[BrockBaby]

Jody,
As I was reading your post, the part of the "chosen child" part REALLY stuck out to me. I absolutely detested the "chosen child" story. It always made me feel "icky" when I was little, and it still does. Like you were saying, it put a "pressure" on me to be so good, to show that I was grateful. And in some ways when I would hear that, it made me feel like a puppy or a sweater at a store. Oh, you were CHOSEN...you are SPECIAL...ugh!!! To me, as a child, it said...Someone else DID NOT choose you. You can't be "chosen" unless someone else didn't keep you. It really hurt me as a little kid because NO ONE allowed or encouraged me to talk about these feelings. I kept them all locked up in a secret part of my soul, a secret part of my heart, a secret part of my life, a secret part of my pain. I rather be special because of something ABOUT me.. not something that HAPPENED to me. I rather be special just because I am special...as all people are. Adoptee status should not equal "special" in my opinion... it made me feel WAY too much pressure...

Just some thoughts....

[Jody M]

Hi Alysa! Thanks for sharing ! Your words echo what many adoptees in the closed adoption system felt in their mixed emotions relating to adoption and "being chosen". Yes- I woke up one day and felt that STING that said "Someone must have "unchosen me" That did not feel good. So by emphasizing this Chosen Child thing for adoptees ( And there was a very popular childrens book for adopted children with that name ) it placed a cloak of pressure and responsibility on many adoptees that they needed to be extra special and good and not rock the boat. Sad, but this was how many perceived that treatment. And many did not feel a freedom to express all their emotions, questions and unresolved issues about their adoption. So they pushed them down, only to later have them surface later in life.

I do feel that adoptive parents and agencies did not intend to "hurt" the adoptee and felt the Chosen child title would make adoptees feel loved and cover up the pain of the adoption- NOT TRUE.

Hope other adoptees will share how they felt with being told they were chosen or special all the time. This often back fired , for many adoptee just wanted to feel born and normal and not unlike their peers who stayed in their biological families.

Blessings, Jody

[PastorStephanie]

Wow, ladies! I cannot even explain how many times I said to myself, "ME TOO!" as I read through your last several posts. It never ceases to blow me away how these secert feelings I rarely expressed can be shared by others who've also traveled my same road!

I remember my aparents going on and on about me being chosen as a child... which of course felt good at first. I also had that moment of realization where I understood the Un-chosen aspect of things... it gave birth to an intense fear: What if my aparents UN-choose me to, like my bmom did!!? This fear totally changed my personality. In all settings (beside my a and b families) I am a strong, confident, bold leader. I step up, make tough calls and am often required to command a room. But with both my families, I am a peacemaker. All growing up with my afamily, I would compromise what I wanted or needed to keep everyone happy, mediating all situations and resolving conflicts as soon as possible. Anything to keep the peace. I need everyone to feel happy- so I could feel "safe". Any disapproval from my aparents would send me into inner-turmoil... which I never let on to as I believed it would make me a difficult child and thus un-keepable as if they would then UN-chose me.

In reunion circumstances with my bfamily, I assumed the same Peacemaker role right away. It is exhausting, honestly and not a realistic goal for any family- to ALWAYS be at peace. My bmom caught on my tendency in this area and constantly reminds me that I am "safe"- even if and when I rock the boat.

[Jody M]

Hi Alysa and Stephanie and all- we are seeing the beauty of community and support where we openly share in a safe place. We discover the dymanics of adoption and what was practiced in social work and agencies and find how it impacted our lives- It is wonderful that now they know that adoptees need to explore all their feelings about adoption in a safe place where they will not be judged. There are many books out about explaining adoption to the child in the appropriate ways. I also remember going to a couple counselors through the years and they were CLUELESS about how adoption impacted the adoptee and their feelings, emotions, personality and thought processes. Often the counselor, instead of acknowledging the loss and pain of adoption would ignore it or not even explore the myriad of emotions that adoption brought to me.
It is SO SO important that we adoptees who have walked the adoption journey share openly and honestly (with grace and respect of course) what it is like to be an adoptee so that adoptive parents and relatives and school teachers and others use positive adoption language (such as your birth parents made an adoption plan- NOT your birth parents "gave you away" or "did not keep you" ) Also not to use the words "Real mother or father or birth parents" for that stings the adoptive parents and diminishes their role and position- the reverse of those words would be "FAKE PARENTS???"

Thanks all for sharing so we can learn and grow and heal in our journeys and then go out and share openly and educate others that we may encourage the lives of adoptees who come after us!

Blessings, Jody

[shef]

Thankyou for your openess about the word "chosen". I admit to feeling even today as an adult, I really bulk at being told that at least I was chosen, so that should make things better for me in my situation! I just find that hard to accept about this situation .

My aunt said to me, who had also had adopted a baby...that i ought to be grateful always becasue my mothr had gone donw the rows of babies and chose me.......well taht wasnt true anyway becasue it wsnt like that....and I wasnt a baby.......but I have had the help of God in my heart,not to carry a bad attitude about that all. What I tend to do to help myself now...is to say to me.....that my mother chose to keep me and not send me back (which could have happend) and that helps me......

I am sure that many parents didnot want theri kids to feel out of place....and adotpion is seen as something special......and what you say about being unwanted.....well that doesnt bless me either really.....but I have come to see taht that perhaps means more..the mother did not want the situation or circumstances that she found herself in...more than it was about us the babies.......what do you think?

shefalie

[BrockBaby]

Hi girls...this is "alysa"...I had my name changed! Alysa is not my real name, but when I had started chatting about ten years ago at adoption.com I was afraid to use my real name. However, I have been feeling like a "fraud" with the name alysa...so I changed it to my original last name....and since that was my name as a baby, I became BrockBaby. You can call me Brock, that's fine with me!

[BrockBaby]

Shef....even though my parents NEVER told me that they "picked me out" I always had this picture in my mind of me being in a lineup of babies. I could even see a little caption above my head saying... Pick Me! I'm cute! LOL Seriously though, my parents didn't get to "pick me" they just got who the social worker brought! I like that.....made me feel more like a natural family, where you got what you got! Althouh my adoption NEVER REALLY felt like a natural thing, per se. I really think people tell those stories because they don't realize how it makes the adoptee feel. I know my parents would never intentionally try to hurt me....why would they? And I don't think it's most people's intentions to hurt adoptees...it happens out of ignorance and not being able to understand an adoptee's heart.

Keep the faith shef!
Blessings!!!

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by Jody M

It is SO SO important that we adoptees who have walked the adoption journey share openly and honestly (with grace and respect of course) what it is like to be an adoptee so that adoptive parents and relatives and school teachers and others use positive adoption language (such as your birth parents made an adoption plan- NOT your birth parents "gave you away" or "did not keep you" )

I love this wording you suggest: your birthparents made an adoption plan! I have never heard anyone suggest that as an alternative to "she gave you away" but wow, that really changes how people would hear things! It is such a disarming way of expressing what happened!

Recently a student in my youth ministry (I am a youth pastor) knowing I am adopted asked me a question about my "real mother". It was hard not to get all up in arms about the question. I took a deep breath and answered her question and then asked her very lovingly, "Can I ask you a question: Which of my mothers is the fake mother?" She paused and said, "I guess that I never thought about it that way... I guess they are both real, aren't they? I only have one mom- but what makes her the "real mom" to me- that she birthed me or that she raised me??! I guess I couldn't say!" It was an interesting moment...

I agree with you so much Jody, most people never really known, in flesh and blood, an adopted person. Especially one who will share their expereinces openly... especially since it is only the last 20 years that it hasn't been a cultural taboo to discuss... the more open and honest we can be with people around us the more understanding and acceptance that can be generated.

[Jody M]

Hi Pastor Stephanie! Yes, We do need to share with others the right language- but I must tell you that on the internet even some of the words on this chart are "difficult" for some members of the adoption triad- for example- some birth mothers do not like that term now and some want to be referred to as First mothers- they feel that the other term implies they were a "baby machine" not endearing. So we sometimes need to check with person and see what language is most approrpriate- of course we cannot succeed all the time, but what's important is to be sensitive and discerning to people. We also need to educate others in our families, friendships, co-workers, church community, etc. Often, it is not intentional that persons use the "wrong language" but they are not aware of the dynamics of adoption and how it impacts those touched by adoption. Ask to share an article in your church newsletter, or ask for a time to talk to church staff/workers. We CAN do alot to encourage healthy and honoring practices.
Positive Adoption Language

The words we choose say a lot about what we think. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is a way to build a family. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.Try using the positive words when you are talking about adoption.

POSITIVE LANGUAGE NEGATIVE LANGUAGE
Birth Parent/ Real Parents
Biological Parent / Natural Parent
Birth Child/ Own Child
My Son/Daughte/ Adopted Child
Born to Unmarried Parents/ Illegitimate
Choose Adoption/ Give Up
Make an Adoption Plan/ Give Away
International Adoption/ Foreign Adoption
Child with Special Needs/ Handicapped Child
Child from Abroad/ Foreign Child
Was Adopted/ Is Adopted

[PastorStephanie]

[quote=BrockBaby] Althouh my adoption NEVER REALLY felt like a natural thing, per se. .


I guess I never felt like my adoption was a natural thing either. Although I felt like everyone else "acted" as if it was natural. It always bothered me when others weren't comfortable to talk or acknowledge the differences concerning my adoption and a natural birth child. I was on the phone with my bmom this afternoon... she seemed shocked to hear that I felt like things never felt natural??! I felt shocked that she was shocked!!!

[BrockBaby]

That is shocking. It seems like there is a fear to state that adoption is different, like if someone says that adoption is different then having a child by birth, it will do some sort of universal disaster or something. To me, it is the acting as though it isn't different is the universal disaster!! What is wrong with something being different?!?!?! Maybe I am way off on my thinking......what do YOU guys think?!

[PastorStephanie]

Baby Brock, I think when everyone KNOWS something is different but then pretends it is not that it makes that thing which was only different (in the beginning) seem bad. I think that is exactly tends to happen with adoption. It is NOT bad to be adopted only different- resulting in different feelings and fears than in a natural birth child. When those differences are not acknowledged or validated or allowed to be expressed then the child tends to feel guilty for feeling differently or ashamed of those differences and hides them. (I know that is what I did, at least).

It seemed to me as a teenager, especially, that everyone was spending so much time and effort trying to pretend that that nothing was different about me and that it was "perfectly normal" to feel "totally different" and "why ever would you think that had to do with your adoption 28 years ago??!" and "why would anyone care at all if you wanted to find your bfamily??! why, that's just silly that that you'd think ANYONE would possibliy think that this is at all different from everyone else?!?!" It can be so frustrating to know that you are different and to feel that difference everyday (not in a bad way, just a knowing sort of way) and then to have everyone look at you like you are crazy for suggesting what you and they KNOW!