Second guessing Gods will

ssshhh · #1 01-30-2007, 09:30 PM

I am fairly new to this site. I am a bmom who went through an open adoption 18 years ago. I found this site because I did not know if I should write to my birthdaughter on her birthday. I had not had contact with her for a few years. Her aparents are great parents but only sent letters and updates after the age of 8 if I would send one first. I felt like I was invading their family. I did write to her and sent a gift and left it up to her if she wants to keep communication opened.
I found a spiritual program 16 years ago and since that time have felt in my heart that God had an ultimate plan that he allowed me to be a part of. After reading about open adoptions on this site I now feel ashamed!!! I am second guessing Gods plan for us.
Is my bdaughter going to feel like I abandoned her and didnt care????? I had no clue that open adoptions could be as open as I see now. I missed so much because I did not want to make her life about me and my wants. I just did not know everything about open adoptions at the time. I can not go back and change anything now. I just feel sick. I do not like second guessing God's plans either. I do not think that God would want my bdaughter to feel bad for my mistake of not knowing more. Has anyone experienced this?

PastorStephanie · #2 01-31-2007, 12:17 AM

ssshhh, I wish I could say I have never wavered in my accpetance of God's will... but I have. Even more accurately, I have questioned my perception of His will. With my adoption, I know that it was God's plan for all of us: me, my bfamily and my afamily. That doesn't mean that I am always happy about that fact. I grieve the loss of my bfamily, the memories and the years but I rejoice in the gift of my afamily, those memories and those beautiful years.

My bmom also feels like she followed God's ultimate plan for my life and while there have been days that I have hated that- I know that she did what she TRULY believed was best for me. And who can be angry when someone did what they truly percieved as best for everyone- even if that best thing hurts or worst case situation wasn't actually best? It was still a decision motivated by love.

While it is of course impossible to say what your daughter is or is not feeling, I am confident that God can bring healing to her no matter where she is in her feelings towards her adoption. My bmother also had no true idea how much more open our relationship could have been when I was growing up... and as a result is was VERY limited. Hindsight proves that pictures, letters, gifts etc all would have been welcomed by my afamily but I accept that she was unaware of those things at the time.

Don't second guess your decision. You love your daughter, you made the best decision you could have and followed what you truly believed was God's plan for you and her at the time... Adoption isn't black or white, right or wrong... it has grays and middle ground and all we can do is what we think is best and trust God to- as it says in the Bible, make things "work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes..."

God Bless you and may He bring you and your daughter peace.

Jody M · #3 01-31-2007, 06:40 AM

Shhh, As an adoptee I view adoption as the most beautiful option in unplanned pregnancies where the birth parents are not able to parent. Of course I came to this knowledge as an adult. I have never resented my birth mother and father for making an adoption plan- but I also was very fortunate to be adopted into a loving Christian family. I do believe that adoptees who struggle in their adoptive homes and/or have not bonded with their parents, or cases where they are in dysfunctional homes, the adoptee can definately view the adoption from that perspective. It is hard to know what your daughter thinks but I love Pastor Stephanie's suggestion to pray for her- God can work in her heart and life and mind and bring healing if there are misunderstandings or hurts.
I have talked to many adult adoptees in the support group work I have done for 12 years- It may surprise you but adoptees in closed adoptions express a wish for more openess in adoption- such as knowing more about their birth family and getting photos and possible correspondence by mail. But many that I have met and talked to are not comfortable with the thought of open adoption- too confusing they say, or difficult to feel comfortable in how the adoptee reacts or gives loyalty to both sets of parents. Now this is not ALL adoptees feelings but I find it interesting that many adoptees wish they had known more about their adoption, had the opportunity to see photos and possibly correspond with their birth parents, but many were not warm to the idea of open adoptions- due the dynamics and many persons where this has to work out. I commend and honor open adoptions in the families where there is excellent communications and respect/love for each other and established boundaries. But open adoption can be very difficult if not handled correctly- an emotional rollercoaster- so it is reserved for those who chose to navigate and negotiate.
Contrary to many people's opinions many of us adoptees, though we may have struggled internally in our emotions about our relinquishment and adoptions have turned out to be healthy adults and adapted and healed or are in the process of healing. Sometimes the media and militant groups push the idea that all adoptees are damaged from closed adoptions. That is not true- but it is true that they have extra hurdles to climb emotionally in finding peace and resolve and embracing their adoptee identity and status- some of course struggle more in this area even into adulthood and later.
Shh, You did the right thing for your daughter and keep in prayer that God would flood her mind and heart and spirit with truth and grace regarding her adoption.

Blessings and thanks so much with openly sharing with us! Sending a cyber hug to you for I feel much love and respect and gratitude to birth mothers who chose LIFE and adoption for their children instead of abortion.

Jody

shef · #4 01-31-2007, 06:59 AM

Sssshhh......Hi I am shefalie.....thankyou for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I really like waht Jody and Pastor Stephanie has said to you already.......but just wanted to add.......I am an adoptee.....who did find it hard to accept that being placed in anotehr family was Gods will, or anybodys will for taht matter.....and I had all sorts of perceptions about my bmother. They went and up and down....but looking back....if I had had some contact, some access to her thoughts and feelings, I think it would have at least given me an option in how i perceived things.
God has come into my life, an dhelped me to change those perceptions and am coming into healing and a place where I can see that my bmother did the best thing for her and me at the time. Though there was much ambivalence for me about my afamily and how I felt about them, loyalty etc....I alwasy wondered how my bmother felt about it all.......You can only say the truth as you have said it, and God will help your heart where there have been the years of gaps.....as he will with your daughter......and help you to make some other choices now you know.......and we will pray for you both.....for there is no right or wrong ways as has been said.
Bless your heart and am glad you have found this place.

shefalie

Jody M · #5 01-31-2007, 12:48 PM

Thanks Shef for sharing your journey of healing in adoption and how you have come to see that you birth mother made a decision in your best interest- not to harm you. It is so freeing to let go of wrong perceptions and embrace the truth. What birth mother truly despised her baby in the womb- what they found impossible is the circumstances that the pregnancy put them in. Years ago there was little to no support for an unwed mother to choose to be a single parent- little counseling, few resources or encouragement or Care Net centers that offered counseling, and mentored women through the pregnancy, birth and parenting and helped them with their schooling and or finances or gave them diapers, food or found housing for them. Its a whole different world now. Also families and society were very judgemental to birth parents who found themselves in these situtations- such shame visited the families and their chuches. Where people should have extended grace and godly counsel there was often judgment and apathy.

Thanks Shef for sharing! Jody

BrockBaby · #6 01-31-2007, 06:51 PM

Ssshhh...I was really touched by your post. I am also an adoptee, who grew up in the closed-adoption era. I really didn't know anything for sure about my bmom. I had "heard" a few things...she was young, 16 or 17, intelligent, athletic, and I knew some things about my birth...such as weight, ect. I can tell you that from a VERY young age I LOVED my bmom. No one talked about it with me, other than to say I was adopted. I didn't get to express my feelings openly, but deep in my heart I pondered her. When I was young, I would be in bed and I'd get under the covers and close my eyes really tight and pretend that she was the one down the hall from me. I longed for her. I loved her. I thought about her. I still do. Even though I always loved her there were those hurt feelings. Feeling, "why didn't she fight to keep me?" Feeling, "wasn't I good enough?" Feeling, "I was forgotten." Those are normal feelings, but they aren't the way I still feel. Thankfully I have sought God about my feelings about my bmom and the relinquishment. I grew up, I realized that sometimes we don't get to do what we want. That circumstances aren't what we wish they were, and that bmoms did what they felt was the best at the time. I learned that some bmoms really didn't have a choice. I learned that we do things we later regret. We can't punish people now for choices made years ago. Times change, People change. I will continue to love my bmom. I will love her even if she never wants to meet me. I can't help it...she created me..with the help of God!
My prayer for you ssshhh is that you can recieve healing. That you are able to see God's hand in your life. I know that there is a lot of pain in your heart. God takes our broken pieces and creates something beautiful out of it. Sometimes we can't see what He is creating, or how He is going to make beauty out of what we see as a mess, but HE can and will! You are precious to Him, as is your daughter. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of...you decided to give your daughter life. And I want to encourage you that even if she may seem distant at first or doesn't want contact, do not give hope. She may just need time and to be healed as well. I love the suggestion that you pray for her as well. Pray that God reveals the truth to her. Pray that He opens her heart to healing, to know Him if she doesn't. God knows the plans He has for us, and they are not to harm us...so please rest in the fact that God was there, even when it may not have felt like He was. He was there when you were choosing life, and I know that He was smiling that you did that!

Many blessings to you. I will be praying that God will see you through this.

Jody M · #7 01-31-2007, 08:15 PM

Beautiful reply to Shhh, Brock Baby! Thanks for sharing your experience as an adoptee and how wonderful that God has brought healing and wholeness to you! I love the verse in the book of Joel in the bible- God talking " I will redeem the years the locust ate away" And note that it says I WILL- a promise, not a maybe to those who embrace God , draw near to Him, receive Him as Lord and trust in His mercy, grace and promises.
God is faithful and the God of reconciliation.
Blessings, Jody

BrockBaby · #8 01-31-2007, 08:22 PM

Jody....that is a great verse! God is such a God of restoration! I look at Job's life, and how he lost everything dear to him...everything but his God! So even in those distressing times, when it feels unfair, I think about how God is a God of restoration. How God has my best interest at heart. And how He will restore me and to me all that was "eaten". Thanks for pointing that out!!!!!!

Blessings & Hugs

Jody M · #9 01-31-2007, 09:04 PM

Hi Brock-Baby from Jody! God's word truly is living and its truths are so beautiful! I know we need to claim its truths and walk in light of them.
I would LOVE to send you a copy of Adoption Blessings Journal- the journal that I published 9 - 20 page issues of- have not published for quite some time due to high costs of printing and mailing. I think you would love the stories of faith in adoption penned by adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents. Send me a personal e-mail. If anyone else would like a copy of the lastest hard copy issue- let me know. Would LOVE to resume publishing this journal - I miss doing it!
Blessings, Jody

PastorStephanie · #10 01-31-2007, 10:10 PM

Jody, that verse from the book of Joel concerning the restoration of all things lost is such an encouraging truth. I was just talking to my bmom on the phone about how much God has blessed our family in the last year. She expressed to me how thrilled she was because it feels like God has "made up" for the missing years already, in terms of healing and strong relationships all the way around! I know that this is so true.

I think that sometimes as member of the adoption triangle, we can fall into the trap of feeling like things will never be set right. But I have come to believe that God can and does bring total restoration in His time. I am not there yet but it feels good to be on the way.

ssshhh, I hope that you are encouraged to know that God can restore alot of things in a short amount of time, even where there has been silence or hurt in the past.

Jody M · #11 02-01-2007, 03:30 AM

ISAIAH 61

(1) The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me; he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and release to the prisoners; (2)to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; (3)to provide for those who mourn in Zion - to give them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit. They will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, to display his glory.

(4)They shall build up the ancient ruins, they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities,the devastations of many generations.(5)Strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, foreigners shall till your land and dress your vines; (6) but you shall be called priests of the Lord, you shall be named ministers of our God; you shall enjoy the wealth of the nations, and in their riches you shall glory. (7)Because their shame was double, and dishonor was proclaimed as their lot, therefore they shall possess a double portion; everlasting joy shall be theirs. (8)For I the Lord love justice, I hate robbery and wrongdoing;I will faithfully give them their recompense, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them. (9)Their descendants shall be known among the nations, and their offspring among the peoples; all who see them shall acknowledge that they are a people whom the Lord has blessed.

(10)I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my whole being shall exult in my God; for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation, he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (11) For as the earth brings forth its shoots, and as a garden causes what is sown in it to spring up, so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring up before all the nations.

ssshhh · #12 02-02-2007, 12:47 PM

Thank you for all of your replies.
I know that my bdaughter grew up in a great home. With two parents who believe in god and brought her up in thier belief. After reading the posts I started praying for her (not that she is not well) and that she knows God. If there are any negative feelings that God heal her.
I think her 18th birthday was just a big day. I have went through all these emotions. As a bmom I want her to call me, want to make contact. Want her to accept me. I do not know why we look at our bchildren as being an adult as soon as 18 hits. Just because they are "legal".
I almost felt like I had a right to interfere with her life because she is of legal age now. As if that age is not difficult enough for a girl.
Our adoption was as opened as God wanted it!!! My bdaughter was very shy and may not have handled it well and it may have confused her if we were too opened (I see that now).
Thank you so much for taking me back to God through your posts. I know that God can restore all things. In his time. Praying for my bdaughter actually helps me also by knowing that she is Gods child first and foremost.

Jody M · #13 02-02-2007, 09:06 PM

Sssshh, Thanks for sharing with us and it is so evident that you have beautiful compassion and love for your daughter. How lovely that you have prayed for her and God has heard your prayers. I cannot tell you what a gift that is to pray for someone else- its priceless and the greatest blessing for someone. You are so sensitive to your daughter's needs- as she matures and grows I pray she may embrace that sensitivity as well.
May God flood your spirit as you continue to pray for your daughter- allowing God to work his marvelous ways in her life and emotions. Also praying for God to richly bless you.
Thanks for sharing so openly the heart of a birth mother!
Blessings, Jody

BrockBaby · #14 02-03-2007, 09:31 AM

Ssshhh,
You fill my heart with hope! Your daughter is blessed indeed to have a mother who seeks God on her behalf. Your post reminded me of how some are to plant seeds, others to water, but that God gives the increase. You are doing your part, and I KNOW that God will do His. Be encouraged that He is in control. My prayers are that you will get all the desires of your heart.

longingtomeetyou · #15 02-19-2007, 12:08 PM

wow these posts are really uplifting ......

as a birthmom i also wonder when daughter turns 18 (next year) how she will feel about me and the decision i made to adopt her into another home......whether she will want contact with me? is she happy ? so many questions go through my head....

its those times of doubt that i just leave her in Gods hands which is the best place to leave her .....

Welcome to the Forums.	Register
If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts.