[Grace777]

Hi, All -

I'm new here and have already learned a lot by reading posts. The reason I joined is that 5 months ago I met a man online through a Christian dating site. We e-mailed for several wks, then spoke by phone for several wks. He lives 400 miles away, so we then arranged for him to make his first visit last Oct. We both really enjoyed ourselves and got along fine. We are both Christians, but we do have differences in beliefs: politically, I'm conservative and he's liberal (altho he does not accept abortion or homosexuality), and he was raised Mennonite so he is a pacifist.

Anyway, early on he told me he was born to a Korean woman. His biological father was an American serviceman who promised to send for them, but did not. He was sold to another woman as a baby who kept him until he was almost 5, then relinquished him because he did not look Korean enough. He has told me his adopted family is very loving and stable. The only emotional struggle he's mentioned is that he was very angry when he was a young adult and had to work through whether his parents were his parents or people he lived with.

I've never to my knowledge known an adoptee, and I am having a hard time relating to his experience. I read a book about 20 things adoptees wish their adoptive parents knew and that has helped. I never realized the loss and grief issues - these I can relate to in the sense that my own mother took her life when I was 5. So, I would guess both of us share a sensitivity to rejection. I know that I've often thought, "Whomever I love dies." Maybe my friend feels the same way, esp. since the woman he thought he'd marry when he was in college died.

My problem is this - I really like him, but I think he's pushing me away. I offered to visit him last month and his behavior changed. I asked him where I stood with him (via e-mail) and he called me but didn't answer my question - I had also written that I was kind of depressed, so he asked how I was doing & we talked about that. I wrote him to tell him I didn't think it was fair for him to not answer me, and he wrote back telling me that he doesn't know at this time where I stand. I told him that is a valid answer and I accept that.

Basically, if he knows I'm upset about something he goes out of his way to apologize and get back to me soon so that I don't keep being upset about it. This tells me he really cares. However, I don't hear from him for a couple of wks at a time. I've told him I'm getting mixed messages, so he stopped contacting me! (Wish I hadn't told him that now.)

Sorry this is so long, but I feel I must explain. His one e-mail said he questioned the viability of a romantic relationship because of our differing world views and physical distance. (That was his "I don't know where you stand with me" e-mail.) Then, after a couple of wks, I received an e-mail saying that his dad's lung cancer had returned - he had been in remission for 3 yrs. Plus, there are problems with his renters, and at work. So, he said he's tired and has no energy for a new relationship at this time. I really thought after his last e-mail I'd never hear from him again... I thought he was trying to tell me nothing would happen between us. Anyway, then he told me if it's meant to be, it'll happen in the future. But, with all that's going on right now, he advised me to move on. I think he is saying that out of consideration for me, not because he's not interested.

Then again, maybe I should face the possibility that he's just not that into me!

Help! I don't know what to do! I'm wondering if he's afraid of intimacy and has to have his space... I can understand that, but I still don't know what to do.

I'd appreciate any advice, and prayers for my friend and his dad. So far all I've done is not pressured him and told him I'm there for him if he wants to write or call. Haven't heard anything in a week. Think I'll send him a Christmas card, but on the other hand would he rather I leave him alone?

Thanks for reading -
Grace777

[kakuehl]

Hi, I see no one has responded to you yet.

This is a difficult one to tackle because as you say, so much is speculation on your part.

It sounds to me like he could really use a friend although, I'm not sure he's ready for anything more, from what you say. I think he's probably right, in that if you are looking for an immediate romantic relationship, it's not going to happen with him.

On the other hand, if you can maintain the relationship as it is, I'd send the Christmas card and let him know you're thinking about him.

There are some other books about adoption that get recommended to help understand the adoptee. It really does seem from your story that he has been abandoned several times (bfather, bmother, 1st afamily). That sense of abandonment/rejection makes it very difficult to trust anyone and build intimacy. Do you know if he has had any counseling/ therapy? This is hard to deal with alone.

I will keep him, his dad and you in my prayers.

[Grace777]

Thank you for your reply. I have sent him a Christmas card. His behavior has just been so confusing to me. But, I'm coming to terms with it. I've reluctantly moved on but will certainly welcome any communication from him. I've told him right out that, if nothing romantic develops, I certainly want us to be friends.

I don't know if he's had any therapy. He's quite intelligent and self-aware, so that at least helps a lot.

Thanks again for your response - and, for keeping him and his father in your prayers!

God bless and Merry Christmas -
Susan

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Hi, I see no one has responded to you yet.

This is a difficult one to tackle because as you say, so much is speculation on your part.

It sounds to me like he could really use a friend although, I'm not sure he's ready for anything more, from what you say. I think he's probably right, in that if you are looking for an immediate romantic relationship, it's not going to happen with him.

On the other hand, if you can maintain the relationship as it is, I'd send the Christmas card and let him know you're thinking about him.

There are some other books about adoption that get recommended to help understand the adoptee. It really does seem from your story that he has been abandoned several times (bfather, bmother, 1st afamily). That sense of abandonment/rejection makes it very difficult to trust anyone and build intimacy. Do you know if he has had any counseling/ therapy? This is hard to deal with alone.

I will keep him, his dad and you in my prayers.

[Cristi727]

In my opinion you should move on, but keep him in your prayers. Maybe the reason he was brought into your life is so that you could raise him up in prayer, not have a romantic relationship with him.
The extreme distance, and the fact that he is either unwilling or just plain unable, to be there for you the way you need is very telling.
Don't allow yourself to be hurt by him, for he has been extremly up front about not needing a relationship at this time. Although you might understand why he is pushing you away, due to the fact of his adoptive status, doesn't mean you should continue to pursue him.
Let things be. Pray for him. And find someone, even on a friendship basis, that can recpricate the needs you have and want to give.
Good luck.

[Jody M]

Hi, I would agree with the repsonses to this thread. I am an adoptee and I have worked with adoption triad support groups for almost 12 years and met many adoptees. And yes, some adoptees have some fears of relationships stemming from their unresolved loss and grief in adoption. Some have a hard time "trusting" others and fear rejection or broken relationships (others do as well but due to the early loss and change, adoptees have added struggles in the area of trust) I believe they think, if my birth parents did not keep me, this can happen again- others will leave me. I know with counsel and support other adoptees in my support group have overcome this fear by sharing and being with other adoptees and birth parents. When they understand the love their birth parents had for them by witnessing the pain and love of other birth parents, they reframe their misundertstandings about their adoption and many no longer feel such deep rejection or abandonment.
With this adoptee- I agree that you can be friends but I would not invest lots right now- he has alot going on emotionally in his life. It would be sad for you to only focus on him and then nothing materializes. Keep the contact, be friends, and if God would desire this to work out in the future, He will make it clear and give you more peace to embrace the relationship. This adoptee has been honest with you in that He verbalizes that He is not ready for a deeper relationship so I would be cautious but remain friends if your emotions can accept that for now.
Thanks for sharing and God's peace to you- Merry Chritsmas! Jody

[Grace777]

Thank you all for your replies. It's actually already worked out kind of how you said. I'm keeping him in my thoughts and prayers, but not expecting any more. In fact, I'm pretty much OK with that now and I have met a new friend who may be a romantic interest. Who knows? Only God - and He ain't tellin'! At least not yet.

Happy 2007!

[Jody M]

Hi Grace and thanks for posting and sharing your update! I think you have done the wise thing. May God bless you in 2007 and your relationships. Trust Him to guide you for He will guide you to His best for you in a relationship. And His timing is perfect. Keep us posted and be surprised at what God can do! Jody

[Peggysue]

Hi Grace,

I was moved by your post and wanted to say what a lovely lady I think you are to take an interest in your friend's adoption. He has had a very difficult time with two rejections, but you too have had a great sadness early in your life. I feel for you both, and hope you both know God's love and healing.

I'm glad you've found peace in this situation and maybe romance with the new man in your life. I hope so!

Blessings

Peggysue

[Grace777]

Originally Posted by Peggysue

Hi Grace,

I was moved by your post and wanted to say what a lovely lady I think you are to take an interest in your friend's adoption. He has had a very difficult time with two rejections, but you too have had a great sadness early in your life. I feel for you both, and hope you both know God's love and healing.

I'm glad you've found peace in this situation and maybe romance with the new man in your life. I hope so!

Blessings

Peggysue

Thank you, PeggySue, for your kind words. I think that our experiences are part of what felt so special when we met. Haven't heard from him in a few weeks, but I think often of what he must be thinking and feeling about the very real possibility of now losing the man who so lovingly raised him. When he's ready, I'm sure he'll give me updates on his dad's progress.

I wanted to just comment on Christi727's post, if I may. I do not feel as though 400 miles is an extreme distance at all - it's only a 6.5 hour drive, including several stops. I had a friend for 15 years who lived much farther away than that, and we saw each other at least once per year. As they say, "The road to a friend's house is never long." I'd gladly be my adopted friend's friend by visiting back & forth and otherwise keeping in touch. Good friends and people of true character are not easy to find.

OK, I'll be quiet now. That was my sermon of the day ;-)

[Cristi727]

I wanted to just comment on Christi727's post, if I may. I do not feel as though 400 miles is an extreme distance at all - it's only a 6.5 hour drive, including several stops. I had a friend for 15 years who lived much farther away than that, and we saw each other at least once per year. As they say, "The road to a friend's house is never long." I'd gladly be my adopted friend's friend by visiting back & forth and otherwise keeping in touch. Good friends and people of true character are not easy to find.



400 miles is an extreme distance to have a romantic relationship. I didn't say that it was an extreme distance for a friendship.