[BrockBaby]

I was sitting here listening to some music, and it got me to thinking about how God has always been able to use music to minister to my soul. I know that there are songs that really speak to me as an adoptee as well. I am not sure if you know the song by Israel Houghton called

"He Knows My Name"

I have a maker, He formed my heart.
ohhh before even time began
My life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me, no matter where I go

This song is so special to me, if you have a chance to listen to it do so. I think it really speaks to the "orphan" inside of me, that He knows my name and hears ME when I call!!!! I know that for years I wondered what "my name" use to be... and it gave me comfort in knowing that God knew it. That HE knew my complete story, and that I could rest in Him until the time I too would know "my story" in completion.

Are there other songs that have really spoken to the "adoptee" in you?

[Jody M]

Alysa, that is a beautiful song and it touches me too as an adoptee- I have heard it before and it is a great song!

I can't think of another song- but there was a great verse written by Roy Lessin for DaySpring cards that I loved as an adoptee:

Just Think

Just think, you're here not by chance, but by God's choosing.
His hand formed you and made you the person you are.
He compares you to no one else - you are one of a kind.
You lack nothing that His grace can't give you.
He has allowed you to be here
at this time in history to fulfill His special purpose
for this generation.

Roy Lessin

[BrockBaby]

That's a great verse! Sometimes I think it would be really neat to create cards. I know a lady who does this, and I've always thought it was most interesting. I wish that there were more cards that are adoption related available.

I know a song that as a child always made me think. It was Maybe from the movie Annie.

Maybe far away or maybe real near by
He may be pouring her coffee
She may be straightening his tie
Maybe in a house all hidden by a hill
She's sitting playiing piano
He's sitting paying a bill

Betcha their young
Betcha their smart
Bet they collect things like ashtrays and art
Betcha their good, why shouldn't they be
Their one mistake was giving up me

So maybe now it's time
And maybe when i wake
They'll be there calling me baby
Maybe

Betcha he reads
Betcah she sews, maybe she's made me a closet of clothes
Maybe their strict, as straight as a line
Don't really care, as long as their mine

So maybe now this prayer's the last one of it's kind
Won't you please come get your baby
Maybe

I remember I was about five when this movie came out, and my mom and I went with our neighbors to see it. I remember crying and crying and crying. I started crying when Annie was beiing chased up the tracks, and wouldn't stop! I can see now how much I identified with Annie. I owned the movie and would watch it over and over and over The song Maybe was always one I'd listen to over and over again as well. I guess as a child I had hoped that my bmom was like the "mom" in the song. Hoping that she was kind, gentle and would want to know me. It wasn't that I didn't love my aparents, I did and do.. very much so. I guess it was always the not knowing. The wondering. Even as a child it bothered me that I didn't get to know the woman who nurtured me and loved me for over nine months.

[Jody M]

Wow- thanks for sharing that song Alysa- I do not remember ever watching the entire movie Annie- Now I will. Her song truly speaks to adoptees, especially those in the closed adoption system. Do think more on this card development- I have thought of that also in the past- there are some in the adoption triad that have made special cards- but now sure their names offhand. It is great, especially when in adoption reunion to have cards that speak to the unique issues of reunion and feelings, sentiments. Often VERY HARD to find cards that are fitting and say the appropriate words.

Blessings to you and that for your sharing! If you know other adoptees and triad members on the net- share with them about our forum here! The more the merrier!

Talk to you later! Jody

[Christmas]

Awwww...my dear, dear sweet Alysa. What a wonderful chosen piece of music you have here to express and display your inner feelings as a child and I'd suspect as you are now. You know I love you..and I would fill you up in a heartbeat if I could..yes...I could be that special someone to be your Mother. Never forget, you are a treasure. You are my 'substitute' birth child, and I am your 'substitute' birth mom. This year will YES, be the year. Love you grands!!

[PastorStephanie]

Alysa, I totally remember the first time I heard that song from Annie too! I was watching the movie at my cousin's house and I will remember the flood of emotions that hit me when I heard that song. I didn't have the words to explain what was wrong at the time but my reaction was the same tears... I haven't thought about that moment in years.

The song that I love is an old worship chours:

Look what the Lord has done,
Look what the Lord has done,
He saved my body,
He saved my mind,
He saved me, JUST IN TIME...

This song strikes me so much because my bmom nearly aborted me when I was four months along. I really feel like it was the Hand of God that preserved my life that day and He truly saved me JUST IN TIME... and gave her the courage to walk out of the abortion clinic- with me still inside her.

[BrockBaby]

That is an awesome song as well! I had never really thought about it in the same way you did, but I can understand why that song spoke to you in such a mighty way. We use to sing that song ALL the time when I first started going to my current church. (1998) We sang it with "Going To the Enemy's Camp"

Now that song would make me "claim" what the enemy had stolen from me. And I would often think of how he, through the yucky closed system, had stolen my right to my original identity. And at times even knowing my bmom. And I can remember singing...

"Well I am going to the enemy's camp and I'm taking back what he stole from me!"

And now as I look back to that song, I think about the joy, the peace, and the other things that I had allowed the enemy steal from me because of my adoption. And I'm glad that I did go to that enemy's camp and I did take back what was rightfully mine. Peace..Joy....Love....and no matter what the circumstances of my adoption....now matter why it happened....no matter what...I can have that Joy, Peace, and Love! Adoption did not take them away from me!!!!

Boy, it's late and I feel like I am really rambling!!!!!

[Jody M]

Hi again Alysa! I have also thought of that - that the enemy steals things away from us- and many from the adoption triad can feel this from their perspective. Adoptees feel they were separated from their birth parents, and cultural/ethnic identity, birth mothers and fathers feel the pain of separation and loss and not being acknowledged as parents, and many adoptive parents faced infertility and lost the ability to have biological children and the experience of pregnancy and birth.
I love the scripture from Joel that says, "I will redeem the years the locust age away" God speaking. That is a promise to claim! God is a redeeming God and He is ever faithful!

Thanks for sharing that! Blessings, Jody

[BrockBaby]

Greetings!

Jody...I really appreciate that you brought out that each part of the triad faces a loss. Many people don't see adoptive parents having a sense of "loss" because they seem to be the one "gaining" a child. And some people even get "bitter" about the "loss" of adoptive parents, thinking it's not "that big of a deal." It is a big deal. I know that as a woman, it would be a major loss to me if I would not be able to have children. ( I am not yet married, so I have not "tried" for any kids yet ) My friends and I have all talked about that being one of the fears that we have. I think that it is important though, that ANY person who wants to adopt because of infertility needs to make sure that they are both aware of any loss they may feel, and begin the healing of that loss. It is not right for the child they adopt to have to suffer because THEY did not deal with a loss they have felt. Does this make sense? I do not want to offend, but I feel that it is a very important step for adoptive parents to take...healing! I also wish that more adoptive parents would not "hide" their loss, but acknowledge it. Only when we bring something to the light can we conquer it. I have talked to MANY adoptive parents who display characteristics of someone who has not dealt with a loss, but will deny it to the end. Why have we let society make adoptive parents feel bad if they admit that they suffered a loss? Sometimes I think adoptees have felt "second best" when adoption was the only other option for a couple having a child. I know personally that I have VERY MUCH felt second best, KNOWING that if my adoptive parents would have had a child of their own I would not be their child. However, since I have become an adult myself, and got a real look at life, I now know that there are choices we make because of the circumstances we are in. I hope what I am saying is making sense. And those choices aren't "second best" they are just a DIFFERENT choice than we originally felt we would be making. It reminds me of the passage in the Bible where it states that man makes his plans, but God has His. We are disregarding God's plan when we look at adoption as "second best". So we need to allow adoptive parents to feel their loss...to express their loss.. and to heal from their loss. It would be the same thing as telling a person who lost the ability to use their legs, Oh what do you have to feel bad about.. you have a wheelchair so you can still get around!! That would be a HORRIBLE thing to do. And I feel that many in the adoption circle does that exact thing to adoptive parents by not allowing them to express the loss that they too felt. How did I get on this soap dish?!?!

I also think that there is a HUGE difference between my adoption and my relinquishment. To me, I gained in my adoption. I gained a new family that loves me. I gained new experiences. I gained friends I never would have had. It is the relinquishment that has caused me my loss. I lost my bmom and my bfamily. I lost my roots. I lost experiences I would have had had I not been adopted. I lost a lot. But THAT loss does not have to cancel out what I did have. I think many many people who are adopted can not separate the two, and so they blur their adoption with their relinquishment, and that is when they become angry over their adoption. I do feel "angry" towards society's laws and bias towards adoptees. But that has NOTHING to do with my relationships within my adoption.

So yes, we do need to take back those things that are rightfully ours!!! And God is able to do this for us, if we only allow Him to.

[BrockBaby]

Christmas.....thanks so much for that lovely post! I am so glad that we have each other to talk with, laugh with, and to understand the "other side". Thanks for being momma b!!!

LUV YA LOTS & LOTS
DOLL

[PastorStephanie]

I also think that there is a HUGE difference between my adoption and my relinquishment. To me, I gained in my adoption. I gained a new family that loves me. I gained new experiences. I gained friends I never would have had. It is the relinquishment that has caused me my loss. I lost my bmom and my bfamily. I lost my roots. I lost experiences I would have had had I not been adopted. I lost a lot. But THAT loss does not have to cancel out what I did have. I think many many people who are adopted can not separate the two, and so they blur their adoption with their relinquishment, and that is when they become angry over their adoption. I do feel "angry" towards society's laws and bias towards adoptees. But that has NOTHING to do with my relationships within my adoption.


I think that this is an amazing point! I have never heard it expressed like that... you are so right. It isn't the adoption that is the loss- it is the relinquishment that hurts. Wow. Thanks for saying it that way. That really ministered to me. Not understanding the distinction you made there has really caused a lot of confusion and guilt concerning my feeling about being adopted. I guess I always love my adopted family but still "blamed the adoption" for my feelings of loss. Hearing your point that it was the relinquishment that caused the loss makes a huge difference in the seperating my positive feelings about being adopted from my negative sense of loss about being relinquished!

[BrockBaby]

You are so welcome! It was very freeing to me as well when I came to that understanding. I too had always felt guilty over my "negative" feelings. It was always hard for me to think of "hating" my adoption, when in my mind that meant that I was hating my parents and my life. The truth was, I loved my parents. I loved my life...well for the most part. But what HURT was the disconnection from my bmom. As a child i LOVED her sooo much...even though I didn't know her. When I FINALLY realized that there was a difference between the two I could then begin to explore ALL my feelings without the guilt!!!! To be honest, this is still "new" to me. I guess after almost thirty years of feeling "guilty" it's hard to stop on demand.
Thanks for all your encouragemnet!!!! I just LOVE this place... I think you guys are stuck with me!

[Jody M]

Stephanie and Alysa, I also woke up one day 12 years ago and realized that I could own mixed feelings about my adoption. A light came on and I was able to separate the 2 parts of my adoption- the relinquishment, separation and early foster care until 9 mos and then my adoption placement into my adoptive family. It was SO freeing to me as well! I no longer felt so guilty about the need to know about my beginnings and searching- it felt right and natural- and before that I felt so "ungrateful" and like I should NOT have these feelings and might hurt my adoptive parents. I remember telling another adoptee I met online about that realization and she too was blown away to have that new mind set- that adoption brings mixed feelings and the emotions involve different parts of the adoption process and identity.
Thanks SO much for sharing that! Its great to see that others have followed that same process I have and found some peace and freedom in Christ!
Blessings, Jody

[BrockBaby]

Jody...it IS so freeing!!! I hate the whole "grateful" adoptee status. I use to feel that I was to be grateful, in an unhealthy way, towards my aparents. I always felt like I had to be "grateful" since they "resuced" me. The thing was, I resented feeling that way. It made me feel as though my life really didn't belong to me, but that I had to please them. It is so strange how we internalize things to the point where we are no longer feeling that our life is ours, but that we are here to meet the needs of someone else. I wish I could take back the way I felt for so many years...but I can't...all I can do now is to continue to heal, educate others, and seek God!

Thanks for sharing Jody! God has given you such a sweet spirit and a very loving heart....glad to "know" you!

[Jody M]

Hi Alysa and all, Thanks for sharing! I believe that the "grateful" adoptee happened for I remember so many people saying to me- you are so lucky to be adopted, or you are so fortunate that your parents adopted you- which is some respects was true but placed a HEAVY load on many adoptees where they "perceived" that they needed to BE GRATEFUL and work hard, strive, not fail in forever showing their gratitude and pay them back.( as you said Alysa- the adoptee became "pleasing" to a fault just not to "rock the boat" or ever seem ungrateful for so great a gift.
I think this is an area where Satan has worked overtime. Just think adoptive parents also were "lucky" or blessed to have a child, especially those who could not conceive one. But many times when persons said to adoptees that they were Lucky, so fortunate to be Chosen or adopted ( as if to say "you could have been a poor orphan but someone took pity on you) I think sadly that is how a good number of adoptees took those comments.
But we cannot go back but we can heal and transform our minds and reframe that time of life and circumstances and understand them, have forgiveness not bitterness and then encourage others, and educate adoptees and adoptive parents and the church/community to speak positive adoption language to all.

Blessings today Alysa and those who read these posts! Draw close to Jesus today and He will be your Shepherd, your Guide and will lead you beside still waters of peace.

Jody