[Jody M]

Adoptees from closed adoption including myself (born in 1955) have experienced unresolved/delayed grieving- for many this is unexpected or comes as a shock or tidal wave when it hits- sometime usually in teen years or adult life. When you think that our REALITY was that we WERE orphaned and did not have primary caregivers for a time. In my experience my adoptive parents were WONDERFUL sharing that I was adopted and chosen- but no one gave me "permission" or encouraged me to explore or verbalize all my mixed feelings/questions about my adoption.
We can observe how they promote all this bonding stuff from the minute the babies are born and enter the world sometimes with soft music, soft lighting, etc. For many of us, sadly they did not know how to help any babies to make gentle entries into the world and obviously we did not have a "mom" or gentle caregiver bonding to us as a non- adopted baby would have. I do know that some birth moms from closed adoptions did get to hold their babies but there was often limitations. But the close bonding was often limited or non-existent with babies who were put up for adoption. And babies must sense this lack of security, groundedness, and safe comfort. And for those of us who were not adopted for awhile or transitioned one or more times- it is even more that our reality was that our world was shifting sand.
Oh, how difficult to comprehend those thoughts and truth for the first time when olcer- but then again for me it was SO FREEING! To know where my insecurity originated and where my fear of changes, and resistance to my husbands job changes, my depression in college came from when my adoptive parents moved 1,000 miles away.(hit me like a tidal wave!) YES, a painful journey through the truth- but when you also know that God was watching over us and that He never left us or abandoned us and lovingly watched over us that is so awesome to comprehend! It DOES draw one closer to our heavenly Father, Creator, Sustainer, Protector, Gentle Shepherd, Redeemer and Friend!

I don't share these things so adoptive parents or birth parents will be alarmed and feel any guilt or remorse- for separation does cause these emotions in the baby- even though they did not remember the memory by picture- but their emotional reality felt it. AND THIS is what surfaces when other losses come into our lives- a memory of those first buried losses. It makes me sad that there is not more education on this for adoptees from closed adoptions- for when I went through it I could not understand why ME, an adult in their college years and then again in my late 30's, 40's was coping so poorly with change/loss/separations!! Persons in general do not like change and resist loss/separation, but adoptees have an extra layer of this making it more intense to the emotions.
It IS AMAZING to me that some persons still believe that babies have no memories and are totally resiliant. We do bounce but there are scars and memories/unresolved loss and things that impact our personality and the ways in which we cope and handle emotions, relationships. I always felt some degree of guardedness and a sense that the "other shoe would drop" If someone left me before- wouldn't that happen again?? Understandably though when you think these infant adoptees DID have constant change and shifting sand and some numerous or changing caregivers.

I recommend 3 books byJohn Bowlby, British Psychoanalyst
(not adoption books but great for reading on early losses
1. Loss (Sadness and Depression)
2. Separation (Anxiety and Anger)
3. Attachment

Also his excellent books-
The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds ( my copy of this book is underlined on most pages!), Secure Base ( not as easy a read but good)

You can order them from you library or inner library loan to save money or seek them online by going to
www.bookfinder.com for the cheapest online fees

May God flood each adoptee with His peace and assurance of His presence. And I pray that God will give adoptive parents wisdom on how to be emotionally present and supportive during the adoptee's journey.And like me, I pray you all will reframe this whole lonely experience of orphanhood and what you truly went through as a baby with the awesome knowledge that God lovingly 'hovered" over you- He WAS not absent- but there everyday of your existence. How comforting and wonderful to know!
Hugs to fellow adoptees, Jody

PS. Though I have published a journal for the adoption triad- I have always wanted to publish a newsletter/journal for adoptees only- including how adoptees lives have intersected and been touched by adoptive parents/birth parents- but focusing foremost on the adoptee's experience. Have others wanted to read stories from the adoptee's vantagepoint and encouraging others to identity in Christ, His hope and healing? Would love feedback-thanks!

Adoptees' Cafe- Devotions for Adopted Persons
www.adopteescafe.blogspot.com

[ccurrycarla]

Wow Jody, my life suddenly makes sense. I was seperated from my birthmom immediately after birth. She never held me, touched me, or heard me cry. I lived the first months of my life with one foster family. Later adopted at five months old by my family where I was their only child. And they held on tight. They were very overprotective. I only had sleep overs with family members. Throughout my childhood and early adulthood it was just the three of us. They never spoke of my being adopted. The lack of family resemblence was the ONLY way to know that I was adopted. They could not have loved me more if I had been biological. Then something devastating happened, when I was 20 my adoptive mom died suddenly. My whole world was shattered. I couldn't even speak of her death. On Mother's Day, I was an emotional wreck. It was like I didn't know how to live without her. Now I know why, the seperation issues I had as an infant were resurfaced. It took me a couple of years to finally face the fact that she was gone. I've been saved for two years so when I lost my adoptive father it wasn't as bad. Jesus said, 'My yolk is easy and my burdens are light.' He makes everything better doesn't He? Anyway thanks for that info. May God continue to bless you and keep you is my prayer.

[Jody M]

Ccurry, thanks so much for shairng your adoption journey as an adoptee in closed adoption. Yes- I think many of us adoptees from the closed system "awaken" and recognize our unresolved grief/loss from separation in adoption when new losses happen. As I said, all persons struggle with change- but those who have unresolved issues (not just adoptees but others) do not cope with new losses very well-its like a layering effect. And so the new loss seems to have an intensity that is earth shattering and immobilizing due to dealing with the new long along with those not dealt with or buried. Thanks Curry and I am glad that some of your adoption journey is making sense! I took several courses on grief and loss and learned much about unresolved and buried loss. The thing that complicates things for adoptees is the loss was when we were a baby and imprinted that loss. I know that subconsciously many have the loss but as children who were told we were chosen, loved and cherished- (which was true in many cases- not all) it negated giving us permission to deal and address all our mixed emotions/feelings about adoption that were real. I pray adoptees do awaken to this so they may resolve their pass loss and unresolved grief. And I pray that they may find online forums as this, groups and emotional support in safe places to process that grief without judgement. The worse thing many adoptees can hear from others who do not understand is- how can you miss persons or grieve something you never "knew" Believe me adoptees emotional banks remember and have a "knowing" and often this buried loss/suppressed feeling comes to the surface later in life.
Blessings to you Ccurry and hope others will share on this important topic- still misunderstood or neglected by too many, even some professionals!
Jody Moreen, adoptee
Compiler of 2005 book, "Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters" penned by "Amazing Grace" hymn writer the Rev. John Newton, 1700's London, England

[Jody M]

Hi again, Have other adoptees from closed adoptions experienced delayed grief and loss feelings in their journey or have adoptive parents noticed this in their older adopted children/adults? Often this buried loss is triggered by a new loss in the adoptees life- anything from a death of someone close, a divorce, job loss, geographical relocation, someone close moving away or severing a friendship. etc. any significant loss can trigger the unresolved adoption loss to surface, and the intensity of the new loss is heightened due to the layered effect of losses to grieve.
Thanks for anyone sharing here.

Jody Moreen adoptee

Adoptees Cafe- Devotions forAdoptees/ Adopted Adults
www.adopteescafe.blogspot.com

"Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters" compiled by Jody Moreen, penned by John Newton,Amazing Grace hymnwriter,1700's England- adoptive father who adopted his 2 orphaned nieces

[Averne]

Hey, I've been on this site for about a month, and I just found this thread. I'm a 20-year-old adoptee, entering my junior year in college. I've also been experiencing this delayed grief, brought on by reunion with my birth family, no less.

I've been in reunion with my birth mother and four of my siblings for a little over a year, now. I was raised as an only child, in a supportive home where my parents were very open and honest about my adoption, and have always dreamed of meeting the siblings I knew I had. I was pretty lonely as a kid - I've always had difficulty making and keeping friends - and I always longed to have my siblings around to look up to. My siblings and I are all in our 20's, now, and in phases of our lives where we're trying to make our own way in the world. Consequently, none of us live close together, and it's harder for me to connect with them long-distance the way we're able to connect when we're in person. Some of my siblings grew up together, and one of my sisters reunited with the gang five years ago when she was 16. They already have well established relationships with each other, which makes it harder for me to feel like I fit in.

All of this has made me realize all that I missed out on growing up with the siblings I'd always wanted, and I've been grieving the loss of that siblinghood my whole life, searching for it in others but never fully finding it. I never acknowledged my feelings, however, for the same reason of feeling like I didn't have permission to feel my loss. After all, I had a great family - though my father was actually quite emotionally abusive - still, I had a fairly stable home environment and parents who loved me and would do anything for me. Why should I be dwelling on the fact that I was missing the siblings I never got the chance to know?

And now I have this mountain of unresolved grief and (seemingly) no one to guide me as I try to climb it.

[Jody M]

Thanks so much Averne for sharing your adoptee journey! It is not uncommon for adoptees from the closed adoption era to experience this delayed grieving for the loss in adoption. Because many of us were never given permission to even ponder, look at or explore our complex feelings- we carried them underneath for years. Having them surface in adulthood is very difficult and not understood by many- especially for those of us who had great or stable adoptive families. Finding online groups/forums such as these and local adoption triad support groups has been a wonderful experience for me. Sharing with those who have walked the journey or understand the complex dynamics of adoptees is like "family". There is a "knowing" within us that others who have walked the journey can feel and empathize with. I remember the day when I realized I could embrace being adopted, yet process the challenging emotions and losses that accompany it. But by connecting with others adopted and finding groups and safe places to share- I found I was very normal in my feelings being an adoptee in closed adoption. Remember though that many others cannot understand why an adoptee who had a decent home- would have any unresolved grieving to do- but those of us who have walked as adoptees DO!
Glad you found us here Averne and hope you will continue to share and connect with other adoptees!
Blessings and peace in your ongoing journey!
Jody Moreen

PS. I am hoping in the near future to publish a small journal/magazine focusing on adult adoptees and their stories, experiences for support, understanding and to educate others on the adoptee's lifelong walk.

[shef]

Hi everyone.
I know this thread has been up for awhile, but somehow I just wanted to come and say soemthing, becasue of where I am at on this journey I guess.
I have struggled with loss all my life, but didnt know what it was until Jody you helped me by giving it words.....I have chosen career paths that ahve meant changes and moves, even living in different countries, loss of friends, loss of all familiar....all of which I didnt like....but oddly enough was familiar with the down side...loss. The biggest loss to me that started me realsing i need help was the sudden death of my foster mother....and i couldnt cope with it...and 6 months later saw a bereavement counsellor who said I was suffering from complicated grief.....i ws grieivng for my mother, but also i now understand grieving for my first motehr, and for how all of that has impacted me in my life.....
All that Jody has said...and others here...we are not alone....and suddenly the scripture of....."he carried all our sorrows and griefs" takes on a a new meaning.....

If I had not faced such a depth of loss becasue of my sepeartion for my motehr and being in an orphange and then being with a foster family, I would not know his comfort and the love of others. You know....I have found this road so very very hard to travel, to find some healing......and still do many times....but I just wanted to say.....though I have drifted, and struggled and been found unfaithful so many times...He has remained faithful. and I am grateful, oh so grateful, that he never changes......

shefalie

[Jody M]

Hi Shef and others! Thanks Shef for so beautifully articulating your own experience in your journey of loss through foster care and losing your mother through death. Often we are not versed in grieving, and if others do not come along side us and encourage us to be real with our feelings, or some persons discourage us from being "real" in times of loss, we can stuff feelings. They never go away , just lie dormant until another significant loss triggers them to come to the surface, and then an exaggerated reaction may be the result, due to layers of loss to deal with. How unfortunate that this was not addressed decades ago in the closed adoption system in the US and elsewhere. For some reason they assumed adoptees/foster children were very resilient and that if you just "luv them" it would erase any scars or memories of loss- Not true. The whole adoption triad faces loss of some degree - the birth mother/father relinquishes their child to adoption, often adoptive parents face the loss of fertility and inability to conceive, which is a big loss and the adoptee in the closed adoption system losses connection with their biological family, ethnic roots and heritage. Outsiders can often misunderstand these losses and fail to understand the complex emotions they can cause those touched by adoption. That is why these forums are wonderful to encourage one another, educate persons about adoption and to understand our own emotions and journey better and better.
Blessings Shef and thanks for posting! You are a beautiful person and I have seen your faith in the Lord shine through even in your struggles and pain! May God continue to bring you hope, healing and joy in Him.
Jody

[Peggysue]

Thanks Jody for sharing your experiences and asking about ours. I identify with that sense of loss, which I am sure stems from the first year of my life when I was separated from my birth mother, fostered and then adopted by another couple. I'm 55 and it was done under the closed system (in the UK, which I assume was similar to the USA).

I feel that there is a memory trace from that time which surfaces when something triggers it. And the feelings are extremely painful including desolation and hopelessness. Each moment is agony and so is the next and so on. The worst times for me were when my amother died and when my husband left me. But triggers can be much smaller: both parents being absent at the same time when I was a child; a boyfriend not phoning or contacting me; being in a warm emotional environment and then coming away; even coming home after church on Sundays!

Also I have confused these feelings with both romantic feelings (causing problems in courtship and marriage) and Christianity. If anyone mentions words like "cost", "sacrifice" or "dying to self" the hurt surfaces and I go through the feelings of desolation again. I realise now that this is not what God wanted and since 1998 He has been healing me. This is gradual and I still have a lot of issues to deal with. Because the pain has been so bad, not helped by my current personal circumstances, I have stepped out of many activities. Someone saying the "wrong thing" (or to be more accurate me mishearing the right thing) can be devastating, as happened only last Thursday.

When trying to explain to a friend I found it easiest to say that it's almost like having two personalities: my normal one, which copes with life reasonably well and my Baby one, which cannot cope at all and yearns for a mother's love. One of the hardest things I find is others not understanding what I am going through and sometimes thinking I'm making a fuss about unimportant issues.

I have had quite a journey separating out the realities of Christianity from my pre-adoption experiences and am wondering if others have too. Also if it affected their romantic relationships as well.

Thank you for raising this issue.

Hugs back and to all adoptees reading this,

Peggysue

[Jody M]

Peggy Sue, thanks so much for sharing your real and painful journey which triggers much separation loss and buried emotions from the time of relinquishment. You are very normal and many adoptees in closed adoptions experience this and don't know what is happening to them, nor how to explain such delayed loss reactions. I facilitate a local adoption triad support group with many adoptees- I have been in these groups for 15 years- leading them for 12 years- it is wonderful to meet other adoptees and KNOW you are not alone or crazy in your feelings. I have peace now but it is a rollercoaster journey to resolve and understand ones complex emotions, how it has impacted our lives and relationships and know God allowed adoption for our ultimate good and His glory.
Here is an article I wrote in 2001 for Older Children Adoption Website. It is my journey and hope it helps other adoptees reading it and adoptive parents/ or spouses and friends of adult adoptees from closed adoptions.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sharing Her Grief Story:
An Adult Adoptee
by Jody Moreen

[Thank you to Jody Moreen for openly sharing her thoughts and emotions. It will help us to better parent our children.]

I am an adult adoptee, age 46, and I have traveled the journey of loss and grief. Adopted parents from my era had no idea of this happening in their children's lives.

My loss issues hit me BIG time when I was a student in college. I was raised in a very good and nurturing Christian home and had a very close and attached relationship with my adoptive mom (and dad too). When I was in college, I was a normal , happy student loving college life.

My adoptive father retired and decided he want to leave winter behind and consider moving south with my mom. So in spring of my junior year, my parents rented a trailer in Florida and lived there for a time. I remember visiting them on Spring break and really doubting that they would move there (and leave me in the Chicagoland area). I was in a stage of denial (first stage of grieving/loss) that they would do that; I thought it was all talk.

Well, they made the decision to move, and sold the house and moved to Florida. I cannot even explain what came over me at that time- I went from a happy college student who had numerous friends and was active in many activities and leadership positions, and had a steady boyfriend (life was wonderful and I was on a high with life) When my parents moved, I slipped gradually into a clinical depression. I could not eat, could not study, and was immobilized by their retiring and leaving me. I was scared for I did not know what was happening to me. It was something that seemed completely out of my control.

My parents of course were concerned and sent me to have a complete physical and went to see a psychiatrist at a hospital near the college. I remember him asking me many questions and one was if I was adopted - but he never delved more into that. Many of my friends would visit me in my dorm room and tried to make me feel better by telling me all I had to be happy for- my parents, my grades, my boyfriend. This only made me feel worse; I felt guilty and was hard on myself for not just coping and dealing with my parents' move as a mature young adult.

I ended up going home for a month because I needed a break and rest from my depression, and my parents thought it would help me get back on my feet. And it did. What also helped was visiting a college chaplain. I do not remember how he counseled me - but I clearly remember a comment he made that was a turn around for me. He said, "You have the right to feel sad, you have permission."

Wow! So simple, but so profound. He allowed me to grieve. That released me to own those feelings, grieve them, and get well and back to my old self. (I had never been given permission to grieve my adoption loss or even explore the complex feelings related to adoption - both positive and challenging emotions. I could only think I was chosen and special and lucky!!)

I did not know then that my extreme reaction and depression was part of my unresolved loss issues in adoption. I was born two months early to a birth mom with cancer and venereal disease. I remained at the hospital two months and then was transferred to a loving foster home until I was nine months of age. Then I was adopted by my parents.

In midlife- in my late 30's I had some adoption questions surface. I began reading books on adoption and human development of the infant, and attended support groups with others touched by adoption. At that time, I also took a college course on Grief and Loss and I learned a lot about how any loss puts the grief process into action- not just death. I also learned about delayed grieving and unfinished grief. And I was beginning to realize that my "happy adoption," which it was, also had a loss side to it.

I grew up in the era when adoptee were called chosen and the encouraged psychology was to read them The Chosen Baby story- a classic for adoptive families then (I have copies of that book). It was a good story and had a good feel to it- but now realize it was half the story and the child was never to explore or acknowledge the loss issues. I read about infants "imprinting" emotional experiences- we are born and make investments in an emotional bank that create our emotional development. And these losses in a newborn and subsequent losses are imprinted on the emotional bank even if they are memories that one can not verbalize or bring to mind.

That is what is so so crucial with adoptees- their emotions have stored this loss and it is "remembered". But adoptees cannot pinpoint or recognize the loss or the impact of that loss unless they explore it by parents and others encouraging them and supporting them to feel the feelings and process the loss.

Also, in my loss courses I learned that a new loss can trigger the repressed losses to surface at the time of the new loss (unfinished grieving) and then the reaction is magnified and the person seems to overreact to the current loss. That was me in college; the loss of my adoptive parents move to Florida, 1,000 miles from me, triggered my infant and foster child losses buried within me.

Oh, how I wish I had known what was happening to me as an adoptee in college! And, I know it would have helped my parents know how a happy loved child could sink into depression. Intellectually I could share that it was okay for my parents to retire and move away and that they loved me and cared for me. But my emotions were the ones that could not cope and handle another loss.

I cannot tell you what a breakthrough it was to realize many years later what was going on with me in college when my parents moved. I hope another adoptee does not have to go through the cycle I did for no one related any of it to my adoption issues. And how can an adoptee "remember" the loss for it does not come as regular memories as do events that we remember and make "photos" in our mind- we cannot recall the earliest experiences in infancy- toddlerhood.

I lead an adoption triad support group in Wheaton, Illinois. What amazes me is that many people touched by adoption that come to the group will say "I recently faced my adoptive mother's death," or "I just went through a divorce," or mention another big change or loss in their life which seems to have triggered the adoption loss issues to surface and cause them to find an adoption support group.

This subject of grief and loss is so critical for adoptees emotional development. I understand it for I lived it and had some a challenging journey that could have been made easier if people knew I was experiencing the unresolved grief and loss of my birth mother at birth and foster family at 9 months of age.

It is not only important for adoptive parents of children to know this but those of older and adult adoptees to understand this dynamic and important matter that adoptees need to recognize in themselves and cope with when loss hits them again.

[Jody Moreen is facilitator for Adoptees, Birthparents and Adoptive Parents Together, in Wheaton, Illinois. She is also the editor of Adoption Blessings, a 24-page Christian outreach newsletter.]

[ 8 October 2001]

[shef]

Hi peggySue...and everyone...
thanks for sharing your heart with us over your struggles with loss.....I also live in the UK.

I have had extemre difficulties through my life with what I now know to be is loss...or unresolved pockets of grief...and any sense of loss big or small....has fed into the orgional loss like you mention. Belieivng in God and asking for help with this has been a slow process for me over recent years......but isnt it great to know that God knows our inner most needs....and places where only He can heal and bring rest within. God has been walking me backwards through a jounrey of loss...in order to help me get back to allowing Him to adress the frozen baby within me.....
I think Jodys testimony spells out how loss can affect us deeply...and yes hidden grief can cause all sorts of complications in our lives, and our relationships, i know it did do in my christian walk with others....
All I know is taht I am having to allow God to minister to the infant within who did not get what she should ahve received int he first few years of life.....only he can....and will.....He is the one that i am learning carrys all our griefs and sorrows.....and he will fill all the gaps in ourlives and will mend the broken ness Peggysue......you are on the right road...adn we are here as your travelling companions to support and pray for you and each other as we all learn to deal with the loss and hurt in our lives.....

shefalie

[Jody M]

Thanks Shef! It is wonderful to find fellow journey mates on this road to healing from unresolved adoption loss. As I said earlier, many not touched by adoption do not understand this kind of loss, pain and sadness. And I was blessed to have a wonderful adoptive family, extended family and a great life- but it did not cancel out the emotions that were buried within. I think we humans are so fascinating and intricate in how God designed us- even babies "remember" past events and have emotions from those times stored. I know many believe babies and children are resilient to loss and pain and trauma. They are resilient, and survivors we are! But that is not to say the pain and loss are erased or gone- they are repressed for a time. And then they are triggered when other losses come into our lives. And then our reactions seem out of proportion and exaggerated- which explains dealing with unresolved layers of loss in one's life. I am SO thankful that God has done a mighty healing work in my life. If you know other adoptees who are truly struggling, I encourage you to have them come to our forums here. We can, as Shef said support and encourage one another, pray for one another and share our resources. That way we can be well on the path to healing and wholeness, and in that reach out to others with the love and grace and healing hand of God.
Blessings to all and thanks for posting!!

Jody

[bj1774]

My name is Betty and I am a child of an adoptee. My father was born Jan. 30, 1953 to a hairdresser in, as far as I know, Houston, TX. She had to many children already and was going to abort this one. For the couple that adopteed my father, I am greatful, or as I'm sure you know, I would not be here. I am still looking for any sibling or birth parents, I just keep coming to a dead end, I have been searching for over 15-16 years, any advice?

[Jody M]

Hi Betty, thanks for posting your story and search for your father's birth family. A very long and hard journey to have been searching for so long- don't lose hope- the answers are out there! I would suggest going to the forums here on adoption.com title "Search and Reunion". I would also check to see if there are any Adoption Support groups in the area of your father's original adoption- put the words "Adoption Support Group" and the nearest large city to the area of his adoption and make sure they are adoption triad support groups. When I was searching I hooked up with a support group in the area of my adoption. A women befriended me from that group and she helped me immensely living in the area of my adoption. Also try to find a local adoption triad support group in your local area- they are SO SO helpful with ideas and networking in search!
Blessings to you in your search and I pray your answers and a reunion are right around the corner!
Jody, reunited adoptee

[bj1774]

Thank you for your info. Right now I will take all the help I can get. God Bless you and yours.