[Jody M]

Adoptees, especially those in closed adoptions. What feelings, unspoken things have you carried in your backpack since childhood? Share these and also share if faith in God has encourage you in your journey and if so- how?

Thanks for sharing, Jody

Adoptees Cafe: Devotions for Adopted Persons

http://www.adopteescafe.blogspot.com

Blessings in your ongoing adoption journey!

Please share this blog with other adoptees you know - family, friends and groups/persons touched by adoption online. Thanks!

[jackielove]

The woman that gave birth to me rejected me and wanted to abort me when I was in her woumb. This resulted in me being rejected the majority of my childhood, and adult hood. I believe in Jesus Christ and I have had faith in him for alot of things. But although I know he exist, he does not full fill my void of loneliness. I was rejected by the lady who had me and the foster family that I was raised by. I have faith in God, but to be honest, at times having faith in God is not enough for me. He does not come down and talk to me face to face, He does not hold me in his arms. or encourage me like a mother or father.. Like a human. He is God, the only way i can get with him is to pray, and yes he is great, but what he said is true.. it is not good that man ( woman) should be alone.

[Jody M]

Dear Jackie- thanks so much for posting your experience and the things you have carried for a life time in your back pack. I am so sorry for the pain and feelings of rejection you have carried for so long. And how that has made you feel unloved and rejected and lonely. Those feelings have been very real for you. God does long for you to feel his unconditional love and how much he cherishes you and truly has all along. After attending adoption triad support groups for 12 years and hearing many birth mother's sharing- I have come to know that circumstances occurred where birth mothers were rendered powerless and unable to parent. And often we believe that if they had parented us, our lives would be healthy and whole and without this deep pain. Decades ago the culture was very judgemental and also families with daughters who had crisis pregnancies were so shamed and often hid these girls away in order not to disgrace the families. Many times the man disappeared so the birth mothers not only experienced their own shock of pregnancy, but also judgement by society, the church and the culture, and agencies did not financially support women to keep their babies. I am not making excuses for your birth mom- but I have learned to understand that these woman were often in impossible situations of undescribable pain and hurt and abandonment and rejection themselves. Some were forced to sign adoption papers. And at the time of your birth- your birth mom most likely did not have the emotional stability, family support or finances to be able to parent you. Most of the birth mothers I have met in the past 12 years have grieved for a life time the loss of the precious baby they placed in adoption. I have come to feel gratitude that my birth father made the decision that I be placed for adoption- for my birth family had layers of big problems and issues, my mother and father had alcohol issues, my mother had cancer and there was no money to keep me. These are truly sad realities and ones I have had to grieve the very sad story. The reality also is that this world is not heaven and God's word truthfully tells us that in this lifetime we WILL have tribulation and pain in this imperfect world. Your mother sadly was in a crisis situation as well and she likely wanted to "abort" the circumstances they put her in that at the time were insurmountable. I pray that you will come to know that she was not targeting you- though you felt that she hated you personally- she hated what the pregnancy was doing- spinning her life out of control and causing great losses too painful to bear. Ask God that He would work in you a heart of forgiveness to this young woman who was deeply hurt and troubled wanting to flee this nightmare of cirmcumstances. For me, knowing the truth of my adoption story has set me free to not feel rejected, where once I did. Reading the biblical stories of adoptees Moses and Esther and also the stories of Joseph (coat of many colors) and Samuel- the last 2 were separated and not raised by their birth mothers- gives we adoptees a window into the truth- that God allows adoption in peoples lives for His higher purposes. My prayer is that we can see truth and heal and not become bitter, but better persons, surviving the challenges of our past. And that through surviving these, seeds of compassion and care can grow and we can reach out with understanding and empathy to others that we see feeling pain and rejection.
Sorry I have written a book here Jackie. But I once stood in similar pain that you are feeling and can give you hope that I no longer see my adoption as rejection. In the book of John the verse that has transformed me is:
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" Understanding our birth moms through attending support groups, and online groups and reading first hand accounts of them in many books, can help us reframe our feelings and perceptions of our adoption and the true feelings of our birth moms. The majority deeply loved their precious babies, but were emotionally, physically and spiritually immobilized by almost everyone- leaving them feeling abandoned and rejected in their crisis. And no where to go- agencies years ago did not aide woman in crisis pregnancies to keep their babies- as they do now.
Thanks Jackie for sharing and I pray you may find some peace and closure to your adoption story and find that when you can grieve the past and heal, you will feel God's love to overflowing.
Blessings, Jody

[Peggysue]

Hi Everyone,

Jackie - what you said about God not being able to talk to you face to face, or to hold you, struck a chord with me. At times, when I have felt unloved, my best friend has said to me that God loved me so much He died for me. I know this to be true and have accepted Jesus as my Saviour. Spiritually that's great, but I still felt very hurt and lonely. I wanted to say to my friend "but that's not the point" but I didn't understand why it wasn't.

Later, when I was thinking about it, I looked at it as if there were two parts of me: - (i) the rational human being (adult or older child) whose greatest need in life is a relationship with God, and (ii) the uncared for baby whose most immediate need was love, including hugs and face to face contact with her mother. My friend was talking to part (i) but I was feeling part (ii). Hence her comments, whilst valid, not seeming to answer my need. Although we all need salvation it is not something we are normally confronted with straight from the womb! I was feeling the pain of separation from my mother as if I was a baby again. My friend was talking to the middle-aged woman I am now. Her comments seemed too advanced for my baby-state. So it felt like God was not enough. I wanted the acceptance that comes from bonding with a birth-mother.

I'm writing this in case it helps you to know that someone else has had similar feelings to you. I'm sure God can heal and meet all our needs, but we do have a legitimate emptiness from not having had bonding with our birth mothers. This does not mean that they did not want us, as Jody has said it was very difficult for them to keep their children; some were very sacrificial in letting them go. Unfortunately they could not explain that to us as babies, so we may have felt rejection when in fact we were very much wanted. I hope and pray that God will take the pain of that away from all of us who have suffered in this way. Also that we will know His love for us even though He cannot physically hug us (although our brothers and sisters in Christ can).

Blessings,

Peggysue

[Jody M]

Thanks Peggy Sue for sharing and articulating so well the way perceptions of things impact our reality. I know many adoptees who have felt the emotions of pain and loss when learning of their adoption and have interpreted their adoption as personal rejection. Many years ago I misunderstood my adoption as well, assuming my birth mom just coldly signed me away- rejecting me. Far from the truth- she may rejected the reality of parenting due to circumstances that were overwhelming. But she gave me life and adoption and a chance to be parented by 2 parents who chose me. In other words- she did not reject ME- but the responsibilities of parenting me which would have been near impossible with all her personal and marriage problems, her cancer and alcoholism Her hospital notes say she cried the entire day of my birth- knowing my birth father made the decision for adoption.

As we adoptees learn the truth of our adoption and can see it in light of the situation of our birth parents- hopefully many will reframe their feelings and not label them as "rejection".
Thanks for sharing! Jody

[jackielove]

I would like to thank you for responding to my post. I am taking into consideration everything that has been written.

My birth mother did have alot of difficulties when she carried me. For one her mother did not want her to have a child of mixed race in her house. She did not have support from my birth father. She had to take care of her siblings when her mother was at work etc.

I do believe that my birth mother terminated her parental rights to me because of her difficulties, but also because she simply did not want the child that she was carrying.

My birth mother had other children, she raised three and the other she gave up for adoption.

The other child that she gave up for adoption was adopted by a loving family, who have provided for her well. They have loved and supported her and even adopted a brother for her when she wanted one. She has a doctorate degree and excellent career.

My other siblings have the love and support from my birth mother and thier father along with extended family. They are doing well.

My birth mother is an accomplished woman. She is well educated and has been in the armed services for thirty-two years. She is on the Native American Commerative Board as well as an author of a book.

I on the other hand was given a name by an unknown person and placed into foster care, where I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my foster father. Later I was contacted by a social worker and told that my foster mother wanted me out.

I look at my other siblings, including the one that was given up for adoption. I see how there is no rejection in thier lives.

I believe that my birth mother loved, wanted and cared for the second child she carried in her woumb and later gave up for adoption. I believe it really hurt her, but she could not take care of her.

I look at all of thier accomplishments, family etc. and I wonder "Why not me?"

Honestly, I kind of wish I never found my birth family. The only reason I can think that it was allowed was to allow me to see where the rejection came from so that I could be set free.

Thank both of you for your love and support, it was much needed.










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[Peggysue]

Hi Jackie,

I felt for you as I read your post above, and have included you in my prayers. Tonight I've just read your post on the "Esther" thread as see that you've had a great experience of God's love. Hallelujah! I hope He gives you a wonderful future; you have had a lot to deal with in your past.

Blessings

Peggysue

[jackielove]

Thank you for the prayers!!!

God bless you!!!

Jackielove

[jackielove]

[ Quote from PeggySue]" I was feeling the pain of separation from my mother as if I was a baby again."

I have felt an emotional loneliness and pain thru out my child hood and adulthood, I wondered where it was coming from.

I believe this could be an answer.

Thanks for sharing that with me.

[Christmas]

Jody,

What can I say...you write prolifically, eloquently and straight at the truth. I find nothing you write here to be wrong or out of place or with anything misconceived. I couldn't have written it better myself!
Thank you for all your sharing.

I must say where you wrote in the first post...'indescribable pain'....yes...that is what I experienced during my pregnancy, although I loved being pregnant...and is what I Truly expereinced at the time of signing and years after. The pain never dies...it just takes on a new 'thwarted angle'. In other words...My pain...unresolved, has certainly taken huuge parts of me..and I doubt..never to be found again. For me, that is the price I paid and continue to pay. Continue to write...I enjoy all your entries. And, thank you for relegating we birthmothers to 'humanness'.. and putting a great 'face' on the souls that are us.

[jackielove]

PeggySue,

I was listening to a christian radio station on the internet last night.

As I was listening, there was woman that spoke about unborn babies being conscious of thier mothers feeling or things that happened to or around the mother while in the birth mother's woumb ( rather negative or positive).

She said that there are cases, not all, where the unborn child was rejected by the birth mother and that person needs Jesus Christ to come in and minister to them in that area so that they can be healed from that past hurt and rejection.

There was one paticular story that she told of that really caught my attention.

There was a young lady who had suffered from emotional problems and depression.

This lady said that she and other people inteceded for the young lady in prayer. The Holy Ghost began to show the young lady she had been rejected as child in her mother's woumb, and at her birth she did not recieve the love and bonding that a new born child should have.

It turned out, after the young ladies birth mother birthed her, she was placed in a box, where she was left and later found. They never knew what came of her birth mother.

The great thing about her story was after the intercessors and the young lady were shown by God where her problems stemmed from, they were able to bring it before Jesus Christ and He delivered her.

She said that the young lady was a different person afterward.

It is a great radio staion. The ministers deal with healing . It definately has brought me peace and HOPE that God can and will help me.

[Peggysue]

Hi Everyone,

Jackie - I'm glad my comments helped! I was going to write sooner but have not been feeling well recently. Then your next post arrived today and it sounds very encouraging. That young lady's babyhood experience was very sad, but how great to know that Jesus healed her and encouraging to know that she is different now. I hadn't realised that babies in the womb are aware of their mother's feeling etc. It is wonderful to know that Jesus can heal the bad memories. Do you have people who will pray with you? It seems that God is really working in your life at the moment.

Some friends prayed with me years ago and one had a picture of a baby being well cared for physically but neglected emotionally. I believe that this was from God and has helped me identify the source of my feelings of isolation. I'm not sure how much of these feelings are due to separation from my birth mother and how much due to inadequate foster care. The main thing is that I know they relate to my past, not my present circumstances and that Jesus can heal them. It is a long hard walk at the moment though.

Going back to Jody's original question I realise that I have a lot of feelings which my non-adopted friends seem not to have. The main one is a sense of worthlessness and self-hatred. Apparently I mis-hear comments and the slightest criticism can make me feel I'm being blamed for being alive. Does anyone else feel like that?

Peggysue

[jackielove]

Hi Jody,

I wanted to write and say thank you.

I appreciate what you have written, I took it in, and it is so true, and liberating.

I know in my heart that it was very difficult for my mother, while she was carrying me.

She was young, niave, and hurting... and yes, it was very difficult for mothers to carry a child without being married, they were put to shame, and shunned by others; as well as being forced to give up a child that they had carried, loved, nurtured, felt the first movements of, loved, and desired.

I don't have any feelings of bitterness towards my mother anymore, I have forgiven her and asked God to forgive me for dishonoring her. I was wrong, rather it be in my heart, word, or deed..

I don't feel anymore pain or rejection from us being seperated, but I do feel so much love for her.

I am greatful to God for this. He is good.

Thanks so much for your help.

May God bless you always.

[Christmas]

JackieLove,
I love what you've written...it is a real refreshment to hear of God's healing love and grace. I certainly hope all good things for your future..and thank you so very much for sharing. I can see your faith..and it stands by you.

I sure hope my daughter, when and if she meets me, will have the 'spiritual' healing as you have shown here. This I pray.

Thank you for your sharing...this is such a great 'thread'..!! yes?!!!

[jackielove]

Excellent Jody, Excellent!