chosen for him." That humbles me, and makes me darn sure I do the best job I can as his parent.

I know there are a lot of different adoption situations, and not all go the way maybe we think they are "supposed" to go, but one thing I know for sure. God loves all his children deeply - and will support us through the mistakes and successes we have in our lives.

Okay...sermon over

juliana13 i hope the mother of my bd feels the same as you. i know they are christians...and i pray for a reunion some day. dont ever feel your children are someone else's children. they are yours. i have 3 children of my own. i prayed and "planned" each one of them. i say "planned" b/c i had to have some sort of control...i never wanted to be caught w/ "my pants down" again...so to speak. excuse my humour. there was a different feeling while pregnant w/ them compared to my bd. even tho i will say i treasured the moments pregnant w/ her, after the denial stage, and the time i spent w/ her in the hospital.
i hope to have an open relationship w/ my bd and her parents. she turns 21 in december. i pray to God about this every day. but i want to be a bmom, not a parent or THE mother. do you get what i'm saying? you are THE mom!!! and dont forget that. those kids are YOURS!!! God bless your family. and i thank Him for caring ppl like you.